Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Random Bystander]

5 minutes ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

I liked your roast! It was very well done!

Thanks!

[Ghanderflaffle]

My bad on being late, I had a lot to do over the last couple days. The winner of the first round is @Random Bystander as Nightblood! That’s a point for Roshar.

The next round will be between @BreezeCauthon as Wit and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt. You have until March 10 at 8 PM CST. Good luck!

[Kingsdaughter613]

9 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

My bad on being late, I had a lot to do over the last couple days. The winner of the first round is @Random Bystander as Nightblood! That’s a point for Roshar.

The next round will be between @BreezeCauthon as Wit and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt. You have until March 10 at 8 PM CST. Good luck!

Thaidakar is rather annoyed. Given their history, he wanted to paired against Hoid.

Random picture: 6 of Spears:

[Random Bystander]

10 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

My bad on being late, I had a lot to do over the last couple days. The winner of the first round is @Random Bystander as Nightblood! That’s a point for Roshar.

The next round will be between @BreezeCauthon as Wit and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt. You have until March 10 at 8 PM CST. Good luck!

Wait, what? That's not what I expected to happen. I thought that The Unknown Order's roast was better. Not that I'm complaining. 

[BreezeCauthon]

14 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

My bad on being late, I had a lot to do over the last couple days. The winner of the first round is @Random Bystander as Nightblood! That’s a point for Roshar.

The next round will be between @BreezeCauthon as Wit and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt. You have until March 10 at 8 PM CST. Good luck!

Ack, this is a busy week for school and I really don't remember anything about Felt, so coming up with a roast would require a lot of time and effort that I don't really have. I'm gonna have to concede. Sorry team  

[Kingsdaughter613]

2 hours ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Ack, this is a busy week for school and I really don't remember anything about Felt, so coming up with a roast would require a lot of time and effort that I don't really have. I'm gonna have to concede. Sorry team  

I could try and write something for you.

[The Unknown Ajah]

You could switch the matchup to give Kel his wish and Breeze some time instead.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

12 hours ago, The Unknown Order said:

You could switch the matchup to give Kel his wish and Breeze some time instead.

Great idea! 

Hey @Ghanderflaffle, I haven't started my roast yet, so it would work to pair @BreezeCauthon and @Kingsdaughter613 for the next round and I could go up against one of the other 2 remaining Rosharans.

Let me know if this works, I too have Felt the pressures of an unachievable deadline, and have Wit-nessed the tradegy of trying to Nikli and dime a roast by giving in to the pressure to Adolin that was sloppy and rushed. Far better to Marsh-al another roaster than to Kel the competition and force a Wayne by default. I think you will find that this solution has an sword-nimi of the problems that would have otherwise forced BreezeCauthon to concede. 

[Kingsdaughter613]

1 hour ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Great idea! 

Hey @Ghanderflaffle, I haven't started my roast yet, so it would work to pair @BreezeCauthon and @Kingsdaughter613 for the next round and I could go up against one of the other 2 remaining Rosharans.

Let me know if this works, I too have Felt the pressures of an unachievable deadline, and have Wit-nessed the tradegy of trying to Nikli and dime a roast by giving in to the pressure to Adolin that was sloppy and rushed. Far better to Marsh-al another roaster than to Kel the competition and force a Wayne by default. I think you will find that this solution has an sword-nimi of the problems that would have otherwise forced BreezeCauthon to concede. 

Nice punning. Kell is very much in favor of this swap.

[BreezeCauthon]

17 hours ago, The Unknown Order said:

You could switch the matchup to give Kel his wish and Breeze some time instead.

That could work for me.

4 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Let me know if this works, I too have Felt the pressures of an unachievable deadline, and have Wit-nessed the tradegy of trying to Nikli and dime a roast by giving in to the pressure to Adolin that was sloppy and rushed. Far better to Marsh-al another roaster than to Kel the competition and force a Wayne by default. I think you will find that this solution has an sword-nimi of the problems that would have otherwise forced BreezeCauthon to concede. 

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[Ghanderflaffle]

17 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Great idea! 

Hey @Ghanderflaffle, I haven't started my roast yet, so it would work to pair @BreezeCauthon and @Kingsdaughter613 for the next round and I could go up against one of the other 2 remaining Rosharans.

Let me know if this works, I too have Felt the pressures of an unachievable deadline, and have Wit-nessed the tradegy of trying to Nikli and dime a roast by giving in to the pressure to Adolin that was sloppy and rushed. Far better to Marsh-al another roaster than to Kel the competition and force a Wayne by default. I think you will find that this solution has an sword-nimi of the problems that would have otherwise forced BreezeCauthon to concede. 

 

16 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Nice punning. Kell is very much in favor of this swap.

I generally try to keep matchups random, but if you’re both for it then we can switch it up. It will now be Wit against Thaidakar. Now due Friday at 8 PM (but if you post it later I won’t be on)

Edited March 10, 2021 by Ghanderflaffle

[Kingsdaughter613]

44 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

 

I generally try to keep matchups random, but if you’re both for it then we can switch it up. It will now be Wit against Thaidakar. Now due Friday at 8 PM (but if you post it later I won’t be on)

By 8PM it’s Shabbos, so can we say the round is over at 5:41? Aside from that, I’m good.

[Ghanderflaffle]

3 minutes ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

By 8PM it’s Shabbos, so can we say the round is over at 5:41? Aside from that, I’m good.

I don’t really care when you post it as long as it’s before the deadline. (You might have to post it not late this time ) @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine generally posts theirs early and if they are both in before the time I’ll end the round early. 

[Kingsdaughter613]

2 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

I don’t really care when you post it as long as it’s before the deadline. (You might have to post it not late this time ) @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine generally posts theirs early and if they are both in before the time I’ll end the round early. 

Kelsier is the one who is late, not me. I usually post early with instructions that it’s to be read late.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

3 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

I generally try to keep matchups random, but if you’re both for it then we can switch it up. It will now be Wit against Thaidakar. Now due Friday at 8 PM (but if you post it later I won’t be on)

I might have confused things with my punishing puns... 

@BreezeCauthon (who is roasting as Wit) can't do the original match up of Wit VS Felt right now because of time constraints.

Seems like there are 3 viable options for the current round: 

1) Felt (that's me) VS Adolin ( @yeshevishman) or Felt VS Nikli (@Matrim's Dice), or 

2) if it works with @BreezeCauthon's schedule, have, as you said, Wit ( @BreezeCauthon) VS Thaidakar (@Kingsdaughter613). Or

3) Pick a new random matchup, excluding Wit (BreezeCauthon) if he's too busy to do a roast right now. 

I don't have a preference for any of the above, but let me know what you decide, mighty and majestic arbiter of the Ghanders that are wont to flaffle. 

Edited March 10, 2021 by Hoiditthroughthegrapevine
Spell check changed flaffle to waffle, silly spell check

[Ghanderflaffle]

12 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

I might have confused things with my punishing puns... 

@BreezeCauthon (who is roasting as Wit) can't do the original match up of Wit VS Felt right now because of time constraints.

Seems like there are 3 viable options for the current round: 

1) Felt (that's me) VS Adolin ( @yeshevishman) or Felt VS Nikli (@Matrim's Dice), or 

2) if it works with @BreezeCauthon's schedule, have, as you said, Wit ( @BreezeCauthon) VS Thaidakar (@Kingsdaughter613). Or

3) Pick a new random matchup, excluding Wit (BreezeCauthon) if he's too busy to do a roast right now. 

I don't have a preference for any of the above, but let me know what you decide, mighty and majestic arbiter of the Ghanders that are wont to flaffle. 

That’s my bad, I didn’t look at my list before changing things. Since This will now push the due date back so it won’t work for @Kingsdaughter613, I’ll go ahead and switch it up completely. @Kingsdaughter613 and @BreezeCauthon will still be against each other in case they have started writing roasts, but it will be later on. 

SO, this round will actually be @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt against @Matrim's Dice as Nikli. Due date is Sunday at noon (12 PM CST) Hope this works for everybody, sorry for all the confusion.

[Kingsdaughter613]

49 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

That’s my bad, I didn’t look at my list before changing things. Since This will now push the due date back so it won’t work for @Kingsdaughter613, I’ll go ahead and switch it up completely. @Kingsdaughter613 and @BreezeCauthon will still be against each other in case they have started writing roasts, but it will be later on. 

SO, this round will actually be @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt against @Matrim's Dice as Nikli. Due date is Sunday at noon (12 PM CST) Hope this works for everybody, sorry for all the confusion.

It’s fine! I prefer to respond to others roasts, so I haven’t started writing yet.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Sounds great, thanks @Ghanderflaffle! 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Sorry, gotta double post...

Okay, coming out swinging, the short mustachioed Scadrian worldhopper Felt takes the stage.
(spoilered below, mild Dawnshard spoilers, kinda?)

Spoiler

Well Rust and Ruin, how are ya'll doin'?
  I've been spending my days in mysterious ways
    Doin' things you can't see, but surely you've Felt

That's right, this boy here is tight, always hidin' in plain sight.
  –What's that you say–"Balderdash! You can't possibly hide with that brilliant mustache!"
    Perhaps, but you see, I always leave it be, cuz this world hopper's soup strainer's totally svelte!

Well here comes Nikli who's more than he seems
  A buggy-bug immortal with lots of hidden schemes
    Sure you'll live forever, but here's a truth I gotta tell
      Always working, never sleeping, you're life's a living hell!

Now, I'm a great guy and one fantastic spy,
   But if you wanna bug a room, you should call this guy.
     When he's got an eye on you, it's literally true.
      On top of your head, a giant eyeball with some legs*
        Is spyin from your hairdo and is probably layin' eggs

I gotta tell you brother, you're gross–sorry, it's just true
  If Meg Ryan saw you in Seattle she'd squash you with her shoe
    That you have great power, I have no qualms in conceding
      But you're idea of romance is controlled interbreeding.

I'll take my longer than normal life as a world hopping rogue,
  Surviving by my wits, my mustache, and many a feigned brogue.
    You can keep your immortal span as a bug made of bugs
      Your life of eliciting shudders, cringes, gasps and "Ughhs!"

For your tireless service to the Cosmere, I applaud you noble sir
  But if I find one of you in my house I'll call the exterminator.

*Visual aid of bugged Alethi spoilered below

Spoiler

Ok, Felt's thrown down the gauntlet, what have you got @Matrim's Dice?

Edited March 11, 2021 by Hoiditthroughthegrapevine
Added a visual aid of a "bugged" Alethi

[Ghanderflaffle]

Well, as @Matrim's Dice never responded but has been on, I’m going to have to give this to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine by default. 

Roshar-1 Scadrial-1

The next round will be @Kingsdaughter613 as Thaidakar against @BreezeCauthon as Wit! Good luck to both teams, your roasts are due on the 18th by 10 AM CST. (Thursday)

[BreezeCauthon]

Wit steps up onto the stage with a wink and a grin for the audience. He scans the audience, spots Thaidakar, grimaces, sticks his tongue out, and begins thusly:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Ah, here we go again...

The record, my friend,
It speaks for itself.
You're just one more head
For my trophy shelf.
You're here for round two
To face me anew,
[Speed rapping] But-the-one-who-walks-away-with-the-win-won't-be-you!

You refused to die,
To life you try
To return, but why oh why?
It seems to me,
Respectfully,
That thou art obsessed with thee.

To live and dream and shoot for the sky,
All while you are still alive,
Are good and natural and perfectly fine.
But to claw your way beyond your time,
So the sun on you can longer shine,
No, my friend, it's not divine,
It's refusing to see that there's a line.
You think that you must always 'Survive,'
But for its own sake, that's a poor drive.

Enough philosophy, anyway,
Oh and also, by the way,
Dear joyless, insane Kelsier,
(Or Thaidakar, that is to say)
For you there will be Hell to pay,
You seem to have missed the cashier [rhyming with Kelsier],
*Wit pauses, smirks, and...*
[Speaking normally] But its personality wasn't free.
*Wit gives everyone a moment to figure out the joke, then another moment for Kelsier to figure out the joke*

[Back to rapping] By the moment I am wearying,
Of this man and his hellish personality,
I suppose I should spend some time on me.
And since there's been some 'meta-ing...'
*Wit nods at Kelsier and Marsh*

...I'll note that Brandon when backed in a corner,
Has called only two characters his favorite,
One is Dalinar Kholin
(Shout-out to my boy Dalinar! Go team Roshar!)
And the other, my friends, is me.

Hoid. Topaz. Drifter. Dust.
This roamer is a hero is a wise man is a fool.
Full of humor. Full of heart. Full of danger. Full of darts.
I won't linger, unlike some, *Glances meaningfully at Kelsier, who's dedicated his second life to the art and science of lingering*
So as I finish, I will sum:
If I had to pick a one word to describe myself with...

*Dramatic pause*

It would be Wit.

...And that's that, I suppose. Can't tell if it's genius or idiocy, but it is what it is. Go Roshar!

[Ghanderflaffle]

@Kingsdaughter613 you have one more day!

[Kingsdaughter613]

On 3/17/2021 at 1:01 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

@Kingsdaughter613 you have one more day!

I’m aware. Things have been a bit crazy, but I’ll try and work on it tonight.

Edit: because this will come up in the rap:

Hoid tells Kelsier, “you did what I needed you to do,” at the Well. Kell brought down the TFE and his actions led to Rashek’s death - which opened the door for Ruin being freed.

Hoid leaves the Well, which he calls “Ati’s prison.” He does not tell Vin or Saze about the Well. Later on he has an opportunity to tell Vin or Saze about the earring. He doesn’t. And we know that he wasn’t planning on telling her in Fadrex.

We also know he wanted Kell out of the way.

Which leads to a very interesting conclusion when you put it all together: Hoid could have stopped events with Ruin or prevented things from getting so bad. And he doesn’t. Why? That’s an interesting question someone should ask Brandon. (I will, if I ever get the chance.)

Kelsier is assuming Hoid wanted Scadrial destroyed and Ruin free. He may well be wrong, but I figured I’d explain why he thinks that first.

@Ghanderflaffle I wrote the roast, but I may put it up late. Edit: up now.

Spoiler

There’s something rather funny

Smacking of hypocrisy 

You've lived 10,000 years

And are complaining about me?

But not your friends, the Heralds

Though millenia they’ve stayed

Other Shadows can live forever

Because your game they played

 

That’s your problem, isn’t it?

My life wasn’t yours to choose.

By Surviving, I defy you

And you really hate to lose.

You like to tell your stories

Twist the Cosmere to your tune

And when it serves your purpose 

You’ll leave it all to Ruin.

 

Or did you think I wouldn’t notice

With all that time to dwell

Trapped in “Ati’s Prison”

Until Vin found the Well?

You could have given warning

Don’t give the power away

Told her that her earring

Made her Ruin’s to play

Remember what you told me?

I did “what you needed me to do?”

Scadrial’d be gone without me

Which is what you intended too.

 

You are loyal to no one Drifter.

Friends and Allies you betray

Clinging to your grudges

I know the games you play.

I know because I play them

Meddling behind the scene.

Watching, spying, stealing.

Weaving our own dream.

You can’t stand that, can you?

Old man sitting on his hoard

Knowing that you’re not alone

Another player’s on the board.

 

We’re two sides of a Clip, Drifter

So similar, you and me

But I have one thing you lack

The gift of loyalty.

I have friends, Drifter

People who know my name.

You who lost yours long ago

Can never claim the same.

 

You claim your our author’s favorite 

That’s as true for me as you

Hardest to write and most annoying...

Well, credit where credit’s due!

 

 

 

Note:

Brandon says Hoid is a favorite when asked. Unprompted he’s said that Kelsier is one of his favorites. He has also said that Hoid is his hardest character to write and the the character he finds most annoying.

Characters Brandon has said are his favorite: Lightsong, Vin, Saze, Dalinar, Steris and Jasnah (female characters only).

And yes, I spent a ridiculous amount of time going through WoB to find that out.

Edited March 18, 2021 by Kingsdaughter613

[Ghanderflaffle]

Here is your link!  Well done to both of you!

[Kingsdaughter613]

6 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Here is your link!  Well done to both of you!

Are we allowed to vote for ourselves this time?