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Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles


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Alright! Presenting:

Unmasked

A Bastille judging song parody of Pompeii

Originally by Bastille ;) 

Here's the link to the original song.

As always, I recommend you get that in your head before reading the roast if you don't already know the song.

Spoiler

I was left, to my own, strength and speed

Running strong, faster than the highstorms themselves

 

And you thought you could wear the lens

To be an Oculator

Instead failing as a knight

Putting on a toughened face

 

But if you look inside

It is clear to see that

You’re a frightened girl

And if you close your eyes

Do you see the darkness

Hiding out of view?

 

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

 

You were caught, very lost in all the libraries

Alcatraz, (who’s useless)- He had to save you

 

And you thought you could wear the lens

To be an Oculator

Instead failing as a knight

Putting on a toughened face

 

But if you look inside It is clear to see that

You’re a frightened girl

And if you close your eyes

Do you see the darkness

Hiding out of view?

 

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

 

Oh where do I begin?

The ramble of your sins?

Oh where do I begin?

The ramble of my wins?

 

And you thought you could wear the lens

To be an Oculator

Instead failing as a knight

Putting on a toughened face

 

But if you look inside

It is clear to see that

You’re a frightened girl

And if you close your eyes

Do you see the darkness

Hiding out of view?

 

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

How are you gonna be repentant about all this?

 

But if you look inside

You will see your darkness hiding in your view

@Fezzik, @Ghanderflaffle

And @AonEne for the puns :D 

Enjoy! Now, I'm off to bed...

Edited by Matrim's Dice
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Thought there was a round going on, not a poll. My bad.

We need some more mini roasts! Let's do quintets this time. @Matrim's Dice and @Fezzik need to each complete a mini roast of 5 lines in 48 hours. We will then vote again.

@I Am A Fish you’ve got around a week, but I’ll post the actual date when I announce the start of your round.

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13 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Thought there was a round going on, not a poll. My bad.

We need some more mini roasts! Let's do quintets this time. @Matrim's Dice and @Fezzik need to each complete a mini roast of 5 lines in 48 hours. We will then vote again.

@I Am A Fish you’ve got around a week, but I’ll post the actual date when I announce the start of your round.

*Breathes sigh of relief*

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Mini roast! @Fezzik @Ghanderflaffle

Spoiler

*Fleet zips to the mic, not even out of breath*

 

Bastille, please, you're really no fun, leading a big angry life full of shun.

Your mom finds you useless, at least you're not Truthless,

Claiming swords are more advanced than a gun, It is strange indeed how your life isn't done.

Ashamed of royalty, why can't you just be happy,

But a greater mystery is how I haven't won- Who voted your 8 lines over a song and a pun?

 

*Fleet salutes, runs fifteen laps around Bastille, and exits the building in three-point-two seconds.*

 

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In a twist at the end, @Fezzik pulled ahead in votes! Congrats to them on getting to the finals! Thanks for playing @Matrim's Dice!

Next round: @I Am A Fish as Lunamor against @Archer as Alcatraz. Who will win? Will Alcatraz face off against Bastille? Will Lunamor be successful once again? We shall see! Roasts due on the 11th, Wednesday. Good luck!

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Wow, that was a closer matchup than I thought it would be! Well roasted, both of you.

Fun things will happen if Alcatraz faces Bastille in the final, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. :ph34r: Here's my roast. Mild Stormlight Archive spoilers to follow:

Spoiler

*Alcatraz slides up to Lunamor, narrowly avoiding the gaze of one of the security guards who is roaming the halls of the Roast Battle Convention Center. Still trying to fit in, he begins to rap*

 

Wow, Rock, the Horneater with taste!

I think I’m being chased by an alien crew.

Looks like I’m between you and a hard place,

So heads up, I’m going through you!

 

Hey Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor,

Your name is actually a poem,  

So it will fit in my rhymed roast of your,

Ginger locks that need a comb.

 

You mooch the strength of your pals,

Your power hasn’t been earned.

You were the last bridgeman to trust Kal,

The only stone left unturned.

 

And speaking of magical might,

You’re rock bottom on the power tier.

A radiant squire, not even a knight,

While I get to break character here.

 

Checking my Cosmere bookshelf,

You live in a universe with magic tattoos.

But rather than soulstamp yourself,

You just wrote the name of your crew.

 

Saying I’m a hero would be tone deaf,

But in a world of armed soldier troops,

It was peb-bold of you to be a chef.

Boulder still to specialize in soups.*

 

*The least useful food for blocking a sword swipe, I've learned. In other news, the Knights of Crystallia have a poor understanding of how food fights work. 

 

Look, I know what it’s like, friend.

You meet these great people with grit,

And you can’t help but want to follow them.

It’s fine, but at least be cool about it.

 

The seven-foot giant saying we’re airsick?!

My cousin has a list of reasons height’s bad.

I would let you read it here quick,

But I’m told you are an illiterate lad.

 

I’ll let you borrow my Warrior’s Lens,

So you can at least be competent.

Then as this rap comes to an end,

It’s time for me to leave this event!

 

*Alcatraz begins sloppily drawing a sharpie mustache on his face as a disguise so he can slip out the back door unquestioned*  

 

 

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1 hour ago, Shard of Reading said:

I will admit that I am going to slant my votes to get archer to the finals, but even if I wasn't I would still vote for you. I really love the way you link all the roasts together and how this is totally something that I can imagine alcatraz saying.

Don’t count @I Am A Fish out yet! Maybe they will blow you away!

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This has shouldn't count, because it's late, but I'm posting it here anyway...

I couldn't bring myself to seriously roast Alcatraz:

Spoiler

 

*Rock walks onto stage and picks up the microphone*

Spoiler

Since I'm probably gonna lose anyway, I took an unorthodox approach to this whole roasting thing...

Why am I here?

Seriously, why am I here?

I don’t need to roast this kid,

He’s already done that,

Take his word for it:

“This is my story, the story of a selfish, contemptible fool”

-Alcatraz

I am a coward”

-Alcatraz

“I am a liar”

-Alcatraz

“I am a fish”

-Alcatraz

“I am Stoopid”

-Alcatraz

“I’m not a hero”

-Alcatraz

I’m not a bad Unkalaki, seems like this dude has enough issues without me roasting the stuffing out him. Parents split up and left him, girlfriend routinely beats him up, grandpa died… Just leave this poor airsick lowlander be, and advance me to the next round.

Seriously, don’t make me roast this guy, he already does enough of that himself

*An agent runs up to Rock*

*Whisper, whisper, whisper*

Seriously?

*Whisper, whisper, whisper*

*sigh*

Alcatraz, your talent for breaking things is only exceeded by your talent to cause problems. You came up with an idea for a mission that killed your father, killed your uncle, and when faced with responsibility in the wake of these events, hid in a blanket burrito of self pity, and wrote a four star autobiography which is rated as a piece of fiction, simply because no one believes that someone as so stupendously idiotic could exist.

There. I’m done.

*Whisper, whisper, whisper*

MORE?

*sighs*

Fine. Alcatraz, you are a sad child whose mommy left daddy, then daddy left you, then 19 successive families adopted you and got rid of you. There. Is that enough for you bloodthirsty aklik’nuaitonaki?

*Whisper, whisper, whisper*

Seriously? Are you kalinakili’ki’l crazy? Fine. Alcatraz, the only woman who’s ever loved you enough to spend more than 10 seconds with you voluntarily. is a teenage girl with anger management problems. 

*WHISPER, WHISPER, WHISPER*

You lowlanders are airsick jerks. Fine, I roast the self proclaimed imbecile, and perform verbal single combat for the entertainment of you barbarians. Won’t be much of a fight. More like euthanizing a depressed chull, or murdering despondent mink kits. I hope you’re happy.

 

Behold the king of self-pity, one teenage delinquent,

With fashion so inelegant it borders on irrelevant,

Spoiler

Think clown costume...

“I am a fish,” “I am a liar,”

Stop singing a one-man self-pity choir!

 

*WHISPER, WHISPER, WHISPER!*

 

You are all kainikili crazy!

 

When it comes down to it, everything that you’ve spoken,

Is just showing the world that you’re a kid who’s broken,

Your grandpa, yeah he’s dead, good parents? You’ve zero, 

You said it yourself: “I am not a hero”

 

*Rock drops the mic, And walks off the stage*

 

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