Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

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3 minutes ago, Archer said:

If Alcatraz ever returns to Earth and/or finds Bastille, he's going to claim inspiration from your wise words. But I mean, what are the odds that in this entirely unexpected situation that he might have to face his crush and recite emotional poetry? Haha...jk...unless? :blink:;)

That... would be hilarious.


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This is a hard one, Rock is so storming difficult to Roast. In the future we should prohibit characters that are too perfect from signing up


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Here it is!! Its not perfect but Stormfather knows I don't have enough time to fix it. Good luck @I Am A Fish!


So I suppose Jasnah couldn’t bother to make an appearance? 
No problem, so long as she puts up no belated interference.
Though I guess I can’t blame her for backing out 
I’ve been told I’m an intimidating figure to take out

*Spensa turns toward Rock with a glare* 

Another Rosharan I see
Let’s hope this one doesn’t flee.
Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor’s your name?
Let’s see if you can play the game. 

I could make the same argument with you as I did with Jasnah, that you’re a coward
Instead of hiding behind a book, you claim you have a need to cook
But I don’t want my audience to get bored
So I’ll choose another topic for my rhetorical sword

There's one thing here that will surely make me a winner
You put chull dung inside your Highprinces dinner??
That's a brave move, Ill give you that,
But did you ever consider the consequences of that act?
As a result, you were placed inside the bridge crews,
Put in a position where you couldn't even tell your family the news, 
You forgot your family, You made Bridge Four your brothers
Leaving your children alone with their Mother. 
All of this to say, you cant think ahead, 
*Spensa reaches up and knocks on rocks head*
Hear that? It's as thick as lead!

*As Spensas cadence slowly starts to pick up speed, she punctuates her words with jabs at Rocks chest* 

They say you’re the best, that you’re good with a jest, well okay, lets put that up to the test. 
As a bridgeman you and the men were oppressed,
Leaving your leader constantly stressed.
“You’re my secret weapon” Stormblessed confessed,
So you made them dinner upon his request,
If you had your way, it'd be a stew full of rocks they couldn't even digest. 
Well guess what Horneater, I'm unimpressed,
You’re not a bridgeman anymore so take off that vest it’s time to get dressed!

*Spensa turns away, addressing the audience*

As a defiant, I fight to make my world a better place, 
It was for them that I went into space.
As for this little bridgeman? 
He would flee the fighting before it even began. 

So for you, my audience, I say this. 
Lunamor, this Horneater? Should be dismissed. 


Edited by Hentient

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@Hentient this took me forever...

Hope you enjoy!



*Rock picks up the microphone, walks onto stage, and turns to Spensa*


Let’s keep this short just like our cytonic friend, (Spensa’s 4’11)
And unlike Starsight I’ll give a satisfying end,

You’re trying to contend, but your rap was so pathetic,

Just like this little girl who thought that cowardice was genetic,


Cards on the table you’re a one trick pony,

Go back to your stable, stop being Jorgen’s crony,

Wow! This girl can pull a trigger, why am I not impressed?

Guess it couldn’t save her friends Bim, and Hurl! I digress,


Call me a coward?!? Is that what you’re saying?

Oh little girl, I see the game that you’re playing,

I’ve faced down parshendi, ran through arrow storms,

Me, and my bridge four brothers upset social norms,


You’re working for a government, supporting oppression,

Brainwashed as a child, now with mindless aggression,

I fought Kaladin’s depression, Helping Teft fight his obsession,

Standing with my brothers, hey we don’t need no discretion,


I abandoned my family, this coming from you?

The girl who ran off to flight school, left her mother to stew?

Oh don’t forget Gran-gran, the woman who’s blind,

You ran off, you left her, that I can’t get behind,


On the note of your powers, this should leave you unnerved,

You being a Cytonic? Entirely undeserved,

To become I radiant, I had to work smarter, and harder,

While you went and killed rats, to stock up your larder,


You’ve done nothing by yourself, you always need a guide,

A friend like Rig, or Cob, for you to hide behind,

You say you’re a warrior, standing defiant,

Then why on your friends, are you so reliant?


Before I go, I have a word, about your final villain,

It’s M-Bot, just you wait, cause in a minute he starts killin’,

The prophecy, it’s self-fulfillin’, right now I can sit here chillin, 

Cause I had the brain not to home grow AI monsters,


I’m about to leave, cause I can fall with style,

Since M-bot’s ship gone, is gone, it should take you a while,

Concede defeat, and I’ll give you a lift.

Horneater express, we’re nice and swift


We Unalaki are nice that way.

So please, keep your rampaging robots away.

Ps. In the words of the immortal Kvothe. “If I saw a horse with a leg as badly sprung as your rhythm, I’d kill it out of mercy, and burn it’s corpse, for fear the local dogs might knaw on it, and die.



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