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Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles


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Double posting here to post my roast.

Keep in mind, I'm roasting Syl. If you can tell which kind of poem it is, good, I did it right! If you can't, look harder.

Spoiler

Megan strolls in, hands in her pockets, and begins to speak.

Silently you sit, radiating disapproval
Yet you say nothing until you have
Let your Radiant down
Privately you lecture him
Holding it up as his failure
Really the fault in this is
Entirely yours, he did not know
Now you leave him
All alone, when he needs you most

Always happy, even when 
Nothing good has happened
Circumstances haven’t changed
It’s NOT all fine,
Even Honor(a piece of a god) couldn’t defeat Odium
Naive gaiety won’t help now
Triumph takes realism

Doing what you do -- forcing
All of your views on the world
Until it shatters around you
Granted, it may work for you
However, that’s simple-minded
Trying this makes it harder for
Everyone else who’s trying to
Realize their mistakes

Megan smiles. "Poetry's never really been my thing," she says.
She walks out of the room without another word.

 

Edited by Condensation
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     This took longer than expected, though my expectations were unreasonable, considering I haven't read Alcatraz.

Spoiler

     Alcatraz Smedry is a child. Others are told to face legends, gods and entities, yet I, Sigzil, have been systematically forced to insult a brat. I… I am a worldsinger, a lieutenant radiant, a storming figure of legend, somehow obligated to insult an axehound's stray pup. Yaezir!

     Pray tell, where did his journey begin? Was it sprouted in the soil of hopeless work and sacrifice? Was it the gradual realization that those he sees around him are laboring corpses? Was it, at the least, not a result of him burning his own sanctuary? 

     Alcatraz has been challenged with complications commonly found in children's novels. A girl you met in a magical place became your love interest. Your grandfather took you to said magical place on your thirteenth birthday. You fight a cult of Librarians with a 'talent' of literally breaking things. You are worthle...no no. *Sigh.*

     Alcatraz is not worthless. Most adults with the same Talent and party members would be a better hero than him. You need to accept that. However, I believe you can... be good and...living Heralds above, look. I have no grudge against Alcatraz. I understand it may seem that way, and I apologize, but he is purely a child. However, I am hesitant to believe that the hosts of this ridicilous event are not newborns. Bridge 4 could be fighting for its life at this very moment, and these storming organizers are-+

 

               

 

+So begins a tangent

 

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And @Archer has beaten @float. @Archer will compete against @Condensation in a later round. Thanks for playing @float!

We are finally getting to the last group! @hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Edgli against @I Am A Fish as @Lunamor (;)) and @Hentient as Spensa against @The_Truthwatcher as Jasnah! Your roasts are due the 8th, which is Thursday. Good luck!

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1 hour ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

And @Archer has beaten @float. @Archer will compete against @Condensation in a later round. Thanks for playing @float!

We are finally getting to the last group! @hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Edgli against @I Am A Fish as @Lunamor (;)) and @Hentient as Spensa against @The_Truthwatcher as Jasnah! Your roasts are due the 8th, which is Thursday. Good luck!

Hehe, well y’all know who I’m rooting for! :P

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27 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

Hehe, well y’all know who I’m rooting for! :P

Much obliged.

1 hour ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

And @Archer has beaten @float. @Archer will compete against @Condensation in a later round. Thanks for playing @float!

We are finally getting to the last group! @hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Edgli against @I Am A Fish as @Lunamor (;)) and @Hentient as Spensa against @The_Truthwatcher as Jasnah! Your roasts are due the 8th, which is Thursday. Good luck!

Who should go first?

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One of the Shards of divinity has taken time out of her busy schedule to pop out of the spiritual realm to roast a guy named after a bit of stone. Without further ado here's Edgli:

Spoiler

High atop Urithiru in an open air amphitheater, the audience waits beneath the blue dome of the sky. Upon the horizon a point of light blazes, and from that point, spreading out in a ragged circle, the blue of the sky leeches into an ashen gray.

As the light grows closer the nimbus around it shimmers in a riot of iridescent hues. The light becomes a serpentine bolt of argent balefire streaking above the audience, leaving a chaotic train of swirling colors. As it speeds towards the stage, it's brilliance fades and the form of a dragon with iridescent scales emerges from the phosphorescent after image of the blinding streak.

As the dragon alights on the stage, her form contracts, and a tall, thin woman with supple limbs and color changing hair touches down lightly upon the stage.

In her presence the garlands festooning the stage reach out to her like supplicating hands, the boards of the stage curve and move around her to form the shape of a 5 petaled flower, and the light around her splinters like it's been broken by 10,000 prisms.

Looking at the audience with her quicksilver eyes, in a voice so melodious that tears leak involuntarily from the audience's eyes, she intones:

 

I deigned take part in this roast

Not to preen, to strut or to boast.

But rather to Awaken within you

The purpose and will to continue

To give back what the world needs most 

 

I could waggle my tongue like a mummer

And say that Rock's sideburns are dumber

Than an Awakener dressed in white

Or than kissing a lifeless goodnight

But negative energy is just such a bummer.

 

If I wanted I could make Lunamor burn 

Your scorn he could certainly earn

But you in glass houses (Shock!)

Shouldn't be throwing your buddy Rock

You never know, he may just Return

 

(At this point in Edgli's speech a group of awakened instruments, led by an awakened mop that looks just like Jerry Garcia, begin playing "Uncle John's Band")

I'm a hippy, my magic is tie-dyed.

You should look at the world wide-eyed,

Because it's a wondrous place.

I'll Endow with my divine grace

To empower but never deride

 

I'm really all about Peace and Love

My touch on Nalthis is a velvet glove.

At birth I give everyone a breath

And no one need ever fear death

Because I can make them Return, sort of.

 

Rock you are a remarkable guy

A great friend, a great father, but why

Use just one pat expression?

Please forgive my digression,

But if I hear that once more I might cry.

 

That sounded harsh, but it's true

Rock, I'm just trying to help you.

Hey Look it's my buddy Vasher!

I'm sorry, I really gotta dash here-

There's this sword I need to look in to.

 

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Alright, here's my Roast! Good luck Truthwatcher!

Spoiler

*Spensa walks in through the back door behind the audience, slowly making her way to the front as she speaks*

My children will hear of Jasnahs defeat this day. Stories whispered around the dinner table, telling the tale of how the glorious Spin brought down the high and mighty Queen of Alethkar. 

Because you see, I'm not scared of you Brightness Kholin.
Despite all the scholarly groups you may be known in
I fly into that debris field everyday,
While you sit around your books and slowly decay

You stay in your libraries, locked away and hiding
To afraid to join the true fighting
Yes, I’ve heard of your actions at the battle in Thaylen
But, as you scholars would say, one action, one moment does not set a trend,
I dare you my friend, to do it again
You won't, you’d rather wait for the battle to end. 

I’ve seen your type, I know your kind, 
You blame this cowardice on the need to refine your mind
But the true fighting doesn't happen within the pages of a book,
It’s out there, in the field, just look! 

Cytonics and the Surge of Transportation, we have similar abilities,
Different names, but the same possibilities
I used my Cytonics to prevent my planets doomsday,
But you use your surges to simply run away. 

Lets recall together Jasnah Kholin, the events of the winds pleasure. 
Do you remember that particular adventure? 
You fled from that ship, leaving your ward alone to die. 
Faking your death, you let them believe the lie.

I’ll give you this, you were stabbed in the chest, 
That gives one the right to take a rest
But after you healed, you were nowhere to be found
If it were up to me, you’d be uncrowned. 

*Spensa reaches the front of the room and hops onto M-Bots nose, using him as her own personal stage*

Yes, at last we have come to this, 
It’s a fact that I simply cannot dismiss. 
*spensa takes a deep bow* Your royal Highness
Though I must ask, are you proud to have that crown? 
To finally be a ruler, now that your father and brother aren’t around? 

I know what its like to be without a father, 
To have to prove everyday that you are stronger
Unlike you, I wasn't born with privilege or power, 
I’ve had to work everyday, every hour, to prove i'm not a coward! 
I’ve voyaged into the unknown, 
In hopes of bringing peace to my home. 

Both our worlds, Detritus and Roshar, are dying
But when it comes to saving our homes, it seems I’m the only one who’s trying. 

*Spensa sits on M-Bots wing, swinging her legs, waiting for Jasnahs response.*

 

Edited by Hentient
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2 minutes ago, Hentient said:

Alright, here's my Roast! Good luck Truthwatcher!

  Reveal hidden contents

*Spensa walks in through the back door behind the audience, slowly making her way to the front as she speaks*

My children will hear of Jasnahs defeat this day. Stories whispered around the dinner table, telling the tale of how the glorious Spin brought down the high and mighty Queen of Alethkar. 

Because you see, I'm not scared of you Brightness Kholin.

Despite all the scholarly groups you may be known in

I fly into that debris field everyday,

While you sit around your books and slowly decay

 

You stay in your libraries, locked away and hiding

To afraid to join the true fighting

Yes, I’ve heard of your actions at the battle in Thaylen

But, as you scholars would say, one action, one moment does not set a trend. I dare you my friend, to do it again!

You won't, you’d rather wait for the battle to end. 

 

I’ve seen your type, I know your kind, 

You blame this cowardice on the need to refine your mind

But the true fighting doesn't happen within the pages of a book,

It’s out there, in the field, just look! 

 

Cytonics and the Surge of Transportation, we have similar abilities,

Different names, but the same possibilities

I used my Cytonics to prevent my planets doomsday,

But you use your surges to simply run away. 

 

Lets recall together Jasnah Kholin, the events of the winds pleasure. 

Do you remember that particular adventure? 

You fled from that ship, leaving your ward alone to die. 

Faking your death, you let them believe the lie.

 

I’ll give you this, you were stabbed in the chest, 

That gives one the right to take a rest

But after you healed, you were nowhere to be found

If it were up to me, you’d be uncrowned. 

 

*Spensa reaches the front of the room and hops onto M-Bots nose, using him as her own personal stage*

Yes, at last we have come to this, 

It’s a fact that I simply cannot dismiss. 

*Spensa takes a deep bow* Your royal Highness

Though I must ask, are you proud to have that crown? 

To finally be a ruler, now that your father and brother aren’t around? 

 

I know what its like to be without a father, 

To have to prove everyday that you are stronger

Unlike you, I wasn't born with privilege or power, 

I’ve had to work everyday, every hour, to prove I'm not a coward! 

I’ve voyaged into the unknown, 

In hopes of bringing peace to my home. 

Both our worlds, Detritus and Roshar, are dying

But when it comes to saving our homes, it seems I’m the only one who’s trying. 

*Spensa sits on M-Bots wing, swinging her legs, waiting for Jasnahs response.*

(Sorry, its kinda long)

That was awesome!!!

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8 minutes ago, Hentient said:

Alright, here's my Roast! Good luck Truthwatcher!

  Hide contents

*Spensa walks in through the back door behind the audience, slowly making her way to the front as she speaks*

My children will hear of Jasnahs defeat this day. Stories whispered around the dinner table, telling the tale of how the glorious Spin brought down the high and mighty Queen of Alethkar. 

Because you see, I'm not scared of you Brightness Kholin.
Despite all the scholarly groups you may be known in
I fly into that debris field everyday,
While you sit around your books and slowly decay

You stay in your libraries, locked away and hiding
To afraid to join the true fighting
Yes, I’ve heard of your actions at the battle in Thaylen
But, as you scholars would say, one action, one moment does not set a trend,
I dare you my friend, to do it again
You won't, you’d rather wait for the battle to end. 

I’ve seen your type, I know your kind, 
You blame this cowardice on the need to refine your mind
But the true fighting doesn't happen within the pages of a book,
It’s out there, in the field, just look! 

Cytonics and the Surge of Transportation, we have similar abilities,
Different names, but the same possibilities
I used my Cytonics to prevent my planets doomsday,
But you use your surges to simply run away. 

Lets recall together Jasnah Kholin, the events of the winds pleasure. 
Do you remember that particular adventure? 
You fled from that ship, leaving your ward alone to die. 
Faking your death, you let them believe the lie.

I’ll give you this, you were stabbed in the chest, 
That gives one the right to take a rest
But after you healed, you were nowhere to be found
If it were up to me, you’d be uncrowned. 

*Spensa reaches the front of the room and hops onto M-Bots nose, using him as her own personal stage*

Yes, at last we have come to this, 
It’s a fact that I simply cannot dismiss. 
*spensa takes a deep bow* Your royal Highness
Though I must ask, are you proud to have that crown? 
To finally be a ruler, now that your father and brother aren’t around? 

I know what its like to be without a father, 
To have to prove everyday that you are stronger
Unlike you, I wasn't born with privilege or power, 
I’ve had to work everyday, every hour, to prove i'm not a coward! 
I’ve voyaged into the unknown, 
In hopes of bringing peace to my home. 

Both our worlds, Detritus and Roshar, are dying
But when it comes to saving our homes, it seems I’m the only one who’s trying. 

*Spensa sits on M-Bots wing, swinging her legs, waiting for Jasnahs response.*

 

I scudding love this!!!

It's incredibly well thought out and I like how compared Spensa and Jasnah

Edited by Shard of Reading
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15 minutes ago, Condensation said:

That was awesome!!!

 

9 minutes ago, Shard of Reading said:

I scudding love this!!!

It's incredibly well thought out and I like how compared Spensa and Jasnah

Thanks!! :lol: It was nice to actually have a reason to put off my homework for once. 

Edited by Hentient
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A master of cooking, and archery, has come to roast the lamest shard. @hoiditthroughthegrapevine (you were great BTW)

Spoiler
*@Lunamor walks onto stage picks up a microphone, and begins to speak*
 
*In Unkalaki accent* *Probably sound russian*

Hey, listen up, I don't mean to cause @Frustration
But I won't take this chull dung for the rest of this roasts deration, 
Listen to that roast, got no rhythm, got no rhyme,
I'm older than you, I was in Dragonsteel prime,

I am a complete, and total legend with a shard bow,
I end enemies, with my deadly arrows,
What do you say? Rock is stupid and lazy?
Sorry Edgli, you're the one who's Alii'uil''ikii crazy,

Did anyone else ignore that obnoxious, boring rant?
From a supposed "god" who's named after a plant,
Because to be honest, I think that the plant does more good,
At least it's worth something, am I being understood?
 
I am the cook who puts the spices on right,
And if you don't remember I saved Kaladin's life,
But while I lay it on just right,* you're laying it on thick,
You talk like Shallan, trying to soulcast a stick,
 
I refuse to be insulted by Edgli, the massive ignoramus,
Because of all the shards Endowment's by far the lamest,
She got no double shards, Seons or Skaze,
She lacks cool avatars, or them with radiant ways,
 
She says she's "merciful", "kindly", and "great",
She says "I save many from their untimely fates," 
Well pardon me, if I disagree on how that is a blessing,
Most die one week later, Man, your mercy is depressing,
 
I'm just a normal guy, an Unkalaki,
But because of my morals, well I can now fly,
Yet you are a shard "divine,"
You should be really doing better,
If most people had your competence? They would be beggars, 
 
All right, I gotta go, I've a novella to attend to,
I'll be there when Odium, well when he decides to end you,
Until then I'll be working hard, warding off the  fused,
Don't forget to stay yourself, a shard who's old news
 
P.S. The entire fanbase likes me more than you, so suck on a cremling, you loser. 
 
*Rock drops the mic, and walks off the stage*
 
 
 
Spoiler

*This is too perfect for me to pass up: Credit for this amazing piece goes to @revelryintheart

When you put the chull dung on just right...

large_rock.jpg.420665022096fbd2dd176fe99f468903.jpg

 

 

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