Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[FatherTiempo]

6 hours ago, Butt Ad Venture said:

Huh. I didn’t know that Jasnah could soulcast the air into a rock and roll band! 

She's a very versatile Elsecaller

[I think I am here.]

I believe the time has run out for Oduim?

@Paranoid King

[Paranoid King]

21 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

I believe the time has run out for Oduim?

@Paranoid King

Indeed it has.

Given that @That Violin Guy (or @Oduim’s Chmapion) have not responded yet, the round goes to @FatherTiempo. Congratulations! That was an excellent roast.

The current score is:

Scadrial: 1

Roshar: 1

Our next two competitors are @John203 (as Chiri-Chiri) vs. @Rushu42 (as Steris).

Your roasts are due by Oct. 15. Best of luck to the both of you!

[FatherTiempo]

I eagerly await Chiri-chiri and Steris's roast.

[Fezzik]

Steris... Harris... Walrus... Daenerys... This will be a challenge.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

3 hours ago, John203 said:

Steris... Harris... Walrus... Daenerys... This will be a challenge.

Heiress, Ferris, Embarass, compare-us, scare-us, etc. You've got this.

Have you ever noticed the word Embarass looks like it's describing the picture on the coppertone suntan lotion bottle? Em-bar-chull?

[Ghanderflaffle]

You got this @Rushu42!

[Brightness Warrior]

An insect... and a lady... 

I must see how this one goes.

[Fezzik]

Here goes nothing.

Spoiler

Mrs. Ladrian, I do apologize 

It should take but a moment to summarize 

All your failings, exhaustively scrutinized.

You are second in every way meaningful

Wax's leftover love from his Kandra belle,

The less interesting sister of Constable

Lady Marasi Harms who is capable

More than you (a bar set too low) ever will

You would not be improved with a nicrosil

Misting; metal born genes you will never get

Erroneously targeted by the set

In-laws easily see you are not a threat.

Here I should have been calling you Ferris, though

A third wheel between Wax and his kickass bro

All that's left, for me to command Steris, go!

 

[Paranoid King]

@Rushu42, how is the roast going? Time's up, but I'd like to give you a day to respond, if @John203 is OK with that

[Fezzik]

Cool with me. I've been on the other end, so now I get to pay it forward.

[I think I am here.]

On 16/10/2019 at 0:53 PM, John203 said:

Here I should have been calling you Ferris, though

A third wheel between Wax and his kickass bro

This is a really clever line that needs attention!  Great rap, John!

[Rushu42]

Presenting the rap of Steris Ladrian:

Spoiler

A woman in a tastefully chosen Scadrian dress steps up to a microphone. It emits a horrible squealing noise, making it impossible to discern her words, and a man hastens forward and begins fiddling frantically with the wire. She motions for him to stop and pulls a spare, cordless microphone from her purse. This one works perfectly.

 

Well, my name's Steris Ladrian, which I hope that you knew;

I'm not about to reintroduce myself to you.

Still, it's possible you're skeptical of my credentials.

I have my resume, but I'll stick to the essentials.

I'm married to Waxililium, which takes much of my time; 

I manage the whole house while he and Wayne are fighting crime.

I navigate the social scene in Elendel with ease.

If you prepare before the fact, everything is is a breeze. 

My social movement's up, my progress is uncheckable,

and say what you will, my ledgers are impeccable.

 

And while I don't have magic powers, that's better than you;

You're a remnant of an ancient race, and what do you do?

Tag along after some random girl who jumped off a cliff?

Is this the best you can do? Or are you just old and stiff?

You're a glorified pet, and can you even read and write?

I hope you do know something, since you're useless in a fight.

Now, you may be feeling scared; you're welcome to retreat.

You can sign these forms in triplicate to concede defeat.

You could argue that there are a few parts rather out of character for Steris to say, but I would counter that Steris creating a rap at all is completely out of character. I didn't have much choice.

Edited October 17, 2019 by Rushu42

[Paranoid King]

Excellent roasts, both of you! Who will win? Let's find out!

https://forms.gle/XskJPVrgqa6USPHP9

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

 

And finally, our last two contestants are up:

@I think I am here. (Teft) vs @Ark1002 (Kelsier)!

You have until the 24th to submit your roasts.

[Fezzik]

@Paranoid King, the timer for the voting has expired

[AonEne]

*scolds everyone for not upvoting Rushu, who deserved it* 

[FatherTiempo]

*Somehow missed the entire rap and the voting, but still gives a belated upvote, trying to appear casual* 

[Rushu42]

I think there's something wrong with the form. It won't let me vote. @Paranoid King

[Paranoid King]

Sorry about that, everyone. I somehow managed to close the vote before it started. Let me know if this one works:

https://forms.gle/oQpk498EU5mgufpm8

[Rushu42]

It works! Thank you!

Note: due to some page refreshing issues, I may have accidentally submitted two votes. Please disregard one if that is the case.

@Paranoid King

[I think I am here.]

On 20/10/2019 at 4:48 AM, Paranoid King said:

And finally, our last two contestants are up:

@I think I am here. (Teft) vs @Ark1002 (Kelsier)!

You have until the 24th to submit your roasts.

The final matchup of the first round deserves a suitably awesome rap  Make way for the one-of-a-kind Teft!

@Paranoid King

@Ark1002

Spoiler

Come one, come all, from near and far, 

To this planetary brawl, Scadrial vs. Roshar! 

And representing Roshar, his strategy deft, 

Never bereft, never fear, its Teft! 

  

Against the fraudulent god with an opulent maw, 

Wanting laurel and awe from the quarreling skaa. 

No heed for morals or law, Kelsier’s left as a crook, 

A sook, about to be hit by Teft’s verbal left hook! 

  

So prepare to get shook! Your kooky religion will be culled out, 

Take a look at the book, I’m no rookie to taking cults out. 

The Envisagers were crazy, but at least their deities existed, 

Enlisted, weren’t twisted, like the Survivor of Hathsin is. 

  

I strive for Honour, you strive for theft! 

Don’t you know? It’s Life before Death! 

But how am I supposed to roast this boasting wreck, 

When he can’t even keep his own life in check? 

  

So let’s rewind to when Kell was just a kid, 

When his mother was killed, he had to live off-grid. 

Marsh kept him safe, Kell owed him the world, 

So he backstabbed his brother by stealing his girl. 

  

SIDE NOTE: Here’s a little lesson, so listen up kids, 

Addiction is bad no matter what style it’s in. 

Whether it’s a moss, a pill, a genetic syringe, 

A powder, a plant or a Netflix binge. 

  

But I’ve never seen an addiction as beyond comprehension, 

As Kelsier’s own addiction to attention! 

Always trying to be the best thief around, 

Until he got caught, Mare died, and he was sent underground. 

  

So you were turned into a slave, 

(That’s a pretty bad hitch, fool) 

Collecting metal in a cave, 

(Wrists got a pretty bad itch, too) 

And you sweared and you cursed, 

(All those pretty bad rich dudes) 

Too bad I’ve seen worse, 

(In my pretty rad BRIDGE CREW!) 

  

Oh, you had to squeeze your hand into narrow, tight spaces? 

We had to get arrows shot right at our faces! 

And while you had some scars that when done wouldn’t stitch, 

We had to carry a ten ton wooden bridge! 

(Not a task you can just ditch) 

While you got a hitch out of the Pits through your Allomantic gifts, 

16 times more powerful than any normal noble twit. 

And yet you hateauthority (words of a hypocrite!) 

  

While I worked for my powers, that’s no fiction! 

Had to come to terms with my self-hate and addiction, 

Had to stop self-blaming for my parents’ afflictions. 

While all you got was a beating and a dereliction! 

  

But you continued your boasts, and your roasts, and your gall, 

Planning the Empire’s collapse and the Lord Ruler’s fall. 

But when it came to your skills you really dropped the ball, 

Because in your owncrew youweren’t needed at all! 

  

Dox was the smarts, 

Ham was the muscle. 

Clubs owned the hideout, 

Breeze’s job was to hustle. 

Marsh was the spy, 

Sazed was there to say ‘why?’ 

And Lestibournes had tin, 

While the Mistborn was Vin! 

  

You had nothing to do, 

No use in this crew. 

Hardly a critical cog, 

You were replaced by a dog! 

  

But you continued your crusade, 

(Though there was a greater evil in the land) 

Implementing your new faith. 

(You were a puppet in Ruin’s hands) 

And inadvertently paved the way, 

(You fell right into his plan) 

For a second doomsday. 

(An ash-filled wasteland) 

  

And then you made your biggest blunder, 

Using that Malatium you so craved. 

Might as well call you a ‘one-hit-wonder’, 

‘Cause with one slap you were sent straight to the grave. 

  

While I have world wisdom that you can’t hold a match to, 

Even to that urchin who you’re so attached to. 

But even though Survivorist temples have your statue, 

They don’t take away from the simple fact that you: 

  

• Threw a tantrum for an hour 
• Got punched by Hoid in the mouth 
• Became a mere placeholder for Vin’s power 
• Started a new cult in the south 

  

So Kell, (and I say this with the utmost conviction) 

At best, you’re a terrorist with a crucifixion affliction. 

While I’m a KR with a diction addiction, 

So don’t mess with the Teft (and that’s a fact that’s non-fiction!)

Edited October 27, 2019 by I think I am here.

[Snipexe]

24 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Might as well call you a ‘one-hit-wonder’, 

‘Cause with one slap you were sent straight to the grave. 

Spoiler

 

Edited October 24, 2019 by Snipexe
Added spoiler for mobile/those who find gifs annoying.

[Ghanderflaffle]

Alright, nice one @I think I am here.. Ark has this down though.

[Paranoid King]

@Ark1002, how is the roast coming?

@John203 and @Rushu42, votes are tied right now. We can get one more vote to tip the scales, or the two of you can do a mini-roast to settle the tie. Which would you prefer?

[Fezzik]

Mini roast.

Scadrians--filthy to everyone--bring worldhoppers bad names. Bad worldhopping brings everyone to filthy Scadrial.

Edited October 30, 2019 by John203
10 minute ketek.