Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Paranoid King]

Sorry for the late entry, everyone - My internet went out for a few hours.

Next up is @Sorana as Melody

versus @I think I am here. as Tobias.

Good luck to the both of you!

https://www.tickcounter.com/countdown/1362578/melody-v-tobias

[AonEne]

Sorana versus Itiah?!? Is that even possible, or will it break the Shard?

[+Sorana]

On 7.8.2019 at 4:17 PM, AonEne said:

Sorana versus Itiah?!? Is that even possible, or will it break the Shard?

I don't know

=================

EDIT:

Here's my entry

Spoiler

Feel free to step close, and hello old man
welcome to the show – (dramatic pause)
Beware my chalk and my creativity
I will bring some fun, into your captivity
This battle is hard, but I never loose hope
never give up, stand tall and proud
It’s my time now, no time for fear
The world is mine, as I know I’m here
despite of your knowledge, you will never see
it’s not about facts, it’s ‘bout being free
Let the world look up and take a perk
contrasting you, I’m more than a clerk
The circle’s drawn, my path is clear
It’s time for you to tremble in fear

Life is real, you know, like a large show
It is good and bad, happy and sad
and when you need someone to pull your wagon
don’t hesitate to ask, my friendly dragon

I leave school soon, live my own life
never look back, never stop, I am going to strive
there’s a path for me, I won’t wait, just see
what I’ve done, I wrote history
No need for your knowledge, ‘cause it’s way too much
Better change the world than read that much
This is my life and it’s mine to take
I’m strong, I’m real, I am no fake
Staring you down, I will never give up
I will listen to stories and I will look up
Mighty creatures will fight for me
They stand by my side till eternity

Life is like a dream, like a scoop of icecream
It’s sweet and bitter, full of glitter
And when you stand in the middle of genesis
remember to create your own Pegasus

What are your plans, your goals, your aim?
Do you even know how it is, to feel pain?
As an aspect you are but a thought
nothing more than a construct, or a fraught
trapped in a brain you share with others
no chance to live life and see all its wonders
Your knowledge is dry like an empty can
what use are bare facts, without talking to man?
No chance to see, the world on your own
No way for you, to walk alone
Tobias Leeds, you have all of my pity
I almost feel a little bit guilty
So here, for you, a present from me
a unicorn, proud and free

Life is bright and it’s chaos, sometimes full of pathos
just be brave and look, it’s more than a book
and when you face a wall of hatred and scorn
remember to cuddle your unicorn.

@I think I am here.
I'm not 100% sure about the time, but I think, I was already too late, so here a small reminder

Edited August 9, 2019 by Sorana

[I think I am here.]

Great rap, @Sorana! Thanks for the reminder

Without further ado, make way for Tobiaaaaaaass!

Spoiler

Tobias appears with a wise smile and he waves politely to Melody. He gasps a little as Melody roasts him, thinking about kids these days. But he hugs his unicorn, and he tries thinking of a rebuttal...

Hand me a dias!
‘Cause this calls for a Riot.
Your a spineless F-minus,
I’m the highest, no bias, Tobias!

Here to remedy this Melody’s melody with my brevity,
With my endlessly relentless dispense of intensity.
On this defenceless enemy and all her chalking entities,
With an insensibly detestability for an identity.

‘Cause incidentally I have a fundamental superiority,
You’re a sorority girl against a historical authority.
Your brother got destroyed, so perhaps this is hereditary,
You’ll inevitably perish, so consider this a lengthy elegy.

You’re rap essentially was a single-insult boast,
An incessantly incessancy of verbal perplexity for a roast.
Because why is travel something I’d need the most?
When I can recount every city in the world coast-to-coast?

You got saved at the Melee because you traced Joel’s lines,
Now he’s not here to help you, how will you do this time?
Because the rhymes I design are so fresh in expression,
While you prance around half the book only creating more questions!

Like how can you talk to Chalklings?
Ingenuity? Fortuity?
Your whole character is so bad,
You broke your own book’s continuity!

I’m a purpose-built archivist,
If I don’t scare you my technique will.
I’ve got three full novellas,
While you’re still waiting on a sequel!

Your skills are a mystery,
Your insults are hollow.
I’m a master of history,
Let’s see if you can follow:

I’m going to win,
Like I’m Muhammad Ali.
Going to melt your raps to nothing,
Like I’m Salvador Dali.
Going to win the crowd over,
Like I’m Michael Jackson.
Going to conquer you for good,
Like I’m the Anglo-Saxons.
Going to create pure art,
Like I’m Vincent Van Gogh,
You’ll be scared by my raps,
Like I’m Edgar Allan Poe,
I’m an underrated star,
Like I’m Vince Vaughn.
And I’m unstoppable,
Like I’m Genghis Khan!

But thanks for the unicorn,
An imaginary man needs an imaginary pet.
But on the topic of animal neglect,
Here is a cool fact which I hope you won’t forget!
 
Tobias tells Melody the interesting story of how he once saw this magnificent piece of architecture on the street, and how it’s bricks were 1788 exclusively manufactured. It’s boring, but his voice just makes it so interesting...

 

Edited August 9, 2019 by I think I am here.
I’m actually neutral about Vince Vaughn. I just needed something that rhymed with Genghis Khan :P

[Paranoid King]

On 8/7/2019 at 8:34 AM, Sorana said:

I'm not 100% sure about the time, but I think, I was already too late, so here a small reminder

Not at all. At least, you're both within the timer I set.

And boy howdy, you both used that time well! These roasts are fantastic! I actually took a minute to look up Vince Vaughn, 'cause I didn't know who he was. And I love Melody's motivational roast. It's so wholesome.

Vote on the winner here: https://forms.gle/81UcEuhsdL2n47zu6

 

Next up is @Snipexe as Jason Write!

And @MetaTerminal as Stephen Leeds!

You have 48 hours. Good luck!

https://www.tickcounter.com/countdown/1368868/leeds-v-write

[MetaTerminal]

On 8/10/2019 at 0:10 PM, Paranoid King said:

Next up is @Snipexe as Jason Write!

And @MetaTerminal as Stephen Leeds!

Wow, that timing was and is really unfortunate for me. Could I get another day or so? I don’t mind if Snip gets extra time as well.

[Paranoid King]

9 hours ago, MetaTerminal said:

Wow, that timing was and is really unfortunate for me. Could I get another day or so? I don’t mind if Snip gets extra time as well.

No problem. I'm moving apartments tomorrow anyways, so I'll give you both another 2 days.

https://www.tickcounter.com/countdown/1371178/leeds-v-write

And the winner of the previous round is @I think I am here. Congratulations!

[+Sorana]

Congratulations @I think I am here.

Was an honor to loose against you! Your roast was awesome!!

[I think I am here.]

19 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

And the winner of the previous round is @I think I am here. Congratulations!

Yay

19 hours ago, Sorana said:

Congratulations @I think I am here.

Was an honor to loose against you! Your roast was awesome!!

Thanks! I’ve never heard anyone say it was an honour to lose against me before though  

[Paranoid King]

@Snipexe, @MetaTerminal, time is up. Let us know how your roasts are coming along!

[Snipexe]

Sorry, I’m frantically working on it atm. It should be up by the end of the day (>3hrs).

[MetaTerminal]

Argh. Out of time.

My schedule has not improved in the slightest, unfortunately, and shows no signs of doing so. As in, I have no free time to work on this. I thought I would be able to, but that turned out not to be the case...

Is it possible to forfeit? I know that’s not really in the spirit of things, but unless I put out something spectacularly sub-par based on the few brief notes I have then I don’t see anything good being produced. If I am allowed to forfeit, Snip might be saved from this round and having to put out something quickly. (Though of course they are free to do so.)

[AonEne]

Having done it twice, I can confirm that forfeiting is allowed. Unless the rules have changed since then.

[Snipexe]

1 hour ago, MetaTerminal said:

Argh. Out of time.

My schedule has not improved in the slightest, unfortunately, and shows no signs of doing so. As in, I have no free time to work on this. I thought I would be able to, but that turned out not to be the case...

Is it possible to forfeit? I know that’s not really in the spirit of things, but unless I put out something spectacularly sub-par based on the few brief notes I have then I don’t see anything good being produced. If I am allowed to forfeit, Snip might be saved from this round and having to put out something quickly. (Though of course they are free to do so.)

I’m planning on finishing my roast either way, so don’t let that effect you either way.

[+Sorana]

1 hour ago, Snipexe said:

I’m planning on finishing my roast either way, so don’t let that effect you either way.

I'm looking forward to it!

[Snipexe]

 

@Paranoid King @MetaTerminal Here you go:

A Roast of Stephen and Company:

Spoiler

Stephen
I’ve got a feelin’
that right now the playing field is a little uneven,

There’s quite a few of you, and only one of me
But then again, I’m not the one with the insanity,
Stephen, I guess I’ll start with you,
But don’t worry about your friends, I’ll roast them too,

You call yourself a detective,
But your methods aren’t effective,
Don’t you know the family’s the one with the incentive

While you went solved a little camera mystery,
I uncovered a galactic conspiracy,
You may have stopped an explosion in Longway,
But have you ever held the entire human race at bay?
While a single car bomb was enough to take you down,
I killed a Cyto master and ported out of town,

Trust me Stephen, we you might think that we’re done,
but now it’s time I roast your aspects one by one,

Adoline, you’re the one with OCD,
It’s sad your skills cramped by your compulsity

Armando, the fake Mexican ex-Emperor
You seem to be an aspect killing murderer
While you were busy living in a fantasy,
You could have solved a case that made history,

Arnaud, the imaginary physicist,
It’s unfortunate that quantumly you don’t exist,

Audrey, the fictitious, the fake, the imaginary,
in its context your psychosis seems reactionary,
you may provide some helpful handwriting analysis,
but the strife your presence causes is  simply fabulous

Chin, you seemed to help  out Ivans during the Longway Incident,
But based on present events it didn’t set a precedent

Clive, yet another aspect whose skill were found lacking
your lack of smarts on Chemicals nearly sent the case packing

Dylan, the pacer, 
the inner book spacer,

Flip, you got gipped
your main character trait in the entire book is that you’re definitely not ripped.

Ivans, the lackluster, the Longway mechanic,
the lack of your presence in Israel certainly caused a  panic.

Ivy, come on, you’re one of the core 3,
That seems to be quite the responsibility,
You have influence with Stephen, I won’t have lied,
But when you messed things up, aspects died,

J.C, you’re a gunman I guess,
But the fact of the matter is,
Your situation’s a mess.
You stay with Stephen thinking you’re a time ranger, 
but in this reality, you aren’t a danger

Kalyani, translator of Hebrew
you were made for a job, but after that you’re career’s through

Leroy, you’re an unknown, a name on the page,
It doesn’t surprise that you weren’t sent backstage

Lua, you say you’re a survivalist,
but you also seem to be an optimist, an idealist,
but most importantly, not a pragmatist

Marinda, you seem to be an artist,
but drawing in the middle of a case doesn’t seem the smartest

Mi Won, a medic, but I repeat
You have to be able touch someone in order to treat

Ngozi, the forensic germaphobic,
The effort bacteria would need to get you sick would be heroic

Owen, how’s a goin?
Does it hurt knowin,
that you playing golf is the only time your name is spoken

Rahul, how does it feel to be a mistake,
compared to the other aspects you don’t got what it takes,
Sure you’ve got a few decent general skills,
but compared to them you can’t pay the bills

Tobias, you’re the expert in history
But your use in the books is a mystery,
You seem to have nothing but the goal to bore
Your voice appears to be your only allure

Turquoise ain’t that an interesting name
then again art is under your domain,
but I got to say
the stoner voice?
it’s a cliche

Xavier, come on you’re a Satanist,
honestly, there’s a reason this roast is at the end of my list.

As I come to the end of my roasts in rhyme,
I gotta say Stephen, I hope you had a good time.

 

[Paranoid King]

22 hours ago, MetaTerminal said:

Is it possible to forfeit?

Nah, that's fine. As AonEne said, it's a well-honored tradition around here.

20 hours ago, Snipexe said:

 @Paranoid King, @MetaTerminal Here you go:

A Roast of Stephen and Company:

Did... did you just roast 23 people? In alphabetical order? What a champ! If only I had more upvotes to give...

 

Next up is the final battle between @I think I am here. and @Snipexe!

@Snipexe, you just finished your last battle, so feel free to take a few extra days on this one. I look forward to seeing the champion roast! Good luck!

[Paranoid King]

Hey, quick update: School will be starting soon, and with that and part-time work, I won't have as much time to moderate the roast battles. I'll still pop in now and again, but I'll be much less active.

@I think I am here. and @Snipexe, you're good to go on the champion roasts. Just post your finished raps once they're done!

[Snipexe]

Just now, Paranoid King said:

Hey, quick update: School will be starting soon, and with that and part-time work, I won't have as much time to moderate the roast battles. I'll still pop in now and again, but I'll be much less active.

@I think I am here. and @Snipexe, you're good to go on the champion roasts. Just post your finished raps once they're done!

Crap, I spaced this. I'll try to have it up soon

[I think I am here.]

1 hour ago, Paranoid King said:

Hey, quick update: School will be starting soon, and with that and part-time work, I won't have as much time to moderate the roast battles. I'll still pop in now and again, but I'll be much less active.

@I think I am here. and @Snipexe, you're good to go on the champion roasts. Just post your finished raps once they're done!

Okay! Sorry for the inactivity. I’ll have mine up soon  

[I think I am here.]

Double post, but I have new content to add and I want to bump this to the top!

This rap is long overdue, but Tobias was just warming up his vocal skills for the finals .

So, without further babble I present to you, Stephen Leeds' best aspect, the Morgan Freeman himself... Tobiaaaaaaaas!

Spoiler

Tobias walks down the street, minding his own business, when he hears from an alleyway Jason Write roasting Stephen Leeds. Tobias watches happily until:

“Tobias, you’re the expert in history

But your use in the books is a mystery,

You seem to have nothing but the goal to bore

Your voice appears to be your only allure”

 

Tobias gasps. A roast against him, and he thought he and Jason were friends!  Well, Tobias is hurt. There was only one thing to do in response...

 

Oh, good night, Mr. Write,

Fancy, I was just reading about the Wrights,

What were you doing? Oh that’s right!

Roasting me in your little rite!

 

Yes, I heard that roast about me, and others of my kind.

(Hallucinations that simply help out Stephen Leeds)

And talk about that roast, you must really be blind,

You aimed for one man - but dissed 23!

 

So now that you’ve dissed me,

It’s just etiquette to respond.

It takes two to tango,

(Prepare to meet the God Beyond)

 

When I roasted young Melody,

I called it a “lengthy elegy”.

But with you this roast’s a threnody,

You’ll end up like John F. Kennedy.

 

‘Cause with historic topics I’m mnemonic,

Your an idiotic myopic cytonic.

I’ll write a melodic Shakespearean sonnet,

And bust apart your bionics like a bonnet.

 

My novellas are bestsellers

From other blind people you’re asunder.

You sure aren’t no Helen Keller,

And sure ain’t no Stevie Wonder.

 

Because, simply put, it’s you who’s boring,

Where are your weaknesses? It’s tragic!

You’re only flaw is your blindness,

And that’s taken care of by your magic!

 

‘Cause you’ve got zero issues to curdle,

How is the audience supposed to relate?

When there’s a hero who solves every hurdle,

By a dice and slice of his mindblades?

 

But let’s not forget your other mechanisations,

(like instant communication, and teleportation)

Wow, superior tech and ability?

You’re the epitome of: “pls nerf, OP!”

 

But interest is not something you expertise in,

Your whole short story is boring, fella.

Now Skyward’s the only reason,

Anyone even reads your novella.

 

I, on the other hand, have numerous issues at length,

But I’m smart enough to know how to turn them into my strengths.

I may be neurotic, yes, but I think you’ll find, man,

That there nothing more chaotic than when I unleash Stan!

 

Yo, I’m the one and only Stan,

No one else can contend.

I’m a real space man!

You just like to play pretend.

Don’t try to flee now you’re caught,

By the mean astronaut.

All your machines, all for naught,

When I’m a dream of a thought.

It’s hallucination-ception,

While your nation’s in recession.

All the aliens have FTL travel,

While you’re still stuck on your planet’s gravel.

I’m here to shoot down your bars, see?

Harder than you shot down the Tenasi.

I’m a lyrical miracle,

You’re a pitiful whimsical.

I’m an analytical pinnacle,

You’re a physical minimal.

You’re generic,

I’m mesmeric,

The Varvax Sonn called you barbaric.

You need a barrack,

‘Cause I’m hysteric,

My rhymes are like me: atmospheric!

I’m a visionary,

Your vision’s hairy.

Hope you’re collision-wary,

I’ll kill an Elysian (scary!)

Now for my forecast observation:

It looks like two hallucinations,

Are taking one blind whiny heinie,

Out of the Cosmere Roast equation!

And from what I can see from my space station,

(Because I’m rarely ever wrong)

It’s - damnation! - raining roasted Jason!

Make sure your umbrellas are up and strong!

Can’t you see? You’re a graven sight,

Roasting you is a wasted song,

You’re name is Jason Write?

You’re more of a Jason Wrong.

 

Well, thank you Stan, 

That was a clever little diss.

But if you’ll hand the mic back,

I need to finish this.

 

So if you expected to win,

I suspect you’ll be displeased.

I may be old like Charles Darwin,

But I still schooled you like Socrates.

 

This fight’s no David and Goliath,

You’re a sightless g-man, man.

‘Cause Jason can never beat Tobias,

And his right-hand man Stan!

 

So go back to the Phone Company (ring ring ring!)

Too bad they can’t make a Cytonic that helps you sing (sing sing)!

‘Cause there’s no defense against Tobias when he’s in the ring,

With only words I won this battle:

(Call me Martin Luther King)

 

Tobias drops the mic, then explains Jason the fascinating aspects of the Civil Rights movement and how it affected both short-term and long-term economic structures around the local and global economies...

( @Snipexe )

Edited August 28, 2019 by I think I am here.

[+Ed Venture]

Whooo! Go Tobias!

Great job Itiah! I loved the Stan interlude!

[Paranoid King]

On 8/26/2019 at 5:40 AM, I think I am here. said:

Double post, but I have new content to add and I want to bump this to the top!

This rap is long overdue, but Tobias was just warming up his vocal skills for the finals .
So, without further babble I present to you, Stephen Leeds' best aspect, the Morgan Freeman himself... Tobiaaaaaaaas!

I gotta say, that was fantastic! One of the best roasts I have read yet.

@Snipexe, I know you're cooking up a dish just as good as this one, but for the sake of keeping things moving, I'll have to ask that you finish within three days.

Best of luck to you!

[Snipexe]

I’m really sorry guys. I’ve been trying to write a post over the past week or so, but I’ve just been way too busy to be able to commit enough time to this, especially in a way that Itiah.’s amazing roast deserves. I really wish that I could have, but unfortunately real life has to take precedence. So I’m going to go ahead and post the 5 stanzas I have, but please consider this a forfeit.

Spoiler

You’ve shredded my lines, like the panzers into France,
But, alas just like the allies, I think I’ve got another chance,
So it’s D-Day, H-Hour, T-Time to go,
To quote an old philosopher “Imma school ya boy!”—Plato

You may roast my Cyto powers, like Kaysing aiming to defame
But let me tell ya boy Neil Armstrong that I’ve put him to shame,
One small step for man, one giant leap through space and time,
So without further ado about nothing, I think it’s time to rhyme.

You think yourself a Lincoln,
Well I see a Lyndon B,
While claiming great heroics,
You’ve done nothing great in history.

You’re just part of Stephen,
Sure you’ve got the voice of Freeman,
But that doesn’t do much when you’re a today-I-learned Hallucination,
Remind me again, was it you or me survived assassination?

I don’t have much time, so I’m keeping to brevity,
Something you ought to learn in your fact spouting insanity,
Talking to Major Tom doesn’t give you much credibility, 
So remember that next time you roast someone with a disability!

 

[Paranoid King]

On 9/2/2019 at 10:39 PM, Snipexe said:

I’m really sorry guys. I’ve been trying to write a post over the past week or so, but I’ve just been way too busy to be able to commit enough time to this, especially in a way that Itiah.’s amazing roast deserves. I really wish that I could have, but unfortunately real life has to take precedence. So I’m going to go ahead and post the 5 stanzas I have, but please consider this a forfeit.

Nah, don't worry about it. These 5 stanzas are top quality! The flow, the humor, the references... All perfect, and I only wish I had more.

As SnipExe has chosen to forfeit, the championship goes to @I think I am here. Congratulations, it looks like you've won another one!

 

We'll have a few days intermission, then I'll open up the signups for tournament 7. Before then, I'd like to hear what people would like included in this next tournament. Cosmere-only, non-cosmere, both, or something else entirely? Let me know what you think, and I'll do my best to work with it.