Ashspren

Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

1,518 posts in this topic

*recovers from laughter*

Thank you so much, Itiah. I needed that

7 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

As in “Y do I have to rap against the great Yomen?”

...the truth of this statement. :lol:

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1 hour ago, Silva said:

*recovers from laughter*

Thank you so much, Itiah. I needed that.

No worries :lol:

8 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

Nicely done, Itiah! Those roasts were smooth as butter. If not for the underlining, the special words wouldn't have seemed out of place at all. What a pleasure to read!

Thanks! 

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Storms @Paranoid King! I'd have trouble competing with any of your roasts, let alone three of them at once! Seriously, hats off to you, dude!

But that's not to say I'm going to just give up. ;) I'll still go down swinging!

So without further ado, Here's Galladon!

Spoiler

Ah, if it isn’t Gemmel- we were friends once,

Way back when, in our Shakespearean days

I’m not sure about you, but I for one

Have grown more that a little sick of his plays

 

But not quite as sick as I am of you, friend

Your mad mutterings have lost their appeal

It’s time that I put this thing to an end

If I never saw you again? Yeah, that’d be ideal

 

You’re so idiotic that we’re not even comparable

Who are you that I should give you any respect?

What have you done that’s the least bit remarkable

Except proved to us all that you lack intellect?

 

I’m sophisticated, suave, both witty and wise

And so smooth the ladies all call me Coffee Jelly

But you’re wild and mad, hair infested with lice,

Just the smell of you’d make a girl sick in the belly

 

I’ve been all over the entire Cosmere,

From Elantris to the Purelake to Thaylenah

And met a lot of ugly freaks between there and here

But only the sight of your face has had me wailin’,

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

 

And what’s going on with you, Ruin, and Kelsier?

The three of you form some sort of weird hate-triangle

I hate to say it but you’re the third wheel it appears

You’ll be better off the sooner you get disentangled

 

You’re barely a side-note, not even worth mention

Did your name even get stated once in your novel?

It’s a good thing that it didn’t give you more attention

Because doing that would have made the whole thing awful

 

I’m trying to think of something you’re good at

But I gotta be honest I can’t think of anything

So do us all a favor and just throw in your hat

And go turn yourself into an Inquisitor’s eye-bling.

 

 


And with that, we have all four submissions for the Semi-Final Round, which can mean only one thing:

It's time to VOTE!

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Excellent, excellent roasts!  

@I think I am here., loved those rhymes, and the rhythm.  So good.  Such good.  Words.  Yes.  Approval.  (The "pad your book's word count," and "expositional dialogue" lines were great. :lol:)

@Herowannabe, so many great lines!  Rhyming "Thaylenah" with "wailin', 'AAH!'"  The "weird hate-triangle."  "Inquisitor's eye-bling." :lol:

Another tough choice for us voters...

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Nice

Edited by Ryan Diggory
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On 28/05/2019 at 4:28 AM, Zath said:

Excellent, excellent roasts!  

@I think I am here., loved those rhymes, and the rhythm.  So good.  Such good.  Words.  Yes.  Approval.  (The "pad your book's word count," and "expositional dialogue" lines were great. :lol:)

Thanks :D

On 27/05/2019 at 3:01 PM, Herowannabe said:

And with that, we have all four submissions for the Semi-Final Round, which can mean only one thing:

It's time to VOTE!

Oooh, yay!

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Alright everyone, the votes are in, which means it's time to begin

The Final round of the Cosmere Roast Battle Tournament of Champions!!!

In the left corner, we have a guy whose rapping skill is the only thing madder than he is, the crazy Skaa that leaves you in awe, the only mistborn who is more excelsior than Kelsier, GEMMEL!!!!! (as represented by @Paranoid King)

And over in the right corner, wearing the sharpest of Ministry robes and boasting even sharper frontal lobes, And by that I mean he's got a cranium so quick he doesn't even need the Atium, the showman who sees every omen, YOMEN!!!!! (as represented by @I think I am here.)

Congratulations you two for making it to the finals! You are both very deserving and should feel honored to be here. (And with Gemmel and Yomen in the finals, it means that the Tournament of Champions, like all of the past tournaments, has once again proven that Scadrians still rap better than anyone else out there. ;) )


Of course, with it being the Tournament of Champions, we have made the final round a bit more challenging and thrown in a couple twists for you. First off, the format will be a little different. You will each be coming up with not one, but TWO raps, posted one at a time, alternating between the two of you, like so: 

  1. First rapper's roast
  2. Second rapper's roast/rebuttal
  3. First rapper's second roast//rebuttal/finale
  4. Second rapper's second roast/rebuttal/finale

I just flipped a coin and the gods of fate have decreed that @Paranoid King will go first. @I think I am here., you should wait until @Paranoid King has posted his first rap before you post your response, and then so on. 

In addition, each of your raps will be done as a parody of a well known song. You are free to choose your own songs, and they can be from any genre (in other words, they don't need to be rap songs. They could be Pop songs or Rock songs or Classical songs or Disney songs or you could even do it to the tune of Baby Shark, it's up to you). That being said, I highly recommend picking songs that most everyone will be familiar with, rather than an obscure song that many people haven't heard before. Also, when you post your rap, please link to the original song on Youtube so that we can follow along. Also note that you should be coming up with your own lyrics for the songs, not just re-using the lyrics from the original, even if they would be applicable.

So @Paranoid King, you are up first! Since this is the finals, we are not going to be strict about time limits. We want you to take the time you need to create roasts that you are happy with, rather than rushing something out. However, please don’t keep us waiting long! We are all eager to see how this round will play out. :D

Let the final round the the Cosmere Roast Battle Tournament of Champions begin!

 

Edited by Herowannabe
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Welp, I was going to say I'd have it out by Wednesday, but it turns out it's a lot easier to adapt lyrics then to make up your own. So, uh, here you go!

Spoiler

 

You stumble through your days

As the ashmounts turn the skies a shade of gray

Like a mistwraith in the night

You know deep inside

You're losing in this fight

 

Thinking that a dead man's walking

Picking the misguided option

But you can join the cause and

see the world in a whole new way

 

Without the ash the sun is blinding

your paradigm needs redesigning

leave behind your narrow mind

You'll never be the same

 

Come along

Come alive

As an elder god begins to revive

Nothing here

to dislike

Once you leave your books and you take the spike

 

And the world becomes a better place

When you're wiping out the human race

'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open

 

Once you join up with the final boss,

You're commanding ten thousand koloss

'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open

 

So come alive!

 

Hah!

 

The markings 'round your eyes!

Are the telltale signs

of an obligator's face!

 

Just take a look outside!

The Lord Ruler's gone

But Ruin's filled his place!

 

Your allomancy wields my power

Once I find it, I'll devour

 

This broken world, think!

By era one, you'll be in space!

 

Giving up your worthless learning

Time to watch the world burning!

 

You can prove there's more to you

Come join Ruin's embrace!

 

(Inquisitor choir joins in)

 

Come along

To the end

As you leave your land, prepare to ascend

Soar the night!

Feel the breeze!

Come into the alley, we have cookies!

 

The Lord Ruler's power at your demand,

Nature bends to meet your last command

'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open!

 

Feel the joy when nations crash and burn

As the planet slows its heav'nly turn

'Cause we're dreaming with our eyes wide open!

 

So come alive!

 

Come one!

Come all!

Come join the thrall!

 

To anyone who's raging from within:

 

Come one!

Come all!

Feel Ruin's call!

 

To anyone who's reaching for a chance to begin!

(I win!)

(Kill Vin!)

 

And the world crumbles into dust

As the subjects who have gained his trust

(Them who's dreaming with their eyes wide open)

 

Spreading out into the other lands

Through the shattered plains and ashen sands

As we're dreaming with our eyes wide open!

 

Heeeeey!

 

And as Ruin stretches out his arm

As the cosmere reels back in alarm

We're all dreaming with our eyes wide open!

 

Odium no more the greatest threat,

Your past life you surely will forget

We're all dreaming with our eyes wide open!

 

'Cause we're dreaming with our eyes wide open!

 

So come alive!

 

 

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Yay, finals!

Also, great roast Paranoid! Round of applause to the Inquisitor Choir. :)

Anyway, I’m working on my roast, but wait, what’s the song, you ask?

Feel it Still, by Scadrial. The Man ;) 

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3 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

Come into the alley, we have cookies!

Okay, I loved this whole thing, but this line alone was worth the upvote.

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Ladies and Gentlemen!

Surely it doesn't feel that long ago, when our very own Aradan Yomen was just a young rapper, teaming with Taan to take down Dusk and Sarene, however impossible it might have seemed to against such talented rappers.

And it was not too long ago where Yomen went against Sja-Anat and Dilaf, almost losing his soul to the stealer of secrets and the Dakhor master, but he came back, amazingly.

And then his good friend Taan was removed from the tournament, and Yomen swore to avenge him.

There had been some roadblocks, but he prevailed. And now, he finally faces off against his ultimate opponent, Obligator against assassin, Seer against Mistborn, underdog vs. champion, I bring you, the one, the only, Aradan Yooooooomen!

Spoiler

 

You should keep your hands to yourself,    *Beat Intensifies*

Away from your sharp spikes, meds, and away from Kell.

Or else you’ll face the rapping power of me,

Am I coming out of left field? 

 

*Saxophone enters the stage*

 

Ooh woo, I beat Ruin just for kicks, now,

I’ve been beating him since 1166 now.

Battle’s over now, but I feel it still.

 

Ooh woo, you swapped your boasts for fancy fonts now,

You didn’t even roast and you didn’t even taunt, now.

What were you even doin’? Making an ad for Ruin?

 

So you wanna rap against me?

Kel’s little babysitter, better call the grave digger,

‘Cause you’ll be down before you knew a thing.

And that’s not coming out of left field.

 

Ooh woo, these roasts are just insane, wow,

Kind of like you, and your little cuckoo brain, now.

You have your vials filled, but I’ll kill you still.

 

Ooh woo, can’t you see my raps are slick, now,

Gonna beat you until 2086, now.

Hasn’t happened yet, but I see it still.

 

We could’ve fought together in peace.

 

(Ooh woo, I beat Ruin just for kicks, now)

 

But you gave in to that easy living,

Said bye to your hopes and dreams.

Started serving our big ENEMY

Now you’re a traitor with no soul right now.

 

(Ooh woo, let’s be honest, no more tricks, now)

 

It's time to give my little tip I have

Kids in the middle era you dooooon’t at all,

So don’t bother me.

 

“Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming back?”

 

*Maniacal Cackling knowing your skills will never come back*

 

Ooh woo, this rap’s still longer than your page count,

Your sins are an abyss for my wins to eclipse, now.

Try to hide your flaws, but I see them still.

 

*Dramatic Piano*

 

Ooh woo, My Atium can dodge your kicks, now,

I’ve been feeling that your brain needs a big fix, now.

Like your development, it’s just a detriment.

 

Ooh woo, I’m dreaming with open eyes, now,

You said to Come Alive, and I have, and I thrive, now.

‘Cause you’re singing hysterics, while I have all the merits.

And these raps are a rave, while you’re still Ruin’s slave.

 

Edited by I think I am here.
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57 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Ladies and Gentlemen!

This round is moving fast!

58 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Ooh woo, you swapped your boasts for fancy fonts now,

Rusts!

59 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

You didn’t even roast and you didn’t even taunt, now.

Storms!

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

What were you even doin’? Making an ad for Ruin?

Colors!

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

 Ooh woo, this rap’s still longer than your page count,

This entire roast is amazing, but these lines hit the hardest. Wow. I don't even know what song I'm gonna pick next, I just had to applaud this masterpiece.

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8 minutes ago, Paranoid King said:

This entire roast is amazing, but these lines hit the hardest. Wow. I don't even know what song I'm gonna pick next, I just had to applaud this masterpiece.

Oh, you’re going to make me blush :wub:.

But honestly, thank you. I actually find it interesting how you said you found making a parody easier than writing a rap from scratch. Personally, I think I found the parody harder, but that just might be me. And as to what song to pick next, I second your thought on that. I have no idea what song I’ll pick (maybe Urteaurian Rhapsody? :P)

Edited by I think I am here.
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1 minute ago, I think I am here. said:

I have no idea what song I’ll pick (maybe Urteaurian Rhapsody? :P)

I was just thinking that! I'll leave that one to you, but I will need a song long enough to compete... Maybe through the Fire and the Flames? I'll have my choice settled by this evening, for sure

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7 minutes ago, Paranoid King said:

I was just thinking that! I'll leave that one to you, but I will need a song long enough to compete... Maybe through the Fire and the Flames? I'll have my choice settled by this evening, for sure

I’m not really familiar with that song, but it sounds suitably awesome :) But honestly, if you want to do Bohemian Rhapsody, don’t let me stop you. It’s not like the song is reserved or anything :P 

Edited by I think I am here.
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14 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

I’m not really familiar with that song, but it sounds suitably awesome :) But honestly, if you want to do Bohemian Rhapsody, don’t let me stop you. It’s not like the song is reserved or anything :P 

Nah, you go for it. BoRap is a great song, but it's not a Gemmel song, ya know what I'm saying?

That being said, are you ready for round 2?

Spoiler

Yomen, so plain and plump,
Afraid of the fall.
After the great uprising
Did nothing at all.

Really, you don't stand out,
Can't think of your name.
Holing up inside your wall
to shift the blame.

No way to fall in love
With your messed-up face.
You'll have to be satisfied
Coming second-place.

You perpetually suffer
In the first stage of grief.
Wait on the Ruler for

Relief.

But I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

I soar through the city,
My cloak is the night!
My veins fill with purpose,
The thrill of the fight!

And the fire in my bones
will swear I lived.

Wasting away your days
on dance and drink.
Pretend to philosophize

but you never think.

You seem scared of commitment
Must prefer to stagnate.
Leaving your work as seer
to fate.

But I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

I trained up a sidekick,
I wrestled the mists!
I settled my contests

with dagger and fists!

And the voice inside my soul
Will swear I lived.

*Rapped double-speed during “Woah” section*

(You've barely any power,
My enemies taste steel
You're left without conviction,
My deity is real!)

(Your leadership is passive,
I'm always at the front
Your favorite move is dodge,
Can't hope to match my stunts)

(Your people kept in line
With prodigious use of wine
I had to train up Kelsier,
and he turned out just fine!)

(You bullied up the chosen one
And locked her in a cage.
You think things would turn out okay
without my student's rage?)

I topple noble thrones,
And swear I live

I topple noble thrones,
And swear I

I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

The soldiers all fear me,
Hazekillers say prayers!
Inquisitors flee from
my thousand-year stare!

Yeah, I'm never left alone,
I swear I lived!

I swear I lived.

 

Edited by Paranoid King
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2 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

No way to fall in love
With your messed-up face.
You'll have to be satisfied
Coming second-place.

Yomen foresaw this burn, but it still hurts. Great rap!

2 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

That being said, are you ready for round 2?

 

You’re on :). Get ready for the most epic rap to ever be constructed on the face of the Cosmere, made to a suitably epic song.

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9 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

Nah, you go for it. BoRap is a great song, but it's not a Gemmel song, ya know what I'm saying?

That being said, are you ready for round 2?

  Reveal hidden contents

Yomen, so plain and plump,
Afraid of the fall.
After the great uprising
Did nothing at all.

Really, you don't stand out,
Can't think of your name.
Holing up inside your wall
to shift the blame.

No way to fall in love
With your messed-up face.
You'll have to be satisfied
Coming second-place.

You perpetually suffer
In the first stage of grief.
Wait on the Ruler for

Relief.

But I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

I soar through the city,
My cloak is the night!
My veins fill with purpose,
The thrill of the fight!

And the fire in my bones
will swear I lived.

Wasting away your days
on dance and drink.
Pretend to philosophize

but you never think.

You seem scared of commitment
Must prefer to stagnate.
Leaving your work as seer
to fate.

But I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

I trained up a sidekick,
I wrestled the mists!
I settled my contests

with dagger and fists!

And the voice inside my soul
Will swear I lived.

*Rapped double-speed during “Woah” section*

(You've barely any power,
My enemies taste steel
You're left without conviction,
My deity is real!)

(Your leadership is passive,
I'm always at the front
Your favorite move is dodge,
Can't hope to match my stunts)

(Your people kept in line
With prodigious use of wine
I had to train up Kelsier,
and he turned out just fine!)

(You bullied up the chosen one
And locked her in a cage.
You think things would turn out okay
without my student's rage?)

I topple noble thrones,
And swear I live

I topple noble thrones,
And swear I

I, I did it all!
I, I did it all!

The soldiers all fear me,
Hazekillers say prayers!
Inquisitors flee from
my thousand-year stare!

Yeah, I'm never left alone,
I swear I lived!

I swear I lived.

 

Great job!

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Ah, and at last we have come to the final rap, the finale to the tournament, the Roast of Ages. In reflection, this tournament has been great, the twists and turns of it really made that much more interesting. Sure, we had a swap of mediators but in the end, this tournament was awesome.

Now, to commence Yomen's white whale, his black swan, his magnum opus, his ultimate rap to a suitably awesome song.

Enjoy :)

Spoiler

*Rickroll Intensifies*

We're no strangers to rhyme,

You know the rules and so do I.

But even if this is the Final Fight,

You could be beaten by, like, every other guy.

 

My raps are just gonna send you reeling,

Gonna make you understand:

 

You never really did a thing,

Just sort of kept grumbling,

The only achievements you have are in your head, dude.

Forever got Ruin in your mob,

Pretending like you’re Calvin and Hobbes,

Kell’s the only reason anyone even knows you.

 

You say your God is, oh so strong,

Oh discount Zane, oh, when will you leaaarn?

Inside we both know what is going on,

I destroy your God with my Atium burns.

 

And if you ask me how I'm feeling,

I’ll tell you what my foresight sees:

 

That you’ll never ever match my heat,

I’m the Scadrian epitome,

I worship the infinite sliver.

Ain’t never ever lost a fight,

And I ain’t gonna start tonight,

The only medal you’re winning is silver.

 

So I’m never gonna give this up,

You’ll forever let yourself down,

My success was never a ‘maybe’.

To Kell (the guy who died),

You never quite said goodbye,

You dropped him harder than you were as a baby.

 

(Oooooooooh, just give up)

(Oooooooooh, just give up)

(Ooooh) Why don’t you just give, why don’t you just give?

(Just give up)

(Ooooh) Why don’t you just give, why don’t you just give?

(Just give up)

 

We've known each other for too long,

Your heart’s been spiked but you’re too bonkers to notice.

Inside we both know you’re too far gone,

Your soul’s a game and Ruin’s gonna play it.

 

You should be on your knees and kneeling,

Begging just to understand:

 

Forever you’ll be dun, a bad alloy,

Forever being Ruin’s little toy,

You and your twisted behaviours.

Your travels take you far away,

Forever running place to place,

Fleeing your persisted failures.

 

‘Messed-up face’ was unoriginal,

But for you I guess that’s typical.

I won the Fadrex election.

Hey, look, the Homeless called,

They said they want back their shawls!

Like half of your raps were dumped in the ‘Woah’ section. :P

 

So as this rap comes to an end,

And I hover over ‘send,

Did you enjoy this rap? I hope so.

‘Cause it was an honour to rap against you,

And this whole tournament was cool!

As the final curtains close.

 

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Niice. ;) You nailed the rhythm on this song!

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

Pretending like you’re Calvin and Hobbes,

He's on to me!

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

To Kell (the guy who died),

You never quite said goodbye,

You dropped him harder than you were as a baby.

Abandon Kell? Never! Fight him to the death? Absolutely!

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

'Cause it was an honour to rap against you,

And this whole tournament was cool!

I could not agree more.

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I awaited Urteaurian Rhapsody with baited breath. 

I warmed up my voice, preparing to belt out the Thunderclasts and lightning very very frightening. Me! Gemmel no, Gemmel no, Gemmel no be magnificooooo line I thought was coming.

Then I got rickrolled. 

:D

Despite that, fabulous writing, you two!

Quote

Ooh woo, I beat Ruin just for kicks, now, I’ve been beating him since 1166 now. 

^ This line was perfect, Itiah. 

Quote

(Inquisitor choir joins in)

^ And this made me laugh out loud, PK. 

Both of you did amazing jobs altering songs seamlessly and hilariously. :lol: You deserve some internet applause!: 

Spoiler

5cf83ce76e6dd_rickapplause.gif.6aac7cfc11f50638de9298484d03916e.gif

Hehe. It's a stealth rickroll. Take that, Itiah.

 

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Sweet Harmony, those were storming amazing.  :lol:  Paranoid King, Itiah...  You both crafted some excellent song parody roasts.  Simply superlative!  Here's some more internet applause:

Spoiler

Image result for applause gif

Also...

On 6/2/2019 at 11:33 PM, Herowannabe said:

Alright everyone, the votes are in, which means it's time to begin

The Final round of the Cosmere Roast Battle Tournament of Champions!!!

In the left corner, we have a guy whose rapping skill is the only thing madder than he is, the crazy Skaa that leaves you in awe, the only mistborn who is more excelsior than Kelsier, GEMMEL!!!!! (as represented by @Paranoid King)

And over in the right corner, wearing the sharpest of Ministry robes and boasting even sharper frontal lobes, And by that I mean he's got a cranium so quick he doesn't even need the Atium, the showman who sees every omen, YOMEN!!!!! (as represented by @I think I am here.)

Let's all take a second and appreciate how Herowannabe set the hype for this last round.  :lol: 
Thanks to you and John203 for stepping up and moderating the last handful of rounds to finish out this tournament!  You deserve internet applause too. (Plus, I still have that tab of applause GIFs open, so why not?)

Spoiler

Related image

 

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1 hour ago, Zath said:

Sweet Harmony, those were storming amazing.  :lol:  Paranoid King, Itiah...  You both crafted some excellent song parody roasts.  Simply superlative!

You said it perfectly.

 

@Paranoid King, @I think I am here.:

Spoiler

giphy.gif

 

1 hour ago, Zath said:

Let's all take a second and appreciate how Herowannabe set the hype for this last round.  :lol: 
Thanks to you and John203 for stepping up and moderating the last handful of rounds to finish out this tournament!  You deserve internet applause too. (Plus, I still have that tab of applause GIFs open, so why not?)

Why thank you! B) But don't forget, if anyone deserves applause it's @Ashspren for kicking this whole thing off in the first place. Seriously, thank you @Ashspren! This really is the greatest thread on the Shard.

Spoiler

standing-ovation.gif

 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We still have one thing left to do... ;)

Spoiler

 

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

We all laughed together

So let’s raise a toast

To Gemmel and Yomen

And their epic roasts!

Both of them brought their best game

For the final round

(final round)

And we’ll never see them the same again!

 

 

It's the final showdown!

(The final showdown)

 

Ohh

Will the Greatest Showman, win PK the brawl?

Or maybe Itiah. He rickrolled us all, yeah

I guess there’s just one way to tell

It’s time to vote!

(time to vote)

Who will win? I just don’t know!

 

It's the final showdown

(The final showdown)

The final showdown

(Final showdown)

Ohh ho ohh

 

The final showdown, Ooh

It's the final showdown

(The final showdown)

The final showdown

(Final showdown)

Ohh

 

It's the final showdown

We’ve all laughed together, Ooh

(The final showdown)

Now it’s time to vote!

It's the final showdown

(Final showdown), Ohh

It's the final showdown

 

(I couldn't resist)

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

I'll keep the poll open until Sunday, so go cast your vote, get your friends and coworkers to vote, bribe homeless people off the street to create an account and vote, whatever it takes!

Edited by Herowannabe
11

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