Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Herowannabe]

On 4/18/2019 at 3:35 PM, Paranoid King said:

Thanks, Zath! Full disclosure, though, like half of the lyrics are pulled directly from the original song. I'm still hoping @ILuvHats shows up with the real roast.

But if not - @John203, @Herowannabe, when can we start the next round?

How about... right now? Apologies for the delay. I can't speak for @John203, but for me personally I've been buried under getting taxes completed, wrapping up a local gaming league that I run, and then Easter/Family stuff so I've been AWOL for the past 10 or so days. 

 

Round 2: Match 3 will feature:

@Zath, representing Dilaf

@I think I am here. representing Sja-Anat

@Kidpen representing Yomen

Good luck everyone, and have fun! You have 96 hours (or basically, until the end of the day on Thursday) to post your roasts. 

@ILuvHats, we will give you the same deadline- if you don't respond within that timeframe then we will consider you as forfeiting and will go ahead and open up voting for Match 2. 

[Kidpen]

To clarify, is Yomen this guy or this guy.

I'm assuming the first guy but it's worth checking.

[+Ark1002]

wats going on now

[AonEne]

2 hours ago, Ark1002 said:

wats going on now

Ash had to leave and a couple other people took charge, we're still in the complicated Tournament of Champions.

[+Ark1002]

K what happened to me?

[AonEne]

*shrugs* Have you participated yet?

[Herowannabe]

On 4/23/2019 at 1:15 PM, Ark1002 said:

K what happened to me?

*Checks master spreadsheet*

*Double-checks @Ark1002's name history*

*Re-checks master spreadsheet*

*Checks thread*

Unfortunately, it looks like you didn't make it past the previous round.  Better luck next time!

 

 

On 4/23/2019 at 9:38 AM, Kidpen said:

To clarify, is Yomen this guy or this guy.

I'm assuming the first guy but it's worth checking.

You are correct, it is Aradan Yomen

 

 

@Zath @I think I am here. @Kidpen @ILuvHats One day left!

Edited April 23, 2019 by Herowannabe

[Zath]

Just a heads up: I'm planning to finish my roast tomorrow, but life has dropped a brick on my face (metaphorically) so I may not be able to get my roast done and posted until Friday, or Saturday at the latest.

[I think I am here.]

The stealer of secrets has come to rap!

Competitors beware, her words are a trap!

Spoiler

Dilaf, where to start?

My raps are like a dart.

Changed your look,

Changed your race,

Same crook,

Different face.

From Derethi to Arlene,

But still the same ugly scene.

Oh yes, I know your past, the religious bleakness,

I am, after all, the stealer of secrets.

You joined the Dakhor at ten.

Oh boy, were you rapt,

On their fictional garbage,

Rarely even napped,

Met your wife,

Thought the joy could never be capped,

But when she took her life,

That’s when little Dilaf snapped.

You hated Elantris,

Warped your bone to a weapon.

A little excessive,

But then you hated heathens.

You worked and you toiled,

Your rage inside boiled,

Your army was loyal,

Only for your plan to be foiled!

Seriously Dilaf, your efforts were trash!

The Wyrn did all the work,

And your invasion still crashed!

You first were a cultist,

And now you’re just insane.

Genocidal tendencies,

Dakhor bones instead of brain.

Your evil can be summed up as a mildly threatening elf,

Now I can truly see why your wife killed herself.

 

And now to our favourite future seeing man!

It’s Odium! Wait, Yomen thought he had a chance?

Afraid to break to you bud,

But foresight’s already done.

And better too, I reckon,

Cause we can see more than a second!

Now as an Unmade, I’m used to giving scares,

But even our Void can’t compare,

To your early loss of hair.

Seriously, that Atium bead has more hair than you!

It even has a better fashion sense - no robes and silly tattoos!

You praise and you worship you’re silly little god,

While Odium reigns, you still pray to a fraud.

I’m the taker of secrets,

You run the Canton of neatness.

Can you even compete?

You’ve done no great feat.

I enlighten spren,

You betrayed your men.

My intelligence is paramount,

You’ve got a lot to gain.

My powers are unbound.

Your atium bead’s bigger than your brain.

But we’re both side-switchers, I’ll give you that,

Only difference is my power wasn’t drawn from a hat!

 

Edited April 25, 2019 by I think I am here.

[Herowannabe]

8 hours ago, Zath said:

Just a heads up: I'm planning to finish my roast tomorrow, but life has dropped a brick on my face (metaphorically) so I may not be able to get my roast done and posted until Friday, or Saturday at the latest.

Thanks for the heads up. That’s fine. 

---

Nice rap @I think I am here.!

10 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Now I can truly see why your wife killed herself.

Ouch!

[Zath]

Okay, this is about as good as it's gonna get, so here we go.

Cosmere Character Roast Battle, Tournament of Champions 
Round 2, Match 3: Dilaf vs. Sja-Anat vs. Yomen

A crowd gathers in a dark, cavernous hall nestled deep within the bowels of Dakhor Monastery.  A raised platform, the clear focus of this gathering, faces the crowd.  Candlelight flickers across the misshapen forms of several monks standing upon the platform, their red robes shining like wet blood.  They begin to chant in unison, in a steady and inexorable rhythm.  Their deep, guttural voices fill the air with the dreadful weight and expectancy of an executioner’s raised ax. 

One monk steps forward and throws off his robe, revealing contorted ridges of bone that form unholy patterns of fell power beneath the skin of his bared torso and arms.  A manic glint shines in his eyes.  He begins to speak, keeping his volume at an unvarying level just below a shout.  Wild gestures and quick, hopping steps accompany his every word.

I stand before you as Dakhor Monastery’s gradget,
Fiercest competitor in this Cosmere rap battle pageant!
Are these my foes? Great Jaddeth Below!  
It will be all too easy to deal the death blow!
When I’m through, thus will say your epitaph:
“Slain by the words of the mighty Dilaf!”

Sja-anat...

You're the Taker of Secrets?
More like Maker of Regrets!
You're a faker! (Look how she sweats—
Rayse will break her with mere threats!)

Thought I'd be facing an Unmade's tirade,
But one look at you has made me unafraid!
My roasts will cascade like a full fusillade,
Down upon you to burn up and upbraid!
You served Odium, fought for his crusade,
And only just recently have you betrayed
His cause for that of his foes’!  (Should’ve stayed!)
But you still have not yet gone renegade!
The full extent of your escapades
Is misdirection: the false trail you laid
So Shallan & Co. could escape unscathed!
That's it!  That's all!  That small bit of aid
Is so far the only hand that you've played!
What more could one expect from a shade?
You're smoke in a mirror, and as quick to fade,
Leaving your "allies" high, dry, and dismayed!
Your sense of commitment's severely decayed!
And who can trust oaths that can't be assayed?
Spoiler alert: when all plans have been made,
The lines all drawn and all forces arrayed,
Both sides will think you, Sja-Anat, have played
Them for fools— but this fact you can't evade:
You're simply too flaky, too used to charade,
To pick a side!  You’ve delayed and delayed
Until it's too late and you've been waylaid
By indecision— on the sidelines you'll stay!
But your shame will be displayed for all on parade!

You say you're clever? I don't give a darn!
In my book, your IQ's below Ashertmarn!
And he (it?) is just a pulsing black heart!
No brain to speak of, no smarts to impart!
So what does that say about you, I wonder?
Oh wait, no need— I know you're far under
The minimum threshold required for sentience!
I'm better by tenfold!  My inspired obedience
To Wyrn’s holy word makes me the greatest Derethi!
Your wits are dulled by sympathy for the Alethi!

Yomen...

Moving on to the lousy Scadrian showman—
Yes, I’m talking about you, Aradan Yomen!
You put on a show,
  Pretending nothing has changed!
The parties that you throw
  Simply show that you’re deranged!

You annexed Fadrex, a successful hijack—
A setback for Cett done behind Cett’s back.
But you couldn’t prevent the koloss attack
On the city you’d stolen, proving you’re just a hack!

Your supposed air of piety is a pathetic attempt!
All you’ll get is notoriety and true ascetics’ contempt!
Hraggath Ja, you make me sick! You fill me with revulsion!
I’m amazed the Steel Ministry didn’t long since order your expulsion!

You’re just a paper-pushing “priest of convenience”!
Of all men, you’re the least deserving of lenience! 

“Except for Elantrians!” Dilaf cries suddenly, breaking the rhythm of his diatribe. “They’re the WORST!!”  The chanting monks behind him falter, caught off-guard by this outburst.  With some effort, Dilaf collects himself and then continues as if nothing had happened, and the monks resume their chanting.

You’re just a politician, pretending to faith!
You have no true conviction! You’re like a mistwraith,
Never staying true to form unless you feel it’s safe!
You were talked out of your religion by a street waif!

You can burn atium, but my abilities stand alone!
Your power’s nothing to one from The Order of Bone!
You can see the future, so describe to me
All the ways that you will lose this fight to me!

The chanting monks behind Dilaf give one last crescendo before ending their dark chorus… 

…Only to hurriedly and clumsily begin again as Dilaf keeps going. It’s clear they thought Dilaf had finished.

Enough about that, let’s talk about Elantris instead!
Specifically, how I’ll soon kill them all dead!

A couple of the monks confer quietly with each other while the rest do their best to improvise a supporting chant for this unrehearsed rant of Dilaf’s.

I hate, I hate, I hate Elantris!
I hate them so much I’ll cremate Elantris!
I’ll burn it all down, immolate Elantris!
You had your time, now it’s too late, Elantris!

One of the monks eventually steps forward to whisper in Dilaf’s ear, trying to calm the frenzied gradget.  Dilaf barely appears to notice, spittle flying from his mouth with the force of his words.

I’ve earned the Wyrn’s trust,
Now I’ll burn Elantris to dust!

Demons, devils, svrakiss!
That’s what populates Elantris!

The monk takes Dilaf’s elbow and slowly but surely guides him off-stage, giving placating nods and quiet affirmations at Dilaf’s continued raging.

I’ll hear Seala’s screams until Elantris is gone,
so I’ll build a pyre to burn Elantris on!

They’ll taste the wrath of Jaddeth,
  Feel the flames of His holy fury!
Elantris’ sentence is death,
  And I’m executioner, judge and jury!

Elantris will die! Die, die, die!
Because I swear that I, I, I,
Will kill them all! Kill, kill, kill!
Because they make me ill, ill, ill!
And then I’ll...

Finally the monk manages to lead Dilaf off the platform and out of the hall.  The echoes of Dilaf’s rant gradually fade into the distance as the remaining monks at last finish their chant.  There’s a moment of awkward silence while the monks stand around, uncertain.  A few of them shrug as if to say, “What else did we expect? It’s Dilaf.”  Then they all sheepishly file off the platform.

[Showman]

7 hours ago, Zath said:

Moving on to the lousy Scadrian showman—

Dang, I wish I was Scadrian.

Great roast @Zath !

[Kidpen]

Whoops I forgot about this thing. 

Give me a couple hours I guess.

[Zath]

Hey, there's my rap!  Thank you to whichever moderator solved the tech issues I was having when I tried to post it last night. 

@I think I am here. Great roast!  I'm gonna need some burn salve after that...  

8 hours ago, Showman said:

Dang, I wish I was Scadrian.

Great roast @Zath !

Thanks! 

5 hours ago, Kidpen said:

Whoops I forgot about this thing. 

Give me a couple hours I guess.

You got this, Kidpen!

[Kidpen]

Spoiler

Hey, rappers, the winner has arrived.

Sorry I’m late, but I’m now here to thrive

I see my enemies have already finished

But it looks like you’ve just skirmished

That’ll change now that I’m here

The seer without peer!

 

Sja-Anat

You say you have unbound power

And yet you aren’t an augur

You mock my foresight

And yet all you are is a blight

The only thing you do is corrupt spren

And really you belong in a pen

You may call it “enlightenment”

But really it’s a simple debasement

They change into creatures of Odium

Even though you despise him!

That’s right, the only thing you can do

Is change the creatures that belong in a zoo

To minions for a god

Who you think is terribly flawed!

I think it’s become clear

You’re just on a lower tier.

 

Dilaf

You may call me estranged

But everyone knows you’re deranged

You claim to hate the Elantrians

Along with their creations-the Seons

But we all know the real reason

Is because they put your wife in a coffin

She got really sick

The clock started to tick

So you asked the enemy to heal her

But then, to your horror

They failed in their goal

But it wasn’t them who took her soul

That was her.

Alright, here it is. I apologize to Dilaf for getting too personal.

[Zath]

1 hour ago, Kidpen said:

 

Nicely done!  *grabs burn salve again*

[Herowannabe]

Hey everyone! Several things in this post:

First off, Sorry @ILuvHats, we can't wait for your roast any longer. As such, the voting is now officially open for Round 2: Match 2. Good luck to our contestants, @Silva (Frost), and @Toaster Retribution (Yokska)!

Secondly, all 3 submissions are in for Round 2: Match 3, so voting is open for this match as well! Good luck to our contestants, @Zath (Dilaf), @I think I am here. (Sja-Anat), and @Kidpen (Yomen)!

Click here to vote! 

(Note: Since we have 2 matches being voted on simultaneously, both of will be voted on in the same questionnaire. Click "Next" to get to the second page. Please don't click "Submit" until you have voted for each match.)

Lastly, let's go ahead and get the final match of Round 2 underway. Our next batch of rappers are:

@Paranoid King representing Hoid!

@Archer representing Gemmel!

@John203 representing Taan/Aanden!

You will have 4 days to submit your raps- or in other words, until the end of the day Thursday (5/2). If you need more time or if something comes up and you are unable to participate, please post and let us know. Good luck!

[Paranoid King]

TIL Hoid loves bacon. Huh.

Anyways, enjoy the roast!

Spoiler

Friends, I've had a premonition.

Allow me to judge the competition.

As two madmen without a care.

Compete to rule the middle of nowhere.

 

But let's start at the start, and I'll tell you a story.

The subjects are dull, but I'll try not to bore ye.

The sculptor who rules in a castle of slime.

And the outlander mistborn from land before time.

 

 

Taan, the man who abandoned his name,

Not out of fear, but perhaps out of shame.

Committed the greatest of sins - eating books.

(I'll give you a point - it's harder than it looks!)

 

When sent to a city that's brimming with culture,

This craftsman went crazy, becoming a vulture.

He gathered a gang to make himself look scary,

Then took up a lodging back in the library.

 

Now, surrounded with thousands of meaningful facts,

Taan's greatest friend was a worn-out old ax.

He said, "I'm a noble, not some lowly pauper!"

And took up a new name - of Baron the Chopper.

 

To fool those who knew him, (who he could not slash,)

He completed his guise with a droopy moustache.

And let's leave off there, I'll discuss this one later.

Next up is the mistborn, nobility hater.

 

 

Gemmel the crazy, Gemmel the loon.

A rather undisciplined flying buffoon.

Completely unhinged, this man's a real riot.

Reliably known for disturbing the quiet.

 

Perhaps he was spiked, for he's unloved by mist,

His first resort's dagger, his second is fist.

Take a brass pill, buddy, calm yourself down.

Gemmel the psycho and Kelsier the clown.

 

A dynamic duo, two masters of steal.

Neither one following noble ideal.

Keep a sharp eye when he reaches for vial.

For he may misinterpret your well-meaning smile.

 

Where did he come from, what is his plan?

Two questions rise from this cunning man.

A strange mystery, an intriguing old elf.

My apologies - for I refer to myself.

 

 

I've not been introduced. I'm a man that's well traveled.

I'll be there to help when the world comes unraveled.

Wit, Lunu'anaki, Cephandrius, Hoid,

I've many aliases often employed.

 

I mind my own business - I'd give you my card,

If I weren't on the run from the 17th shard.

Let me list off my talents, then back to the story.

You see, I would rather not steal all the glory.

 

Soar through the night

Control the light

Perfect tonality

Immortality

Know the need

Super speed

Smoke and fire

To inspire

Worldhop

Sand drop

Strong mind

Surgebind

Interstellar

Storyteller

All-around decent feller.

 

 

Taan's disguise was soon seen through,

As any man with eyes could do.

Caught unarmed, he broke the spell.

That was the day The Baron fell.

 

From then on, garbed in simple clothes,

From the rubble, Aanden rose.

And although skilled in wood and cotton,

Sculptor Aanden was forgotten.

 

Now, Gemmel's fate is speculation.

Perhaps on permanent vacation.

On ghostly ship, he holds the helm,

And sails across cognitive realm.

 

The moral of story is yours to decide,

To rage against rule or to give in to pride.

The two madmen that could not see,

A price comes with insanity.

 

 

[Herowannabe]

Nicely done as always @Paranoid King!

 @Archer and @John203 1 day left! Please let us know whether or not you’re going to make it 

[Zath]

That was fantastic, @Paranoid King.

On 4/30/2019 at 3:23 PM, Paranoid King said:

Take a brass pill, buddy, calm yourself down.

 

[Archer]

Bacon, you say? Hmmmm.

Two things, ParanoidKing. One, I love how Hoid took a break in the middle of his roast to list off his talents.  Two, the voice in that rap was spot on. You really got into character. Bravo!

I have the unenviable task of following that act. My roast is from the perspective of Gemmel, Kelsier’s mentor.

WARNING: Specific Elantris and The Eleventh Metal spoilers, as well as some general Hoid related ones (from SA etc.), to follow.

BONUS WARNING: Very minor fourth wall breaking nudging Mistborn Era Three reference to follow. Viewer discretion is advised (as you don’t want to inadvertently pick up my bad writing habits.)

And as usual, shout out to the tournament founder and current organizer/administrator people. Thanks for the time you put into this.

Now let’s get roasting!

Spoiler

 

Yo, it’s me Gemmel, tiny but fearsome.

A rouge who steels forks: totally awesome.

There’s no irony to my behaviour,

One can kill coppers while training a saviour.

I’m a smart ol’ mistborn, I zinc things through.

Yet I’m also strong: got brains but bron(ze) too.

‘gainst me, they pewter out, your odds of winning.

So, brass yourselves, a winner is coming.

 

I’ll take you first, Taan, you mustached menace,

Who duped a third of folks, per last census.

The world renowned shaper of limestone slabs

Who’s got chiselled sculptures, but less so abs.

An incensed judge and executioner,

You’re a power crazed entrepreneur.

But of us two, you ain’t the most insane.

See, it was ruined by Ruin, my brain.

Your maddest move was, trust me on this,

Becoming baron of barren Elantris.

Those other antics and public ravings

Were just hangry reactions to cravings.

Always a mere second best, even when

You were Aanden and abetting Raoden

You got the job of art historian,

Though that was probs all you could handle, friend.

The one time you acted like a warrior.

You got your head crushed by a boulder.

The rep you had is now gone like vapour.

You’re through gnat, go back to eating paper.  

 

Next up, Hoid, the thieving, lewd jester.

Sir Greedy Pants, wanting investiture.

The half-baked idea of some drunk writer

That became an unemployed hitchhiker.

Could’ve taken the musician job route

If you had not lost your favourite flute.

Instead, you’re like a pretend rambleman.

Wandering, squandering your long lifespan.

Your sand pictures may be cool for now, bloke.

But as tech progresses, they’ll go up in smoke.

In many ways, we are a lot alike.

We’re both mistborn and both have a few spikes.

And we're both are fans of bacon and pork.

But I’m the only one who has a pet fork.

One final dig, you ain’t even witty.

Your jokes are all like, “Want to hear a ditty?

I have nine kandra friends, oh what a boon!

But what luck, I’m going to have Ten Soon!”

How is that funny? Why’d you think that swell?

Either way, joke’s on you, you’ve just been roasted by…

GEMMEL!

 

 

[Zath]

@Archer Oh, the puns, the puns.    That was excellent.

[Ishar]

They are nearly on the same level as @Ashspren's. Nearly...

[Paranoid King]

3 hours ago, Archer said:

 

Spoiler

Your sand pictures may be cool for now, bloke.

But as tech progresses, they’ll go up in smoke.

 

 

I see what you did there 

3 hours ago, Archer said:

 

  Hide contents

One final dig, you ain’t even witty.

Your jokes are all like, “Want to hear a ditty?

I have nine kandra friends, oh what a boon!

But what luck, I’m going to have Ten Soon!”

 

Haha, that's so terrible! I love it!

 

[Ashspren]

14 hours ago, Ishar said:

They are nearly on the same level as @Ashspren's. Nearly...

Wow, thanks Ish. 

Edited May 2, 2019 by Ashspren