Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Herowannabe]

Where are my opponents? @hoiditthroughthegrapevine @Felt

I wasn't able to make the deadline- I only got about halfway through my rap before I had to get back to work, but I'm working on it now and should have it posted in a couple hours tops. 

 

EDIT:

Okay, here's my rap. I'm pretty proud of this one, it's one of my better roasts.  Enjoy! 

Spoiler

The results just came in from my intelligence tests

Once again proving that my intellect’s best

So let’s get down to it and start this contest

But seriously, “Contest?” Ha! That’s just a jest

These inept fools will be most hard-pressed

To match wits with the wit with which I have been blessed

(Say that ten times fast and I might be impressed

But best not to try lest you end up distressed)

Now before we begin I have one request

It is by “Your Majesty” that I should be addressed

Or “Mr. T” if you must- though now I’ve digressed

Enough of that now let’s start this slugfest

 

First let me deal with you, my “friend” Galladon

I regret to inform that your entry’s invalid, son

You’ve been disqualified for moping a lot

Go back to Elantris, yeah it’s better you rot

 

But seriously, you’re way out of your league, Sule

I’ve got not just one, but two countries I rule

I created the Diagram in one frantic day

And got Szeth to serve me in his pedantic way

 

I’ve tricked all of Roshar into thinking I’m dense

While killing their kings and orchestrating events

And what were you doing while I colluded with Odium?

That’s right, just lounging around and *dispensing sodium

 

You say that you’re dead ‘cause your heart doesn’t beat

But I wish that instead your mouth wouldn’t bleat

Seriously man it’s become quite the chore

Listening to you blame it all on the Dor

 

And I’ve got to say that it’s you that’s kayana

If you think that you’re special ‘cause you’ve undergone a

Magical change to your body- that’s not newsworthy

I hate to break it to you boy- that’s just puberty

 

Wait-

What’s this horrid musk that assaults now my nose?

Ah, it’s Sixth of the Dusk and the Almighty knows

If there’s anyone here who needs to be ‘storm-drenched

It’s this un-showered plebe and his crem-awful stench

 

To be honest I’m unsure why you’re even here

‘You think your dinky island is something to fear?

What have you got there, big scary Nightmaws?

Here we’ve got Chasmfiends with 12-foot wide jaws

 

And it’s hard to be awed by some lame Patji’s Fingers

When confronting a god and ten thousand Voidbringers.

Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon?

Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian!

 

Deepwalkers? Big? Hmph, you’re making me smile

Remind me to tell you about the Reshi Isles

And oh aren’t you proud of your magical chickens?

I had one of those once- Yumm! Them’s good pickin’s!

 

Now don’t worry about your fellow agrarian trappers

‘Cause you’ve just been slain by a septuagenarian rapper!

 

 

*(Because Galladon’s always salty, get it? Get it???)

 

 

Edited March 27, 2019 by Herowannabe

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Taking a break a from my long hiatus from the Shard to say, well done @Herowannabe, well done.

17 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon?

Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian!

Brilliant!

I also have to say that I wasn't too excited about this round because Sixth of the Dusk and Galladon are two of my least favorite characters in the Cosmere, but such is life.

Everytime I hear Sixth of the Dusk's name, I think of the song "Henry the Eighth I am, I am" so I humbly present for your mild amusement (or more likely your extreme stupefaction) Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am:

Spoiler

I'm Sixth of the Dusk I am,
Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am
When I was born my pappy did snore
Cuz he had kids 5 time before
and everyone was a number
Wouldn't have a symbol or a vowel (no vowel)
I'm his sixth son born at Dusk
Sixth of the Dusk I am

(2nd verse, worse than the first)
A boorish grumpy blow hard
Galladon the grump you are, you are
You were a farmer who studied the Dor
And told Raoden what Aons were for
But all your Aons fizzled
They didn't have a squiggly little chasm line (no line)
As a scholar you're a failure
Galladon the bore you are

(3rd verse, by far the worst)
The imbecilic genius
King of Kharbranth you are, you are
Your genius plan for the coming war
Is kill every single Rosharan before
The Void-bringers can get 'em
Can't have a murder not by your hand (your hand)
Now your subjects all are grinnin'
King of the skulls you are, you are

(4th verse, kept it terse)
I'm Sixth of the Dusk I am
Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am
I got bonded to a bird named Sak
And he predicted all o' your attacks
And judging by the corpses
I know who the roasted twerp is (twerp is)
The Rosharan and the Selish
Roasted twerps you are

 

[Herowannabe]

1 hour ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Taking a break a from my long hiatus from the Shard to say, well done @Herowannabe, well done.

18 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon?

Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian!

Brilliant!

 

Thank you, and right back at you! I sung your roast in my head the whole time (and now, no thanks to you, I’m going to have Henry the 8th stuck in my head for the next 2 weeks) 

[Zath]

22 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

To match wits with the wit with which I have been blessed

(Say that ten times fast and I might be impressed

But best not to try lest you end up distressed)

To match wits with the which wit-

To match with wits the which with-

To mat which with the wits which-

  No, I'm not distressed at all.  Not at all.  Just give me a minute.  *turns away, mutters to self*  To match with wits the wit's witch... 

Excellent roast, @Herowannabe!  The aforementioned death ants - Aimians comparison, salty Galladon, septuagenarian rapper... That was a well-crafted rap, right there. 

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine, nice parody of that Henry the Eighth I am song!  What better way to roast your opponents than with an earworm, so they suffer your insults for weeks afterwards?    Imagining the "(2nd verse, worse than the first)" and such in the original song's cheerful, up-beat tone makes me laugh. 

[Herowannabe]

5 hours ago, Zath said:

To match wits with the which wit-

To match with wits the which with-

To mat which with the wits which-

  No, I'm not distressed at all.  Not at all.  Just give me a minute.  *turns away, mutters to self*  To match with wits the wit's witch... 

Yessss.... mission accomplished.

5 hours ago, Zath said:

Excellent roast, @Herowannabe!  The aforementioned death ants - Aimians comparison, salty Galladon, septuagenarian rapper... That was a well-crafted rap, right there. 

Thank you!

[Fezzik]

While we wait on felt, we decided to go ahead with the next round! Introducing: @Silva as  Frost, @Toaster Retribution as Yokska, and @ILuvHats as Kelsier!

[Silva]

Well, definitely not my best work, but it's either this or nothing. Love how scheduling falls out 

Enjoy...or don't.

Spoiler

In the histories that will be told,

From the martyrs to the footnotes,

I’ll most definitely be described as old,

And not someone someone dotes.

 

Doesn’t mean I’m a bad fellow.

Kelsier and his deception,

Make even my purple look yellow.

People just seem to have a misconception.

 

He’s not a hero.

His death creates a score of

The Lord Ruler one, Kelsier zero.

Not a person deserving love.

 

Remember that prejudice,

Against all with noble blood?

It led many to a precipice

Falling down into a flood.

 

Causing more problems than he solved.

How many deaths were his fault?

From Clubs’ he cannot be absolved,

Nor Vin’s by default.

 

He has no respect for his betters.

Fuzz? What kind of name is that for a Shard?

He’d ridicule anything, even my letters,

To him everything is simply useless lard.

 

And that’s just with others.

His own relation with his family

He and Marsh’s relation as brother,

Was never quite navigated agily.

 

The man doesn’t know when to die.

Hemalurgy doesn’t make you tough,

But he sticks a spike through his eye.

Getting decapitated must not have been enough.

 

Don’t think you’re off the hook,

Yokska the seamstress,

Barely making it into any book,

Helping Adolin out of one mess.

 

Yokska my dear,

You’re looking a little plump,

But keep housing fugitives and have no fear,

Your body will end up in a dump.

 

I know that sounds harsh,

Except it’s the truth,

You could live in a marsh

And no one would notice forsooth.

 

It’s just a byproduct of being

A side character who’s there

Just no one bothers seeing

Due to your long eyebrow hair.

 

Don’t get me wrong,

Being Thaylen doesn’t prevent style,

It just can come over a little strong,

Especially when around you for a while.

 

History books won’t mention you,

You’re an extremely minor player,

Aren’t even around long too,

Just another plot development layer.

 

You design clothing,

You deal with the upper class,

And ignore their loathing,

That probably comes en masse.

 

Why Sanderson even included

A seamstress in Oathbringer

Is something on which I’ve brooded,

And the answer I came up with is a zinger.

 

He wanted someone who when compared

Would make even our good friend Kelly here

Not look too bad if polls were shared.

You’re just on a very low tier.

 

Frost here running out of time,

Hope nothing I said accidentally made you feel pleased,

I was hoping for pile of slime,

That was about to be permanently freezed.

 

While my metaphors may be subpar,

Maybe just above David’s level,

Compared to you two I’m not bizarre

So long, I’m off to revel.

 

Edited March 29, 2019 by Silva
Unbolding

[Toaster Retribution]

Wait what? What happened? Am I in this one again? Who is in charge? Why am I Yokska? How do you pronounce Yokska? When is my deadline? Where is WalDo? 

So many questions...

[Herowannabe]

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Wait what? What happened?

Cosmere Rap Roast Battles is up and running again. 

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Am I in this one again?

Yes. 

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Who is in charge?

@John203 and I have taken over for Ashspren, who has RL commitments she is dealing with. 

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Why am I Yokska?

The twist for this round is that everyone is temporarily switching characters at random with their opponents. The random generator chose Yokska for you. 

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

How do you pronounce Yokska?

I pronounce it “Yoke-ska”

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

When is my deadline?

By my count you have about 26 1/2 hours left. If you need more time though we will be lenient. 

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Where is WalDo? 

Spoiler

 

[Toaster Retribution]

4 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Cosmere Rap Roast Battles is up and running again. 

Yes. 

@John203 and I have taken over for Ashspren, who has RL commitments she is dealing with. 

The twist for this round is that everyone is temporarily switching characters at random with their opponents. The random generator chose Yokska for you. 

I pronounce it “Yoke-ska”

By my count you have about 26 1/2 hours left. If you need more time though we will be lenient. 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Wonderful. I might need more time so prepare your leniency. 

[Herowannabe]

@ILuvHats: Reminder that tomorrow is the deadline for your Roast! If you need more time or if you can't do it or if you no longer want to participate, please let us know.  

[+ILuvHats]

@Herowannabe I'll have it in tomorrow night, but it might be pretty late. I'm actually pretty lucky I checked the shard today and saw I'm participating in this round since I've been on a bit of a hiatus.

[Herowannabe]

@Toaster Retribution @ILuvHats How’s it coming? What about you, @Felt?

[Toaster Retribution]

@Herowannabe I can do it if you need to (I’m halfway done writing) but if there is someone who would love to do it they can step in for me, cause my rap will be both short and bad. If not, I am happy to post my own.

I also apologize for not being responsive here. It is lent in the Catholic Church, and I am a member there, and thus have chosen to abstain from using internet on my free time, which leads to a minimal amount of Sharding for a while. I can make an exception for the Raps though, if needed :-)

[Herowannabe]

6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

@Herowannabe I can do it if you need to (I’m halfway done writing) but if there is someone who would love to do it they can step in for me, cause my rap will be both short and bad. If not, I am happy to post my own.

I also apologize for not being responsive here. It is lent in the Catholic Church, and I am a member there, and thus have chosen to abstain from using internet on my free time, which leads to a minimal amount of Sharding for a while. I can make an exception for the Raps though, if needed :-)

If you need to step down we understand, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d rather see what you came up with, even if it is “short and bad.”

That said, I also have great respect for religious devotion, so take all the time you need. If we need to we’ll just put the voting on hold (like we did for the first match) and get started with the next round. Just let us know please so we can plan accordingly.  

[Toaster Retribution]

4 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

If you need to step down we understand, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d rather see what you came up with, even if it is “short and bad.”

That said, I also have great respect for religious devotion, so take all the time you need. If we need to we’ll just put the voting on hold (like we did for the first match) and get started with the next round. Just let us know please so we can plan accordingly.  

I’ll have it up tomorrow then :-D If not earlier. 

[Herowannabe]

1 hour ago, Toaster Retribution said:

I’ll have it up tomorrow then :-D If not earlier. 

Awesome.

 

@ILuvHats how about you?

[Toaster Retribution]

Here you go:

Spoiler

I am Yokska, and I am a tailor
I’ll roast you guys like the sea roasts a sailor
So dont think that this will be easy or fun
This will burn you like the Rosharan sun

First up, Kelsier, a thief turned hero
Only, everyone else did the actual work
Your plans were bad and that is true
Had not Vin been there, TLR would have won quicker than you can say ”flu”

Hello there Frost!
Please do get lost
You are a relic of old days
And that can be seen in your old ways
You cant catch Hoid
And your minions are as useful as a void

I could stay here all day
But I have better things to do today
But roasting you is so easy that I am done spending time on you guys
I will go do something useful instead, like trimming my eyebrows, or having a toast
For my epic roast

Good luck everyone!

[Fezzik]

Alright, thank you to everyone who participated in our first battle! Voting will be live for 48 hours! https://forms.gle/jDmuyckyFnTeXbrw7

[Fezzik]

Our winner is @Herowannabe! See you in the semi-finals!

[+Ark1002]

Oh, wow, completely forgot about this

[Zath]

Well, Ark, you weren't the only one who forgot, apparently.  And unfortunately.  Ah well.  It happens.

Nice roasts, @Silva and @Toaster Retribution!

Silva, I especially liked the parts that broke the fourth wall.  Serious burns on those ones. 

 

(Psst.  @ILuvHats.  Roast...?  Maybe?  If you want to?)

[Paranoid King]

Given that two weeks have passed since the deadline, and I'm in a roasting mood, I present:

Die, Nobles!

Ghostwritten by Kelsier

(Because he's dead)

Spoiler

There are despots and dictators
Political manipulators
There are blue bloods with intellects of fleas
There are kings and petty tyrants
Who are so lacking in refinements
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees!

He was born under this rule
and used his hatred as a fuel
to end a thousand years of aristocracy
Starting under a slave driver
Ended up as the Survivor
The quintessence of perfection that is he!

 

Spoiler

Okay, this is the real me:

Not this:

This!

 Not this:

Winner!

Loser!

Okay, see this city?

Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out:

Butler!

Chef!

Theme song guy!

Oh yeah!

 

Lord Ruler wasing the despot

Kelsier and him then fought

Singlehandedly destroyed inquisitee

Having famous sidekick Vin

Never lost determined grin

And the ruler of the empire lost to...

ME!

 

What's his name?

 

Kelsier.....

 

Kelsier.....

 

Kelsier....

 

Kelsieeer....

 

Edited April 18, 2019 by Paranoid King

[Zath]

8 hours ago, Paranoid King said:

Given that two weeks have passed since the deadline, and I'm in a roasting mood, I present:

Die, Nobles!

Ghostwritten by Kelsier

(Because he's dead)

  Hide contents

There are despots and dictators
Political manipulators
There are blue bloods with intellects of fleas
There are kings and petty tyrants
Who are so lacking in refinements
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees!

He was born under the rule
and used his hatred as the fuel
to end a thousand years of aristocracy
Starting under a slave driver
Ended up as the Survivor
The quintessence of perfection that is he!

 

  Hide contents

Okay, this is the real me:

Not this:

This!

 Not this:

Winner!

Loser!

Okay, see this city?

Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out:

Butler!

Chef!

Theme song guy!

Oh yeah!

 

Lord Ruler wasing the despot

Kelsier and him then fought

Singlehandedly destroyed inquisitee

Having famous sidekick Vin

Never lost determined grin

And the ruler of the empire lost to...

ME!

 

What's his name?

 

Kelsier.....

 

Kelsier.....

 

Kelsier....

 

Kelsieeer....

 

That... was beautiful.    The monologue part (or aside, or whatever you want to call it) in the middle especially got me.  So perfect.

[Paranoid King]

Thanks, Zath! Full disclosure, though, like half of the lyrics are pulled directly from the original song. I'm still hoping @ILuvHats shows up with the real roast.

But if not - @John203, @Herowannabe, when can we start the next round?