Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Archer]

I considered writing a traditional breakup song to suit the theme, but ultimately decided to put an Eminem-style spin on my roast. So, my submission from the viewpoint of Taan (the crazy gang leader from Elantris) is mostly him rapping, but he ‘featured’ another song as the chorus to make it more about ending relationships. As always, thanks for organizing this, Ashspren. Readers, please be advised that there may be Elantris, Sixth of the Dusk, and Mistborn Era One spoilers to follow.

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together if you're ready to hear some more …

(The roast is in this spoiler tag below. Yes, that one there. Go ahead, open it!)

Spoiler

 

Taan, wearing a robe and a bow-tie, climbs on stage. He grabs the microphone from its stand and begins to free-style.

Shout-out to the emcee, thank you very much.

But my stomach’s empty. Where’s the free lunch?

I can’t rap hungry, I need food to munch.

While I find some eats, to kill time WOULD THE GUY IN THE BOOTH PLAY MY MIX-TAPE, PLEASE?

After an uncomfortably long silence, the man running the sound booth complies. Taan walks off-stage as one of his songs, ‘I’m Breaking Up with the Idea of You ft. Arguois Fido’, begins to play.

 

Don't want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

I’m tired of this pace.

Welcome to the ending.

Don’t want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

The last stretch of the race.

Welcome to the endgame.

There’s a Patji cliché, who’s not chatty, but hey,

His luddite draw is so bold, it beats nightmaws, I’m told.

Dusk, you’re unoriginal. A guy from the jungle?

Let me guess, lots of skill, falls for guests, likes to kill?

Heard that story before. It’s just glory-grab lore.

I eat books, it is true. But I can’t stomach you!

Let me tell my bio. How I fell, but rose though.

Listen now to my facts. I’ll show how leaders act.

The Shaod curse did its worst. Made me hearse-bound at first.

Each day maimed with fresh pain. Four years claimed. ‘Twas insane.

But I fought, tooth and nail, and I thought in my jail.

Curated a persona. Heralded my idea.

All my mad diatribes united dying tribes.

I founded a faction. Astounded? My actions:

Unheard of. My fortress? A third of Elantris.

Sel’s book club became a social hub that’s famous.

Folks say, gee, I’m awesome. Remind me what you’ve done.

Once, for love, you delayed Ones Above your paygrade.

But that’s it, I’m afraid. So let’s split, like dusk, fade.

Your bird’s more liked than you. That should be a-parrot.

Here’s a chorus to view. Even it’s got more merit.

It’s time this was over.

There’s no music left.

No good notes whatsoever.

You’re just a trouble clef.

Don’t want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

Your artificial grace,

Is just more of the same.

Next one who’s up, Sarene, I’ll burn you, dearest Queen.

I’d roast this seon, lass, but he’s already Ashe.

Only an activist ‘cause Dad’s a nepotist.

Only a monarch since you wed the foreign prince.

Your birthright set you up. Made you quite fruitful, yup.

I used to think you cool. But your crew and your school

Are the reasons you’re here, eating raisins, sipping beer.

Your go-to plan, marriage, gets you through life’s barrage.

But I’m disillusioned, Miss. Like a dissed svrakiss.

Your best trait is how you manipulate, it’s so true.

That means you’re just a crook, another thief of books.

And you know what happens when you mess with my tomes.

Come, my guards! To the walls! By the shards, SLAY THEM ALL!

My heroes are falling,

Right out of the sky.

My gods are the fallen,

Not lords in disguise.

Don’t want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

You’re all part of a race.

That only seeks fame.

I have friends! We’re magic so, hands off, fiends, or die-o.

My ally Yomen, he knows some mean alloman’.  

He could, um, do not scoff!, atium your face off.

Begone, shoo, lest we war. I’ll show you to the Dor.

Don’t want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

This ain’t the time or place,

To reignite our flame.

I’ve seen into your pith.

I’ve had an inner coup.

I’m breaking up here with,

The idea of you.

Don’t want to see your face.

Don’t want to hear your name.

The last stretch of the race.

Welcome to the endgame.

 

Taan, conspicuously annoyed, returns to the stage as the song ends. He briefly leans forward and mumbles into the microphone.

There’s no food. Might as well go home, dudes. It’s been swell.

Goodnight everybody.

Taan retreats back the way he came, headed in the direction of the local library.

 

 

Edited January 25, 2019 by Archer
Added directions to my roast.

[Zephrun’s Imperium]

That was amazing.

[Herowannabe]

Very nice @Archer! Also, this would totally count as a 4th pun:

18 hours ago, Archer said:

You’re just a trouble clef.

 

[Archer]

Thank y'all. I'm glad you liked it.

39 minutes ago, Herowannabe said:

Also, this would totally count as a 4th pun: You’re just a trouble clef.

Only if you know your music. 

[Felt]

I'm on it, but i'll need 24 more hours please.... Monday morning it's going to rapt up  

[I think I am here.]

So, this was fun! And thus begins me trying to get Yomen to sing a breakup Roast song (with puns!)  Same disclaimer as Archer’s.

Introducing, the one of a kind, limited edition debut of the one, the only, ARADAN YOMEN!

Spoiler

Yomen appears with a fedora and jeans. He sits on a chair onstage, adjusts his mike, and then begins strumming on his guitar. “This is to you, Sarene and Dusk! Honorary mention to Taan!”

If I could foresee,
That we’d separate.
I wouldn’t believe,
I’d probably deflate.

But now that we’ve gone our own rusting ways,
It’s time to reflect on my romantic phase.
‘Cause now that I’ve pushed you out of my gaze,
I can see you were never really worth the praise.
And now I am free from this illusory haze,
I can see why I left you, in the first place.
Oh, don’t look so surprised, this was coming for days!
The reason I left you was ‘cause of your face!

The tempo of the song increases, and it begins to turn into a rap.

Cause I’m Yomen!

Rapping like a homin’ 
Missile.
I’m roamin’,
To find one who raps as well as I.

I’m the last Obligator,
Lord Ruler’s Propagator,
We don’t need a moderator,
Cause I’m rapping like a dominator.

The tempo slows again, and gets more personal.

Oh, you must be jokin’, now I gotta roast Dusk?
We’ve already broken up, so I’ll be extra brusque.
You say you’re soft spoken, but I say you’re just lusk.
The saddest thing’s your token’s probably a dead animals tusk.

But you know what’s real tragic?
Your complete lack of magic!
Haven’t you heard?
There’s things better than birds!

Precognition? Hah! I’ve got a better rendition.

Your bird can tell the future,
I can do that too! Just learn.
If you make me make a roast,
Then I’ll predict how much you’ll burn.

Ah, so your bird, it can show you how you die?
Does it show you how you’ll flame, from the roasts that are mine?

You think you know danger? You don’t know a thing.
You’ve been playing with words like a cat plays with string.
You’re greatest fear’s some birds, and a corporate boss.
Meanwhile I was fighting herds of enraged Koloss!

Your island’s biggest threat is it’s touring visitors.
I had to deal with crazy inquisitors!

So when it comes to danger, admit it, you’re a fraud.
You weren’t chased down by some trigger-happy, insane destructo-god!
And while I’m hailed a hero, you’re still a sad sod.
No wonder we broke up, I finally woke up!
Now time to put Sarene in my rapping fire squad.

The tempo gets more intense.

Sarene, you know what I mean.
We used to be a couple together,
Though your loyalty was as strong as a feather.
So you ran to that prince, in hopes for a kiss,
But even he ran away, far to Elantris.

You seem happy,
You seem coddled.
Need a nappy?
Didn’t think you were a toddler.

You tried facing that monk, Hrathen.
Taking a break from all your fashion.
But it appeared you were wrong,
But he was good all along,
All your efforts were all for nathin’.

There’s nothing about you to laud,
Your face looks clawed.
But I’d have to applaud the way your so flawed,
The only upgrade for you’s the Shaod.

I would say more,
About how your such a chore,
But my bud Taan said the rest,
About how liking you is a test.

He’s an awesome sculptor,
Incorporating all cultures,
And in Elantris he was a cook!*
Revolutionised eating books!

So if you mess with him, you mess with me.
And unless you’re dim, you can’t disagree.

Yomen prepares his secret weapon: puns.

Yo, men!
Let’s repeat it for our friends:

Dusk, no one’s got your back.
You play with birds, and your story does Sak.

Sarene, there’s no room for you in this song.
It’s incredible how your lists of flaws Are long

Taan,
You’re the Maan.

Cause I’m Yomen!
Rapping like a homin’
Missile.
I’m roamin’
To find one who raps as well as I.

I’m the last Obligator,
Lord Ruler’s Propagator,
We don’t need a moderator,
Cause I’m rapping like a dominator.

The tempo goes low again, for the last time.

So, if I knew that we,
Would break up.
I would say “Yipee!”
Now there’s no chance of a make up.

Yomen finishes his guitar. His eyes are watering from the raw emotion. “Thank you all!” He says, getting up to leave. He tips his fedora, and throws it to the crowd. “Have a great night!”

^^Click the box above if you’re ready for the amazing, the awesome, the...

Edited January 27, 2019 by I think I am here.
Edited Graphic in.

[Herowannabe]

Nice roast @I think I am here.! Bravo!

 

Quick Question: who made the Cosmere Roast Battle banner? 

39 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Click the box above if you’re ready for the amazing, the awesome, the...

I would like permission to steal it for my signature.  

[Archer]

1 hour ago, Herowannabe said:

Nice roast @I think I am here.

Quick Question: who made the Cosmere Roast Battle banner? 

I would like permission to steal it for my signature.  

*raises hand* That'd be me. Anyone who wants to is welcome to use it however they like, so long as you don't tell those guys with the YouTube channel about it. I doubt they'd go to the trouble of suing over a parody, but you never know. 

Edited January 27, 2019 by Archer

[Ashspren]

11 hours ago, Felt said:

I'm on it, but i'll need 24 more hours please.... Monday morning it's going to rapt up  

Nice pun, and go ahead. 

Awesome roasts, everyone! 

[I think I am here.]

My reputation level fits perfectly with Yomen  

[Felt]

By far my worst rap, I'm bad at puns and I don't even know if I got the concept right. Just thought to give it a nice twist, making Yomen and Taan's girls break up with them and come home with Dusk.
The silent man always has more in store.....
Anyway without further ado, here's Sixth of the Dusk, ladies man....

Spoiler

Dusk turns to the ladies accompanying his opponents....

Hello hello,
hello how you doin’
You wanna come with me?
Or follow the path of Ruin?
Or maybe the Heod,
is what wiggles your senses
Let me tell you something
as this roast commences

You ladies need to break up,
with these stupid fools
In comparison to me,
they are all just tools
Where they come from,
they don’t have this type of schools
Never fought the father?
With survival never had to bother
They would fall in a moment,
anywhere on the Pantheon
Let alone step a foot on Patji,
the Megalomeon

Now let me tell you something
about yer man Taan
He’s not very much fun,
and just like his raps
he’s gonna be….. undaan
He couldn’t satisfy you
about women, has no clue
He’s a sculptor at hart
In love no more than a fart
Come with me
I’ll make you see
Patji’s beauty, his lesson
Magnificent aggression
I’ll share it with you
And show you what is true

Now on to this loser
named Aradan,Yo man,
Your parents give you that name?
For your whole lifespan?
Couldn't they come up with something better?
My advice to you..... forget her

Now on to my girl Sarene
she’d split your head open
if you know what I mean
She would leave that kid Raoden
and come home to Daddy
I mean Patji the father, savvy?

Do you girls want a real man,
a survivor?
No Rulers boy,
no lame adviser
A real live trapper,
amazing rapper
Not a kidnapper,
not a backslapper
Without a didapper,
but a real live Aviar
with good behavior
with awesome raps in his repertoire
Smoke a big cigar,
Taking you off their radar,
Have a bigger stick them (by far)

With these boys you need to Rap up
and quickly do a breakup
They are no VIP…
You girls comes home with me
I like em with curls,
Oops, got all your girls
Do you doubt it?
Nothing you can do about it.

Dusk leaves with his opponents girls....

btw, @I think I am here. awesome roast man, Big up!!!!

[I think I am here.]

Yomen foresaw his girl leaving him and weeped in preparation.

Great rap! I liked that Raoden rhyme.

30 minutes ago, Felt said:

btw, @I think I am here. awesome roast man, Big up!!!!

Thanks,  

[Ashspren]

@AonEne, waiting on you. I’ll post the link for the voting soon, but I’ll give you some time before then.

[Paranoid King]

On 1/27/2019 at 7:51 PM, I think I am here. said:

My reputation level fits perfectly with Yomen  

And now I'm faced with a dilemma - Upvote, or wait and hope you stay a seer until the finals....

[I think I am here.]

On 29/01/2019 at 1:04 PM, Paranoid King said:

And now I'm faced with a dilemma - Upvote, or wait and hope you stay a seer until the finals....

Tough choice. I can take about 7 more reputation points before I stop being a Seer, so there's still wiggle room  

Edit: I can only take 2 now :0 

Edit: Arg, people keep giving me reputation. I am no longer a Seer. Thank guys.

Edited January 31, 2019 by I think I am here.

[AonEne]

On 1/23/2019 at 11:59 AM, Archer said:

Compared to writing in Shakespearean English, I initially that this would be an easy round to compete in. Then I saw who else is in this one. At risk of over-hyping this, let me say that this is going to be an intense pun-off. Good luck, Ene and Felt! 

 

On 1/23/2019 at 0:37 PM, Kidpen said:

Why are we bothering to actually do the battle, exactly?

 

On 1/23/2019 at 3:58 PM, Paranoid King said:

Because if all goes well, someone will end up literally punned to death.

I thank you all for the compliments, and I think your roasts were amazing, but I won't be able to participate this round. Or probably any round. Real life is an evil, evil thing, and it's preventing me from time-related activities right now. I apologize deeply.

[Paranoid King]

On 1/30/2019 at 7:19 PM, AonEne said:

I thank you all for the compliments, and I think your roasts were amazing, but I won't be able to participate this round. Or probably any round. Real life is an evil, evil thing, and it's preventing me from time-related activities right now. I apologize deeply.

Well, that's disappointing, but understandable. Real life is more important. Best of luck to you!

@Ashspren, do we have any pinch hitters this round? If not, as I understand it, everyone's moving on to the next round. I'd still be interested in hearing some returned names, though... 

[Ashspren]

46 minutes ago, Paranoid King said:

Well, that's disappointing, but understandable. Real life is more important. Best of luck to you!

@Ashspren, do we have any pinch hitters this round? If not, as I understand it, everyone's moving on to the next round. I'd still be interested in hearing some returned names, though... 

I don’t have any pinch hitters this time.  

Yes, everyone will be moving on, just for the sake of keeping everything uniform. I’ll post the participants tomorrow. I hope. You know what, I’m tying myself to that... TOMORROW, GUYS, IT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW. 

Hm... how about making Returned names the qualifier for the next round? They don’t even have to be that great, but just go ahead and post something. @I think I am here. @Felt @Archer

Edited February 1, 2019 by Ashspren

[Archer]

@I think I am here. We won! Kind of! (But Ashspren is very intentionally ignoring you. It's probably a sign that he hated your roast and wants to boil your puns in acid.)

Taan's Returned name will be Tome Raider. It's funny because books. 

[I think I am here.]

Yay, we sort of won! As for boiling my puns in acid, I have to say they’d taste better fried.

Yomen’s Returned name will be based on his best quality, as demonstrated in HoA.

Spoiler

Sideswitcher the Loyal.

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by I think I am here.

[Ashspren]

4 minutes ago, Archer said:

@I think I am here. We won! Kind of! (But Ashspren is very intentionally ignoring you. It's probably a sign that he hated your roast and wants to boil your puns in acid.)

Taan's Returned name will be Tome Raider. It's funny because books. 

Sorry! Accidentally tagged the wrong person, but it’s all fixed now. Also, she didn’t hate your roast, actually.  

[Archer]

4 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Sorry! Accidentally tagged the wrong person, but it’s all fixed now. Also, she didn’t hate your roast, actually.  

Hold up. Why am I just finding this out now? Also, I am slightly less impressed by your ability to write princess POV scenes. (But your extensive research into dress neckline cuts seems significantly less creepy now, so that's that.)

Spoiler

I'm sorry... ma'am. Ack! That's weird to say. 

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by Archer

[I think I am here.]

7 minutes ago, Archer said:

Spoiler

I'm sorry... ma'am. Ack! That's weird to say. 

 

Not as weird as the classic...

Spoiler

M’lady. Tips fedora.

 

[Ashspren]

8 hours ago, Archer said:

Hold up. Why am I just finding this out now? Also, I am slightly less impressed by your ability to write princess POV scenes. (But your extensive research into dress neckline cuts seems significantly less creepy now, so that's that.)

  Hide contents

I'm sorry... ma'am. Ack! That's weird to say. 

 

I just died laughing. But yes, the neckline research was rather extensive... it involved internet research, asking friends for help (“Oh my gosh, Ash, do you know nothing?” / “Nope.”), and desperately hoping that the dresses I picked were okay. 

8 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

Not as weird as the classic...

  Hide contents

M’lady. Tips fedora.

 

The fedora made this 20x better.

[I think I am here.]

19 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

The fedora made this 20x better.

Doesn’t it make anything?