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Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles


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On Wednesday, January 09, 2019 at 1:02 PM, Toaster Retribution said:

Thy dastardly crook, stealing my beloveth and very oryginal folio. 

You got an upvote too, you sly... grapevine?

(Said grapevine twirls his mustachios and laughs superciliously)

Forsoothe, I prayest that this doth not portend
That in this forum, with a Toaster's voice
Thou shalt cry "Havoc" and let slip the toast of war;
That this foul deed involving thine oryginal folio
Shouldst cause thee with carrion men, to bury yon dastardly scheming grapevine.
 

Edited by hoiditthroughthegrapevine
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23 hours ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Forsoothe, I prayest that this doth not portend
That in this forum, with a Toaster's voice
Thou shalt cry "Havoc" and let slip the toast of war;
That this foul dead involving thine oryginal folio
Shouldst cause thee with carrion men, to bury yon dastardly scheming grapevine.

I maketh thou a scared promise

Not to let out the cry ”Havoc” and let put the toast of war in the toaster

As long as thou put my oryginal folio back behindeth the tree

Edited by Toaster Retribution
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1 hour ago, Toaster Retribution said:

I maketh thou a scared promise

Not to let out the cry ”Havoc” and let put the toast of war in the toaster

As long as thou put my oryginal folio back behindeth the tree

To tree, or not to tree, that is the question
Whether 'tis nobler of the grapevine
To suffer the toast and bagels of Retributive Toasters
Than to bury this precious folio backst 'neath yon yew tree.

etc, etc. Ok, I buried it.

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I laughed so hard at this. :D@Toaster Retribution and @hoiditthroughthegrapevine

When I read something written like that I always imagine it said in a very nasal, thin voice and rather arrogantly.

 

and @Sorana I can easily imagine that. I think trying to write shakespearian (is that a word?) would be well beyond my abilities.

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4 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Quick update on me: my week has been busy, crazy, and exhausting. Its 11:52pm local time, and I need to get in the shower. Then tomorrow I need to get up early and go to an event I’m hosting which will last all day and into the evening. I haven’t had a chance to start my rap yet- I haven’t even read my partner @Paranoid King‘s rap yet. If I’m allowed a short extension I’ll do everything within my power to get something written tomorrow night after my all-day event is done. Otherwise I’m afraid I’ll have to forfeit this round. 

 

Either way, I apologize everyone! :(

Edited by Herowannabe
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Sorry I didn't do much of that whole theatre setting thing 

Spoiler

Curtains open to reveal Sebarial lounging on a couch sipping some wine.

To scheme or not to scheme, that is the question,

I am Sebarial, and the shattered plains is where I find my quest in.

I am the Highprince of commerce, so I maketh deals with ease,

I may come off as a horrid baboon, but in reality I am a sly fox between the leaves.

My precious Palona's warcamp shall have victory looming,

my people are fearless, and business is booming.

Thou has no taste in culture, for I have all the finest cooks

but I'll be sure to serveth thee the head of Gemmel the disgusting crook.

For this duel I entrust the roasts to Kelsier

With Preservation's power, this battle is guaranteed to be messier.

Turi and the Half-Skaa, wrecking allomancers and Elantrians with class,

defeating Gemmel and Galladon and shattering them like glass,

I could beat them with my eyes closed, they're hopeless i can tell,

a corrupted nut and a farmer boy from duladel.

We will attack with all the manpower and skills we can dump,

to ensure they end up like the parents of Grump.

Sebarial claps his hands, and as the curtains close, servants come and begin to massage him.

 

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Kelsiers rap. I apologize for my bad Shakespearian language. I tried :-D

Spoiler

*Kelsier enters, with his left hand behind his back*

 

I am Kelsier, Survivor of the horrors of the Piths of Hathsin, the mosteth dreadful place in the entireth of the Final Empire.

I haveth slayed nobles, I haveth slayed pitiful soldiers, I haveth slayed Inquisitors, and I haveth punched two Shards of Adonalsium.

I haveth theived from the richest of the rich, and taketh thye gold, thye silver and thye atium.

My beloveth companion has risen and becometh a Shard.

And the fair lady who held Preservation beforeth his Ascension was my ward.

Enter this duel with dread, contestants, and prayeth that you have Hoid as a guard.

For the Survivor of Death, nothing is hard.

(Not even imitating Shakespeare Kelsier thought, and smiled).

 

Beforeth I start roasting thee, I shall introduce my companion and beloveth brother

He loveth spikes for eyes, and shaveth his head

For occupation he has choseth the dastardly job of scaring people dead!

His name is Marsh, and brother, with that sour-as-the-most-dreadful-of-lemons look on your face, you shall never get wed.

 

*Marsh enters, and looks like he would rather be someplace else*

 

I am an Inquisitor, and serveth Harmony.

I haveth a longer life thanks to thee atium in this vial.

And am currently investigating Southern Scadr-ial.

 

*Marsh looks at Kelsier*.

 

“Brother, this is silly. Can’t we just skip this?”

Kelsier shakes his head. “Remember our deal, big bro. You do the Shakespeare rap with me, I help you find this Trell guy for Harmony when we’re done.”

Marsh looks almost desperate. “Please brother. Can’t we at least rap like normal people?”

Kelsier shakes his head. “Marsh, what is a Shakespeare rap without Shakespeare. Lets get on with this now.”

Marsh sighs, but nods. “The things I do for Scadrial.”

 

*The rap goes on.*

 

Kelsier:

The first among thee to face the roastly burns of death shall be Galladon

So pessimistic that a poor man of fishery refers to him as Grump

Personally, rather than feasting with him, I’d spend my time drinking with a stump

Thou believeth thou could save the Elantrians

But thou never did it with style, the way I saveth the Scadrians (I did it thrice).

Now thou travel the Cosmere

Looking for a man I’ve found just by dying

I am certain you never faileth to find him for lack of boldly trying

But you have to understand, that in your quest, everyone but you will be lying

 

Marsh:

Thy were dead once, Galladon

Thy shouldeth haveth stayeth that way

Or Death wouldn’t have cometh at thou to Ruin thy day

Thy think thy wereth dedicatedth to Raodenth eh?

Not comparedth to me, heh.

Thou helped find some foodeth for thou cause

I became an Inquisitorth for mine cause

At thy end of thy day, thou areth just a simpleth farmer.

My brother is the Survivoreth and I am Death.

These roasts just keeps getting warmer.

 

*Kelsier interrupts Marsh*

 

“Marsh, you can’t put “th” at the end of every single word. Rusts, you just renamed Raoden!”

Marsh looks confused. “I thought that was what we were doing. Adding “th” to stuff and sounding stupid.”

Kelsier sighs. “No, Marsh, this is art. Art requires thought, expectation, an audience… have you read the epilogues of Stormlight?”

“What?”

“Never mind. Just chill a little on the “th”-endings. After all, its Romeo and Juliet, not Romeoth and Julieth.Hamlet, not Hamleth. Macbeth not… you know, never mind. Just chill a little.”

“Sure.”

“Great! Then lets roast my old teacher!”

 

Kelsier:

Now I haveth gotten to thou, my old mentor and friend of many years

Thy haircut looketh like a bush without nature to take care of it

And thy eyes with madness are lit

Tell me, master, was every step thou took of Ruin

Or wereth thou simply a dastardly madman?

Either way, thou lessons alloweth me to reach the greatness of the books and the lore

Thou never got there, because thou were such a bore

Just thinking about thou maketh my mind sore

I’ll stop this roast beforeth Marsh falls asleep

 

Marsh:

I haveth heard a lot about thou, Gemmel

And I haveth seen that mine brother eclipsed thy skills in every way

I know this, thy dastardly villain

That thy mind was corrupted, and never thy own

And that thou only purpose was to lead my beloveth brother to a false metal

Vin, Elend, Kelsier and Zaneth

Shall all be remebered in the tales and dramas of Scadrial

While thou shall be reduced to a footnote

 

*The roast ends, and Marsh turns to Kelsier*

“Now we will go find Trell, brother.”

Kelsier smiles, and shows his left hand, which has been kept behind his back the whole time. The fingers are crossed.

“This means no promise, Marsh. You should have asked me to show my hand. Good luck with the Trell thing. I have a southern continent to deal with. Good to rap with you.”

Kelsier smiles, and steelpushes away. Marsh looks after him.

“Rusts and ruin.”

 

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13 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Quick update on me: my week has been busy, crazy, and exhausting. Its 11:52pm local time, and I need to get in the shower. Then tomorrow I need to get up early and go to an event I’m hosting which will last all day and into the evening. I haven’t had a chance to start my rap yet- I haven’t even read my partner @Paranoid King‘s rap yet. If I’m allowed a short extension I’ll do everything within my power to get something written tomorrow night after my all-day event is done. Otherwise I’m afraid I’ll have to forfeit this round. 

 

Either way, I apologize everyone! :(

Hero, I totally get it, so go ahead. This weekend is busy for me, too, so you would’ve gotten an extension anyway. ;) 

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@Paranoid King@Gray to and @Toaster Retribution those were amazing!

Paranoid, that was some seriously gripping, edge of your seat, capital T theater. Really nice work! Wish we had the whole play.

I love the fitting end you devised for Sebarial, Kelsier knowing how much he loves money gives him a Scadrian boxing, so clever!

Gray to great job on your Roast! It sounds just like Sebarial. This line was great.

17 hours ago, Gray to said:

For this duel I entrust the roasts to Kelsier

With Preservation's power, this battle is guaranteed to be messier.

Toaster, that's some funny rust! Yours was definitely a Shakespearean Comedy.

Marsh the reluctant roaster was great, the bit with the added th endings was hilarious.

Edited by hoiditthroughthegrapevine
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4 hours ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

@Paranoid King@Gray to and @Toaster Retribution those were amazing!

Paranoid, that was some seriously gripping, edge of your seat, capital T theater. Really nice work! Wish we had the whole play.

I love the fitting end you devised for Sebarial, Kelsier knowing how much he loves money gives him a Scadrian boxing, so clever!

Thanks, Hoidit! I was thinking of including the two missing acts, but I can only handle so much rhyming before I burn out.

And, uh, the ending pun was unintentional, but thanks for the compliment!

13 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

"Marsh, you can’t put “th” at the end of every single word. Rusts, you just renamed Raoden!”

Marsh looks confused. “I thought that was what we were doing. Adding “th” to stuff and sounding stupid.”

Haha! Marsh is spot on! I just changed "your" to "thy" and called it a day. Iambic pentameter is way beyond my league.

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1. Awesome roasts, everybody! And I look forward to reading yours, Herowannabe.

2. Ashspren, I have a suggestion. Perhaps while everyone is choosing and voting for Returned names, you could announce who is up for the next round? The last two rounds have shown that people don't tend to post their raps until the third day anyway, so there's not likely to be any overlap. It would go something like, Sunday: Returned names are submitted and next round's contestants are announced, Monday: voting for the Returned, Tuesday: New roasts get posted, Wednesday: vote on roasts. 

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3 hours ago, Archer said:

1. Awesome roasts, everybody! And I look forward to reading yours, Herowannabe.

2. Ashspren, I have a suggestion. Perhaps while everyone is choosing and voting for Returned names, you could announce who is up for the next round? The last two rounds have shown that people don't tend to post their raps until the third day anyway, so there's not likely to be any overlap. It would go something like, Sunday: Returned names are submitted and next round's contestants are announced, Monday: voting for the Returned, Tuesday: New roasts get posted, Wednesday: vote on roasts. 

I like that idea, and it seems like it would work. I’ll start that this round. 

 

Edit: And look at my reputation title... what a coincidence. :P 

Edited by Ashspren
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That was amazing Herowannabe!

I loved the Hoed Choir, there lines are incredibly well written, they sound like a classical Greek chorus from Aesychlus. The meter of this line is phenomenal:

17 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

HOED CHOIR:

These pains, like a flame, consumeth me whole!

Merciful Domi, release now my soul!

And I love the ending, it's classic Grump.

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