Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Felt]

Let me tell you a little story.....

Spoiler

There once was a fella
by the name of Rock
He came down from the mountain,
he didn’t come to talk.

His Nuatoma was large,
his Nuatoma was fast
He went to fight for shardplate,
he thought he could last

They went to a Highprince
to challenge him in combat
But he didn’t play fair,
they didn’t count on that

Now his Nuatoma is dead,
his Nuatoma is slain
Nothing more to gain,
now you gotta live with the pain

But when you’re cooking meat,
revenge can be sweet
Just throw in some chull dung,
and don’t admit defeat

To bridge four you went then,
into certain doom
Till your *ss got saved,
by a man in eternal gloom

If all this happened to me,
I would be out fighting
But instead you’re making stew,
that’s not so exciting,
you need a firm slighting
Me, I’m like my father
……….. out there Uniting

So what are you doing here,
you Unkalaki brat
Who are you trying to get at?
All you do is chitchat

Let me show you where it’s at,
put on my rhyming hat
You can never win from me,
In lyrical supremacy you’re falling flat

Now here we go
I’m back on the scene
I hate to be mean
but your lyrics are obscene
They are worse than your cuisine,
I wish I had a time machine,
I wish I had foreseen
It was really that bad,
your stew made me green
It reflects your own hygiene
and really tastes unclean
Are you keen to hear more?
that’s not at all unforeseen
cuz in dissing I’m the best
if you know what I mean
So look for me in the Final
…..I’ll be wearing tangerine

Now go back to your mountain,
where you came from
The end of this battle?
We all know the outcome

 

[Herowannabe]

On 11/23/2018 at 10:59 AM, Ashspren said:

I’m back, everyone! Hope you’ve all had a great week. 

I like this idea! Let’s go for it. 

~~~

Group 1: 

@Paranoid King, with Tillaume! 

@BitBitio, with Shai! 

~~~

Group 2: 

@Herowannabe, with Rock! 

@Felt, with Adolin! 

~~~

You all have 48 hours to post. Good luck, everyone!

Oh hey this is back on. I was still neck deep in family stuff on Friday and didn’t even see this post until just now. May I request an extension please? I should be able to get a rap done by the end of the day, but I won’t be able to do it in the next 2 hours to make the original deadline. 

[Felt]

for me no problem mate

[Ashspren]

1 hour ago, Herowannabe said:

Oh hey this is back on. I was still neck deep in family stuff on Friday and didn’t even see this post until just now. May I request an extension please? I should be able to get a rap done by the end of the day, but I won’t be able to do it in the next 2 hours to make the original deadline. 

Go ahead! Same for you, @BitBitio.

[Herowannabe]

Alright, thanks for waiting to patiently @Felt

Now brace yourself for the beating you're about to be dealt!

Spoiler

Greetings to you, my worthy opponent who is being called Adolin

Great duelist, son of Dalinar and heir of house Kholin

You might want to go and be notifying your next of kin

Because I will now be roasting you. Ha! Ready? Let’s begin.

 

I will return your story with another not long in the making

About the son of the man who was brother to a king

Known as “The Blackthorn,” he was good at only one thing

Leading his armies in the acts of looting and raping

 

Then he had a son and named him “Born unto Light”

It is a simple name, but I guess it will do alright

But then he made mistake of raising him to fight

Like Father like son, full of aggression and spite

 

Airsick lowlanders, how are you being so crude?

Firstborn son is meant to be gathering food

Not swinging a shardblade and fighting in feuds

You would know this thing if you lived at right altitude

 

And what have you been doing with your privileged life?

You killed hundreds of Parshendi, causing suffering and strife

And only could handle Sadeas by stabbing him in eye with knife

Then somehow convinced Shallan to be your ana’kai crazy wife

 

Please, if these are accomplishments they are really quite weak

I faced down Parshendi with no weapon of which to speak

I dealt with Sadeas with chull-dung and by the showing of great cheek

And I married Tuaka, the most beautiful woman on the Peaks

 

I fathered six children and I will father six more

And I am valued member of now famous Bridge Four

I am the great Unkalaki Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor

While you are forgotten they will be calling me for encore

 

And finally, let’s talk about your shardblade’s Mafah’liki

The spren named Mayalaran, all broken and shrieky

You are thinking to restore her? Yes that would really be peachy

But if one as tuma’alki as you manages it- Ha! I shall name you my kaluk'i'iki!

 

 

[Herowannabe]

Any word on Bitbitio AKA @Ookla the Vocal One? It says he was online 3 hours ago. 

[+Ark1002]

OOKLA OOKLA OOKLA!

[BitBitio]

11 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Any word on Bitbitio AKA @Ookla the Vocal One? It says he was online 3 hours ago. 

Tonight.

Edit: @Ookla the Ookla post something so I don't have to double-post.

Edited November 27, 2018 by Ookla

[Paranoid King]

All ready for that roast, Shai

[BitBitio]

Tillaume is going down.

Spoiler

Have you guys ever heard of someone so pathetic

They failed to kill someone who never expected it

In fact, they killed themselves, they needed a medic

Oh Tillaume, you foolish man. You are so unfit.

 

A butler, yes, a butler

That's exactly what you are

Your assassinations need to be subtler

Because your last one was not on par

 

Served your Mister Suit

Sucked up like a little pup

Aww, isn't that cute?

Dude, YOU BLEW YOURSELF UP!

 

Your favorite drink is tea

You work for the Ladrians

You practically worked for free

For my very favorite Scadrians!

 

I am Shai, Forger of MaiPon

I remade Ashravan

Meanwhile you, sir, are dead and gone

You really kicked the can(or bucket)

 

I only wish I had more time

To roast and rap way harder

But for your thoughts, I don't give a dime

And neither would my Sharder.

Not my best work, and I don't expect to win, but I hope you have a good laugh!

[Paranoid King]

 

57 minutes ago, Ookla said:

Tillaume is going down.

  Hide contents

Served your Mister Suit

Sucked up like a little pup

Aww, isn't that cute?

Dude, YOU BLEW YOURSELF UP!

 

This is amazing!

I'm feeling really nervous about my chances now...

[Ashspren]

Here’s the link: 

https://goo.gl/forms/tE5CfTqwbELQRfg62

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

Edited November 27, 2018 by Ashspren

[BitBitio]

I'm excited to see the victor!

[Ripheus23]

On 11/25/2018 at 4:03 AM, Felt said:

by a man in eternal gloom

OMG haha

[Ashspren]

And the two people moving on to the championships are... 

@Paranoid King, representing everyone’s least favorite failure of a butler... TILLAUME! 

@Herowannabe, representing the Horneater plagued with an extreme case of altitude sickness... ROCK! 

~~~ 

I’ve decided to give some extra time for this round; you’ll have 96 hours to get your raps in! I will send out the voting link at 96 hours, or once both raps are in. 

Good luck, both of you!

[BitBitio]

Great game, @Paranoid King!

[+Sorana]

Good luck to you!

I'm really excited to read what you've come up with! The raps of both of you were great so far!!!

[Herowannabe]

*Samurai bow to @Felt* Well fought my friend!

Now it's time to deal with @Paranoid King 

[Paranoid King]

6 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

*bow*

What's this? Looks like someone aspires to be a butler!

[Ashspren]

@Paranoid King @Herowannabe 

24 hours left! Looking forward to seeing your roasts.  

 

[Paranoid King]

What a coincidence! I just finished!

You ready for this, Rock?

Spoiler

Hey what's up, pal?

And why the long face?

Have you realized I'm an acid      (See, I'm number 1)

and you're nothing but a base?      (Best you'll do is 8)

 

I'm reactive, volatile,      (Cuz I'm not proactive)

prone to explode.

You'll soon regret the day

you stepped into my abode.      (But my butlering's great)

 

Numuhuku - Rock,

you've been fooled by a fool      (completely out-wit-ted)

I'm master of myself,

and nobody's tool.      (The set doesn't count)

 

Your leader can't win,

Rock, you've been deceived.      (You'll never add up)

I sure hope that you haven't

been badly bereaved.      (To any great amount.)

 

Lost all your family,

served as a cook,      (The fourth son's a warrior?)

chull dung's not the tastiest

food in my book.      (What of the king?)

 

But what do I know?

Perhaps it's appealing,      (Why can he fight battles)

to air-starved horneaters,

whose tongue's lost all feeling.      (for shards home to bring?)

 

I'll have to direct you

to Elendel's fare.      (My city's so grand)

We've pastries and cheeses

and salads to spare.      (It puts yours to shame)

 

Airsick lowlanders?

I'll have to refute.      (Yours is lost to the cold)

Down here are grand cities.

Your land's destitute.      (Mine will light up in flame)

 

Your skills lie in strength

and in guzzling ale.      (So you can shoot a bow,)

You may try to roast,

But I think you will fail.      (There's something to that,)

 

The heart of bridge four?

Well, more like the belly.      (But you'll never be able)

I'd thought I prepared,

but boy, are you smelly.      (to tie a cravat.)

 

Homeland traditions?

Or maybe just fear?      (I'm rather surprised)

cooking while Kaladin

trains with the spear.      (You managed to resist)

 

A wannabe archer,

your skills have been rusted.      (Adding some shells)

Your life as a bridgeman

is poorly adjusted.      (For a "horneater" twist)

 

You do have a talent

ignored in your boasts.      (Also borrowed a power)

I can see why - it's boring

to see hidden ghosts.      (I guess you're not picky)

 

Your son's named rock, too?

Did you eat a stonespren?      ('cause your ultimate skill)

With all of the interest

You should be called Tien.      (is making things sticky)

 

At least you survived,

though the journey was hard.      (Somehow you lasted)

And have reached the high

position of ... bodyguard.      (without a single kill)

 

You'll have to stop saying

all that "third son" prattle.      (You must be real good)

I think you just enjoy

the heat of the battle.      (at resisting the thrill)

 

In that case, I'll leave you

to carry the fight,      (Or making a dish)

Or perhaps to refuse

out of cowardly spite.      (that's seasoned with poo)

 

Me? I'll stay loyal

with all my heart.      (I'll wrap it up here)

And if that's what it takes?

Then I'll be blown apart.      (I've butlering to do.)

 

And this is my scrapped rough draft. Read at your own peril.

Spoiler

Never fear, my skills are up to the task

Gonna beat you down before the hour's past

Give it up for Tillaume, hero of the hour

You stand no match against my power

 

Up on the peaks, in horneater land

Never develop taste, your food's all so bland

Gonna show you how to cook with style

Let me make a tea you cannot revile

 

You seem in need of lowlander air,

Down here, your stew just cannot compare

Never fit with the rest of your little band

Gonna show you the right way to follow command

 

Run with your bridge, every two or three days

Around a cracked land, then collapse in a daze

And repeat it until your muscles are shredded

Desert if you like, you'll just end up beheaded.

...

 

[Herowannabe]

Working on my rap. It’s probably going to take me a couple more hours though. As per usual. 

[Herowannabe]

Alright, finally done, and props to my opponent @Paranoid King

But now it's my turn to be letting Rock sing!

 

Spoiler

And now the time- he is come for me to be mocking Tillaume

The faithful butler- maybe, but your life ended with you dying alone

Not me, I am having many family and friends to call my own

You see? Now Bridge Four will be helping me to send you back home

 

Take him away my friends!

 

Woah, hang on a second, you want us to do what now, Rock?

Oi! Has any of you lot seen The Lopen’s other sock?

A Horneater game where you make fun of each other... with a song?

Actually, that is a common misconception- People frequently get it wrong

The tradition of getting drunk and dueling via singing originated in Vedenar...

Hey Kal! You’re being summoned to another meeting with old man Dalinar!

Don’t worry, Teft and I will help Rock make fun of his new butler friend.

What!? Don’t drag me into this Skar! I swear the nagging never ends.

Right now? Look, sorry Rock, I’ve got to go. Good luck with your song thing.

Storm off the lot of you- don’t you all have spren you should be bonding?

When the Veden Aristocracy decided they wanted to distinguish themselves...

Ah, here it is- how’d it get way up here on the top shelf?

From what they considered at the time to be “Alethi barbarity”...

*Sigzil gives up as Teft lets loose a long string of vulgarity*

Sometimes I swear the lot of you couldn’t be any worse!

Whatcha doing there Rock? You want insults in verse?

Hey, relax Teft, there’s no need to for you to be so cross.

I said leave me alone! It’s no wonder I can’t stay off the moss.

You ought to know by now that Herdazians are the best at insults, sure!

Watch, Come on Huio, show them how it’s done! …  Bridge Four!

 

 

Airsick lowlanders, sometimes I wonder why I am even trying

Nevermind, I guess it is my own skills that I must be applying

Brace yourself, Tillaume, for very soon you will be crying

Because now he is the time for me to send insults flying

 

You are being a faithful butler, yes, but you serve the wrong master

Mr. Suit and the Set- your society’s version of cancer

You might have killed Waxillium if you had been a bit faster

But doing this thing- he would have been a disaster!

 

Why are you doing this thing and serving the Set’s evil plan?

They are wishing to extort the people and institute a happiness-ban

But me- I am following Kaladin Stormblessed, a mighty man!

And we will be protecting everyone throughout all the land

 

And what is this tuma’alki drink that you are calling “tea”

This beverage, he is inferior to the drinks of Unkalaki

Here, try some mudbeer or a lager and then you will see

Or perhaps some Horneater White if you are very gutsy

 

You want more refined drink? Come and be taking a gander

And try some of our Shiki- a drink that is being made much grander

By the Lazbo that Huio added, and if I’m expressing much candor

He is surprisingly- Bridge Four!

…

Airsick Lowlander.

 

 

[Paranoid King]

Well, color me impressed. Good thing I prepared a rebuttal.

Spoiler

 

Edited December 3, 2018 by Paranoid King
Well Spotted ;)

[Herowannabe]

I just noticed the hidden text in @Paranoid King's roast, and I have to say

Spoiler

Well played.