Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[+Sorana]

@Paranoid King

Congratulations! Your rap was really good!

[Toaster Retribution]

Great job everyone! Congrats to Paranoid King, and also to Ark. I’m happy that you liked what you wrote this time around :-D

Edited November 5, 2018 by Toaster Retribution

[Paranoid King]

Thanks, Sorana! For having only a quarter of the time, your roast was amazing!

[+Sorana]

31 minutes ago, Paranoid King said:

Thanks, Sorana! For having only a quarter of the time, your roast was amazing!

Thank you!

Yeah, but honestly it could have been a lot better if I had had the time to revise it ^^
But then again, it was my mistake AND I do plan to participate in the next tournament as well

[+Ark1002]

I will keep participating. 

@Paranoid King congrats!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Nice roasts @Paranoid King, @Ark1002 and @Sorana!

Really nice extended metaphors in your roast Paranoid, also I really liked the feigned reluctance to be dragged into the competition. Good stuff!

This was a great line Ark for roasting Breeze:

On 11/3/2018 at 8:13 PM, Ark1002 said:

You were a noble, but immobile. Useless, when you could have gone global.

The repeated refrain at the start and the end of your roast Sorana was great.

Really good stuff, still the best thing going on the shard.

[+Ark1002]

In my last one, I only had one I really liked, which went (I think):

Szeth? Don't waste my breath. You're just a plot device for causing death.

[Herowannabe]

@Rhapsody @I think I am here. are you ready to get ROCKed?

Spoiler

Clear the way, here comes Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor

Third son of noble Unkalaki line and head chef of famous Bridge Four

I am making shardbows look easy and I cook the best stews you could hope for

And all of this is happening before the Windrunner Oaths I swore

 

I am listening to you all sing and my head- he is hanging down in shame

So now I show you the proper way to play Horneater dueling game

You should not just sing your taunt, he needs to rhyme with name

Here, I go first and show you how, then you see if you can do the same

 

First I will be roasting you, silly little man named Nazh

And by beating you I will be receiving the first round of applause

You almost make this too easy because you are having so many little flaws

But is okay, you are not from Roshar so I will forgive you of your faux pas

 

Why do you insist on going around and stealing other people’s maps?

There are easier ways to do this thing-  you could be buying them perhaps?

And why do you swim to bottom of ocean to gather silly art scraps

When you could just be asking Shallan? She freely gives her sketches to many sorts of chaps

 

I caught you drawing sketches of Bridgemen- what did you hope to gain?

You are terrible spy. Perhaps you should be taking lessons from Rlain

He spied on us for months as we carried bridge all over Shattered Plains.

But it’s not your fault- There’s too much air down here. It is not good for your brain

 

And now I am turning my attention to you, Lady known as Khriss

Your inflated sense of ego needs to be humbled by Unkalaki diss

Because you think you are important but you are not- everybody knows this

For your presence in the Cosmere is so small that you are very easy to miss.

 

Your only contribution to the world is that of author of Ars Arcanum

Your descriptions are often incomplete, sometimes wrong, but always dry and hum-drum

Why do you even bother writing down this thing- to me it is conundrum

Because whenever readers reach the end of book they skip over your addendum

 

And what do you accomplish on the planet of your birthplace?

You cannot recognize a Sandmage when he insults you to your face

And leave behind your entourage and what are you? A disgrace

No wonder you left your home behind and wandered off in space.

 

Now both of you get out of here before I humiliate you some more.

Or perhaps you’d like to try drinking game? You’ll end up facedown on the floor

It matters not what game we play or how we count the score.

The winner will always be Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor

 

 

Edited November 7, 2018 by Herowannabe
Formatting got weird

[Herowannabe]

On 11/5/2018 at 7:16 AM, Ashspren said:

 

Now, for the next competitors... 

@Rhapsody, with Khriss! 

@I think I am here., with Nazh! 

@Herowannabe, with Rock! 

Good luck, everyone! 48 hours to get those in.

So... does this mean I win by default? 

 

J/k, if @Rhapsody and @I think I am here. will be done soon I’m happy to give them a short extension. Winning by default isn’t fun for anyone.

Edited November 7, 2018 by Herowannabe

[I think I am here.]

Oh wow I’m really sorry, I really should have said before I was really busy. But, I will try my best to make something up on the spot. Please forgive me if it turns out bad  . 

Spoiler

Here comes Nazh!

Master of schnazz

All of you I’ll outclass

To the smooth beat of Jazz,

cause I’m not holding back,

on my sick rap track,

I’ll make you all lack,

the strength to fight back!

Knock knock,

Oh, Rock!

As dumb as one too,

‘Cause I don’t lie,

And with you I spy

someone who doesn’t have a clue!

You used to fight,

‘twas your birthright

Til’ your older brother died,

and what does Rock (the frower) do?

He cooks (like a coward) oh great, nothing new!

And don’t even get me started on your stew,

The Bridgmen think it’s good,

But only because before they were eating scraps

And now that they’ve tried out your horneater food

They’ve fallen into your trap

I would say more, but I’m afraid I need to go,

Another small competitor is just begging for a roast!

Yes, Khriss, you.

Who else was I going to do?

You’re not very good at this, Khriss.

maybe I should’ve brung back Liss,

A way more interesting character, and your names rhyme!

But while she’s an assassin, you’re more akin to Rosharan slime

If we were having a skill competition, you would’ve left at the door,

compared to everyone else, your essays are just a bore,

I’m the one who does the travel.

I’m the dashing spy.

Cause as this rap begins to unravel

we’ll see how you don’t even try.

Cause your lazy, girl,

Just sending me to Sel,

While you give your pen a twirl,

I came from the Forests of Hell!

You’re homelands a stupid Tatooine rip-off,

my homeland’s original, yours is a knock-off,

And let’s not even begin on Rock’s house (lame)

knowing him, he probably sleeps under his name.

And, another copy in German

Spoiler

Hier kommt Nazh! Meister des Schnazz Alle von Ihnen werde ich überholen Zum sanften Beat des Jazz weil ich mich nicht zurückhalte, auf meiner kranken Rap-Spur, Ich werde euch alle zum Mangel bringen, die Kraft, sich zu wehren! Klopf klopf, Oh, Rock! So dumm wie einer auch „Weil ich nicht lüge, Und mit dir spioniere ich aus jemand, der keine Ahnung hat! Du hast gekämpft, 'Twas dein Erstgeburtsrecht Bis dein älterer Bruder starb, und was macht Rock (der Fresser)? Er kocht (wie ein Feigling) oh toll, nichts Neues! Und lass mich nicht mal mit deinem Eintopf anfangen, Die Bridgmen finden es gut, Aber nur, weil sie vorher Schrott gegessen hatten Und jetzt, wo sie Ihr Horneater-Essen ausprobiert haben Sie sind in deine Falle geraten Ich würde noch mehr sagen, aber ich fürchte, ich muss Ein anderer kleiner Konkurrent bettelt nur um einen Braten! Ja, Khriss, du. Wen würde ich sonst noch machen? Sie sind nicht sehr gut darin, Khriss. vielleicht sollte ich Liss zurückgeworfen haben, Ein viel interessanter Charakter und Ihre Namen reimen! Aber während sie ein Attentäter ist, sind Sie eher mit dem Rosharan-Schleim verwandt Wenn wir einen Skill-Wettbewerb hätten, wären Sie an der Tür geblieben, Verglichen mit allen anderen sind Ihre Essays nur langweilig, Ich bin derjenige, der die Reise macht. Ich bin der schneidige Spion. Denn dieser Rap beginnt sich zu lösen Wir werden sehen, wie Sie es nicht einmal versuchen. Dein faules Mädchen, Schicke mich einfach zu Sel, Während Sie Ihrem Stift einen Wirbel geben, Ich kam aus den Wäldern der Hölle! Du bist eine dumme Tatooine-Abzocke aus Das Original meines Heimatlandes ist Ihresgleichen Und fangen wir nicht einmal bei Rock an (lahm) er kennt ihn und schläft wahrscheinlich unter seinem Namen.

 

Edited November 7, 2018 by I think I am here.

[Rhapsody]

ok here comes Khriss.

Spoiler

I don't think I can listen to this any longer, turning a blind eye,

well Lunamor you wanted it - here is my reply!

 

I can't believe I have to go down to the pit with fool,

yes I mean you Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor,

thinking everything's a god that comes from a shardpool.

that you deny me the same treatment seems rather cruel.

 

You trying to figure out what to do now - don't sit on the fence!

You want to fight - go on, commence!

You can't even properly form one sentence!

I'm waiting here - or is your offense in suspense?

 

Well while I wait for you to work around that vakuum in your head

(yes sometimes it is good if there is a bit more of air)

I think I'll go ahead and see what Nazh has hidden under his bed

(don't think I'll skip you just because you're under my care)

 

Well, there's one thing Rock is right about

it is so obvious even he found that out.

Why must you ever steal those maps and charts i sent you out for?

all the trouble coming with stolen things is something I abhor.

 

And getting cought by simple soldiers trying to sketch?

I would have thought you had gained a little more of an edge.

And when I sent you to bring me a map of those shattered plains

you're too lazy to do it - all I read are complains.

 

So I guess for the end all that remains to say

is I'll need to do it myself if I want something before turning gray!

 

Kriss now simply turns around and stalks back into the shardpool she strode out of, leaving a dumbfounded Rock and Nazh on the shores.

 

(Sorry for the delay. It was more difficult roasting Nazh than I thought =) or rapping in a foreign language without swearing (I don't think Khriss would swear).)

[Ashspren]

Here’s the link: 

https://goo.gl/forms/O46DNmeQMKPxmgWw1

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[Rhapsody]

@I think I am here.I love that you did a german translation. Was that solely for me? =) But I can understand english just fine.... and that German sounds a lot like google translate

Edited November 7, 2018 by Rhapsody

[Ashspren]

And the winner is... @Herowannabe, with Rock! 

---

Next up: 

@Wyndlerunner, with Dalinar! 

@Felt, with Adolin! 

@Toaster Retribution, with Amaram! 

@ILuvHats, with Taravangian! 

Looks like the Alethi nobles are taking their insults to the next level...  

Good luck, everyone!

[Toaster Retribution]

Amaram wishes to point out that Taravangian isn’t Alethi, and that Dalinar doesn’t behave like a proper noble.

[Ashspren]

1 minute ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Amaram wishes to point out that Taravangian isn’t Alethi, and that Dalinar doesn’t behave like a proper noble.

*crosses out Alethi* 

*replaces with Rosharan* 

Also, oof. Roasted. Sorry, Dalinar, but the flame is real.

[Wyndlerunner]

38 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

*crosses out Alethi* 

*replaces with Rosharan* 

Also, oof. Roasted. Sorry, Dalinar, but the flame is real.

Why do things I love keep burning?

Might as well start this thing going

What's up y'all, name's Dalinar Kholin, with my burnin' hot roasts I'm coming in for the win. Yes I'm gonna burn ya, and the damage won't be measly, cause when I'm done with you, you'll think The Rift had it easy.

King Taravangian, the idiot genius, I considered removin' you from the human genus. But then I realized, that's not what I'll do because, Mr. T, I pity you, fool. Yes I said fool, you're a fool who can't rule. You think you've got it good, think people are followin' your plans. News flash, they don't follow you. They follow your Diagram.

Amaram Sadeas, what do I need to say? It won't take long to slay ya', cause everybody hates ya'. Son of Honor? Ha! Your plan was so flawed. Now just look at me, sittin' here bonded to a god! You're a murderer, a fraud, you killed a whole spear squad. For what? Some plate and blade? That won't protect you from my angry tirade!

Adolin, son. We need to talk. You were gonna succeed me, but now I've seen, you can't even follow the simple Way of Kings. You call it "that storming book", but I ain't even shook. You killed Sadeas, and hid, tryin to keep your sin to yourself. You didn't even regret it. At least I got a broken soul out of my crimes!

That's been me, Dalinar, Highking of Urithiru. Y'all don't stand a chance, so till' then I say See you!

Edited November 8, 2018 by Wyndlerunner

[+Ark1002]

I am looking forward to this! I somehow missed the entire competition last time, but I will follow this!

[+Sorana]

@Wyndlerunner

Cool! Good roast, I like it a lot!

 

Good luck to the rest of you, I look forward to read what you'll write!!!

[Toaster Retribution]

Amaram is back, and he is here to rock! Or rap. At least one of them, maybe both. Either way, here it is:

Spoiler

I will begin with Adolin 

Please don’t take this the wrong way

But you are too hotheaded to win

You have a Blade, a Plate and good looks, no doubt

But stabbing someone through the eye, I’ll warn you, thats a sin

Young prince, let me give you some advice

Think carefully, when you choose who to despise

You kill and fight for your fathers gain

And then get mad at me for the ones I’ve slain?

In addition to that, you are kind of a brat

Again I mean no harm, but songs will be written about Kaladin, Shallan and even Lift

The only thing the will sing about you is how your dates leave you, like theyve seen the fires of the Rift!

 

Then we move on to the father, Dalinar, my friend

I like you still you are pretty cool

In fact, despite your heresy, to you my Shardblade I would lend (if you asked nicely). 

But even if we are friends, I still need to tell you

That losing a Herald in the warcamps, wasn’t the best thing you could do

I borrowed Taln, I hope thats okay

You can’t complain too much though

After all, you did steal my good reputation away

And Dalinar, please, think before you act

Recruiting Szeth wasn’t exactly a show of good tact

He killed lots of people, and that is a fact

So if you wonder why you aren’t trusted

Please consider firing the Assassin, before your Alliance has rusted

 

And then, at last, we have old Vargo

Or, as they say in a non-Rosharan language, a failure largo

You murder and lie to save the world

Please, frail king, listen to my word

It won’t work out that well for you

The only thing immoral behavior will result in is anger and hate

I stole a blade, you stole a kingdom

And they treated me like crem for what I did, so you just wait

I tell you, king Taravangian, Kharbranth and at least one more nation

Stop following Odium, stop aiding the desolation

I know too well what happens if you don’t choose the journey before the destination

 

[Paranoid King]

3 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

  Hide contents

You murder and lie to save the world

Please, frail king, listen to my word [...]

Stop following Odium, stop aiding the desolation

I know too well what happens if you don’t choose the journey before the destination

 

 

[+ILuvHats]

Taravangian takes offense at Amaram's roast, and would like to let him know that as soon as he can find time in his schedule, he'll roast him so soundly he might as well be a turkey at a thanksgiving dinner.

In all seriousness, though, nice roast @Toaster Retribution .

Edited November 9, 2018 by ILuvHats

[Toaster Retribution]

Amaram wants to let Taravangian know that he likes turkey. 

Looking forward to that roast though!

[+ILuvHats]

The following passage was deleted due to the sheer idiocy of its content:

Spoiler

Dalinar, you’ve killed a lot of people.

There bodies are piled as high as a tower steeple.

It was all for fun, too,

So you’re not as noble as you think, its true. (Something else?)

You’re bad,

Its sad,

The Thrill made you mad.

At least I

 

Addendum:  Why the dumber me would enter this ridiculous competition is incomprehensible.  And then I spend three hours composing this utter garbage.  Three hours!  I’m tempted to ignore this so-called roast battle as anyone who would willingly participate in such an event is a waste of human life.  However, Adrotagia holds the silly notion that partaking in it would provide a vent for my frustration with others’ incompetence, and that my “complete disregard for human pathos,” as she calls it, would be mitigated.  So, I suppose I will play along, if only to cease her incessant nagging.

 

 

The REAL Roast:

Spoiler

Don’t mess with the King of Kharbranth you fools,

I’ve deigned to play your games and follow your rules.

As expected, you all lack the wit to brainstorm a strategy.

Gaping holes reside in your cranial cavities.

Ready to get roasted,

Abolished, and toasted?

Marvelous.  Give me a pen, now let’s begin.  

 

First up is Adolin, the only Kholin with no spren.

Instead, you talk to a lifeless hunk of metal every now and then.

She said her name’s “Maya?”  Hurray!  That’s one word.

A few more, and maybe your conversations won’t be quite as absurd.

 

The Final Desolation’s arrived, and YOU’RE trying new clothing!

Almighty above, man, you fill me with loathing.

Despite your immaturity, you were offered the throne,

But you turned it down.  What?  Too afraid to rule all alone?

 

You’re too easy to roast, lad.

It’s time to move on to your dad.

 

For a man forged by blood, you’re exceedingly naïve.

Dalinar, you’re still falling for the lies that I weave.

I tried to kill you, still you let me remain.

Are you an imbecile, or simply insane?

 

Your chances of defeating Odium are astrological.

In order to survive, you need to be pathological.

Admit it, Dalinar, you don’t have what it takes 

To lead the coalition when the entire planet’s at stake.

 

So, what, now you can summon a perpendicularity?

That fact that you think that’ll help you is pure hilarity.

The Broken One cannot be defeated by the likes of us.

Just give up already; your efforts are completely superfluous.

 

Ah, Amaram.  The man, the myth, the legend.

You’ll go down in history as the villain least mentioned.

For years you’re an anti-hero, then BAM you’re one more minion.

No build-up, no nothing; your arc’s a farce in my opinion.  

 

Even on the Shattered Plains, way back before OB,

You were simply an inferior version of me!

One anti-hero to serve as a target for the readers’ fury,

One a behind-the-scenes figure who was driving the story.

 

While you were trying to trigger a new Desolation,

I was struggling to prepare and provide a salvation.

Others may call both our methods despicable,

But at least my motivations were much more reasonable.

 

And now, thank the heralds, you’re rotting in the grave.

I’d like to shake Brandon’s hand for that save.

 

So don’t mess with the King of Kharbranth you fools.

Now I’ve deigned to play your games and follow your rules.

Let’s wrap up this preposterous roast battle, shall we?

The only true winner here is yours truly, Mr. T.

 

 

[Kidpen]

That is excellent.