Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Silva]

Here we go:

Spoiler

Cultivation, you’ve been denying who you are.

You haven’t been listening to your names definition.

The process of trying to acquire or develop a quality or skill brought up a bar,

Or the action of cultivating land in addition, though that lacks much specification.

Lately you haven’t been living up to your name,

And your fellow Shards haven’t also quite been doing the same.

Your disapproval of me, Hoid, is mutual.

But unlike me, you’ve never been anything quite unusual.

And since this is me, there is going to be a technology problem - it won't unbold for reasons unknown to me.

Edited October 5, 2018 by Silva
Managed to unbold it - finally

[Felt]

Now first and foremost,
you don’t rap you don’t boast,
you insulting with poetry,
that’s not even a roast!

I do nothing
to help the community?
Who gave Dalinar an opportunity
and provided you with Unity?

Gee, Hoid,
can’t you see,
you got a learning permit
and I got a masters degree

No time to mess around
let me do the real work
unleash me on the next round
and I will go berserk

[+Sorana]

They were both great!

You two did a really good job here!

This will be a hard decision...

[Ashspren]

Here’s the link... 

https://goo.gl/forms/ktNYO0VrqKluCWN33

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[+ILuvHats]

Can we reserve spots in the rap battle after the next one?  I don't remember if there was a policy on how far in advance you can get spots, or if the rules are any different since the next round will be special.

[Ashspren]

@ILuvHats, the rules will be different. You'll see...  

---

The winner of that battle is... @Felt, with Cultivation! Excellent job to both Felt and @Silva –– that was a great round. 

---

For our final round of the primaries... 

@Nohadon, with Wayne! 

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine, with Steris! 

@I think I am here., with Silence! 

@Paranoid King, with Hrathen!

Good luck, everyone!

[Silva]

Great job @Felt! Your roasts are epic and made my day multiple times. Good luck in the future rounds!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Please do be informed that Steris has thrown her hat into the proverbial ring. Here is her roast, spoilered because that is in fact the proper way to do it:

Spoiler

You must excuse my formality,
  but this is the reality
    I will win this on a technicality

I think it is in fact rather apt
  that–the first time I have "wrapped"–
    you, Wayne, will be the first one verbally slapped.

Sometimes you wear disguises –like mullets,
  You can't handle guns, but how about bullets?

• You are a lazeabout and a lecher
• A sneak THIEF and a kvetcher
• Wax only keeps you around so you stay out of trouble
• You'd be useless as powdered water without your speed bubble
• You use a dueling cane (so first era)
• You use the wrong brain (Ranette is a chimera)
• You're not a Survivorist (what a heresy)
• Quit trying to pair Wax up with Marisi!
• If the universe had a neck Wayne—you would be it's biggest pain.

 

Next on my list, which is quite extensive,
  is the user of silver–which gets quite expensive
    Oh are you here? You are so Silent and pensive

Silence, with a name like that you probably hated your folks,
  So you left and set up a waystop out past the oaks
    But your whole life really is just one big hoax

You pretend to follow rules, but consistently break them (upsetting)
  You feed your bounty before you hunt them and take them (bloodletting)
    And you have your daughter help you kill people (that's abetting)

 

 Next on my list is the high priest of Shu-Dereth (did I just sneeze?)
  Speaking of fakers, who just got over the Shaoed (oh Please!)
    You stopped Dilaf for sure, but got a fatal case of Fjon disease.

Also, I have to say Elantris is boring.
  Are you talking about Aons? Can you hear me snoring?
    Apart from the Rose Empire, Sel, I'm ignoring.

 

I anticipated all your attacks, you know I planned it
  So your collective posterior, on the loser's seat, plant it
   Because this Roast right here, Steris just canned it.
 

 

Edited October 8, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine

[+Ark1002]

Woop woop!

[Felt]

@Silva and @Kidpen that was awesome, thanks for the good rhymes    

[+ILuvHats]

Wow @hoiditthroughthegrapevine.  I can literally hear Steris's voice rapping when I read your roast, which is kinda hilarious.  I also like that you planned ahead, probably composed the roast a week ago, and were the first to post your rap, since that's exactly what Steris would do.  Staying in character.  I like it.  

[Paranoid King]

Hmph. Show up one hour late and someone's already beat me to the Boring/Snoring rhyme.

Spoiler

I'm Hrathen, you heathens!
I bend the world to my whim.
With a word I topple nations
Against me your chances slim.

My cunning cannot be compared,
I think in crooked lines.
Not only do I wreck your plans,
I half all my deadlines!

 

Wayne my boy, you're immature,
You seem like a third wheel
Wax pays rent, Ster is affluent
To survive, you still have to steal!

You may say that it's only a trade,
You leave something equal behind.
But if that is true, I've a question for you -
How did you pay for your goldmind?

You mess up the crime half of the time!
Your robbery ended in death.
The only thing worse than your subpar skills
Is the alcohol still on your breath.

Unable to move past your own mistakes,
Picking up a gun still makes you tremble
Why the fancy hat? You're no aristocrat.
Only confident when you dissemble.

They say that you'll know a man's character
Best by the companions he'll keep
So not to delay, I'm moving away
(Hope I finish 'fore I fall asleep!)

 

Steris, you're stale and useless, much
like a princess that's trapped in a castle.
Not known for grace or an attractive face
Are you really worth all the hassle?

Your attitude isn't a bonus,
You're known for your heart being cold.
Toted around like Marle at the fairground,
And betrothed for your family's gold.

No charm, no flair, no creativity there.
You yourself often say that you're boring!
No redeeming skills! No political prowess!
You can stop now, I'm already snoring.

You're a blank slate to fill some space,
Just a prize won at end of the quest.
Oh, but you can plan! That'll help out your man!
(I'm being sarcastic. I jest.)

To conclude, I can't belittle you
Because you've no attributes to discredit.
No hates or likes, no curves or spikes,
You're in desperate need of re-edit.

 

Silence, you're different, so too is my claim
that everything you do is wrong
A roast would break the rule of flame
I'll have to put you down in song

Hello darkness, my old friend.
You own the inn at forest's end.
Built with wards to stop the shades from creeping
So you yourself can kill your guests, sleeping
And the dagger that you planted in their chest
Puts them to rest
Leaving the sound of Silence

You wear a mask to pay the debt
To house the one you can't forget
The rules of blood and flame and speed
Hold no place inside your waystop's deed.
And the solace afforded by your skill
Leaves a chill
The icy heart of Silence.

Of silver three lines are inscribed
Within your inn, safety's implied.
Weary travellers on the shore embark
Step foot within and fall prey to your mark
And the waystop is nothing but a snare
within your care
The greedy hands of Silence

If honor is dead, you must have killed him,
and sold off his head for the bounty.
Though a waystop should promise safety for all,
You renege as the guests leave your county.

 

You're all living your lives without purpose!
Just aspiring to hats, fame, and money.
No need to applaud, but I'll summon a god!
Compared to my might, you're just funny.

Wayne, your exchanges have nothing on me,
Oh, you traded a book for some coals?
I sent off a government with just my words
In return, saved a million souls.

Steris, your feats of reasoning
I'm really not trying to spurn
But consider with just my logic and faith
I stand only second to Wyrn

Silence, you struggle constantly
to feed every incoming seaman,
while keeping at bay the threat of a shade -
I myself killed the strongest of demons.

My combat prowess is untouched
Your battle cries sound more like squeaks.
You're looking unsteady, seems I've won already
In less than my standard 12 weeks.

 

 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Hahahaha, the roast is afoot!

Nicely played @Paranoid King, nicely played!

[Paranoid King]

Indeed it is! May the best roast win!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

@Paranoid King you should post a full version of that Sounds of Silence parody on the Cosmere the Musical thread, it's amazing! Steris totally has this one in the bag, but I would give you the finest runner's up ribbon the world's ever seen, brilliant stuff.

Edited October 8, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine
kinda major, but seriously minor edits

[I think I am here.]

Hello everyone! Give it up for the one, the only:

Siiiiilence Montane!!

*Obvious Desclaimer: I mean no harm, Physical, Cognitive or Spritual, to any of the competitors. Yes, I'm looking at you in particular.

Spoiler

I'm Silence, baby!
The best of the best!
If you don't mind I think you'll find,
Y'all losers are the rest!

I got no powers,
Just my silver knife,
But not to boast but my roasts,
Could take you down with no strife.

So if you think you're hard enough, come take a go.
But beware: when Montane fights back, there won't be time to say "Oh!"

Won't be time to say "Oh!", won't be time to say "Oh!"...

Oh, let's start with Steris.
You're kidnapped by a menace.
All you do is scream and yell,
You make Wax's life hell.

The second book, you're not any better,
You follow your date contract to the letter.
Even though you're free, no longer fettered,
You're a still a drag, a hate-getter.

Still a hate-getter, still a hate-getter...

Over the smallest things you fret.
You're someone even Harmony wants to forget!

Oh, you make lists?
How sweet.
Now list all the ways
You're beat.

All the ways you're beat, all the ways you're beat...

Now, if you think you're very smart,
Or brave in any way.
Then perhaps you should make a chart,
Of all you're mistakes (now on display!)

You're abrasive, obnoxious, easy to dislike.
Trying to get myself to like you is like a steep, uphill, hike.
Looking at your lines?
I'd rather have my eyes be spiked.

Eyes be spiked, eyes be spiked...

Because while you put on a dress and go to a ball,
I'm cutting down shades at the sight of nightfall.

While you stay behind Wax, 
and pretend to be strong.
I just pick up my axe, 
Prove all my critics wrong.

I'm the White Fox!
Can you even compare?
You'd just tend to your 'locks'
Try to fix your darn hair.

It must feel good,
You have three books (ooh!)
Yet with one novella,
I'm more developed than you.

Now to finish you off,
With a line sharper than blade.
Because at you, I scoff.
I'll roast you darker than a shade.

Darker than a Shade, darker than a Shade...

Urgh, Wayne,
Now I have to deal with you,
How is it my right to fight,
Someone who can't add two and two?

You're a small thief,
But you act all skilled,
Yet I think you forget,
If wasn't for Wax you'd be killed.

You'd be killed, you'd be killed...

You have an array of accents,
You disguise to misguide.
But there's one thing for sure,
From your past you can't hide.

And you murdered a father!
Are you proud of what you've done?
And now you stray to pay,
The orphaned daughter and son!

Face it, you're a criminal,
No forgiveness from me,
Though you wilt from your guilt,
You're still just as petty.

You're love-life's in strife!
Couldn't make it with Rannette?
You're into a Faceless, how shameless!
Not even a tinge of regret?

Tinge of regret, tinge of regret...

Oh, you picked up a gun, so brave.
With my hands alone, I've sent more to their grave.

More to their grave, more to their grave...

You tell jokes a lot.
But they're not funny, just bizarre.
'Cause you've got a low bar, you go way too far,
You're close but no cigar.

And your fetish for your hat,
Dude, what's up with that?
Sometimes, fat. Sometimes flat
It looks like a dead rat!

'Cause you're purposeless, Wayne,
You're just made for mindless laughs,
But when with reluctance we get into substance,
I beat you by paragraphs!

Beat you by paragraphs, beat you by paragraphs...

And now last (and least) Hrathen.
Surely you've always known,
That everyone reckons the lamest of weapons,
Is probably your own darn bone!

You made a special rap for me,
How sweet, I'll do the same.
But while yours was lame, mine'll go down in fame,
Let me speed-rap you out of this game.

Out of this game, out of this game...

Cause you're:

Afraid!
Have you prayed?
No more aid.
You're Wyrn's maid.
My rap will cut you like blade,
And the scars won't fade.
'Cause I'm on a whole other grade.
If you're a rock I'm shining Jade!
'Cause in danger your outplayed,
You're a kitten to a Shade.
You sabotaged your own raid!
And in turn you got slayed!
Maybe if you hadn't strayed,
From your faith you would've stayed,
Alive!
Now your remains are in an archive.
Oh, you strived,
To survive?
Well that took a nosedive!
If only you didn't connive,
To get Wyrn to contrive,
To invade everyone's lives,
You wouldn't be stuck in a grave, no way to revive!

No way to revive, no way to revive...

Oh, what's that, dear?
I have you outsmarted?
Well, take an ear 'cause I'll have you hear,
The fun's just only started!

It's only started, it's only started...

'Cause reading you is a chore, you're a freak, unrefined.
You're religion is a snore, what type of geek had it outlined?
Your costume? An eyesore, it reeks of ill-design.
You tried to join the Dakhor but were too weak for their kind.
Is your ego still sore? You were always meek, had no spine.
You're a subject of abhor, what's your technique? It's working fine.
Because you, I deplore. You doublespeak, you're no mastermind!
You're a religious fanatic bore, how bleak, but defined,
By you're militaristic adore, a boutique of your empty mind.

Boutique of your empty mind, boutique of your empty mind...

'Cause I'm Silence, baby!
The best of the best!
If you don't mind I think you'll find,
Y'all losers are the rest!

I got no powers,
Just my silver knife,
But not to boast but my roasts,
Could take you down with no strife.

So if you think you're hard enough, come take a go.
But beware: when Montane fights back, there won't be time to say "Oh!"

Time to say "Oh!", time to say "Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh!"

 

[Paranoid King]

5 hours ago, I think I am here. said:

Your religion is a snore

Spoiler

Now we just need Wayne to join in.

[Nohadon]

Sorry I’m late! Thanks for saving the best for last!

Spoiler

Oh, Steris. You sure you’re sane?

you tryin’ to swap words with master Wayne

you stay the same.

give me free reign.

Soon you’ll be given odium your pain!

You’re weak-willed and arrogant.

Part of a morally corrupt establishment.

You steal your tricks and quips from me!

my trades leave bost parties feeling blessed and free!

You’re a glider

I’m a slider

you’re a victim.

(of my roasts)

I’ll inflict em’

(I’ll make a toast)

To steris! The Morally corrupt, sociopathic and coercive woman that is trying to shackle my mate in chains thicker than silver.

Oh yeah, about that.

silence.

Lady you’re a cheat, you give people places to stay 

then follow them out so you can give em a quick slay

turn in their bounties every day

I wonder if you are able to pay.

for the damage I do to you, you see

you dont? Huh. Blind as can be.

maybe if you stopped murderin folks 

you’d have a couple friends to help you lick your woulds.

You’re humorless, futureless, roastless and hopeless

you’re Cool me down more than Hrathen’s! That’s a feat to admire!

Ah. Saved the worst for last.

hrathen’s gonna wish he was jn the past

have you see your god? 

I spoke with mine!

(Actually, I talked to the other guy)

you try to bring down nations and crush elantrians

when all you can do is fail to rhyme.

you see? That line was inspired by you.

if you’d make the effort to learn a word or two

it could be of use 

you could diffuse

But you’d get confused.

When I drop this rap bomb over your roof!

 

[Ashspren]

Here’s the link... 

https://goo.gl/forms/NijlY3APLR9DNCRq2

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[Ashspren]

And the winner of the final primary round is... @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, representing Steris! 

~~~ 

Let’s meet our first semifinal contenders: 

@Herowannabe, with Human the Koloss! 

@Felt, with Cultivation!

Good luck!

[Paranoid King]

Congrats, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine! That round was intense.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Thanks @Paranoid King, I totally thought you had that one! I almost even voted for you.

Awesome roasts too @I think I am here. and @Nohadon.

 

Excited for the Semifinals, Human vs Cultivation, time to grab some popcorn.

[+Ark1002]

I got some. I already threw some at nerds in a party, but I still got most.

[I think I am here.]

Congrats, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

[Silva]

Congratulations @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

This next round should be interesting...

Edited October 11, 2018 by Silva
Grammar