Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

Oh, dang. I'm not ready for this. And I've already lost a precious hour. 47 to go...

The Lopen may be in over his head, ganchos. This might lose me an arm.

[Wyndlerunner Tarachin Superstar]

I shall begin with a slight irony, I got @Firerust to participate, and now we must face each other. Anakin vs Obi-Wan anyone? Note: Views towards the characters roasted within are not necessarily my own.

Rap Contains OB spoilers

What's up y'all Jasnah's on the scene

Scholar, heretic, and your Radiant queen! 

Shallan says "You're Alethi beauty's perfection"

and I reply "Shallan, was that ever in question?" 

Ya'll saw how I put an end to Amaram's boastin' 

be prepared because now, I'm really starting roastin'!

Oh is that you Lopen? you aren't dead yet (well here's to hopin') 

You think you're cool Gancho, think you're funny and charming? 

Well you're not! I'm sorry, was that a little disarming? 

2nd Ideal Windrunner? You ain't even broken, me and many others really wish you'd be croakin'!

Szeth, Szeth, are you really gonna try? My name is Jasnah Kholin, you killed my father, prepare to die! 

You think your glowy eyes and your blade frighten me? and I ain't gonna lie, I got my Shardplate, and I'd like to see you try.

You claim that you're Truthless? Then I'm your antithesis! A Verisitalian- pursuit of truth is my game, and people believe me, not brand me insane.

A magic rock? You're kidding me right? you didn't even question if what you did was right? A lack of free will is the sign of a coward, go think on that whilst these truth-bombs I shower!

And finally Taln. Well you're running late, and just because you're last doesn't mean I think you great.

I've read about you and your many final stands- but sometimes death and glory isn't what's grand. 

You think you're here to help and I'm sorry to tell, that if you'd just die, then all would be well. 

You may complain and say it's above my station, but I'ma kill you and send you back to damnation!

You think you gave us time, well that's certainly true, 

say hello to my Shardblade, back to damnation for you!

This battle is over before it's even begun, just look and logically see that I've already won.

Jasnah Kholin has settled the score, to quote Ivory, I'm very HarmMore!

[Ark1002 Lerasium Mistborn]

Warning: Terrible roast to come

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

Oof. I feel so roasted. I will need at least a day to come up with one of my own. I've been busy with things, and I'm already doing lots of writing. So don't expect The Lopen's Victory to come just yet.

[Wyndlerunner Tarachin Superstar]

14 minutes ago, Firerust said:

Oof. I feel so roasted. I will need at least a day to come up with one of my own. I've been busy with things, and I'm already doing lots of writing. So don't expect The Lopen's Victory to come just yet.

I eagerly anticipate your comeback my friend.

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

4 minutes ago, Wyndlerunner said:

I eagerly anticipate your comeback my friend.

I'm particularly working on the one for you currently. Gotta say, it's definitely the easiest, my friend.

[Ark1002 Lerasium Mistborn]

Warning: Terrible roast hits 17th Shard.  Let the cringe begin.

Spoiler

I'm Taln, I'll warn, you would never survive what I have undergone

I am a herald unparalleled, master Stoneward, so prepare to get floored

I'm a piece of honor, you're a goner!

 

Jasnah, just shut your big maw, you're no more intelligent than my sister-in-law

I lead all of Roshar in crisis, what about you? I bet you need someone to help you chew.

Gone for months while it's most important, how can you be so self-absorbent?

Oh yay, Shardblade. If you think that's good I'll make you pay.

Scholar? I doubt you do much more than holler.

 

Lopen, I think you need a rope in.

Windrunner, I wonder, how you joined the number?

With one arm, on the bridge crew you did more help than harm

I don't got much because there isn't much. You haven't exactly done a bunch,

your useless, which bring us to the next contestant, the truthless!

 

Szeth, don't waste my breath, you're just a plot device for causing death

Skybreaker, like Nale, you might as well bail, otherwise you'll find your roasts quite stale

The only thing good about you is Nightblood, everything else is about as good as mud, sorry to say, you're worthless bud

Kicked out of Shinovar, blade the color of tar, you can't do anything but spar

 

So you see, I'm clearly superior, vote for me or you'll leave a lot tearier, I beat a lot of posterior!

 

Edited September 28, 2018 by Ark1002
Put in quote instead of spoiler

[Mistspren Ghostblood]

2 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said:

My name is Jasnah Kholin, you killed my father, prepare to die! 

This is gold. Wow.

[BitBitio Honorspren]

Let's. Do. This.

Spoiler

There is no need to spill your blood. 

I simply burn your eyes.

You'll then be buried in the mud.

And then your family dies.

 

I am Szeth, the Assassin in White

The slayer of Gavilar

I bring death, but first a fight.

But I needn't go far.

 

Dear old Taln, the abandoned one

Nobody cares for you

I mean, come on, you are no fun

Do you bring laughs? Maybe a few.

 

Held back the Fused for thousand years

Yet for you, none had any tears

Stonesinew, Herald of War 

You really are just such a bore

 

You don't have anything on me

You can't do anything, don't you see?

 

Lopen, friend, I think we both know 

That you have really gotta go. 

You were useless with only one arm

And still, with two, you can't do me harm!

 

Gancho, naco, all of that 

You sir, remind me of a rat.

Both of you are weak and ugly too

And frankly, both of you smell like poo!

 

You really are a total fail.

I'd roast you more, I really would

I mean, you ARE as slow as a snail.

Move onto the next person, I should.

 

Jasnah, Knight, not even a bother

Everyone knows you're a heretic and scholar.

Look at me! I killed your father.

I'm a total baller.

 

Oh look, you can Elsecall 

Well isn't that nice.

When you were playing with dolls

I was training on ice

 

I've learned ten surges, you've learned two.

And in the two you have I'm better than you.

I'm a Windrunner and Skybreaker rolled into one

When people see you they can't help but shun.

 

Give up you three

Let's call it a day

Come on, can't you see

I am better anyway?

 

If you need confirmation

Then you should go ask

The leaders of your nations 

You're not up to the task.

 

I am Szeth-son-son-Vallano, Assassin in White

You don't got no chance, so give up the fight.

 

Edited September 28, 2018 by BitBitio

[Herowannabe Most Ancient]

6 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Onto the next round...

@BitBitio, with Szeth! 

 

6 hours ago, BitBitio said:

THE PRESSURE IS ON.

I see what you did there

Edited September 28, 2018 by Herowannabe

[BitBitio Honorspren]

Just now, Herowannabe said:

 

I see what you did there

Yes! You got that! Upvotes to you, sir!

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

Okay, here we go:

Spoiler

Hey, hey, hey, all you ganchos and gons,

None of you is ready for what is coming on.

You think you can deal with me? That’s a mistake!

Only a matter of seconds before your hearts break.

 

Jasnah, Jazzy, Jazz, gon, you just don’t get it,

You can’t try to kill your cousin and pretend to forget it.

I know how to really treat my cousins right,

Because my first thought is love, not fight!

You gave Amaram some flack, sure, that’s true,

But it’s got nothing than what I’ve got on you!

You can hop across worlds and turn jam into slime,

But that’s got nothing on my record airtime!

You’re, sure, now the Alethi ruler too,

But I was the Alethi king long before you!

For your coronation, you got a teeny gold crown,

For my coronation, I got my arm regrown!

I got more cousins than you got brain,

And I actually know how to get profane!

I got a little spren that plays tag instead of talks,

All you got is a spren that compares you to rocks!

It took you your whole life to bond with your spren,

I could have done it when I was ten!

You’re only any good ‘cause you practiced for six years,

I needed days of practice to become what Voidbringers fear!

Too bad your beauty comes only from your bod,

And your kingdom is the only thing you have to boast,

And it’s too bad you don’t worship any god,

Or else you’d worship me as the God of Roast!

Now sit down, don’t cry, go back to your room,

That your papa locked you up in cuz you’re so messed up.

Cuz everything that’s cool about me fills a throne room,

You’re amount of coolness just fits into a cup.

Oh sure, you lit some ganchos and turned them into fire,

But you can’t do that to this guy who’s ON FIRE!

 

 

Szeth, your name is longer than your sword,

And don’t scramble to your master to whine!

You obey whoever holds your little magic rock,

Gancho, when will you just grow a spine?

You’re just as cool as the hair on your head,

Which pretty much means your cool factor’s dead.

You walk on walls when you feel like killing kings,

When there’s so much more you can do with these things!

I run on the winds cuz Stormfather lets me fly,

You cheated and took a sword from an old king guy!

You listen to bad men tell you where to go,

Cuz bein’ a coward is just your M.O.

Oh? You got another sword? That a Herald gave to you?

A dumb talking sword that can’t even count to two!

But that’s okay, cuz it’s better than you,

At least it has the sense to throw some shade on you, too!

You can’t face the truth, you just try to hide!

Is that why your big eyes are always so wide?

You look like a baby! And you act like one too!

Just get your act together, what is wrong with you?

You hop around wearing white rags, so tacky!

You think you look good in that? Man, you’re wacky!

You’re the slayer of kings? Well, you missed this one!

I was the king of Alethkar when you were dying, gon!

I get all the ladies, while you just get the hate.

Think you can top me? Hey, don’t challenge fate!

Go back where you belong, with the other baby faces,

Cuz you’re just too pale to blend with other races.

Did you just figure out that only I can win?

Man, that must really be a kick in the Shin!

 

Taln, or the man who calls himself that,

You look like you got dragged in by the cat!

What happened to your clothes, your hair, your brain?

I’ve heard less broken words coming outta Rlain!

You think it’s cool to slice down city gates? How rude!

And you expect people to listen to you? You prude!

You’re crazy, you’re stupid, you’re stubborn to a fault,

You couldn’t even handle that last Voidbringer assault!

You died when no one else did, got all lonely on Braize,

Giving Odium lots of time to plan his Roshar Raze.

How do we even know you’re not a traitor at all?

What if your sob story is just a tale that’s tall?

You gave up and gave in when the going got tough,

And the times you fought back still just weren’t enough!

Your Herald ganchos left you, not out of fear

Cuz the very thought of you made them go “Oh dear,

Don’t wanna spend more centuries stuck with this clown,

We better let him suffer and get outta town!”

Now that’s bad friendship, but it was smart,

Cuz no one wants to be with you, old fart!

Sure, you caught a whizzing poisonous dart,

To stop them from poking Amaram’s stone heart.

You saved a bad guy’s life! He just did worse stuff!

Is that what you call being a hero, Mister Buff?

You gotta lotta muscle, but no brain to compute,

I bet those poking Voidbringers think you’re a hoot.

Now ‘scuse me, gotta save people’s lives,

Cuz that’s what real Knights Radiant do,

You’re not a Radiant, you’re a fossil and a joke.

You won’t even make to Roasts Round Two!

 

Because I am the Lopen, the one and only one!

 

The only one who knows the real meaning of fun!

 

No one dares to correct me, question me, or sigh,

 

Because they know that only the best can fly!

 

You all are more boring than a chull in a race,

 

And people love me because I put smiles on their face!

 

So serious and mean, no wonder you’ve no fans!

 

You can’t even hold yourselves up with your own two hands!

 

A one-armed Herdazian tops ten Vedens with two,

 

And a zero-armed Herdazian will still beat YOU!

 

So when you want to get roasted by the Lopen,

 

Don’t even bother knocking, THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN!

I wasted sooo much time on this, ugh. Look what you made me do instead of homework, haha...

Edited September 28, 2018 by Firerust
Fixing grammar and and sentence pacing a bit

[Ink Full Feruchemist]

That was amazing @Firerust! Made me laugh and get weird looks from everyone else on the bus.

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

Thanks! 

Glad to publicly embarrass you! That's all four of us now, right?

[Wyndlerunner Tarachin Superstar]

A good retaliation, @Firerust my old friend. Although I must digress from the opinions of Jasnah expressed therein

[Ashspren Midnight Essence]

Excellent roasts, everyone! 

https://goo.gl/forms/siwwDK4RNkBSAHUF2

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[Borio Singaldi Savant]

Quick question: What are the ethics of voting for oneself in this competition?!

[Wyndlerunner Tarachin Superstar]

1 minute ago, Firerust said:

Quick question: What are the ethics of voting for oneself in this competition?!

It's entirely ethical

[Ark1002 Lerasium Mistborn]

1 hour ago, Wyndlerunner said:

It's entirely ethical

I fully agree. I would personally say it is the most ethical option!

[Box Turtle Bridgeman]

14 hours ago, Firerust said:

I wasted sooo much time on this, ugh.

Definitely not a waste XD I enjoyed all of these greatly.  Besides, who needs homework?

Edited September 29, 2018 by Box Turtle

[Box Turtle Bridgeman]

4 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said:

It's entirely ethical

I wholeheartedly agree. Gosh, voting for this is extremely difficult, you all did so good!

 

[Box Turtle Bridgeman]

On 9/27/2018 at 6:54 PM, Ark1002 said:

Szeth, don't waste my breath, you're just a plot device for causing death

This is actually the greatest line I have ever read in my life XD

[Kidpen Midnight Essence]

 

6 minutes ago, Box Turtle said:

I wholeheartedly agree. Gosh, voting for this is extremely difficult, you all did so good!

 

 

5 minutes ago, Box Turtle said:

This is actually the greatest line I have ever read in my life XD

Hey, box turtle, FYI, the mods get grumpy when you post twice in a row. You can use multi quote to quote multiple people in the same post. Not a huge deal, but keep it in mind for the future! 

[Ark1002 Lerasium Mistborn]

43 minutes ago, Box Turtle said:

This is actually the greatest line I have ever read in my life XD

Huh! Someone actually likes something I wrote.

[Sorana Tarachin Superstar]

2 hours ago, Ark1002 said:

Huh! Someone actually likes something I wrote.

I somehow believe we had this discussion with your last rap as well