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Robinski - 180716 - AK Dead Horse - Part 6 - 3641 words (LSE)


Robinski

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Hiya, hiya, hiya!!

Here is Submission 7, which is Part 6, because of the time I went back a step. This certainly progresses events (I feel that is certain), but does it hold the interest, unfold the background, add to the tension, and does it entertain? Does it progress events quickly enough?

As ever, any and all comments will be most welcome. Thank for the encouragement to date from all who have critiqued.

Best, Robinski

p.s. This submission is brought to you by the letters 'L' for naughty language; 'S' for sexual situation(s); and 'E', which is for erotic content, because I thought maybe it was a touch steamier than my usual fare. You have been warned...

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This was a decent section--more character building than plot. It does make things slow down a bit, though. I was expecting to get to him playing the instrument in this section.

I think it holds the interest, unfolds the background, and entertains, but I don't feel like it adds much tension, and progressing events is honestly a little shaky as well.

I'm still not on board with J and C's relationship. It might just be me, but I don't get a real sense of attraction between the two. It seems defined more in "I shouldn't be feeling X" rather than "I am feeling X."


Notes while reading:
pg 55: "I didn’t feel anything in particular, "
--this is still sort of a letdown with the tiger bones. Right now we have no confirmation they do anything.

pg 56: "“Your secret’s safe"
--nice little character building for P

pg 58: Good adjustment for C. At least we know a little more about her now.

pg 62: better chemistry here with J and C, but I still don't completely buy the two of them. What is it that attracts them? Why? Maybe it's just me...

pg 64: "Whether through adeptness or just plain old memory"
--still not very thrilling, unless the tiger bones are fake or soemthing and not working at all.

pg 64: “Not you,” 
--why not? the man seems to accept J right after.
--Or does he mean J shouldn't go with the others? Regardless, it's unclear.

pg 66: “Bring your instrument. We’re going to the salon.”
--so why did he accept the invitation to play in the first place, again? I still don't see how he's going to slip away from an audience of 30 people. Seems like they will escort him out just like they escorted him in.

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Thanks for including all the previous chapters so I could catch up.

Anyway, if shouldn't surprise you that I will be discussing bone marrow. It's a cool, if weird concept for a magic system. The impression I got overall was that it's not a grand system full of fireballs (like your protagonist explicitly states) and mostly minor(ish) benefits that need to be utilized properly. Each animal has a unique power which may/may not be associated with said animal, which is fine, because magic. Also, next point: You can't get bone marrow from an old grave. I'm not completely sure (despite looking it up) but my best guess is that in controlled conditions, maybe a month, raw earth, two weeks at most. Also also, birds do have bone marrow (despite the whole 'hollow bone' thing) but it's tiny compared to what you'd get in femurs from any large animal. What power does human marrow give, and can a caster use their own marrow? I do think it's cool, and I like how well you've integrated the world so that sneaking bones is now a major criminal offense (If I had to harbor a guess, I would think vegetarianism is more popular here, if only out of practicality). I just have a lot of questions about it, that's all.

Let me give you my impressions some of the characters: MC (Main Character): I don't know if I like him yet. This might sound a bit weird, but he's not flagrantly evil enough for me to cheer him being a rogue, and he's not exactly a 'good person' either. You've definitely set him up to have some kind of moral crisis at some point, which I am interested in when that happens, but not so much now. I am interested in the heist, especially with him promising a double-cross, but it's more for the scene and less for the actors. In other words, good slate, but I have no personal investment.

Ch :I'd rather the focus on her interactions be more on the philosophy side, though, that said, she hasn't expressed anything to drive up her status from being a sidekick. Simple honest motivation and straightforward character with a hint of tragic backstory that she gets over a bit too quickly for my taste. Reliable as a secondary character, but I would vastly prefer a plucky sidekick like M from your old Q & M submissions. (Do you still do those? I kind of liked them.) The rest of the characters are good. I mean, I sped-read the chapters they were in so I can't comment any further than I liked them, aside from the fact that I liked Ga the most out of them.

To answer your questions: Yes, it holds interest (I like heists. Who doesn't like a good heist?), it unfolds the background with character interaction, but I didn't get any more of the setting from it, I didn't really get any tension? Your primary characters' motivation (currently) is the need for sweet lucre, and this is just them furthering an already-established plot to get it. (That could just be me, though). As for entertainment, that's an odd choice of words for a chapter with that much wood cutting, but I am interested in reading more, so I'll say yes for that as well. In terms of events quick wasn't the term that came to mind (again, the whole wood cutting thing.) but i liked it all the same.

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This section went by too quickly in a  good way! The voice and character are really coming alive now and I want to keep reading. I think the things you mentioned in the foot notes do a raise the stakes. I want to read more!! 

Here are some thoughts as I read:

"Couldn't show up with my..." This first line threw me off. Why couldn't he show up with it? 

"...your arms. There you..." This seems like it came out of nowhere. Why would she think that? And wasn't she the one that started the flirting to begin with?

"feast after the efforts..." The description of the food was well done because it made me really hungry. 

"but sickening the light of..." In this section, I noticed I was really drawn into the voice and description. In a moment so peaceful it was almost magical, you reminded me of the stakes without pulling me out of the moment and did something I fail to do all the time -- you showed strong emotion in the character. 

"inlet. The gardens" The exact comment I wrote while reading was "nice time passage montage" 

Levee You use this word three times really close together.

"Sank into the cooling water..." Was this supposed to be the erotic part? It was sexual, but it faded to black before it got real steamy. When I hear the word erotic, I think all the details about the act...granted, I don't need the details. However, I am wondering if they were doing the deed in the deep water and are extremely skilled at swimming and erotic things (maybe there is a marrow for this?) or if they went to shallow water... anyway, I think what is here is appropriate and not gratuitous. 

"was now a mess" Aside from the government getting involved, it seems to be going pretty smoothly. And I'm not convinced his stroke of luck was actually luck at all, or him subconsciously figuring out something useful -- like he expected kids or a maid would be there even though he didn't realize it, though the fact that they wanted him to play was in no way planned, but him showing up at that place seemed more to do with forgotten memories...or maybe the forgotten memories were about the pet cemetery. But really, the job is going so smoothly that I am on edge waiting for the other shoe to fall (that is an expression, right? Sometimes I mess those up).  

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Thank you, as ever, for reading, @Mandamon, very much appreciated.

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I was expecting to get to him playing the instrument in this section.

Yes. To be honest, that's where I was headed, but I thought I would stop where I did because it felt right, keeping this part shorter, and letting me get a good run at the next bit. I'm pleased that it still seems to be have been fairly effective.

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think it holds the interest, unfolds the background, and entertains, but I don't feel like it adds much tension, and progressing events is honestly a little shaky as well.

Yup. I must agree. If anything, it will get a little shorter, I think, as I pare down language and description in the edit.

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'm still not on board with J and C's relationship. It might just be me, but I don't get a real sense of attraction between the two. It seems defined more in "I shouldn't be feeling X" rather than "I am feeling X."

This is invaluable, and again, I can see where you are coming from. My aim is to tackle this in the edit, so I can see the whole span of the story. I feel like I know what to add in terms of internal recognition and acknowledgment of feelings. I like the idea of how the relationship is defined. I feel like that is a good area to explore.

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 55: "I didn’t feel anything in particular, "
--this is still sort of a letdown with the tiger bones. Right now we have no confirmation they do anything.

There is a longer arc around this element. Reaction noted, for now. I might need to retune later, but will keep going for now.

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 62: better chemistry here with J and C, but I still don't completely buy the two of them. What is it that attracts them? Why? Maybe it's just me..

Okay, okay. That's progress :) 

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 64: "Whether through adeptness or just plain old memory"
--still not very thrilling, unless the tiger bones are fake or soemthing and not working at all.

Noted.

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 64: “Not you,” 
--why not? the man seems to accept J right after.
--Or does he mean J shouldn't go with the others? Regardless, it's unclear.

Clarified. Thanks.

13 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--so why did he accept the invitation to play in the first place, again? I still don't see how he's going to slip away from an audience of 30 people. Seems like they will escort him out just like they escorted him in.

Fair comment. Is it about getting in easily, but I now have him acknowledging the difficulty of staying in the house. I need to work on an appropriate pretext for later.

Huge thanks. Some great challenges here that will make the logic stronger thumbs-up.jpg.30d57c7faf1f167f1a309c5121e12bda.jpg

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Hey Aeromancer, great to have your comments on this, and thank you enormously for taking the time to catch up.

I am also delighted to have your comments on the magic system. That's an area that, after some basic ideas, I've sort of been developing as I go along. To some extent it's been shaped by the story, which might be a risky strategy, but I'll certainly need to overhaul some aspects in Edit#1.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

It's a cool, if weird concept for a magic system. The impression I got overall was that it's not a grand system full of fireballs (like your protagonist explicitly states) and mostly minor(ish) benefits that need to be utilized properly. Each animal has a unique power which may/may not be associated with said animal, which is fine, because magic.

So far, so good. Essentially true. I'm keen not to have a big expositional passage about magic, but might try and drop some snippets of 'building' into the story in dialogue. Groups of animals have effects that are related. So, bovine, ovine, equine, feline, canine, etc. Thus, the bird 'family' (avians) has a range of somewhat different effects, but all related to the senses.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Also, next point: You can't get bone marrow from an old grave. I'm not completely sure (despite looking it up) but my best guess is that in controlled conditions, maybe a month, raw earth, two weeks at most.

Great point, and reveals the level of my research/thought on this. I can retcon this to his finding a new(wish) grave in the cemetery. Feels more contrived, but I want to keep it as much based in 'reality' as I can.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Also also, birds do have bone marrow (despite the whole 'hollow bone' thing) but it's tiny compared to what you'd get in femurs from any large animal

Cool. I can live with this. This is the sort of thing I feel I can just do and the reader will have no real argument for not accepting it, because, magic (as you said) :) 

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

What power does human marrow give, and can a caster use their own marrow?

Ah-ha... maybe we learn that in the course of the story; maybe we will not :ph34r: 

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

I do think it's cool, and I like how well you've integrated the world so that sneaking bones is now a major criminal offense (If I had to harbor a guess, I would think vegetarianism is more popular here, if only out of practicality). I just have a lot of questions about it, that's all.

Perfect, and I should be able to answer all of those questions, whether they are in the story or not. My thought was to have the outline of the system, write the story, then go back and tighten uptake magic system based on the outcomes of the story, and also all the questions that come back about the system. Ask away!

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

MC (Main Character): I don't know if I like him yet. This might sound a bit weird, but he's not flagrantly evil enough for me to cheer him being a rogue, and he's not exactly a 'good person' either. You've definitely set him up to have some kind of moral crisis at some point, which I am interested in when that happens, but not so much now. I am interested in the heist, especially with him promising a double-cross, but it's more for the scene and less for the actors. In other words, good slate, but I have no personal investment.

Interesting. This might be improved when I go back in Edit#1 and revise some of the stuff around his family. You have read the most up to date version of the text of course, and are on the only person to do so, since I've been tweaking earlier sections as comments arise, but not resubmitting them. I also feel the need to interpose some addition internal thought process, which might improve the feeling for J.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Ch :I'd rather the focus on her interactions be more on the philosophy side, though, that said, she hasn't expressed anything to drive up her status from being a sidekick. Simple honest motivation and straightforward character with a hint of tragic backstory that she gets over a bit too quickly for my taste. Reliable as a secondary character

Okay. I'm comfortable with that at this stage. I won't say any more just now. 

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

I would vastly prefer a plucky sidekick like M from your old Q & M submissions. (Do you still do those? I kind of liked them.)

I'm glad you 'kind of liked them' ( :lol: ). Q & M are on hiatus at the moment. I'm about 2/3rds through their second novel, but stopped subbing it to do this novella for the Tor.com open door, which I will now miss, but hey-ho. I full intend to go back to Q & M. The first novel, TMM, was rejected by AngryRobot, but I'd like to sub it/query it elsewhere. I also have revisions to do to TMM. I've had one beta read of it, but had another two lined up with have not materialised. I will return to TCC after this story, and I have an outline for TRR, which is the 3rd Q & M novel, plus an idea for a novella (TFF).

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

The rest of the characters are good. I mean, I sped-read the chapters they were in so I can't comment any further than I liked them, aside from the fact that I liked Ga the most out of them.

Interesting, very interesting.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Yes, it holds interest (I like heists. Who doesn't like a good heist?), it unfolds the background with character interaction, but I didn't get any more of the setting from it, I didn't really get any tension?

Okay: good and good. In relation to the tension, I'm going back in Edit#1 to add one or possible two ticking clocks, so I plan to ramp up the tension more consistently throughout.

13 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Your primary characters' motivation (currently) is the need for sweet lucre, and this is just them furthering an already-established plot to get it. (That could just be me, though).

Again, I agree that there is some work to do to strengthen the character motivations for doing the job.

On 17/07/2018 at 6:34 PM, aeromancer said:

As for entertainment, that's an odd choice of words for a chapter with that much wood cutting, but I am interested in reading more, so I'll say yes for that as well. In terms of events quick wasn't the term that came to mind (again, the whole wood cutting thing.) but i liked it all the same.

Good. I'll take that at this early, pre-edit stage.

Thank you again for reading the whole thing, Aeromancer. Much appreciated :)

<R>

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21 hours ago, Robinski said:

Ask away!

Well, since you asked me: Does marrow derived from different bones in the same animal have different properties, i.e. suppose a bone gave you strength. Would you need to suck marrow from the respective bones for strength to that area (femur for leg strength, humerus for arm strength, etc.)? Does the marrow need to be pure, or can it be extracted and cooked into something like a wafer, or pickled to give rise to a magic drink? Do fantastic beast exist, and does their marrow yield fantastic properties? Is fish marrow useful? If so, what about cartilage-based fish (i.e. sharks)? What about ancient, preserved marrow, extracted from amber (a la Jurassic Park) or from oil (La Brea tar pits)? I would assume that they would have unique powers, but be flawed, in line with their partially preserved status.

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Hey, thank you so much for reading, @shatteredsmooth.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

This section went by too quickly in a  good way! The voice and character are really coming alive now and I want to keep reading. I think the things you mentioned in the foot notes do a raise the stakes. I want to read more!! 

:D

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"Couldn't show up with my..." This first line threw me off. Why couldn't he show up with it?

It's a call back to his excuse for leaving the group in the last section. He was supposed to be going to the shed on the beach to store it while he was working, but didn't. I think I'll run with this for now and see how a complete beta read finds it. I'm open to changing it as it's not the strongest section opening.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

...your arms. There you..." This seems like it came out of nowhere. Why would she think that? And wasn't she the one that started the flirting to begin with?

I've tweaked this bit, but also will test the relationship logic in a complete edit, as I can accept the relationship stuff is maybe not completely 'logic' yet.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"feast after the efforts..." The description of the food was well done because it made me really hungry. 

LOL - yes, I think I was hungry when I wrote it :lol: 

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"but sickening the light of..." In this section, I noticed I was really drawn into the voice and description. In a moment so peaceful it was almost magical, you reminded me of the stakes without pulling me out of the moment and did something I fail to do all the time -- you showed strong emotion in the character.

Well of course that's exactly what I was trying to do, totally planned :unsure:. Seriously though, thank you. It's so pleasing when something 'lands' for someone.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"inlet. The gardens" The exact comment I wrote while reading was "nice time passage montage"

Thank you. It's something I do too infrequently. There are times in my writing when I'm sure readers are begging for a montage but they get another four pages of 'stuff'. I must try and do it more, but I'm particularly conscious that this is a novella, and therefore I don't get to mark time with narrative.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Levee You use this word three times really close together.

Thanks. I had been using 'dam', but realised it didn't really invoke the impression of an earth embankment. I've fixed that.

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"Sank into the cooling water..." Was this supposed to be the erotic part?

Yeah, I reflected after posting the message that perhaps I was over-egging the pudding, and that really it was very 'E' after all. Must just be my prudish nature ( :blink: ).

On 18/07/2018 at 0:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"was now a mess" Aside from the government getting involved, it seems to be going pretty smoothly... But really, the job is going so smoothly that I am on edge waiting for the other shoe to fall (that is an expression, right? Sometimes I mess those up).

I think that's a valid use of the expression. I always have to think about that one too. I like your thought process there, and won't say any more about that. Actually, quite unusually for me--okay, very unusually--I've jumped ahead and written two later sections of the story after being pushed into it by pressure of ideas and feeling I had to get them down. So, I know where I'm going to some extent, which is not always the case. There's a full novel in this 'universe' that I wrote a couple of years back, although it's in a different town, a lot of years in the past, and it has a different magic system because... [***BREACH OF CONTINUITY: PLOT POLICE HAVE BEEN ALERTED AND ARE ATTENDING YOUR LOCATION. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FLEE THE SCENE***]

Ahem. Anyway, great comments. Thank you so much. I've fixed some stuff there and thanks for calling the relationship issue. That's going to shadow me through this first draft, I'm sure, but I'll get a good thorough refresh of it in Edit#1.

thumbs-up.jpg.f6aee8c747186c3295a09c89a327a886.jpg

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I did ask, didn't I? (Note to self: in future, don't ask!)

  1. Does marrow derived from different bones in the same animal have different properties, i.e. suppose a bone gave you strength. - Not at the moment, but I'm going to acquire that notion from you (I pay 0.001% per idea, so when I make $1M in sales, I'll send you a cheque for $1,000!!! - actually, £770)
  2. Would you need to suck marrow from the respective bones for strength to that area (femur for leg strength, humerus for arm strength, etc.)? - Interesting notion, and I'll admit I envisaged the system being so prescriptive. It's in doubt at the moment how closely the ability links to the characteristics of the animal at all. This all needs refined, which I have can-of-worms-ed to Edit#1
  3. Does the marrow need to be pure, or can it be extracted and cooked into something like a wafer, or pickled to give rise to a magic drink? - It doesn't have to be pure, in fact, @industrialistDragon gave me an excellent analysis of process which I must try and capture in my revisions.
  4. Do fantastic beast exist, and does their marrow yield fantastic properties? - Ah-ha. There was a little wailing and gnashing of teeth (ooh, pun intended) when it was revealed that there are no magical creatures in this setting. My rationale is that I want to keep as close to (gritty) reality as possible, after the initial ridiculous proposition of the magic system.
  5. Is fish marrow useful? If so, what about cartilage-based fish (i.e. sharks)? - Fish, yes. Sharks, nope. No marrow, no show.
  6. What about ancient, preserved marrow, extracted from amber (a la Jurassic Park) or from oil (La Brea tar pits)? I would assume that they would have unique powers, but be flawed, in line with their partially preserved status. - Ha-ha. I doubt anyone knows the answer to that. If I get to Book 10, I may have to come back to this notion!

Thanks for asking, @aeromancer. Much appreciated.

<R>

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7 hours ago, Robinski said:

It's a call back to his excuse for leaving the group in the last section. He was supposed to be going to the shed on the beach to store it while he was working,

OK -- that makes sense. I just somehow missed that or forgot. Probably wouldn't have gotten confused if I was reading straight through. 

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Yo, @Majestic Fox.

Firstly, apologies that I am only now getting to your LBLs on this submission. My superpower is tardiness. It doesn't have many practical applications :unsure: 

Anyhow, there are some great comments in there, and I have made some changes to Part 5. This one in particular...

"A formless doubt? Has he just eaten his own dog from a forgotten past life? That would be funny. He becomes more dull to me, if he’s fluffy about animals…doesn’t seem to sit right with what you’ve shown me of his attitude. I actually loose empathy for him, even though I personally try to avoid a killing a even a biting mosquito."

You're spot on there, of course, and I've changed that reaction up. Thanks for calling me on that, that reaction is not in character at all.

Secondly, where the heck are you, bro? Hope things are okay. We're missing your insight and your colourful and intriguing story.

Edited by Robinski
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ACK! DEAD HORSE! the sex scene edition. SO PREPARED.

Overall

Hmm. I think it was a bit slow to start, and some superfluous descriptions. The bathing scene was good, although I think you could bring the sexual tension, specifically, out a lot more between this sub and the last one. How close are we to the end? I do have anticipation for the actual heist, and getting into the house was excellent.

On 7/17/2018 at 10:25 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm still not on board with J and C's relationship. It might just be me, but I don't get a real sense of attraction between the two. It seems defined more in "I shouldn't be feeling X" rather than "I am feeling X."

I go back and forth on it. Sometimes it's spot on, sometimes it feels forced. It felt a bit forced in this one, and I think that might be because it needs to go just a shade slower. Like, their scene in the water could just be a kiss and maybe a caress or something, thereby keeping the tension high through the heist (and giving them a chance to have hurried sex or something during the heist??)

On 7/17/2018 at 4:57 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

skilled at swimming and erotic things (maybe there is a marrow for this?)

OMG please let this be a thing! Also agree that the fade to black probably didn't even need a warning tag. Very tame.

 

As I go

- page 58: I like C. I really like her. As such, I'd like her to have a better reason for not throwing herself into MC's arms than her dead husband. Having a dead husband is fine, but she's developing as a reasonably detailed human. I'd prefer something more like: "And you want to know why I don't throw myself into your arms? They're hairy" Or something that doesn't imply that she'd just go for any guy if she wasn't mourning. You can keep all the same dialogue, and imply what you are currently stating, but I C deserves more self-respect than that

- page 65: "the short, brown-skinned stopped." Missing a noun, and we've already noted the color of his skin. Suggest instead "the short man." Otherwise you're doing that thing that Island in the Sea of Time does where it just calls out otherness constantly.

 

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On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

Hmm. I think it was a bit slow to start, and some superfluous descriptions. The bathing scene was good, although I think you could bring the sexual tension, specifically, out a lot more between this sub and the last one. How close are we to the end? I do have anticipation for the actual heist, and getting into the house was excellent.

Yeah. I'll trim the description a bit. Check on the sexual tension. More than half-way.I'd say maybe 2/3rds at the end of this section. I'm glad some parts are working, so I know which bits not to break!

On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

I go back and forth on it. Sometimes it's spot on, sometimes it feels forced. It felt a bit forced in this one, and I think that might be because it needs to go just a shade slower. Like, their scene in the water could just be a kiss and maybe a caress or something, thereby keeping the tension high through the heist (and giving them a chance to have hurried sex or something during the heist??)

Hmm. I will cogitate on this. it's a good suggestion, and I did actually have in mind such a liaison at a particular moment in Part 8.

On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

OMG please let this be a thing!

Heh. Again, this is for another novella!! In fact, I need to revamp the magic system. I've got the bones of it (:lol:) down, but I'm not mad keen on the internal consistency, and it lacks elegance and symmetry. It's missing an ingredient, an element, something. @aeromancer prodded my with some good testing questions. I'm going to look at the whole system again before the edit.

On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

Also agree that the fade to black probably didn't even need a warning tag. Very tame.

Yeah. Not entirely sure what happened there. I went into the scene intending to make it more steamy than it turned out, and somehow it didn't happen, didn't feel right. And yet, I guess I managed to convince myself I was still going further than I usually would. Apologies for the let down ;) I will reconsider this scene in the context of your comments above, and a potential additional scene in Part 8.

On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

Or something that doesn't imply that she'd just go for any guy if she wasn't mourning. You can keep all the same dialogue, and imply what you are currently stating, but I C deserves more self-respect than that

The fact is this is not the actual reason. So, I need to flag better that Ch is dissembling. I've tweaked the conversation a bit, maybe it's better. I'll review this carefully.

On 01/08/2018 at 1:33 AM, kais said:

Suggest instead "the short man." Otherwise you're doing that thing that Island in the Sea of Time does where it just calls out otherness constantly.

Done. Thanks for the call out.

Good, challenging comments. Thank you :) 

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On 27/07/2018 at 11:21 AM, Robinski said:

Yo, @Majestic Fox.

Firstly, apologies that I am only now getting to your LBLs on this submission. My superpower is tardiness. It doesn't have many practical applications :unsure: 

Anyhow, there are some great comments in there, and I have made some changes to Part 5. This one in particular...

"A formless doubt? Has he just eaten his own dog from a forgotten past life? That would be funny. He becomes more dull to me, if he’s fluffy about animals…doesn’t seem to sit right with what you’ve shown me of his attitude. I actually loose empathy for him, even though I personally try to avoid a killing a even a biting mosquito."

You're spot on there, of course, and I've changed that reaction up. Thanks for calling me on that, that reaction is not in character at all.

Secondly, where the heck are you, bro? Hope things are okay. We're missing your insight and your colourful and intriguing story.

Great! 

I'm alive, writing. I'm trying out a rougher form of drafting (the one we spoke about, where you summarise a part of a chapter if its slowing you down). Just got back from family holiday so will be sending you more feedback soon.

Hope everyone is well, and writing : ) 

 

 

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