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Robinski - 180710 - AK Dead Horse - Part 5 - 4090 words (LGD)


Robinski

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Sorry for putting this up before I have responded to the critiques from last week, but I am trying hard to keep on track and push myself to put words on the board.

L for the usual reasons; D because I feel there are certain themes and actions that evoke drug-taking; and G which perhaps is more for gross, than gore, but there is still some icky stuff in there to do with bones.

As always, any and all comments are very much appreciated.

<R>

p.s. Apologies if there is anything in this that was commented on last week, but I haven't read yet in the Part 4 comments.

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This one was a bit rougher, mainly in prose and blocking, and where everything was going. There were several times I was confused just because the wording was vague. I'm also put off by J robbing the pet cemetery, and really, why it's even there in a culture like this. Seems like people would have a different relationship with pets if some fraction of them can suck their bones and start flying, or whatever...

Also, might be WRS, as that seemed to hit hard today, but how exactly does J playing for children help steal the information? I thought he was just going to sneak in, and now he would be surrounded by children.

Notes while reading:
pg 41: "including C’s band"
--probably WRS, but how is C's band there when J just jumped down from the moving wagon?

pg 41: "The rest of you remain here and Master I here "
--repeated "here"

pg 42: "P’s suddenly familiar voice rang out."
--it's not sudden if J's alreayd relaized he's familiar

pg 43: J not telling the others about recognizing P seems a bit plotful, but I'll accept it for now...there's not a whole lot of likelyhood of gardners meeting the manor's owner.

pg 44: "Was I still planning to hold out on them with the take"
--wait, was he? WRS? And if so, then why is he hurt by her disbelieving him?

pg 45: "The short man associated with floral perfume around us with death and loss"
--a bit tell-y

pg 45: "the trees here had suffered the full brunt of the storm"
--what storm?
"Our task is to clear all the fallen branches and boughs, clear dead leaves, and comb all the debris from the pond"
--ok, this must be WRS from the setup for the job. Hitting me hard today...

pg 46: "I saw the point, and chided myself for missing it"
--The point of what?
--Edit: oh, is he sneaking off already? Wouldn't that be very suspicious?

pg 48: "I was already taking far too long without this"
--without what? There's a lot of vague writing in this submission.

pg 49: "A pet cemetery!"
--that seems...problematic, in this culture. Random vagabonds climbing in your garden to dig up the favorite family pet? Plus, doesn't it take time for J to prepare the bones?
"Working with the tool, I ate the marrow from one half of the broken bone."
--ah, I guess not.

pg 52: Huh, yeah stealing pet bones seems pretty low. I think we need a good explanation for how helpful insight will be rather than it might help remember where he's seen someone before.

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Hey man, thanks for reading and commenting. Good challenging stuff, as always :) 

Roughness, yes, fair enough. It was rushed in a bit at the end. I like to try and make at least a second pass before submitting, but I'm not producing the words quickly enough on to do that and keep pace.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

I'm also put off by J robbing the pet cemetery, and really, why it's even there in a culture like this. Seems like people would have a different relationship with pets if some fraction of them can suck their bones and start flying, or whatever...

I could make all sorts of blithe comments about how long casting has been in existence, but that would not really answer the question, so I'll need to take this away and think about it. I appreciate it will be unpalatable to a fair few people, but I feel like it is 'on tone' for the story.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

how exactly does J playing for children help steal the information?

Legitimate reason to be in the house but, as you say, is that such a big deal when they would 'just' break in anyway? I think I will play up the fact that it is not so easy to break in.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

how is C's band there when J just jumped down from the moving wagon?

Hopefully WRS. They had already jumped down.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

And if so, then why is he hurt by her disbelieving him?

I've made him question his reaction more closely.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 45: "the trees here had suffered the full brunt of the storm"
--what storm?

I will need to foreshadow the storm better. I accept it's not clear. It happened in the week after J got out, before the first meeting.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

--Edit: oh, is he sneaking off already? Wouldn't that be very suspicious?

Maybe, but he is practically spoon fed the chance.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 48: "I was already taking far too long without this"
--without what? There's a lot of vague writing in this submission.

The delay talking to the children. Clarified, I hope.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 49: "A pet cemetery!"
--that seems...problematic, in this culture. Random vagabonds climbing in your garden to dig up the favorite family pet? Plus, doesn't it take time for J to prepare the bones?

Ideally they would be 'cooked', but they can function at a lower level (66%?) by eating it raw. It think it might be clearer in the previous sections, as I've been back-editing as we go. Hopefully so, and an alpha read will pick these points up.

On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 52: Huh, yeah stealing pet bones seems pretty low. I think we need a good explanation for how helpful insight will be rather than it might help remember where he's seen someone before.

Low, yes. He's no angel. Explanation, yes, that seems reasonable. I've have added some.

Thank you very much for the comments. Some things there I really do need to think about, and some more clarity gained, I think :) 

Edited by Robinski
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Sent LBLs. 

This one wasn't as strong for me. Couple of issues...

1. Nothing much happens for the first 80% 

2. Instead of delightful, opinionated prose, we get long passages of what seems like pretty irrelevant description. 

J’s opinion, when we get it, is probably the single most entertaining thing in this story for me. It’s what gives voice, attitude and humour to your story. More of it please.

 

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Overall, I liked this chapter. I don’t have many complaints about structure, character or logic. I was engaged through out. I got a little caught up in some of the decription, but it was pretty and made me wish I could really go explore these grounds, so for me, it was a good kind of lull in the action even if did kind of make me forget the stakes a little.

I have mixed feelings about the familiarity but not knowing the place is familiar. In some ways, it is too vague and a told more than it is shown, but on the other hand, I’m not sure it can be shown any more than it is. Having a sliver of more concrete memory might help, but the lack of not knowing does make me want to read on to find out more as much as it irks me. And I’m not sure if this comment makes any sense.

But overall, this chapter works for me

Here were my thoughts as I read, which are more sentence level things since I didn't have many major concerns. 

"Many talked loudly in groups" I know you can say this in a better way.

"I examined the recessed casement..." Instead of saying I examined, can you show him examining. Like, "those iron drainpipes are so smooth they would be hard to climb up if they are wet" but obviously something more accurate and appropriate for the character. 

"On the platform, he wearing a..." Something missing

"Different colours predominated" Can you be a little more specific about which colors? Is this a whole rainbow of plants? 

"I walking on loam." Missing word? Wrong tense? 

"Suffered the full brunt of the storm" Show this. I want to see the carnage of trees. Maybe there is a metaphor in there.

"I would of one of the bones...' Something is off here

"Because..." You could probably just delete the because and two of the periods. 

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On 7/14/2018 at 5:57 AM, Robinski said:

Seems like people would have a different relationship with pets if some fraction of them can suck their bones and start flying, or whatever...

I'm not sure I agree with this -- I mean, it seems like it is only a very small part of the population. It might make people more protective of their pets and afraid of casters. I'm not letting those sneaky, grave-robbing magicians near my puppy...

I almost said something about the pet cemetery about that being more of a modern, or at least 20th and 21st century thing, but there a state park near me  that used to be a rich person's estate in the 1800's, and there is a pet cemetery on it. 

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Hey Fox, thank you for much for reading, and for the LBLs which I will 'enjoy' after going through the thread :) 

On 15/07/2018 at 7:39 PM, Majestic Fox said:

This one wasn't as strong for me. Couple of issues...

1. Nothing much happens for the first 80% - I can recognise that in it, yes. There is set up going on, and perhaps not quickly.

2. Instead of delightful, opinionated prose, we get long passages of what seems like pretty irrelevant description. - Hmm, yes, okay. I'll see how it plays across all the comments, but I did consciously include description because I wanted the feel of the setting. I can perhaps trim it down a bit in Edit #1.

J’s opinion, when we get it, is probably the single most entertaining thing in this story for me. It’s what gives voice, attitude and humour to your story. More of it please. - Right, that may be the 'spice' that I need to get the reader to swallow the added description. Bit more J voice in this chapter.

Many thanks, Fox :) 

 

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Hey, thank you so much for reading.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Overall, I liked this chapter. I don’t have many complaints about structure, character or logic. I was engaged through out. I got a little caught up in some of the decription, but it was pretty and made me wish I could really go explore these grounds, so for me, it was a good kind of lull in the action even if did kind of make me forget the stakes a little.

Super, we have a second opinion ;)  I'm pleased that stuff worked for you here. I will go back and place a reminder or two about the stakes however.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I have mixed feelings about the familiarity but not knowing the place is familiar. In some ways, it is too vague and a told more than it is shown, but on the other hand, I’m not sure it can be shown any more than it is. Having a sliver of more concrete memory might help, but the lack of not knowing does make me want to read on to find out more as much as it irks me. And I’m not sure if this comment makes any sense.

I think it does. I am frequently guilty, in my stories, of leaving these vague hints. It's kind of you to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I tend to think I need to give the reader something a bit more solid. Thanks for flagging.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

But overall, this chapter works for me

Yay! :D 

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

"Many talked loudly in groups" I know you can say this in a better way.

Yup, that's a stinker. Revised. Thank you.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

"I examined the recessed casement..." Instead of saying I examined

I can, and I will. In fact, I have.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

"Different colours predominated" Can you be a little more specific about which colors? Is this a whole rainbow of plants? 

Ahem: when you put it like that... Done. Thanks.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

"Suffered the full brunt of the storm" Show this. I want to see the carnage of trees. Maybe there is a metaphor in there.

Thank you again for calling me on this. I like to think I'd have caught all this telling in the edit, but darn it, let's get into this now. Much obliged.

Great comments; thank you so much. Some good fixes here :)

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18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I'm not sure I agree with this -- I mean, it seems like it is only a very small part of the population. It might make people more protective of their pets and afraid of casters. I'm not letting those sneaky, grave-robbing magicians near my puppy... - Not the puppy! Oh gush, I'm a monster... Yes, it's a small proportion of the population. I'm still going to have to ruminate over this though.

I almost said something about the pet cemetery about that being more of a modern, or at least 20th and 21st century thing, but there a state park near me  that used to be a rich person's estate in the 1800's, and there is a pet cemetery on it. - QED :)  Quite a few private estates in the UK, which are now open to the public, have them.

 

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4 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Not the puppy! Oh gush, I'm a monster...

:D Yup. 

When I read Game of Thrones, I cried when a dire wolf died. People getting murdered or flayed? Whatever... but kill a dire wolf? My wrath is severe enough to make an angry dragon look like a cuddly kitten. 

Anyway, just something to keep in mind when reading my comments re: cat and dog-like animals. I'm a certain type of reader. No everyone is like me in that regard. Especially since I'm not a vegan respect every animal equally type. I hang around too many murderous cats. 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Am I the only one who reads the title as 'ACK! DEAD HORSE!'? No? Okay then...

General

Reasonable pacing here and tension, although some of the descriptions ran a bit long. Loved the pet cemetery part! Still engaged, and C keeps me reading. Carry on!

On 7/11/2018 at 0:54 PM, Mandamon said:

that seems...problematic, in this culture. Random vagabonds climbing in your garden to dig up the favorite family pet?

Was wondering about this, too. Everyone else has to give up their bones, but not this particular family? Why?

 

As I go

- page 41: concerned about Innas being in this, because we know he's an Aridori, and they'll suck your brain and whatnot

- page 41: +1 for describing more than just POC skin tones!

- page 42: fun trivia factoid- 'jahla' (very similar to your character's name) is Peruvian Spanish slang for 'already have that,' as might be used in say, a child's trading card game, or when hunting fungi in the Peruvian Amazon. 

- page 44: C is awesome. She only in to men? Asking for a friend

- page 45: missing 'a' in your last sentence

- page 46: you dropped skin tone descriptors here again. Consistency!

- page 47: yeah so this pretend romance thing that probably will end up real romance is SO much better than the original and I find it very compelling

- page 49: he wasn't sure if she was the wife or whatever, but then later on calls her the governess. Best to get rid of the governess part, I think. I like it better when he assumes mother or something akin. Assuming governess, noting the skin tones, leads to not great territory

- page 51: sad we didn't get any description of what the marrow did taste like. Missed opportunity

- page 52: LOL @ 'bonehead'

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18 hours ago, kais said:

Am I the only one who reads the title as 'ACK! DEAD HORSE!'? No? Okay then...

:lol:... Yes.

Thank you so much for picking up, Kais, really appreciate it.

18 hours ago, kais said:
On 11/07/2018 at 8:54 PM, Mandamon said:

that seems...problematic, in this culture. Random vagabonds climbing in your garden to dig up the favorite family pet?

Was wondering about this, too. Everyone else has to give up their bones, but not this particular family? Why?

Yeah, maybe it's status. I'll think on it.

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 41: concerned about Innas being in this, because we know he's an Aridori, and they'll suck your brain and whatnot

:lol:>>> :mellow:>>> :huh:>>> :wacko:!!

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 42: fun trivia factoid- 'jahla' (very similar to your character's name) is Peruvian Spanish slang for 'already have that,' as might be used in say, a child's trading card game,

Yeesh, that's almost... not saying.

18 hours ago, kais said:

or when hunting fungi in the Peruvian Amazon. 

So, when you do that, Peruvian Amazon send it to you in the post, right? Like Amazon in any other country?

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 44: C is awesome. She only into men? Asking for a friend

Hmm, that's deep background. You might need to read another novella for the answer ;) 

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 46: you dropped skin tone descriptors here again. Consistency!

Sorry. I think the page lengths are perhaps defaulting from A4 at my end to US at your end. Was it omitting the tone of the gardener (who claps his hands and splits the group)?

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 47: yeah so this pretend romance thing that probably will end up real romance is SO much better than the original and I find it very compelling

I am now doing the 'someone-used-the-word-compelling-in-their-critique-of-my-sub' dance.

18 hours ago, kais said:

- page 49: he wasn't sure if she was the wife or whatever, but then later on calls her the governess. Best to get rid of the governess part, I think. I like it better when he assumes mother or something akin. Assuming governess, noting the skin tones, leads to not great territory

Yeah, I think I've flubbed this one. Inn-- is not the master of the house, but a major-domo or LordP. The lady J encounters in the wood is indeed intended to be the children's governess. This couple are in a position of considerable power on influence in the Pen household, but I may not have conveyed this well enough.

19 hours ago, kais said:

- page 51: sad we didn't get any description of what the marrow did taste like. Missed opportunity

I'll need to work on this. I feel the word 'unctuous' coming on...

Great comments, thank you @kais

:) 

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14 hours ago, Robinski said:

I'll change the name

 

OR you could change the physical description of Innas' human form, thereby continuing the cycle of RE writers cameo-ing other characters into their books. DO IT

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45 minutes ago, kais said:

OR you could change the physical description of Innas' human form, thereby continuing the cycle of RE writers cameo-ing other characters into their books. DO IT

Your very liminal messaging at the end there convinced me...

Edited by Robinski
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15 hours ago, Robinski said:
15 hours ago, kais said:

OR you could change the physical description of Innas' human form, thereby continuing the cycle of RE writers cameo-ing other characters into their books. DO IT

Your very liminal messaging at the end there convinced me...

Yesssss....

 

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