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Robinski - 180703 - AK Dead Horse - Part 4 - 2433 words (----)


Robinski

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There are elements of background set up that I have retconned for the purpose of ongoing submissions. These actually matter little from now to the end (I think), but for what it's worth:

- J's family have not yet lost their home or their boat, but are under threat of that. Interest is accumulating on the loan, keeping the pressure on J to get (a lot of) money to clear it.

- For avoidance of doubt, I made some comments about Chari being unusual in this setting as a woman of colour. Clearly, there is no good reason for that, this setting is not as multi-cultural as the UK is now, but it is not so much of a 'stand-out' issue in what is after all a seafaring nation. I'll deal with that in edits for the first submissions, but also hope to call it out (subtly), as appropriate, going forward.

- I seem to have written a submission without any swearing, sex references or violence, sorry about that :lol:, I hope it's not boring.

Any and all comments welcomed and responded to.

<R>

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Overall a good transition chapter, taking us from the formation of the team to the beginning of the job. My biggest complaint is the lack of urgency (and no, I don't think it's the lack of swearing...). Everyone's very calm about what they need to do. I don't remember what the ball is, offhand, which says that it didn't make an impression on me even though it's the focus of the job. Some good character development, however.


Notes while reading:

pg 32: "for a coin or two to play near their pitch"
--or depending on their proficiency, to play very far away...

pg 34: “Don’t get any ideas, J.” Her tone was sober. “You don’t deserve me,” 
--we're getting back to that strange infatuation between the two. Aside from them playing at a roll in the hay, I don't see where it's coming from. I don't see any chemistry.

pg 36: "produced a package from his pocket. It was a foot long"
--his pockets are a foot long?

pg 37: "they will permit you to recall fine details very accurately"
--that's...not at all what I was expecting. Sort of a letdown. Wasn't there something else that aided recall? Mouse bones or something?
--Also, how does that work with species? Would a cat's bones do something similar but less powerful?

pg 37: "It was very unwise in present company to reveal my hand like this"
--uh, yes. It is.
--Also, couldn't they just bring some paper with them and copy the ledgers? Why go to all this trouble?

pg 39: "Surely he would not create an incident before the ball if he didn’t need to."
--losing the thread here. Probably WRS, but I don't remember what the "or else" is. I could go back and look, but this is telling me there's a lack of urgency in the job.

pg 39: "This was confirmed by D. leaning forward."
--is it? Surely by what she says, instead.

pg 39: “For his uncle,”
--what for whose uncle?

pg 40: "His eyes were "
--Missing the end of the sentence...

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Hey @Robinski, finished today and just got my comments in order, here they are.

Overall:

I thought it was pretty solid. I enjoyed the interplay between J and C. I also thought D's character came across well, no nonsense but not so strict that she was unlikeable.

I thought that there wasn’t enough banter between the crew as a whole. I feel like this was a bit off a missed opportunity to get to see their interaction outside of the prison.

 

During the reading:

-First paragraph feels like it's missing something. maybe a climax or a punchline?

-The part where J is playing and K walks in, you say he "played three songs" is he playing while observing K, because it's a little murky.

-It threw me off when you said "woman's brazier" it threw me off. I know it's not the same spelling as brassiere but the way that was put there me off for a moment. Maybe consider a rephrasing of the sentance, could be just me?

-So since only copper has been used to pay for stuff at this point I really dont know how much 33 gold is, other then a substantial sum. maybe I missed this previously maybe mention how much that could buy?

-I dont know that I would say J is mooning over Cit's close its close.

-I think it's weird that J is considering what D wouldn't approve of. I feel like they haven't had enough contact for that to happen.

-Interesting note, when hunting a tiger in India the hunter will often put a mask on the back of their head so that if the tiger is actually stalking them it would see the face and not attack because it sees the face. No idea if that is useful but it's fun and it's a fact, it's a fun fact.

-Oh so D was meeting them? I might have forgotten that or it wasn't clear. makes more sense why he would consider her opinion then.

-So, J must be a real talent to see through the mask the someone as experianced as D would have.

-I can follow all of what P says but "be wise to 'ee"

-When they refer to D ac Captain it throws me off. I think of the rank first and I have to recall that it's her title specifically.

-I find the response to G asking to be friends at odds with his earlier considerations. I understand from the outline where this is going but I feel like J's reasoning would be more along the lines of "having a 'friend' like this might make getting out of this alive more likely. It may even be that J would want a friend because he has too few but I dont feel like he would admit that, even to himself.

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Sent you LBLs. 

I can sense an improvement in your writing in this submission (and story). The writing flows really well, the voice is strong. It has wit and charm. It has a good balance between pace and immersive description. Not without issues (see LBLs)  but really good work for a first draft.

Not sure where you'll be putting your chapter breaks exactly but would like to see more compelling story events occur within the chapters. Lion bones felt like a missed opportunity for me, but then perhaps I'm just hungering for awe in a story that isn't trying to deliver it. 

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Okay, starting to slowly get back into the swing of things, but my inbox is overfull and I don't have the energy to try to figure out which subs came first. Hence, random crits as I have energy. Woo! 

Note: I'm very concerned about the lack of any taggable content. It's like I don't even know you. Not even a little swearing? :P

Overall

Although I don't feel there was a complete arc in this chapter, I did like the character development a lot. As a journey/setup chapter I thought it worked pretty well, and I'm pretty attached to C already (especially noting your email changes that will be taking place). My only real flag was the comment about courting her would be like hunting a tiger, and while I get the sentiment I wonder if it doesn't need to be delivered in a less exotic animalistic way... although because of the way J already interacts with her I wonder too if this isn't just his character, and if he's going to grow. It's not enough to throw me from the story by any means, and as I noted below, I think you've got some amazing depth potential with C that I really can't wait to read more of.

 

On 7/3/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

biggest complaint is the lack of urgency

Ah yes, I'll agree with this. Everyone is indeed very calm.

On 7/3/2018 at 6:23 PM, Jorville said:

I feel like this was a bit off a missed opportunity to get to see their interaction outside of the prison.

Oooh, I can get behind this, too. A good crew always needs good banter

 

As I go

- page 32: I think I'd like it more if the market had at least one stand out feature

- page 34: I had to stop and think a bit about his reaction to C's reaction to the innuendo. I realize I had to skip a few chapters so I'm missing some context. His reaction seems really in character, so that's good, but I wonder too if you couldn't give him a hint of understanding as to why she might react that way (although if you're writing him more completely clueless, disregard this entirely). Maybe something like: 

So, was it alright for her to make amorous jests, but not for me to hint at unspoken desires? That probably made sense if I thought about it, which I had no intention of doing at the moment.

or

So, was it alright for her to make amorous jests, but not for me to hint at unspoken desires? Was it a power issue?

OTOH, C's response is perfect, and shows an amazing amount of depth for her character in just this one little scene. So while the line drives me away from J, and am instantly drawn into C. So maybe leave it alone? I don't know. I'm conflicted.

- page 35: maybe it's the drugs I'm still on post surgery but I'm just please as punch that there is more than one woman in the narrative

- page 39: again, I'm missing a few chapters but this is starting to have the feel of a heist novel. That would be so cool

 

Edited by kais
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I am indebted to you all for your comments, and will get to them and through them just as soon as I can. I've been concentrating on writing and trying to keep up with submitting weekly. The window on submitting to Tor.com is shrinking and I really don't think I'm going to make it, but I continue to strive. In the spirit of keeping going, I'm going to put Part 5 up first :)  

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Many thanks for the comments, Fox.

On 04/07/2018 at 3:27 PM, Majestic Fox said:

I can sense an improvement in your writing in this submission (and story). The writing flows really well, the voice is strong. It has wit and charm. It has a good balance between pace and immersive description. Not without issues (see LBLs)  but really good work for a first draft.

Thank you, that is encouraging :) 

On 04/07/2018 at 3:27 PM, Majestic Fox said:

Not sure where you'll be putting your chapter breaks exactly but would like to see more compelling story events occur within the chapters. Lion bones felt like a missed opportunity for me, but then perhaps I'm just hungering for awe in a story that isn't trying to deliver it. 

Good point. I'd be perfectly happy to have a little light awe in there. I'll look at punching up the reaction to this line. In fact, Ch, probably should react as her homeland is closer to where tigers live. Ergo P and K might well question what a tiger even is.

Thanks for calling me on this, and thank you so much for the LBLs. Very helpful.

<R>

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Overall thoughts:

This wasn't my favorite of your pieces in this story. There was a lot of description of markets and where people were sitting or walking that really didn't seem to add much to the story unless I am being really thick and missing something. There were a few nice lines that really jumped out at me as addition to the character's personality, and the plot did move forward a little. However, I suspect (though I won't really know until I read more) that this section could really be condensed.

I made a lot of comments in the word doc, so I'll email you LBL's. Here are some highlights

P. 33 "The big man who I knew so little breakfasted for some minutes." How significant is this page and a half description of the market? Which details really matter?

"doubled while I was in jail" Is this confirming the numbers he just ran or on top of those? It made sense until I got here.

.” ... was neutral" This is one of those lines that is too telly but there isn’t really a great way to show it either.

P. 34"pleasure bathing her skin in warmth" Nice description

The dialogue following this lost me -- more explanation in the LBLs

"...have to face me" Ok – overwhelming detail about who is sitting where. I don’t really care where they are sitting as long as I know the whole crew is in there.

P. 38 "...big imagination"Nice!

P. 40"... I let Krister go in front of me as the others jumped down" I get bored with all the detail of what order people are sitting and walking in.

These are some of the bigger comments, but there are more little details in the LBL's. There is some cute flirting and a little set up, but I got a little lost in detail and a big cast and am unsure how much of this is needed and how much can be cut -- its not my story, so that's not my decision anyway. I still like your characters and arch, and did like the detail about him counting how much moneyed was owed. Preventing them from losing the house/boat seems like a more concrete goal than getting it back after it was seized. He just has to get and give the money, not beg or convince, and shifts more of the focus to the job.

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Many thanks for commenting, Man; much appreciated. Great comments here.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

My biggest complaint is the lack of urgency (and no, I don't think it's the lack of swearing...). Everyone's very calm about what they need to do. I don't remember what the ball is, offhand, which says that it didn't make an impression on me even though it's the focus of the job. Some good character development, however.

Right, yes, this needs to be a factor, and would be relatively easy to insert. Thank you.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

or depending on their proficiency, to play very far away...

:lol:

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 34: “Don’t get any ideas, J.” Her tone was sober. “You don’t deserve me,” 
--we're getting back to that strange infatuation between the two. Aside from them playing at a roll in the hay, I don't see where it's coming from. I don't see any chemistry.

I accept that I haven't found the through line for this yet. It's something that I will fine tune in the first edit, but I can and will fix it.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 36: "produced a package from his pocket. It was a foot long"
--his pockets are a foot long?

Gah, no. I've changed this. I think I meant his jacket pocket.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 37: "they will permit you to recall fine details very accurately"
--that's...not at all what I was expecting. Sort of a letdown. Wasn't there something else that aided recall? Mouse bones or something?
--Also, how does that work with species? Would a cat's bones do something similar but less powerful?

The magic system is definitely in its infancy, and there are many gaps in it (off screen). The result is that there are logic issues with what does appear, as I am making it up as I go along. I'll need to spend time developing it, but I'd like to get through the first draft before I do that. Actually, you've just prompt a fantastic idea!!! Thank you so much :D 

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 37: "It was very unwise in present company to reveal my hand like this"
--uh, yes. It is.
--Also, couldn't they just bring some paper with them and copy the ledgers? Why go to all this trouble?

I've edited the first bit, I think it reads better now. Thanks.

I'm envisaging they would have a very short time. It's easier and safer of course to minimise time sneaking around. I need to convey this, of course, in the story!!

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 39: "Surely he would not create an incident before the ball if he didn’t need to."
--losing the thread here. Probably WRS, but I don't remember what the "or else" is. I could go back and look, but this is telling me there's a lack of urgency in the job.

Yeah, the whole timing this is a problem that I need to fix. There are other factors I need to take account of. Thanks for flagging this.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 39: "This was confirmed by D. leaning forward."
--is it? Surely by what she says, instead.

Fixed this. Ta.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 39: “For his uncle,”
--what for whose uncle?

G's uncle. I'll put that down to WRS for the moment.

On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 40: "His eyes were "
--Missing the end of the sentence...

Thanks.

Great comments, thank you so much. Some good fixes and a nice bit of inspiration :) 

Edited by Robinski
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Thank you for reading, Jorville.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

I thought it was pretty solid. I enjoyed the interplay between J and C. I also thought D's character came across well, no nonsense but not so strict that she was unlikeable.

Good that characters are coming over well.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

I thought that there wasn’t enough banter between the crew as a whole. I feel like this was a bit off a missed opportunity to get to see their interaction outside of the prison.

Good point, I will flag this as something to be fixed on the next edit pass, and I will try and address it going forward.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-First paragraph feels like it's missing something. maybe a climax or a punchline?

I've tweaked this.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-The part where J is playing and K walks in, you say he "played three songs" is he playing while observing K, because it's a little murky.

I've edited this. Hopefully it's clearer.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-It threw me off when you said "woman's brazier" it threw me off.

Yeah, that's practically a pun, isn't it? I've rephrased.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-So since only copper has been used to pay for stuff at this point I really dont know how much 33 gold is, other then a substantial sum. maybe I missed this previously maybe mention how much that could buy?

Good point. I've done that.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-I dont know that I would say J is mooning over Cit's close its close.

Sorry, I don't follow this point. Can you clarify, please? :) 

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-I think it's weird that J is considering what D wouldn't approve of. I feel like they haven't had enough contact for that to happen.

Yeah, reworded.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-Interesting note, when hunting a tiger in India the hunter will often put a mask on the back of their head so that if the tiger is actually stalking them it would see the face and not attack because it sees the face. No idea if that is useful but it's fun and it's a fact, it's a fun fact.

Interesting.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-I can follow all of what P says but "be wise to 'ee"

As in 'on to you'. I've simplified.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-When they refer to D ac Captain it throws me off. I think of the rank first and I have to recall that it's her title specifically.

Noted. I'll see how it plays across all critiques, but I have switched a couple for her name.

On 04/07/2018 at 2:23 AM, Jorville said:

-I find the response to G asking to be friends at odds with his earlier considerations. I understand from the outline where this is going but I feel like J's reasoning would be more along the lines of "having a 'friend' like this might make getting out of this alive more likely. It may even be that J would want a friend because he has too few but I dont feel like he would admit that, even to himself.

Good call, J. I've added something to that effect, that J sees G as useful. It's a rather heartless position, but that's more like what J would think. Good catch.

Really useful comments, thank you very much :) 

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On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

Note: I'm very concerned about the lack of any taggable content. It's like I don't even know you. Not even a little swearing? :P

Rofl. I know you can get through it, despite the absence of 'spice' :lol: 

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

My only real flag was the comment about courting her would be like hunting a tiger, and while I get the sentiment I wonder if it doesn't need to be delivered in a less exotic animalistic way... although because of the way J already interacts with her I wonder too if this isn't just his character, and if he's going to grow. It's not enough to throw me from the story by any means, and as I noted below, I think you've got some amazing depth potential with C that I really can't wait to read more of.

Excellent point; it certainly gives me pause :unsure:. It was very much meant to reflect that J is still a bit scared of her, partly through reputation, but also being around her, and seeing evidence that she is as capable as her reputation suggests. I accept there should be a line or two more for Ch character building before this point, and  I will seek to add that depth in the next pass.

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:
On 03/07/2018 at 8:08 PM, Mandamon said:

biggest complaint is the lack of urgency

Ah yes, I'll agree with this. Everyone is indeed very calm.

Yeah. I'm going to add a ticking clock, which was the original intention, but... Ooh, idea!! I've gone back at retconned a ticking clock.

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

Oooh, I can get behind this, too. A good crew always needs good banter

Yeah. More bants. I'll watch out for that going forward. I'm not sure how much room there is in what's passed before.

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

- page 32: I think I'd like it more if the market had at least one stand out feature

Good call. Some description of the market added, which spun into some background detail for J.

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

- page 34: I had to stop and think a bit about his reaction to C's reaction to the innuendo. I realize I had to skip a few chapters so I'm missing some context. His reaction seems really in character, so that's good, but I wonder too if you couldn't give him a hint of understanding as to why she might react that way (although if you're writing him more completely clueless, disregard this entirely).

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

OTOH, C's response is perfect, and shows an amazing amount of depth for her character in just this one little scene. So while the line drives me away from J, and am instantly drawn into C. So maybe leave it alone? I don't know. I'm conflicted.

Lol, yes, me too. I've added a pretty big element to Ch's situation in response to Mand's (and your) comment about ticking clock. I fear it influences (hopefully not changes) this exchange a bit, not the nature of it, but reveals more of the rational for Ch's reaction and gives J something concrete to think about. SO, have I gone and broken it? I don't think so, but I'll really only know when someone does a complete alpha(beta?) read. Thanks for this though, that really made me think harder about the exchange, and gives me great encouragement that I'm serving Ch well (so far).

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

- page 35: maybe it's the drugs I'm still on post surgery but I'm just please as punch that there is more than one woman in the narrative

Well cool. Part 5 adds two more female characters with lines, one of whom is a PoC :o

On 07/07/2018 at 5:51 PM, kais said:

- page 39: again, I'm missing a few chapters but this is starting to have the feel of a heist novel. That would be so cool

It is, but... :D 

Great comments, thank you so much, Kais. Those drugs are not addling your brain at all! ;) 

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Hey, thank you so much for reading, and for the LBLs, fantastic. I will get to those after the comments on the thread.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

This wasn't my favorite of your pieces in this story. There was a lot of description of markets and where people were sitting or walking that really didn't seem to add much to the story unless I am being really thick and missing something. There were a few nice lines that really jumped out at me as addition to the character's personality, and the plot did move forward a little. However, I suspect (though I won't really know until I read more) that this section could really be condensed.

Okay. Certainly, there has been a range of reactions, so I'll take this under advisement to some extent. Others have called me on a lack of urgency, and this comment seems to be in the similar ballpark to those. I'm working on a ticking clock which I hope will give this section and the whole story so far more impetus.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

How significant is this page and a half description of the market? Which details really matter?

I can look at trimming this. That's a job for the first full edit.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"doubled while I was in jail" Is this confirming the numbers he just ran or on top of those? It made sense until I got here.

I've clarified this bit, I think. That statement is intended to summarise, but not clear enough before.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"...was neutral" This is one of those lines that is too telly but there isn’t really a great way to show it either.

Hmm, yes. I've replaced 'neutral' with 'impassive'.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Ok – overwhelming detail about who is sitting where. I don’t really care where they are sitting as long as I know the whole crew is in there.

Right. I've trimmed it a bit.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I get bored with all the detail of what order people are sitting and walking in.

To some extent this is about blocking and aiding the reader picturing events, but I'll accept it's a bit much here. I have trimmed it.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

There is some cute flirting and a little set up, but I got a little lost in detail and a big cast and am unsure how much of this is needed and how much can be cut -- its not my story, so that's not my decision anyway.

I've tidied it a bit, and it will get another work over in the first full edit, but I'm glad you called me where you found it too much.

On 11/07/2018 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I still like your characters and arch, and did like the detail about him counting how much moneyed was owed. Preventing them from losing the house/boat seems like a more concrete goal than getting it back after it was seized. He just has to get and give the money, not beg or convince, and shifts more of the focus to the job.

Excellent. That is great news. It's so rewarding to feel that the story is getting stronger with these comments and changes.

Thank so much for reading and commenting. Off to the LBLs now :) 

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47 minutes ago, Robinski said:
On 7/10/2018 at 8:57 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

 

To some extent this is about blocking and aiding the reader picturing events, but I'll accept it's a bit much here. I have trimmed it.

 Blocking is something I tend to skim over when I read, even in books that are already published, especially when the writer slows down to make sure the reader knows exactly who is where. This is probably why I'm so bad at it or just leave it out of my writing. Keep that in mind when reading my comments on blocking. 

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On 04/07/2018 at 3:27 PM, Majestic Fox said:

Sent you LBLs. 

Reading these now. Some of the stuff you've noted has changed, so hopefully better.

"I skim read the numbers... they can't carry the same wit" - Ah-ha, I consider that a challenge. I have edited that bit, and I think it's quite witty now :) 

"What about the stall keepers who paid him to play?" - That's just a note for me, of course, but I made it four songs, up from three, and figure you are right. They've got their money's worth.

"What are they doing here actually? Is this relevant to the plot? The story has seemed fairly plot driven to this point, so wandering around kind of jars with that, as much as I like a good bit of milieu and character time." - I've tried to clarify earlier that, when J&Ch they start moving, the wagon is their destination.

"Hmm… plot now appears to be hinging on W's secret force of adepts – something we’ve not encountered in the story yet, so it’s abstract and distant from us, which makes it weaker as a primary story motivator. Could be solved with some foreshadowing earlier in the story…connecting the dots of a previous question or something to give it more force, power, more reality." - Good point. See, this element of the plot has emerged through discovery, so I will need to do exactly what you suggest.

(P's statement about Pen being wise as soon as he sees his desk) - I meant to imply that Pen thought their task was to steal the ledgers, but it's not it's for J to memorise them. I've clarified this statement from Pen.

I see that your reaction to the bones was right up there, then came crashing down when they weren't from a hippogriff (for example). What I've been going is magic based in gritty realism. That does (unfortunately?) lead the level of wonder being reduced, I suspect. I think there are 'wow's to come, but perhaps not exactly in the way you might have been thinking. I'm going to go out on a limb and try to coin a new term here 'Dirty Fantasy' anyone? Anyone...?

e3-1.jpg.b8d5fef324ec0b8d9e0cb7e176ce5ed6.jpg

"Braveheart spent the first 29 minutes of the film making us care about Wallace and Muron (sp?). It was time well spent." - Hmm, maybe for a Sassenach*, but for me, he was still an Australian. If only GERARD BUTLER!! had been a bit older at that time. On your point, I'm glad you found the stakes increasing there, and yes, I'll need to show the family, I think, in some wise.

"You've levelled up." - Woop, woop. How much XP do I get? I'm gonna put it on my Plot Logic skill.

"He's not staying with you" - G was supposed to be part of the job, but D has sprung this change on them, G included.

I've change G's line about friendship; streamlined it. The language was untidy. I think it sounds more natural now.

Great LBLs, thank MF :) 

 

(* Scottish term of endearment for an English person :P)

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7 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

 Blocking is something I tend to skim over when I read, even in books that are already published, especially when the writer slows down to make sure the reader knows exactly who is where. This is probably why I'm so bad at it or just leave it out of my writing. Keep that in mind when reading my comments on blocking. 

I will do that. Also, on some of the additional LBLs...

Ch. "P must be up to no good, don’t you think? Perhaps he’s spying on D in return." - You're right, this line was hanging. I've added the second to make it feel more like a reply to J's point.

“A pasty for me,” said Ch. pleasantly[SC1] .


 [SC1] I don’t like this word.  

:lol: Sorry, but your response generates an image like this...

uncovering-the-pain-behind-your-childs-anger.jpg.bae7c12406392964b06b33ae1e9318d3.jpg

Some good tidying up and fixes in these LBLs, thank you very much, SC :) 

Edited by Robinski
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4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

:lol: LOL

Well, if I'm being a pain and complaining about individual words, it means I couldn't find something worse  to critique. 

You were completely correct, of course. I changed the word. I don't mind word-level comments at all. I'm constantly doing that to others. Live by the (s)word... etc.

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On 7/11/2018 at 8:49 PM, Robinski said:

Sorry, I don't follow this point. Can you clarify, please? :) 

Yeah, sorry it took a bit to get back to you. I see a lot of the times J is thinking about C and its got a "notice me senpai" vibe(admittedly I am not an anime fan but friends have explained the meaning to me.) I will admit that J does actively pursue C but his thoughts seem to pine after her instead of a "how can I interest her." If that makes more sense.

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On 14/07/2018 at 10:06 PM, Jorville said:

I see a lot of the times J is thinking about C and its got a "notice me senpai" vibe (admittedly I am not an anime fan but friends have explained the meaning to me.) I will admit that J does actively pursue C but his thoughts seem to pine after her instead of a "how can I interest her." If that makes more sense.

I had no idea what that was, and had to G**gle it, but thanks, yes, I recognise that is in there. It is, I think, a hang over from the initial vibe of J's perception and attraction to Ch, which was of 'dubious tone', I think it's fair to say. Do I still want this tone to his attentions? Probably not in the way of NMS, I think. I will let things take their course for the purposes of completing Draft #1, then pick it up again on Edit #1.

Thanks for that.

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