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Codair_July 2 2018_Oomph part 2_4583 words (LV)


shatteredsmooth

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Content Warning: Language and Violence
 
Hi All,
Here is my next submission. It picks up where the last time left off. This replaces a lot of the content that was in my second submission. After reading the feedback, I just opened a new word doc and completely rewrote the section. 
 
Any feedback at this point will be helpful. There are probably missing words, because I never seem to notice when I leave out things like "a" or "the," but at this point I am really more concerned with plot and whether or not things make sense. My characters aren't all that likeable, and maybe they're not the easiest to connect with, but is there enough there to make you want to keep reading their story?
 
Thanks!
 
Sara
 
Last week: Di picks up an  illegal object for xir mom. Di's oopmh suppressant is missing (Oomph is an energy field certain beings can tap into) and being caught without it is a death sentence. After getting into a scrape with law-enforcement, Di and friends flee Earth.
Edited by shatteredsmooth
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This is certainly still interesting. I didn't focus on typos and such, so I could get the feel for the story. 

I like where this is going--sort of a Firefly/Star Wars mashup, However, more in the later chapters, I feel like things are going too fast and you skip over some important points to get to more plot. I don't have a good feel for R. yet and why he's helping, and what he can do. The part when he returns is also confusing because I'm not sure where they are.

I'd definitely like more of getting into the character's heads, too.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "post-light travel"
--This just sounds weird, like it's something happening *after* light...

pg 2: "antenna slackens, curls closer to me on its own"
--the descriptions make this sound like it's a physcial thing. It isn't, right?

pg 3: "He knows what I was going to ask, and his wink is all the answer I need.
Ronny is an Oomph user, a competent one"
--Uh...this is a big jump. Can we get a little more evidence before this leap in logic?

pg 5: "The trickle on Oomph he’s using to keep mind under control expands to a smothering blanket and freezes"
--on-> of, mind -> mine
--I didn't get that he was keeping her under control before.

pg 6: "I have no clue what he did to me, and how it kept SE from sensing out Oomph,"
--wait, what did he do? I think we need more detail about how R. is using Oomph. There's several descriptions after the fact, but none showing what R is doing.

pg 11: "The survivors from the last uprising made a deal with the Bright Quadrant. There is going to be a coup in the Tri-System and”
--who what now? I feel like I'm missing some important worldbuilding.

pg 11: "My part is to break your father out of jail, get him to the Bright Quadrant and give him the artifact.”
--Again, something I think we should have known before now. Has D's father even been mentioned?

pg 12: "but with half a dozen pirates chasing me down"
--ok now it feels like you're just taunting us. What happened?

pg 12: "After finishing my tour of the ship, R told me to use the sims familiarize myself with the ships controls"
--ah, that makes a lot more sense.

pg 13: "For a minute, I thought we were going to make it,” 
--is A talking about the simulation?

pg 13: "zooming into the cavernous tunnel that will lead me out of the dome that I realize R. wasn’t right behind me."
--very confused with the blocking in here. Are they in D's ship? the SE ship? 

pg 15, top: You may need to expand the escape a little. I had trouble realizing when D got the ship away from the others chasing.

pg 15: "I have three minutes before surfacing."
--surfacing from what? where is the ship?

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3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Has D's father even been mentioned?

Good catch! In one version, yes, but that seems to have disappeared in the many times I've rewritten the first chapter. 

 

3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

g 13: "For a minute, I thought we were going to make it,” 

No -- about the people chasing Ronny

Thank you @Mandamon !! You caught a lot of big I was too close to the story to notice. Exactly what I was looking for. 

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Wow that was a ride! I'm not sure what you mean about the characters. I like them fine so far, of course I've missed previous revisions and the previous chapters. Overall, I really liked it and had a blast. It has a funky almost Space Dandy like feel to it. And I think that's really cool and unique. I would definitely like to get more into this universe and explore more of the crazy things you have in store for us.

There were a few problems I found. Honestly, besides the random spelling mistakes and other minor mistakes, I rather enjoyed this and thought it was a lot of fun. Here's some of the things that glared out at me.

Chapter 4

Quote

Roasting meat makes my mouth water. Sweat and fragrance from a hundred different species makes my stomach churn. The humming aura of each being intermingles and presses down on me as I desperately try to keep my Oomph antenna wrapped around me like a scared cat does with its tail.

I think these starting sentences are really weird and don't really mesh in my mind. I found myself rereading them multiple times trying to figure out what was going on. I think it's because the first line talks about food I started associating all the next lines with food too. It got confusing when you mentioned the species pressing in and I imagined a huge array of dishes made from alien meat pressing in on the protagonist. It was just odd and I think there's a better way to start this.

Overall I thought chapter 4 was pretty good but I found myself hoping to see more of the world. I think it would be stronger if you did more showing instead of telling. Besides the huge mass of bodies, I had trouble picturing the rest of the scene. I know that they can't see very much in this scene but surely there must be something you can give me. What the walkway was made of, things vendors are calling out to sell in the street, or even just the rooftops of the buildings or even the color of the sky. Honestly I think this scene could have at least another 600 words in it to make it flow better and be more descriptive.

Also I think you missed an opportunity to build up some tension with the SE agent giving them a free pass. Or at least an opportunity to develop one of you characters as one of the group sweet talks the agent. It just happened so fast and I don't think it did enough to justify it existing. You could probably cut out the agent questioning them and nothing would really change. That's what I call a road sign, it's just there and then it's not (like we pass a sign on a road) and it doesn't really impact the story.

Chapter 5

This was my favourite chapter. Probably because things slow down for a moment and I get to see two characters interact in a real cool way that develops their relationship. I found myself really liking Ronny and feeling for your main character. The big issue I'd say is that it's odd that we get a vivid depiction of the outside of the ship and pretty much nothing about how the inside looks. That was kind of weird.

Maybe it's because I missed other chapters, but the part where two characters are kissing briefly and then the story just continues like it never happened, threw me off a bit. Just seems like another road sign. It just felt odd that there wasn't a reaction. And if that's the point, then maybe some self awareness about why they're not reacting would be helpful.

Chapter 6

This chapter is where I think most of the problems are. There's just way too much happening so fast that I never really get a chance to understand what's going on. At first I thought it was a sim. Then I thought it might not be a sim. Then I thought it was a sim again. But then someone got hurt and that threw me off, but maybe that's part of the sim? If you mention a simulation it might be a good idea to quarantine that section from everything else that really happens.

I don't think you need to necessary rewrite this chapter (except for the sim part), but maybe go back in with scissors and a hot glue gun and drawl it out a lot more. That chapter could easily have another 1000 words to describe everything that happened. Also, I'd put more thought into your setups for each action piece. There should be clear transitions between things that happen, especially in scenes with action where so much is happening.

Chapter 7

I don't have a lot to say about this one. I'm not really sure that it does much beside provide us some basic data on how Ronny is doing. There could probably be more going on here. It's odd that we don't get some kind of emotional response from the main character about Ronnie's injury after they seemed to bond so great in chapter 5. After deciding to help Ronny with the rebellion wouldn't Ronny's near demise have an impact?

Like I said, overall I really liked this story and I think you got a nice structure of events. I'd just like to see more of what's happening and get a clearer view of this cool as hell world you're making.

Edited by Zay Wolfe
removed something redundant
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On 02/07/2018 at 3:32 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

at this point I am really more concerned with plot and whether or not things make sense. My characters aren't all that likeable, and maybe they're not the easiest to connect with, but is there enough there to make you want to keep reading their story?

Really glad to be back reading this again, and interested to see what the rewrite looks like. I reckon it's better for both of us if I steer off the grammar stuff, as you suggest, and keep on the more structural stuff. It's the new me!! :lol: 

Chapter 4

The opening paragraph grabs me, and I like the visceral description. At first I thought it was natural, forgetting (due to WRS, I'm sure) that D is in the grip of the 'mph. The description of the hands threw me a bit. Are they D's hands, or another's? It might be more WRS. Was someone restraining D at the end of the previous chapter, or is this just a physical manifestation of D's attempts to deal with the 'mph?

I'm a bit unclear about the blocking. We left them going through the tunnels on Earth, leading to the ship R stashed. Fine. But then they are going through more tunnels to the Dome. Is this on the Moon? There is mention of low gravity, which is a reference to the Moon? Unless it's a reference to the journey to the Moon. Also, the discussion bounces around a bit. I don't mind that, it's good, but only so long as I'm clear on where we are and what's occurring, otherwise I don't really have a fixed point to hold onto during the 'Sorkin-lite' discussion.

I think this might be one of the reasons for reduce character engagement. I really like Z because he takes me out of my comfort zone due to his cross-dressing (Is that the correct terminology? Please don't crucify me if I'm wrong!! :unsure: ). He wears it so well, in that he is totally comfortable in whatever ensemble he is wearing, and he is likeable and usually has a good line. The point I started off on is that I think the voices are too similar. D and A's voices are pretty much indistinguishable to me. Z is not far off them too, and I thinks it's only the description of him that sets him apart, not his dialogue. Ronny, I thought, was quite formal in his phraseology, but he does still use contractions, so he's not totally into the 'self-conscious gangster' style of grammar. I think you could go along way to better/clearer characterisation through diction and dialogue. 

Further to the above, I think this is noticeable in certain TV shows and movies too, where you can see the writer trying to copy Aaron Sorkin by having everyone speaking in that clipped, 'stressed' style of, incomplete phrases and... totally unnecessary pauses that are, you know, a complete affectation because, like, no-one actually speaks like that, huh? (Jesse Eisenberg, I'm looking at YOU!)

I like the revelation about R. It's quite low key. I wouldn't object to another line about how it makes D feel, but still a nice moment.

We're entering the second scene, and I'm still not sure I've had positive confirmation that we're on the Moon. Okay, you said "back in South." but they could just be somewhere else on Earth. I'd like that positive confirmation of where we are on the first page of the chapter, and maybe a reminder here at the start of the second scene. If we are on the Moon, and under a dome, I'd quite like a reminder of that, for it for be forced home. What does it look like? Is the black sky above them outside the dome? My engineer's brain is still screaming at "What about the gravity? What about the gravity?" but I think I could get past that if I just had something in the description of setting to tell me I'm on the Moon.

"low-gravity spa-treatments" - okay we're on the Moon, but it doesn't feel like it. It's a great opportunity to odd some external 'wow' to your story.

"we’ve been navigating for an hour now" - full Transport Planner engagement now. A 'slow, steady pace' I would put at about 1.3m/s x 3,600 seconds = 4,680m. Now, that will not be all walking in a straight line, I assume, but it still implies a dome that could be between 2 and 3 kilometre in diameter. That is immense. Not saying it couldn't be the case, but it takes me back to the missed opportunity for wonder. I know you're not writing Hard SF, nor Space Opera, but a sense of scale and surroundings it still important for creating mood, and aforementioned wonder. 2 to 3km in terms of lunar craters is very much on the small side. The vast majority (of named craters) are well over 10km, quite a few over 100km. However, maybe this society built a Moon city inside a smaller crater, rather the building a free-standing dome. You don't need to go into huge technical description with this stuff, just tell us how it is in one sentence and we will be forced to accept that it was done that way, but providing now information just leaves me guessing, and therefore distracted from the story.

Oh, hey, love the projected wanted poster. I like the image that you do create of the environment (its tone if not its actual appearance. If anything a scattering of additional descriptors would only strengthen it, but I still get a nice cyberpunk vibe, almost a Judge Dredd vibe, without the Mega-City One scale.

I'm confused where the question comes from to R, and by his answer. Takes me two reads to get that he's giving a story to the officer about D and the others.

There was decent forward momentum in that chapter. I like the length of it, but see notes above: I think more description here and there would really strengthen it. Also, D and the other kids are very passive, and R is doing all the lifting. That's okay for a chapter or two, but would not want D to lose initiative for an extended period.

Chapter 5 

Love the jazzy saucer. Also, here is a good example of an instance of (opportunity to use) dialogue for characterisation. "It’s fabulous, but it stands out." - This is guilt-edged chance for Z to say, 'it stands out like a [blank] at a [blank]'. I imagine, if he were Jewish, he might say something like 'a flamingo at a bar mitzvah.' for example. I don't know, something more spot character for him. In my mind, Z is probably least in need to this, compared to D and A.

"I don’t think I’ve ever hugged him before" - great emotional punch; well done.

"blood red accents draw handles and buttons" - In a med bay, really? Hmm, doesn't seem likely.

I like the way this chapter turns out. I like that they are rebels now, apparently, but it did come out of left field. I can't remember too well if the geopolitical situation is flagged and highlighted earlier in the story, but I think that aspect could stand to be punched up a bit in the first three chapters, so that this lands better. Also, in this newer version, am I right in saying that you've removed all reference to D's father until now? If that's the case, I think I need to hear something about him in passing two or three times before this point, just a reference to him being in prison, or even to D not knowing where he is. Probably there is some reference back there, but I don't remember how it sits in the new version of the story.

Chapter 6 

Confused by the blaster fire reference, I thought it was in the simulation, I had to go back a reread to get that it was in reality. I think this arises because, again, I don't understand where the saucer is, it hasn't been described, so I've got no context for the arrival of someone in a speeder, or whatever is going on. We get some details now, but only at the point when they're needed, so I haven't had time to settle into the setting (as it were). Also, massive waste of space, money and effort to have cavernous tunnel in a dome, a tunnel dug through lunar regolith under a dome, perhaps.

"Computer, target the SE cruisers with rear cannons" - targeting isn't the same as firing. It's s detail, but I think D needs to give the order to fire. The computer should not open fire without that command.

I struggled a bit with description of the dynamics of the ship flight. It felt too easy to me. Corners and bends and shafts seemed to appear conveniently when they were needed to escape some fire, or to ram an enemy ship into a wall, which they conveniently obliged by doing.

Also, not convinced about D being able to sense twitches of individual gunners before they fire. Such a tiny movement or impression (which D admits, because of thin atmosphere and distance.

"The middle is gone now" - great line.

I'm not sure about the double punchline at the end of this chapter. "I need to survive." was a bit too far for me, a little bit of a fromage crust on there. I think ending on "Right now, I need to fly." is stronger, personally, and leaves us still feeling the action and tension of the dogfight that just happened.

Chapter 7 

I've got to say this scene is very weak. We have the two weakest characters in the story (imo), showing no character at all. There's no emotion only facts delivered in clipped dialogue. A remains a pretty much complete mystery. We really don't know what xe wants, how xe feels about anything. Xe describes what Z is doing, but not how xe feels about it, or anything that happened.

In fact, it's the same with D. Goes to med bay; gets report on R, sinks to the floor, yes, but where's the emotion? How are you doing, shrug, 'fine'. There was some emotion when R gave D the ship. It was good, but didn't last long.

There's a school of thought that 'blank' character allows the reader to project emotions on the events, but personally I don't ascribe to that.

Summary

Decent escape arc, but shortfall in character emotion and much description of setting (at all) hurt the immersion for me as a reader.

I'm still on board to read on, there are certainly strengths in the story in some of the ideas, the pacing and the potential scale, but there are other elements of character, emotion and setting which, if fixed, really could boost the story to another level.

I wonder if one route into character would be for you to pay closer attention to the novel that your are reading, and to highlight the sections of description or dialogue that make you feel the character, and then be able to go back and analyse what the author is doing in those sections.

Hope this is helpful.

<R>

Edited by Robinski
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@Robinski and @Zay Wolfe

Thank you for your comments! They're very helpful. This is my first attempt at writing a novel that leans this far towards science fiction, and definitely the first project that involves outer space. I always have trouble conveying feelings/emotions in writing (and in real life), but I think it is worse in this novel because I am also balancing it with a different kind of world building than I am used to. Obviously, this project still needs a lot of work, but you are all helping me shape it up. 

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On 7/7/2018 at 9:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

@Robinski and @Zay Wolfe

Thank you for your comments! They're very helpful. This is my first attempt at writing a novel that leans this far towards science fiction, and definitely the first project that involves outer space. I always have trouble conveying feelings/emotions in writing (and in real life), but I think it is worse in this novel because I am also balancing it with a different kind of world building than I am used to. Obviously, this project still needs a lot of work, but you are all helping me shape it up. 

Keep working at it. I really like the feel of the story and I can already tell that you're working on something really unique and genuine. So don't be discouraged. I really like the parts of the world I can see and can't wait to see more.

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3 hours ago, Zay Wolfe said:

Keep working at it. I really like the feel of the story and I can already tell that you're working on something really unique and genuine. So don't be discouraged. I really like the parts of the world I can see and can't wait to see more.

Thanks! I am going to keep working at it -- I'm slowly plugging away at revisions. I have a super rough full draft, so I'm not giving up on it anytime soon. 

I read a bunch of books this week and am taking a break from Oomph to draft a short story. After that I'll revise the chapters I've already sent and try to carry that feedback through the next section, which I'll probably send next week. :-)

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4 hours ago, Zay Wolfe said:

Keep working at it. I really like the feel of the story and I can already tell that you're working on something really unique and genuine. So don't be discouraged. I really like the parts of the world I can see and can't wait to see more.

#iagreewithzaywolfe

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Slowly but surely, I'm catching up

Overall

It's got a fun space opera vibe to it for sure, which would definitely keep me reading. Per usual though, I want to connect more with the characters. I also found some of the scene jumps jarring in this submission, and thought some of the emotional set ups that were brought to head missed the mark by not being better foreshadowed earlier. I think they're all easy clean ups with some edits though.

 

As I go

- page one: some redundancy in those first few lines with 'makes'

- did I miss some chapters? Probably, since I think I'm reading out of order. I missed the part with why they're leaving Earth, I think

- page 1: camera's is not possessive in this context

- page 1: wasn't either Ze or Ron nonbinary? I'm seeing male pronouns for both on page one and I'm confused

- page 2: Oh wait, it's Al that's enby, isn't it?

-  page 3: the Ron reveal would have more power if I knew more about him and cared more about it. It might be worth pushing this reveal until we're invested in Ron a bit more

- page eight: there's been some good emotion through here! With the ship gift though, I'm left confused. Does our MC like to fly? The gift would mean more if I knew more about our main character, I feel like. Has xe always wanted a ship? Did xe have some crushing desire to get off world? Why is this gift so important other than monetary value?

- page 11: so I'm super interested in this life without O business and love where that part of the plot is going. The other reveals on this page are too much, I feel like. Let me have a sense of wonder about the lack of O first and MC's freedom, before hitting me with the artifact stuff. Also, I don't care enough for moms and dads here to care much about their extraction, nor do I have enough political feel to care about this coup. I think I'll need a bit more backstory before those elements matter to me. So in the last part of this page, I feel like I'm being rushed to a thicker through line that I didn't want yet

- page 13: I'm confused. Where did this battle come from? Who are they fighting? Is this them trying to leave the moon and getting grounded? If so, I need more lead up

- page 15: really confused as to how and when Ron got shot

- page 16: this dichotomy crisis doesn't ring really true. We haven't seen any of D's internal strife yet about the things xe is mentioning, especially related to killing. From the first few chapters it looked like killing was very part of the world, so why would D have feelings against it? This section could and should pack more punch (especially since you're bringing the enby part into it, thus giving the dichotomy issue some real teeth) but right now it falls flat. A bit more internal strife early on would really seed this moment

- page 17: also confused on page 17 because xir gender hasn't mattered at all to this point, so xir bringing it up now is confusing. I'm being told something is a thing, but I'd rather be shown

- page 19: I adore the idea of feeding bedsheets into a printer for more raw material

- snippet: seems fine for the moment? I think I'd need to evaluate in the context of the whole chapter

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12 hours ago, kais said:

- did I miss some chapters? Probably, since I think I'm reading out of order. I missed the part with why they're leaving Earth, I think

 

No, you didn't miss anything. I wrote a transition chapter between Earth and the moon but cut it thinking it was  unnecessary and slowed things down and got me in trouble with world building around Earth that wouldn't be relevant later. I'll add a line or two at the end of the ch. before the moon to let the readers know that is where they are going then later, when I sent this to beta readers, I'll have to see how the transition between those two chapters works. 

Thanks for the feedback again! :-)

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