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20180514 - Journey to the Top of the Nether - Part 7 - 5940 words - Mandamon


Mandamon

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Getting toward the end, and once again this one is long. The last two submissions after this should be in the word count.

Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together. After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Above the clouds, they discovered a great waterfall, climbed below it until they crossed the vertical river, then began climbing upward again until they began to see strange white lights inside the wall. It turned out the white lights were roots, and they entered a forest, and soon after met the species who lives at the top of the Nether...

Looking for all comments as usual... Thanks!

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Hello, I am new to the group so this is the first sampling of yours I have read. Some of my comments might have been addressed earlier so sorry if I put out some useless stuff I apologize.

First off, I enjoyed how easy it was to follow what the characters were doing. For jumping in to the middle of a story The actions of the characters were easy to understand and it was easy to follow events as they progressed. That being said, I didn't really get a feel for the environment. I understand they are climbing up a wall but am unsure of the terrain change and what allows them to transition from wall climbing to walking around on stuff. Also, I did not get the sense of a city. This may have been intentional, as a different concept of a city to our own but I didn't get the bustling sense and expansiveness that a city usually invokes.

The other thing I found odd is the diction choice in the excerpt at the beginning. I understand that W(name sounds Hawaiian btw, lol) talks in an odd diction when speaking to the other members of the party in what I assume is their language. I would think that the excerpt from his book would have been In his own language. This would then erase the odd English diction as even a translation of a book written in his own language would have been clearer with a more formal diction. This is all, of course, predicated on the idea that he does speak a different language from the other characters.

Overall I enjoyed it even if I did come in on part 7.

Edited by Jorville
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Thanks @Jorville

Good catch on the city. I can add some more description there.

The language thing might be cleared up by reading the rest--not sure.

Glad it was easy to follow, even coming in late. if you do want to read the rest, I can certainly send it to you.

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Overall

I think this was pretty solid. I enjoyed reading it, and it had a good sense of wonder. Thins have a good pace now and I like the discovering a lot. I don't actually have a lot of comments. Thanks for the fun read!

 

As I go

- I enjoy the kicker

- that italicized thought on page one really throws me from the narrative. I think it needs better incorporation

- page seven and generally, just enjoying it!

- page 10: oooh, you can sing to it! Fun!

- !@#$ I read the first sentence in the new section and swore there for a minute it said 'The next morning I found mom dead,' and I was like OMG PLOT TWIST!

- page 14: I was king of hoping they'd just be the native species of the Net

- page 16: I have a hard time with none of them ever going below the clouds. Surely someone was adventurous? Or someone fell?

- interesting! I've always wanted a bit more on the Eff

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Thanks @kais!

Glad this one was solid. I've had another reader say the same, so it's nice to have confirmation!

25 minutes ago, kais said:

I have a hard time with none of them ever going below the clouds. Surely someone was adventurous? Or someone fell?

Wait until next week... ;-)

26 minutes ago, kais said:

I've always wanted a bit more on the Eff

So this novella will have an illustration featuring the Eff! I'm really pleased with it too.

Also, he'll get a lot more screen time in the next Seeds novel...

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Hi there! I'm new, so my comments will be pretty brief while I'm finding my feet. I thought that this was a solid chapter, with unique world building. The multi-use Arach silk was a nice touch, as was the ability to harvest the crystals by singing to them. I would appreciate an increase in cross-species communication quirks and references to cultural mores. Everyone seems to be remarkably casual with each other. I gleaned from the chapter that seeing entirely other sentient species is a not uncommon thing, but having discovered an entirely new one, I would still be in something of a state of shock regarding their behaviors, their mannerisms, their appearance, etc. Is there any sort of recognition of different species or their markings as beautiful or not? I know that the females were defined as drab, but on both a species and an individual level, I often notice aesthetics as a knee-jerk reaction. 

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Thanks @AviatrixAway!

On 5/21/2018 at 0:00 AM, AviatrixAway said:

Everyone seems to be remarkably casual with each other.

Yep, this is something I really need to ramp up.

On 5/21/2018 at 0:00 AM, AviatrixAway said:

Is there any sort of recognition of different species or their markings as beautiful or not?

I modeled this species on heavily dimorphic bird species, so I was going for the males to be very eye catching and stunning, whether you want to bring perceived beauty into it or not. I try to leave absolute terms of "beauty" in the eye of the reader, so to speak.

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Who is late, I am late! I clear a backlog and then go somewhere without computers and it comes right back again... 

 

Pretty solid overall. I agree with @Jorville that I could do with a little more description of the surroundings, especially since it's so very very different from anywhere else. Not a whole bunch else, otherwise. Solid overall, and the bit about the Eff is a nice callback to the beginning, plus a new twist. 

snerk at the kicker text. That's one way of putting it, W... (let's hope his isn't the definitive memoir, ne?) 

Re the syntax, I have no problems with it. To me, it seems like either he's writing in his native language (and we're reading it in English because of the meta reason that the whole book is in English) and that's how the grammar's just set up, or somebody translated it and decided to keep the syntax to better reflect the original (as often happens with translations). Either way, it doesn't strain disbelief and lets me know exactly who's writing. 

 

"coating of lavender and sugar"  -- Okay, personal pet peeve, but I really feel like lavender is overused as a sensory image. Like, lavender doesn't even smell good? Or strongly?  And, just, like, there are so many other scents out there that plants produce! I kid you not, I had an orchid whose blooms smelled like barbecue sauce. Just about any smell you can think of, in any combination, there's a flower who produces it. I had a whole big rant, but I'm just going to leave this "scented orchid registry" here for you, which is just a list of species names and what they smell like. 

 

"They must have come from a homeworld originally" -- This is probably covered elsewhere in the background of the setting, but why can't they be native? It's not like anyone knew they were up here, and signs seem to point to them being well-adapted to their environment, more or less.... 

 

I do agree that even for an easy-going species, they are taking the revelation of the portal technology and the idea of consorting with abominations from beyond the depths of the impassible cloud sea rather suspiciously well.... 

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3 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

And, just, like, there are so many other scents out there that plants produce!

I have a fungus in my collection that smells like fresh cut apples. It's also a deadly tree pathogen but apples!!

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Finally got here. Sorry about the delay. LBLs sent separately. Some extracts below:

- I like how you have paced the emergence of the m/c's burgeoning abilities as an explorer.

- After the first section, I find myself thinking back to earlier parts of the story. We have had high adventure, death and danger, but the pace has taken a real dip after the discovery of the other species. Satisfying as that was, I'm wondering how you're going to pay off the story with an exciting ending, and when the pace will build up again. These sections being shorter is helping to bridge my 'flagging' a bit with the pacing, certainly.

Due to WRS, probably, I had forgotten that we'd reached the ceiling itself. I feel like that has been sort of downplayed and overshadowed by the discovery of the Gr.

I feel that m/c is insufficiently amazed at these things, like turning of N material with ones mind, and that you can sing pieces out of the wall :blink:

(Just been interrupted with a page to go. I will come back and conclude, but here's as far as I got.)

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14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I agree with @Jorville that I could do with a little more description of the surroundings

Yep. This will happen.

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

snerk at the kicker text. That's one way of putting it, W... (let's hope his isn't the definitive memoir, ne?)

Yeah--this is definitely written from W's POV only ;-)

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"coating of lavender and sugar"  -- Okay, personal pet peeve, but I really feel like lavender is overused as a sensory image.

Interesting! Personally, I really like lavender, but I get your point. Good list of scents. I'll look into changing that around

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

This is probably covered elsewhere in the background of the setting, but why can't they be native?

Ehhhh...this has far ranging and overarching reasons that I don't want to get into with a novella. Suffice to say, they've been there a long time, and if readers are curious, I'd direct them to read books 2 and 3 of Seeds (whenever I get to writing them).

Thanks @industrialistDragon!

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Thanks @Robinski! The LBLs are very helpful

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

the pace has taken a real dip after the discovery of the other species.

Interesting. I'll have to take a look at this with my next pass. For now, let me know what you think of the conclusion!

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

I had forgotten that we'd reached the ceiling itself. I feel like that has been sort of downplayed and overshadowed

Yes, a bit. I can try to beef this up.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

I feel that m/c is insufficiently amazed at these things

Yeah...this will be incorporated with the next pass. More emotion!

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15 hours ago, Mandamon said:
22 hours ago, Robinski said:

the pace has taken a real dip after the discovery of the other species.

Interesting. I'll have to take a look at this with my next pass. For now, let me know what you think of the conclusion!

Maybe that comment was a bit harsh. It felt like there was a lot of 'discovery of new species, scientific stuff when I wanted there to be more tension/adventure/intrigue this close to the end of the story. I think that is more like it, a reduction in tension, and maybe pace just a little with the scientific/world-building stuff, when I wanted to get right to the reveals about the portal and the palantír :) 

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