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Robinski - 180423 - TCC Chapter 09 - 4731 words (LVG)


Robinski

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Not much to say about this, other than to invite your every helpful comments, and to hope that you enjoy it.

Wee bit of gore, but passive in the sense that you don't get to see the gore happening. So, in a pathology sort of way.

Bon appetit!

<R>

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Hmm...so I had some issues with order of events and E''s reaction in this section. I've sent on LBLs, but basically I didn't believe the way E reacted, especially with the way M handed out information. Based on what we've seen of E so far, I would expect her to go ballistic and take charge or fight back, not meekly give in to M.

Some selected notes:

The opening fell flat for me. There's an opportunity for e to actively be searching for T.

Pg 3: How is an incursion by the books?

Pg 6: Uhhhh…really burying the lede here. M tells her there’s a problem, then E goes and researches, and THEN Morton tell her that her lover has been brutally murdered by monsters? E needs to have a much bigger reaction if that’s the way M is playing it.

Pg 7: I'm not fully understanding why E is a suspect in this and M is revoking her clearances. Yes, she didn't delete an old profile, but it was T and "accomplice" who did this.

Pg 11: Big drop in tension between getting suspended and driving to the police station. I want to know what E is doing to move things forward.

Pg 13: Did the sheriff know about the escape before E? Also, is this the same sheriff M&Q are working with? I don't remember him being Inuit, but maybe it's WRS. 

At the end, I feel like I’ve been had by a bait-and-switch. Shouldn’t the police have found out the bodies weren’t human first?

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Overall

Pacing was good in this! There were a number of emotional beats that didn't land for me, described below, and very similar to what @Mandamon wrote above. After E decides to take action though, I thought things really got moving. I am surprised that the police didn't realize they were deer bodies, not human, so might need some better turn of phrase there.

Nice work!

 

As I go

- page four: Yeah, Morton can just get punched any time now. Any time. 

- page five: change in gaze, here, with the 'terrible waste of chiseled cheekbones'

- page six: wow, she slides in stealing fast. I have whiplash. She cares for the other woman, right? And she hates Morton? So wouldn't E's first instinct be to think M had done something, instead of her girlfriend?

- page seven: I'd think E would fight that suspension more. A LOT more, since she just saw her girlfriend torn apart

- page 8: Even with T being an employee (and romantic entanglements aside), as a scientist who has had employees injured, everything STOPS. Machines shut down, rooms shut down, OSHA comes in and it's a huge thing. Emotionally it stays with you a long time, so the whiskey part seems super spot on, but not the 'T doesn't count' thing

- E's name is spelled 'eye' on page 8

- page 9: being mad at T seems... not likely? Maybe? Wouldn't E be mourning? Basically emotions seem not intuitive through here

- page twelve: not sure 'swarthy' is what you want to use here. Suggest instead being more specific

- good ending!

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Sorry, playing catch-up. IRL deadlines and whatnot. 

 

So the first 10 pages of this I felt like was mostly a rehash of T's chapter from another POV, and while that can be very interesting as a writer's thought experiment or character study, I found it to be very uninteresting as a chapter in a novel I'm reading. I already know everything that's going on with the "mystery" so E figuring things out isn't keeping my attention. M being a cartoon villain is nothing new; I'm mostly just waiting to see him actually twirl a mustache and cackle at this point. E's reactions feel all over the place and aren't really landing for me. Basically I agree with @kais --  I don't believe E's reactions enough for the emotion alone to carry the scenes where the action is lacking. Once E goes to the police office (when we get to the new information), things start to pick up and I'm interested again, but then things run aground during the last part, which is just more driving and walking.  The end would be interesting, it's a nice ending line, but I've just spent 3 pages on a silent car ride, so whatever tension was building as E talked herself onto the investigation has completely dissipated.  

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Many thanks for reading, Mandamon. I've been through the LBLs and there are some great comments there. I can always rely on you to pull me up when I'm being lazy about logical stuff. Thank you! :) 

On 25/04/2018 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

Hmm...so I had some issues with order of events and E''s reaction in this section. I've sent on LBLs, but basically I didn't believe the way E reacted, especially with the way M handed out information. Based on what we've seen of E so far, I would expect her to go ballistic and take charge or fight back, not meekly give in to M.

I've included some much better/stronger reactions. That was a real omission, thanks for that one.

On 25/04/2018 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

The opening fell flat for me. There's an opportunity for e to actively be searching for T. - I've included some of that.

Pg 3: How is an incursion by the books? - Edited.

Pg 6: Uhhhh…really burying the lede here. M tells her there’s a problem, then E goes and researches, and THEN M tell her that her lover has been brutally murdered by monsters? E needs to have a much bigger reaction if that’s the way M is playing it. - Now included.

Pg 7: I'm not fully understanding why E is a suspect in this and M is revoking her clearances. Yes, she didn't delete an old profile, but it was T and "accomplice" who did this. - True. I've tried to build up better that M is trying to frame her, or at least tarnish her, and we know why (I hope).

Pg 11: Big drop in tension between getting suspended and driving to the police station. I want to know what E is doing to move things forward. - Ok. I'm tagging that one for the edit.

Pg 13: Did the sheriff know about the escape before E? Also, is this the same sheriff M&Q are working with? I don't remember him being Inuit, but maybe it's WRS. - Not the same sheriff as Q and M are in Creston (6 miles north of the US border) and E is in Yellowknife is in Northwest Territories, a little south of the Arctic Circle.

At the end, I feel like I’ve been had by a bait-and-switch. Shouldn’t the police have found out the bodies weren’t human first? - Edited.

Thank you again. It's definitely better now, but still need an edit pass of course. First draft syndrome will continue to leave my plot a but cut-and-shut until I get all through it and understand properly what the plot is!! ;) 

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Hey Kais, really appreciate that comments, thank you.

On 26/04/2018 at 7:14 PM, kais said:

Pacing was good in this!  - Hurray! There were a number of emotional beats that didn't land for me, described below, and very similar to what @Mandamon wrote above - Accepted, and now better I think, thanks for hauling me up. After E decides to take action though, I thought things really got moving - Excellent. I am surprised that the police didn't realize they were deer bodies, not human, so might need some better turn of phrase there. - Yeah, that was broke. Now better, I think.

Nice work! :D 

Specifics:

Quote

- page four: Yeah, Morton can just get punched any time now. Any time. - I'm glad. I just hope he's not too moustache-twirling, as someone mentioned before. (Ah ha!!!!! See below XXX)

- page five: change in gaze, here, with the 'terrible waste of chiseled cheekbones' - Good point. I'll give Q this line.

- page six: wow, she slides in stealing fast. I have whiplash. She cares for the other woman, right? And she hates Morton? So wouldn't E's first instinct be to think M had done something, instead of her girlfriend? - Good point. I've changed up a bit.

- page seven: I'd think E would fight that suspension more. A LOT more, since she just saw her girlfriend torn apart - Again, changed a bit.

- page 8: Even with T being an employee (and romantic entanglements aside), as a scientist who has had employees injured, everything STOPS. Machines shut down, rooms shut down, OSHA comes in and it's a huge thing. Emotionally it stays with you a long time, so the whiskey part seems super spot on, but not the 'T doesn't count' thing - Good point, changed up. I was aiming for ironic incomprehension, but doesn't really work.

- page 9: being mad at T seems... not likely? Maybe? Wouldn't E be mourning? Basically emotions seem not intuitive through here - Edited up.

- page twelve: not sure 'swarthy' is what you want to use here. Suggest instead being more specific - Yeah, I tussled with that for a bit. I'll look again.

- good ending! - Phew!

Great comments, thanks! Feeling happier about this now :) 

Edited by Robinski
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Hey ID, many thanks for reading.

On 01/05/2018 at 1:34 AM, industrialistDragon said:

So the first 10 pages of this I felt like was mostly a rehash of T's chapter from another POV, and while that can be very interesting as a writer's thought experiment or character study, I found it to be very uninteresting as a chapter in a novel I'm reading. I already know everything that's going on with the "mystery" so E figuring things out isn't keeping my attention. - I understand what you say, I'm just not sure what to do about that. Need to think on it. Thanks for pulling me up on that!

On 01/05/2018 at 1:34 AM, industrialistDragon said:

M being a cartoon villain is nothing new; I'm mostly just waiting to see him actually twirl a mustache and cackle at this point. - I thought it was you!!! (See above XXX)

E's reactions feel all over the place and aren't really landing for me. - Yeah, I accept that. Edited fairly heavily now.

Once E goes to the police office (when we get to the new information), things start to pick up and I'm interested again, but then things run aground during the last part, which is just more driving and walking.  The end would be interesting, it's a nice ending line, but I've just spent 3 pages on a silent car ride, so whatever tension was building as E talked herself onto the investigation has completely dissipated. - Hmm, okay. Let me think about that. CoW for the full edit, I think.

Great comments: thank you for challenging me on this stuff. I think the chapter is definitely better, but still needs a complete read through (by me) to get proper perspective.

Thank you :) 

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