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Fox - Chapter 4 + bits - kais 04/02/18, 4290 words


kais

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In an effort to address motivation issues in Ch 2, and to have S be more active, I’ve changed a bit around. The most relevant changes are included in the document. Also here is Ch 4, which is like, a quarter of the length it used to be, to help with pacing and a better narrative arc.

Mostly interested in:

Does S act appropriate for 17?

Is the pacing reasonable?

Typos?

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To me, S is acting about 17 here, but I always felt S acted young in previous drafts as well.

Pacing is better here, but still a bit long in Ch 3. Notes are below. However, S is reading as more active and competent, which is good.


Ch 2: better motivation for not going to the house. Works for me.

Ch 3: Nothing too specific on this section, but it reads as overly long. I'm not sure why S runs toward the forest. There's a lot of description of the things S is passing, but not why. When people start calling to S to stop, I would think there would be some internal signal to adjust S's direction. Thus it ends up as a bit plotful that S runs into the forest and straight to the master alchemist, by accident. I would think S would recognize the trees once S gets to that area.

pg 7: "“Master R!” I yelled it, hoping to get the palm’s attention"
--If S is trying to get the palm's attention I would think S would call to it, not to the master.

pg 9: "and although roots now hovered near his shoulders, he remained still"
--why isn't the palm still attacking him? Because he's still?

pg 9: “That’s an old amulet. Old magic."
--I like that there's a force behind the tree now.

pg 11: "tried to reach the knife, to pull it from the wound,"
--I thought the knife shot out of the tree at S?

pg 13: Good that R starts asking S about alchemy now. That flows more smoothly.

pg 16: The ending of this works better too. R offering S the apprenticeship makes a lot more sense and underlines that S is competent in the field, which as I recall was a problem in the previous draft.

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I think at this point it's safe to just assume that So is reading as a believable 17-year-old. So has always been more believable as a 17-year-old than they ever were as a 20-something, even in previous versions, and now that the age is canon, it's even better. Trust that if something's not right it'll get pointed out. 
 

end bit-ch2 -- seems a little odd that So is on a road heading to town and then randomly hares off into the jungle .... to get to town. Wouldn't it be easier just to take the road? 

ch3 - So does a lot of running now. I agree with @Mandamon with regards to this portion. 

ch4 - Mandamon has also pinged most of the inconsistencies I noticed about ch4 as well.  So easily carrying a full grown man makes So seem ...very strong. Like, I could never, even at my most fit, carry 130-pounds-or-more of leaking, slippery, awkwardly-shaped human anywhere, much less in a weird grip, over rough terrain, while holding a conversation, for close to half an hour. 

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On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

but still a bit long in Ch 3

Hmm, I think I must not have explained the snippets well. Ch 3 is actually really short now- only 3K, as I cut out the woodshop scenes. But if it feels long, that's an issue

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm not sure why S runs toward the forest.

Good call. Will clarify.

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

Thus it ends up as a bit plotful that S runs into the forest and straight to the master alchemist, by accident. I would think S would recognize the trees once S gets to that area.

Edited to indicate S knows exactly where S wants to go.

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

I would think S would call to it, not to the master.

Hah, yes, good point.

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

Because he's still?

Will clarify

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

-I thought the knife shot out of the tree at S?

Argh, yes. Leftover bits. Thanks!

On 4/2/2018 at 11:14 AM, Mandamon said:

that S is competent in the field, which as I recall was a problem in the previous draft.

Yes! Trying to raise competency this time around. Thank you!

On 4/5/2018 at 3:59 PM, industrialistDragon said:

seems a little odd that So is on a road heading to town and then randomly hares off into the jungle .... to get to town. Wouldn't it be easier just to take the road? 

Hm. Maybe I should clarify the desire to not be seen, especially by villagers?

On 4/5/2018 at 3:59 PM, industrialistDragon said:

So does a lot of running now

I've streamlined this

On 4/5/2018 at 3:59 PM, industrialistDragon said:

full grown man makes So seem ...very strong

The text did say he was short, but I've changed this to 'very short,' to hopefully make it less stand out-ish.

Thank you for the feedback!

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8 hours ago, kais said:

The text did say he was short, but I've changed this to 'very short,' to hopefully make it less stand out-ish.

No matter how short you make him, he's still going to be at least 130 pounds of shifting, moving, leaking human, and the terrain is still going to be as difficult as you've already described it.

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Finally... Sorry for the delay.

Chapter 1 - about leaving the house:

The problem I have is the not knowing. To walk away without knowing if any posessions, memories, keepsakes, etc. might have survived. Is there really nothing at all of value to S in that house? Then there is the aspect of seeing, just to bear witness an be able to report the facts. How far away is S from the house at this point? How much of a detour would it be to go back?

Chapter 3 - The sentence about "Three weeks..." doesn't make sense to me. Where do the three weeks come into it?

'I stopped when I could no longer hear the voices of the people calling after me' - So, there's no wall or fence or anything at the edge of the city? This feels weird, and unlikely.

'there was no reason for me not to go back' - This feels like a flip-flop, so soon after S protesting about never going back.

Why does S slap thigh? - Confused. There's no purpose to it or effect from it that I can see.

'What better way to spend it than menial chores your new apprentice should have been doing?' - Wait, if it's too dangerous to be out alone in the forest, why would the cloaked man send his completely inexperienced apprentice?

I'm confused by the timeline now, and where this fits with S going to the guild house and finding it empty. And then S encounters M, wasn't that the order? I'm a bit lost, but will put it down to WRS.

Chapter 4 - I forget how S met R before, but just happening to bump into him after her random flight seemed a bit contrived to me. Headlong flight into the forest leads directly to an encounter with the exact person in the whole world that S needs to meet for story purposes...

'I pushed back into the fog.' - Is S advancing or retreating, unclear. Because of the word 'back', I assumed retreating.

When another root points at S I get an overwhelming feeling of repetition. There were two trees, one threatens S then goes away for no particular reason that I could see. Then, the original tree threatens S? I feel that this scene is unclear and improbable. It feels messy.  What is the column doing all this time? Is it still there? Is it different from the tree?

'You missed!' - Why would he say that, he doesn't know what S was aiming at.

'tried to reach the knife' - The roots batted the handle before. Why did they stop doing that until now?

'especially if you were carrying your literal dreams in your arms' - Meh, corny.

Do we know about the glacier amulet yet? R's reference to this seemed out of place to me: probably it's just the phrasing, like atm it presumes the reader knows more than they do.

Melancholy doesn't feel like a strong enough word. I'm thinking frustration, because S's mother isn't there to give her permission, isn't that the main problem? Ah, okay. S still thinks mother is around here, somewhere. I forgot.

Loads of interesting stuff, but I'm rather disoriented by the cut backs to earlier chapters. I think the attack of the palms needs work. There were various aspects that confused me. but certainly it's tense, and had a good resolution. I like the feel of it. Problems were with the mechanics.

<R>

 

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19 hours ago, Robinski said:

 

Finally... Sorry for the delay.

 

No worries!

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

The problem I have is the not knowing.

I did a number of other edits to Ch1 aside from the bit I sent, to really hammer home the desire to get away, so I think it reads alright in the whole, if not the partial.

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

This feels like a flip-flop,

I think it's the missing bits of chapter one coming into play now, but will revisit.

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

'What better way to spend it than menial chores your new apprentice should have been doing?' -

I deleted this.

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

I'm a bit lost, but will put it down to WRS.

Sorry! It's not just WRS, but the multiple rewrites. S goes to the guildhall next chapter now.

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

Headlong flight into the forest leads directly to an encounter with the exact person in the whole world that S needs to meet for story purposes...

Will rethink.

19 hours ago, Robinski said:

Then, the original tree threatens S? I feel that this scene is unclear and improbable. It feels messy.  What is the column doing all this time? Is it still there? Is it different from the tree?

Will clean up.

More later... fight scene with tree is taking more time than I thought!

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Okay, redundancy addressed! Moving on!

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

he doesn't know what S was aiming at.

I cleaned up the dialogue so its more clear what he's talking about

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

Why did they stop doing that until now?

Because I forgot! Aheh...

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

Do we know about the glacier amulet yet?

We know a bit due to movement of chapters.

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

I'm thinking frustration,

This is a good one, too!

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

I forgot.

Sorry for the confusion! I need to stop mucking about in early chapters!

On 4/10/2018 at 0:37 AM, Robinski said:

I think the attack of the palms needs work.

Agreed. I've tried to clean it and I cut a lot of the redundancy out. Hopefully this week's chapter reads smoother. Thank you for plodding through!

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