Mandamon Posted March 19, 2018 Report Share Posted March 19, 2018 7th Submission: NOTE: This is the second half of a section, and I added a few paragraphs to get you into the story. Our story so far: M finds the body of the Speaker when arranging a time to present his new invention. The Speaker had been in possession of a list of members of the secret society M belongs to. He tells the head of the Society, who confers with the record keeper for the society. The head explains about the history of the Society and how it will probably be shut down if word gets out. M needs to find the killer and the list. M talks to his two colleagues, who work together closely on the technical details of the automatons they are designing. One goes with M to talk to two other members whose names were on the top of the list. Both have a means for getting around the Society's geas that keeps people from talking, but neither seems to have motive for the murder. M and his colleage go back to the record keeper, who they find lying in a pool of blood. M and G investigate the second murder, find some strange things that don't add up, and go to Moort again. They tell them about what happened, but then a System Beast goes crazy and screaming starts. M and G rush to the workshop and fight to shut down their creations, and save K. Once everything calms down, they return to find the record keeper's body gone. M makes the connection between the murder weapon and harmonic effects he was studying, then finds an old, broken prototype gone from his room. It's the same one that caused the explosion that killed his parents and mentor. M has a small crisis upon seeing his invention is the murder weapon, and he and G find K missing, then rig up the pullbeast to track her. They travel through the town, passing M's old house, and M tells G some of what happened to him. They wind up in front of an unfamiliar house. Let me know what you think! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 19, 2018 Report Share Posted March 19, 2018 Overall I think I'm suffering from WRS. The ending seems like it should be a big impact, but I can't remember enough about the characters to remember who might have hit the pixie. Mysteries with clues might be better served with a straight read through? I don't know. Flow wise this went just fine, and was an easy read. I was engaged with it, and enjoyed their time at the house of the religious couple. I like that we found the pixie, and that there is something afoot! I just can't remember enough to speculate on who it is! As I go - page three: purple heart shoutout! - page six: I'm a little disappointed our protags aren't heading down into the toilet. I've spent my fair share of time with pit toilets, and just... they're narrative gold (and brown, of course) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 19, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2018 1 hour ago, kais said: I think I'm suffering from WRS. Yeah, I was afraid of this happening since mysteries are more plot driven. I'll probably still do the last two sections just because, but I should also be getting other beta reader feedback by the end of March, and then I can do the second edit and have a second round of betas. 1 hour ago, kais said: I've spent my fair share of time with pit toilets, and just... they're narrative gold (and brown, of course) Lol--it's funny you mention that. If the characters had gone digging under the house, they would have found something! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrwizard70 Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 Is it alright if I turn this all into one document and send you the whole manuscript with gdocs comments? Things get hard to keep track of after a while. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 20, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 29 minutes ago, mrwizard70 said: Is it alright if I turn this all into one document and send you the whole manuscript with gdocs comments? Things get hard to keep track of after a while. No problem. Thanks! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted March 21, 2018 Report Share Posted March 21, 2018 I... just don't have a lot to say about these, sorry. Like @kais, I think that this story is suffering from the small word limit and weeklong breaks between sections, and that it would benefit from a beta read all together or in larger sections. Unfortunately, I don't feel a lot of tension or desire to know why these people were killed or why K was attacked. My thoughts when reading it tend to be in the vein of "well I started it, so I should finish it." Partially, it's lack of empathy with Ma, and a lack of a real grasp on why things are so dire for all of the players. It's also trying to remember which names go with what species, who's who and all that across the week of downtime. Part of the balancing act with mysteries is making the solution something the reader feels like they could have figured out for themselves without either making the solution too obvious, or too random. Unfortunately, for me, this feels very random right now. Again, I think part of it is that I haven't read any of the other works in this universe, so I am likely missing key background, and that there is a gap between submissions wherein I forget just about everything. But also, right now, facts just seem to pop up when they are needed and I don't feel like they are growing or building from what I've read before. I enjoy pieces of the sections I read each week -- the interactions with the religious couple were very good! -- but I feel like the shape of the ongoing mystery lacks cohesion, and the pursuit of a solution lacks tension. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 21, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2018 Hmm...thanks @industrialistDragon! I was sort of afraid of this. Maybe it would be better to hang back from submitting the rest and ask for some beta readers after applying the feedback so far? I'll also be getting comments back from other readers who haven't had week long breaks, so I can compare notes. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted March 21, 2018 Report Share Posted March 21, 2018 12 minutes ago, Mandamon said: Maybe it would be better to hang back from submitting the rest Frankly, I think you would get more out of betas commenting on the whole thing than continuing here, at least at this stage of the writing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 21, 2018 Report Share Posted March 21, 2018 53 minutes ago, Mandamon said: and ask for some beta readers I volunteer as tribute! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 21, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2018 9 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: Frankly, I think you would get more out of betas commenting on the whole thing than continuing here, at least at this stage of the writing. Not a problem. I was starting to lean in that direction anyway. I could easily substitute a portion of the mid-grade novella I'm currently writing. I need a lot of help on getting the voice right. 8 hours ago, kais said: I volunteer as tribute! I will probably take you up on that... ;-) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 I’m keen to be back into this. I feel like the episodic nature is adding to the enjoyment and the tension, a little bit like the old serials of yesteryear, like Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers (the originals, mind, where spaceships flew on strings, as they are supposed to). Once again, I will send LBLs by email, but I will paste the (reasonably) substantive comments in here, for discussion. The last section submitted has some nice tension building, but this one dissipated a fair amount of that with the discussion of domestic detail in the S household, and also the philosophical elements. For me, it would be better to get through that more quickly to keep the tension up, or at least prevent it falling too far before you pick it up again. It’s only after 3 pages, when we get the reveal about Maj L having been here, that I really feel any of the tension and excitement of the last section. “this one with a free slab of wood to place in front for privacy” – it’s a doorway, surely it has a door, not a slab of wood. The entrance to the house has a door, why does it sound suddenly as if they live in a cave? “That was not how F smiled.” – ROFL, she’s a Kzin!!!! “then imposed the new music over that in the drop of blood” – Confused. What is the new music? If he's been following K, then her music isn't new (not to mention he’s been working with her for some time), and his music certainly is not new to him, so where has this new refrain come from? “She may have passed close by this house, but not inside” – I'm surprised that they could not tell this from following the trail as they were originally. I thought that the method was accurate enough to know which way K turned at the gate, knowing the difference between going past and going in. Ah, okay, she was that close by. “I found a clue to K’s location” – Hmm, I dispute this. He found a clue that she had passed. That is not the same as having the faintest idea where she is. “Maybe now we would get to the bottom of this” – This line seems a bit simplistic. Surely, there will be stages to 'getting to the bottom of it', and it will not be so simple as just coming across a single, neat answer. Or will it? “fingers of one paw” – I still have a problem with this. Does a paw not have pads (or something), and a hand fingers? “Is that?” – I think there is a POV issue at this point. We are in M’s POV, and yet he ‘deliberately’ doesn’t reveal to the reader what he sees until his colleague has seen it. It felt wrong to me. Mabye it's the pixie-speak, but the last line doesn't really zing for me. I’m in way too deep to not enjoy the submission, but I think there are issues, as noted, and some LBLs. At this late stage, I think more ‘punch’ and ‘zing’ are required, and the tension well off a fair bit in this submission, certainly in the front half, or more. I’m not saying we need all breathless action, but if you’re going to have an interlude in the Sa house, I think it needs to work harder in terms of mystery, intrigue and possibly creepiness(?), or at least otherness, maybe the suggestion of threat in some form. <R> 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 On 21/03/2018 at 0:17 PM, Mandamon said: On 21/03/2018 at 3:19 AM, kais said: I volunteer as tribute! I will probably take you up on that... ;-) Me too!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 Thanks @Robinski both here and in email format! Yes, I agree tension is off somewhat here. I can shorten this section. I think it was mainly that I was having too much fun with a small tie-in to Seeds (did anyone catch that?) Very helpful comments all around! 5 hours ago, Robinski said: On 3/21/2018 at 8:17 AM, Mandamon said: On 3/20/2018 at 11:19 PM, kais said: I volunteer as tribute! I will probably take you up on that... ;-) Me too!! That will be most helpful! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 1 hour ago, Mandamon said: a small tie-in to Seeds (did anyone catch that?) In relation to the cult? I must say I didn't recognise the two groupings as connected, although I really should have... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 yep--that's right. I think it's a little more clear at the end... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 2 hours ago, Mandamon said: yep--that's right. I think it's a little more clear at the end... I'm not sure that it's not because I am so comfortable in the company of M.F. that I don't think of it as a prequel to Seeds on the other actives of Or and Ri. It might also be because there is no noticeable different between the two 'eras' in terms of tech or dress or other date markers. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 2 hours ago, Robinski said: no noticeable different between the two 'eras' in terms of tech or dress or other date markers Yeah--I realized this on the last read through, but I'm not sure what to add. I added the one (subtle) thing about the maji being venerated here, where in Seed's time, they looked at with suspicion. Any other thoughts on speech and dress without overly complicating a novella? Everyone wears hats? Tunics instead of suits? Flowerpots on heads? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 9 hours ago, Mandamon said: Any other thoughts on speech and dress without overly complicating a novella? Everyone wears hats? Tunics instead of suits? Flowerpots on heads? That's a tricky one. Fashion would seem a good way to go, but I don't have a lasting memory of the fashion in Seeds, so might not be the most effective. I suppose the SBs themselves are a difference: they are presents in Seeds, are they not? That's one thing I have had in mind. I mean, intellectually, I know I am in an earlier time, because Man himself is there, but there is nothing so clear as steam power vs electricity. I wonder how important it is, but probably only because I can't think of anything! You could use a throwaway line like 'might as well dream of a science ship that sailed between worlds'. That as least would link to one O.C. story. If anything else occurs to me I will come back and post it here 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 25, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 5 hours ago, Robinski said: steam power vs electricity hmm...I could do something with this. Smoky skies in Poler? 5 hours ago, Robinski said: 'might as well dream of a science ship that sailed between worlds'. Also a cool idea! Thanks @Robinski! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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