Aon Ati

Rules for Surviving a Fantasy World

275 posts in this topic

102. When in doubt, act unpredictably. The universe's servers only have a capacity for so much entropy. With a little effort, you could crash them.

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103. Do not under any circumstances attempt to mug someone wearing 400 pounds of spiky metal armor. Or someone wearing bits of normal armor complemented by rugged leather and furs. Or someone in fancy robes. Or someone wearing nothing but leather underclothes. You will, invariably, perish, and will end your life having only existed to prove just how powerful this new hero/villain is.

104. If someone bumps into you, always ensure that you remain in possession of all of your items. Be especially careful if both you and the person you have bumped into are carrying a similar item, such as if you are both carrying umbrellas. If you do not have all of your items, immediately grab the person who bumped into you and call the police. If someone bumps into you in a bad part of town, forget about taking inventory and seize them immediately. 

Edited by Quickbronze
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105. If you happen to be a villain and the hero saves your life/pulls you to safety, don't immediately try to backstab/kill them. This will only ensure that you will die shortly after doing so, since the universe loves ironically timed karma.

106. In the event that you find yourself in a party of explorers looking for an ancient artifact and the temple that houses said artifact begins to collapse, leave immediately. Don't pause for a moment to grab a handful of gold coins or some neat trinket. Only the main character could possibly succeed at doing this, and it is much more likely that you will be crushed under some rubble while pocketing treasure in order to teach the main character a lesson on greed.

107. In the event that you failed to comply with the beginning of Rule 106, and you and a friend are now hanging for dear life over a chasm in the collapsing floor with the treasure you were looking for nearby/just out of arms reach, don't reach for the artifact/treasure. Grab the friend/companion's hand and pull them up (or be pulled up if you are the one dangling). If you reach for the artifact/treasure, you will likely die in order to teach a lesson as previously mentioned in Rule 106. Otherwise, if you do somehow manage to grab it and then leave your friend to die, you guarantee that your friend will not only survive, but will come back in some later adventure where you will inevitably receive your comeuppance by dying.

108. In the event you are in a group of people traveling in a dark/dangerous area, always strive to travel in the front-half middle of the group. This maximizes your relative safety, since it ensures that you will not be one of the people in the back who mysteriously disappear as a result of some deadly silent monster, while at the same time protecting you from being one of the people that gets caught in the death trap/ambush in the front. As an additional bonus, this placement gives you the optimal position to run from threats.

Edited by Faceless Mist-Wraith
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109. Never dismiss ANYTHING as "religious mutterings" etc. It WILL be important. Probably. 

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Rule 53. Don't be the Chosen One, because if you are, you are going to die a painful death.

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111. Most of these rules only apply if your big quest has already begun. Sometimes people are just crazy, but not if you have already gotten into your quest.

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112: If an important character appears with the same colour palette as yourself, and wields a similar weapon. RUN. You will be killed in a heart touching cut scene and they will take your place. 

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113. In the event that you have failed a mission for your evil boss (in violation of Rule 8), and your boss is uncharacteristically kind and understanding, causally make an excuse and leave the room, while keeping a safe distance between you & your boss and taking care not to eat/drink anything they offer. Then leave the building, fake your death, and move to another country, preferably on another continent that your boss is not currently planning to destroy. Otherwise, they are definitely going to kill you in order to set an example.

114. If you hear a suspicious noise nearby/behind you, do not slowly turn around to see what it is. Immediately start running in the opposite direction. If it's friendly you'll find out eventually, whereas if it isn't you'll likely get a head start on whatever it is.

115. In the event that you are confronting an enemy/rival, never ask "You and what army?". This will only guarantee that an army (or small ragtag group whose total abilities equal one) will suddenly appear to turn the battle in your enemy/rival's favor.

116. Never pick a fight with a blind person, especially if they appear completely calm despite apparent danger. They are almost invariably a person with unparalleled fighting ability or some old master who is not to be trifled with.

117. Don't give in to peer pressure. People who give in to peer pressure tend to end up dead, being hunted after you've seen something you weren't supposed to, gaining superpowers, or some combination of the three. Be firm about how you feel.

  • Note: In the event that you followed this rule, but in the following weeks you hear that something strange is going on and the friends who tried to get you to go are now acting nervous/suspicious, be sure to tell everyone who will listen that you're glad you didn't go with your friends, because it is highly likely that your friends are now being hunted by the government/secret research team/a killer. Otherwise, said government/secret research team/killer will kill you after mistakenly assuming that you were a witness, in order to make the main characters realize that "things are serious".

118. In the event you are in a building with friends, and you see a mysterious figure at the end of a dark hallway/in a dark room, don't assume this person/thing is one of your friends and call out to it. It probably isn't, and whoever/whatever it is will probably kill you. Instead, walk at a brisk pace in the opposite direction to somewhere that is well lit in order to find your friends. Start sprinting the moment you hear anything behind you.

119. In the event that you find yourself in a hallway, and the lights start systematically going out, immediately sprint towards the most well lit area, and keep running until the you find a well lit area surrounded by more well lit areas, with no sign of darkness. Dark hallways rarely end well.

120. Avoid darkness in general (not to be confused with @Darkness_). Darkness & dark places in general rarely lead to good things.

Edited by Faceless Mist-Wraith
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121. If they've brought a cave troll - just run. Don't look back. Just run.

122. Before venturing on your quest, ensure you have availed yourself of a handy, encyclopedic guide to the universe. If it is emblazoned with the words "Don't Panic", so much the better. And you'll need peanuts too.

123. If you do accidentally summon a demon of darkness, dress it in pastel colours and play Twister with it. Forging such a deep bond will preempt any murderous tendencies or evil plans.

 

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124. When and if you discover secret powers that seem to be uncontrollable keep on practicing as that will probably end up being the solution in the quest.

125. If you ignore rules 118-120 make sure to carry powerful light sources/ magic weapons.

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2 hours ago, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

115. In the event that you are confronting an enemy/rival, never ask "You and what army?". This will only guarantee that an army (or small ragtag group whose total abilities equal one) will suddenly appear to turn the battle in your enemy/rival's favor.

126. #115 is not accurate if you are currently Shrek.

127. In general, don't accept gifts. Especially don't accept food or drink unless it's from a very generic person. If possible, pull a mad-eye moody and carry a flask around with you.

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128. In the event that you ignored Rule 52, don't volunteer to pilot and/or test any experimental aircraft. In fact, just avoid aircraft in general if you have a kid, especially if they've come to see you off. Otherwise you will likely die in order to give them a tragic backstory.

129. In the event you ignored Rule 52, don't be part of an specialized defense force that many people look up to. See the above rule for reasons why.

130A. Don't be a hero. Heroes have a tendency to die heroic deaths (hence the "heroic" part of the phrase).

130B. Don't be a coward. Cowards are either killed in order to set an example, or to reveal to the hero a trap/defense/monster that could have killed them had you not acted before them.

131. Always strive to be morality neutral positive. This is the safest morality to have, since it helps you avoid the dangers of Rules 130 A & B.

132. In the event you are a scientist conducting an experiment, and you/your assistant notice an anomaly of any kind, stop the experiment immediately. It doesn't matter if said anomaly/error is "within safe parameters". Something will definitely go horribly wrong.

133. Avoid getting married/relationships, especially with people who have a profession/hobby that is related to law enforcement. Bad things tend to happen to the loved ones of heroes/detectives/etc.

134. In the event you ignored Rule 133, and a serial killer (or some other criminal equivalent) escapes prison and happens to hold a grudge against your significant other, quietly fake your death and move to another country at the earliest opportunity. Otherwise you will either be the first victim in the killer's revenge cycle, or the target of the killer's grand finale.

135. When in doubt about your own personal safety, always quietly fake your death and move to another country/continent/world/etc. It may seem extreme/ridiculous, but that is why it works.

136. Never stress test your invincibility spell/item/power/etc. It always fails at inconvenient (i.e lethal) times.

Edited by Faceless Mist-Wraith
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137. If you ignore rule 132 do not stick around after hours to work on the problem bad things will result.

138. Don't ever talk to the random stranger who appears right after you have considered doing something improper. It can only end badly.

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139: Always be nice to animals caught in traps and the like, chances are they will come back to help you later.

140: Also be nice to old people you meet at the crossroads, they are probably magicians or spirits or something and they will curse you if you don't treat them well but might reward you if you do treat them well.

141: Never utter the phrase "Now I am invincible" or similar. Your death by irony will follow swiftly.

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142. In the event you are trying to poison someone, always be sure to keep several doses of the antidote on your person.

143. Never train animals to do your killing for you. This only guarantees that said animals will one day be used to kill you for the purpose of irony.

144. Never be the first person to cross a bridge.

145. Never be the last person to cross a bridge.

146. Avoid bridges. Especially ones made of rope/vines. 

Edited by Faceless Mist-Wraith
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147. If someone tells you "This is my path/ wood/ river.. ." they want your money and will most surely rob you.

148. Always keep a few feet of rope on your body and something to make light. You never know when you find the next dungeon.

149. Chocolate is great to convince fairies to let you go. If it doesn't work use salt or a weapon of cold crafted iron.

150. If someone tells you he needs to to accept a demon in his order, because the demon spilled his blood and is therefore now a brother of the order - just kill him. Don't waste any time in discussion. (And yes that happend. It really happend. That demon wanted to kill that guy and instead of killing it he said "Welcome to my order." And yes we wasted time discussing this. So don't!!!)

Edited by Sorana
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151: Never under any circumstances split up. If you are the protagonist your friends will be killed or captured, if you are not, then you will be killed or captured.

152: if you ignored 151 and hear a strange noise, do not inspect it, and instead burn it with fire as soon as possible.

153: always have a flamethrower or similar for situations above.

154: if you hear screaming that suddenly cuts off, do not look for the source but instead run away as fast as possible with as many other people as possible.

155: if an enemy has infiltrated your group/palace/army, always assume it is a shapeshifter who now knows all your plans. Change plans immediately and don’t let anyone know. If you let the protagonist know, then they are an imposter and the real one has been captured.

156: if your weapon is about half full of ammo/energy/fuel, refill it immediately because otherwise it will run out right when you need it the most.

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157. Don’t go anywhere near a protagonist. Go hide across the world where you won’t be a side character/extra and die.

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158. Don't  do anything involving magic in general. There is a high chance of death.

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159. If a very big individual wearing armor bumps into you and yells at you, apologize profusely and back up slowly. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES engage with them!!! They are most probably an individual of great power who can end your life rather painfully!

Edited by Nathrangking
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1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

159. If a very big individual wearing armor bumps into you and yells at you, apologize profusely and back up slowly. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES engage with them!!! They are most probably an individual of great power who can end your life rather painfully!

160. however if you are a big individual wearing armor and the person you bump into and yell at is completely nonchalant about it (and not intoxicated) then they are probably some sort of super martial artist and/or magic user, and you are about to get you butt kicked.

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161. Listen to old men in caves bearing gifts.

Spoiler

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Edited by ElephantEarwax
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162. Make sure to bury the dead, so that they stay dead and don't start walking around. If possible look for a priest to do this.

163. Don't enter a fantasy world...

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164. In the event you do enter a fantasy world or are otherwise born in one, make sure to read this list in its entirety.

165. Try to amass knowledge about weird facts or a incredibly unique area of expertise. The more useless it appears, the better. This will help ensure you are kept alive, since the plot will likely progress in such a way that your unique knowledge will somehow become a key factor to saving the world/escaping a tomb/finding the killer/etc.

166. Never join a cult. See Rule 58. This rule is especially true if said cult worships a being of darkness or something similar.

167. Avoid eating apples. Apples are traditionally eaten by villains or their underlings and as previously stated, things rarely turn out well for them.

168. If a friend/work acquaintance/partner asks to meet you at night at a secluded spot, politely decline and suggest meeting during the day in a spot with a fair amount of people. Otherwise said person will probably attempt to kill you, or otherwise be killed in order to keep them from telling you an important plot point. If your friend is the one who dies, you will inevitably become the killer's next target, and be forced to solve some complicated mystery before time runs out. Either way, it's better not to risk it.

169. If you make a discovery that will likely serve as a plot point and feel compelled to tell a friend/work acquaintance/partner about said plot point, don't tell your friend/work acquaintance/partner to meet you at night at a secluded spot. This will only guarantee your death as previously stated in the previous rule. In fact, don't try to tell your friend at all. This may allow you to seize the role of main character, thereby increasing your chance of survival.

170. In the event you are a serial killer/villain, don't use machinery in your plans/killings. This only guarantees that you will accidentally fall victim to said machine for the purpose of irony.

171. Avoid setting yourself up for ironic situations. The universe has a dark sense of humor.

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12 hours ago, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

170. In the event you are a serial killer/villain, don't use machinery in your plans/killings. This only guarantees that you will accidentally fall victim to said machine for the purpose of irony.

171. Avoid setting yourself up for ironic situations. The universe has a dark sense of humor.

172. Should you ignore rule 170 don't devise an elaborate death for your enemy kill them immediately and simply.

173. Should you ignore rule 172 don't spend time gloating/ explaining your plot to your enemy due to rule 171.

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