10 March 2014- LerroyJenkins - Fractured prologue (v)

[LerroyJenkins]

This is my first submission, I'm excited to see what you all think! Please tell me any and all thoughts, feelings, corrections, etc. I want to know anything you find that bores you, jars you from the story, or confuses you. thanks for the help!

[jagabond]

Minor grammatical note, when italicizing your character's thoughts, you want a comma before "Eve thought", not a period.

 

The opening could be trimmed down or maybe even cut. We're told about the empire and its rules and Eve's place in it, and it feels like showing dressed up as telling, if that makes sense. You can dive right into the fact that Eve has stolen something from a rich person in her monotone world, and the reader can put in the details themselves. Same with the Judge; if we know our protag is a thief, the fact that she's avoiding someone called a Judge allows us to paint the picture in our head.

 

In general, I'm unsure how to feel about it. I didn't learn much, other than Eve had to abandon her most recent thieving job because her world is under attack. I think it would benefit the reader to have more concrete ideas, like how she's paralyzed at the end. I assume the Enforcer stopped chasing her because of the ensuing chaos, but I'm not sure.

 

So as a prologue, I'm not sure what it's trying to accomplish. As an introduction to Eve, or to the mundane world being torn apart, or to some random threat, I would have liked to know more, but the bulk of the description gave me a lot of info without much to really sink my teeth into, you know?  I wouldn't say it's boring at all, but a tad unfocused.

[styn]

This was an easy read for me. Also its nice that I actually can get in on the beginning of a story even though I randomly joined a week ago. There is a steady amount of action to keep the information dump interesting. The transition from get some money to get to saftey was decently executed. I felt that Eve was engaging and I was sympathetic to her plight. I definatly want to know more about this story.

That being said there were a few points that I thought were strange. Why are the judges raiding the black market during an assualt on the city? If an Enforcer is going to break off mid chase then I can't believe that the Judges aren't also going to be needed to defend the colony. If you need a plot device to get Eve to the city gate then just have a rival gang or something be taking advantage of the coming chaos.

The second point of confusion for me was how Eve would even be able to leave the city. Maybe this is my military background talking, but if sappers or artillary blow something up, infantry is ready and waiting to take advantage. There are a multitude of ways that you could have Eve exit the city that don't have her going through a blown up gate, straight into an oncoming army. Depending on where the story goes next, this might not even be important. Does Eve really need to be outside the gates when she collapses?

There are a few minor spelling and grammer mistakes. You jumped to present tense a few times. I'd recommend doing a reread in a few days, you shouldn't have any trouble catching the inconsistancies if you read through it slowly after enough time has passed to let your eyes see what's actually there and not what you thought was there. Either way nice job, looking forward to seeing more of this.

Edited March 10, 2014 by styn

[manaheim]

I had a hard time with this one.

 

I get the impression that you're new to this (not that I'm not, mind you), but I see some common problems that I run across with newer writers.

 

You might want to try to look at each one of your paragraphs and ask yourself "What am I trying to show in THIS paragraph?"  Then look for anything in that paragraph that doesn't belong to what you're trying to show... and either insert a new paragraph, remove it, or move it to another more appropriate section.

 

I want to say you have too much exposition, and the pacing needs help, but I think a lot of that is really just the organization of the ideas.

 

I'm going to try to come back to it again later when I'm more awake, but wanted to let you know my initial reactions.

[LerroyJenkins]

these are all great critiques, and I heard a lot of things that will definitely help a lot as I go through this and I would like to address most of your comments really quick. 

    

     @Jagabond: First of all, thanks for the grammar help, I've never really tried italic thoughts and I'm glad they didn't seem to cause too much of a stir. I was afraid that it would seem to be a chapter in which, even though there is action, it seems as if not much information is given. This is because I intend to have the story truly start in another nation and wanted the reader to know some about the Empire, but have it be mysterious enough to still incite interest when it becomes more involved later on. If you're willing, I would like to hear what exactly you think you would need to know about the Empire and about the judges to get you acquainted enough to encourage interest.   

 

      @Manaheim: I am definitely a greenhorn, I have written stories before but they were idle wish fulfillment at best. I wrote this thing in one ugly continues block, then separated it when I found out I was being  a moron, so yeah, I will surely fix that right up. In one version with different characters, i had it in a class of sorts and had an unholy amount of a background information dumping going on in the form of a history lecture, nixed that but i still knew that it was going to be a lot of info in some spots. 

 

      @Styn: I just have to say, you nailed both what I wanted to hear, and what I didn't, so at the risk of hurting feelings I crown you my favorite. Real quick; I was still deciding both tense and perspective so I knew I was bound to have missed some stranglers. First came what I was hoping no one would poke through but you did anyway, which sucks for me. I thought about how to force Eve out of the market without letting her make her sale. I can't have the Federation attacking the market for reasons you are not yet privy to. The existence of one literally underground market seemed a stretch but still somewhat believable, but a second rivaling it would bend my crazy government to breaking point. I suppose I might be able to swing a riot from within the market itself, because the market goers already know of the impending attack and wouldn't be called to defense. Lastly, I wasn't sure if anyone would notice the lack of troops on the outside of the gate but you did, and that doesn't suck. There is a reason for it, and you will have to wait to figure it out for a while. Think of it as revenge for killing my poor "judge attack on the market" idea. 

 

All and all this was awesome, and I can't wait for more. I will fix a lot of this really quick, I suppose if you'd like a revised copy, you could pm me and i could email it to you once I finish. Other than that, if I don't get too caught up in school junk i should be able to crank out a nice little chapter one fairly soon.

[Mandamon]

Welcome to Reading Excuses!

Overall I think this has some potential. The writing is good, and the pacing is tense enough to keep reader interest. I assumed this was SciFi at first from "traffic," "Sapient Emprie," and "colony" but then realized it was fantasy as you described the architecture.

I agree with the others on the plot inconsistencies of raiding during an attack and the lack of troops. I think this shows the main problem I had with this chapter. As to it being a prologue, I could go either way, depending on what the separation is between this and Ch1.

pg 1:
I've always had trouble believing in any people that has completely uniform and monotone architecture and surrounding. Just the physical variation between colonies would likely drive some differences.
Also, how does bright archetecture = monotone? I associate bright with color, usually.

pg 2: "Pearls were wildly rare this far inland, that coupled with a gold setting meant she would be able to fetch an outstandingly high price for the whole piece. "
-wouldn't this mean it would also be very easy to trace?

pg 4: "illogically, erratically and obsessively perfect"
-these are not usually adjectives that go together...

pg 10: "that she'd likely swallowed it."
-that won't be fun if it starts burning again. Ah...yes: pg 11.


I want to read more--keep writing! That said, I think you need to do some worldbuilding. Especially, the uniformity of the empire bugs me. If facial expressions are hard to read, that means the empire has been in place for a long time (longer than a generation). Governments trying to impose complete order (monotone surroundings, wearing masks) tend to go corrupt very quickly. The black market is a sign of this, but I would think there would be more signs of individuality, especially for the rich and poor. I would think they would use color on clothing as a sign.

So I think to sum up my rambling: I'm interested, but you're going to have to show me some better reasons for why events happen.

[Robinski]

I rather enjoyed your prologue, there was some interesting set up, I like the idea of the masks, and the image of the judges in red and the enforcers in black. I have some points on detail below, and there were aspects that did not convince me, but my overall feeling was of a piece that is a nice enough diversion, but that did not grab my attention and make me keen to keep reading. I’ll try not to duplicate the comments from others, several of which I agree with.

 

I think the problem may be the absence of a single defining element or theme that sets the piece apart from various other submissions over past months. We have a thief, an oppressive society, an underground movement and a war or incursion by another power – not to mention a female protagonist, which is becoming a cliché in itself.

 

These days, most examples of genre fiction use some or all of these tropes which, I think, makes it vital to frontload your opening pages with any original elements that you have in your story, even if only foreshadowing them (preferably fairly blatantly). If you don’t have an unusual/quirky/leftfield/notably original element, then it is going to put a weighty burden on the shoulders of the characters to be unusual/quirky/leftfield/notably original enough to carry the story to the end – not that I'm saying they can’t / won’t, Eve seems interesting, but she could also be most thieves off the street, so far.

 

Another observation would be to punch-up the style a bit. I thought there was a tendency towards wordiness (which I spotted because I'm wordy in spades, but currently seeking help), and I think the narrative could be leaner and smoother in places.

 

I'm happy enough to read Chapter 1, but I must admit I'm hoping for something that ratchets things up a bit a delivers some surprises.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Page 1 – ‘...radiating from the Imperial hub at the center.’ – Has to be by definition, therefore can cut the repetition.

 

Page 1 – It starts well with the ‘thief’ thought, which is intriguing, but I don’t like that you then lapse into a lengthy description – it saps any momentum gained in the first sentence. There’s plenty of time for us to learn about the surroundings, I think it’s better to grab and hold your reader’s attention first and drip in snippets to illustrate the surroundings as we go.

 

Page 1 – I like the idea of people wearing masks in public, I'm intrigued again, would be even better with the description cut.

 

Page 1 – I find the split infinitives distracting, for example ‘Eve slowly made her way slowly...’

 

Page 2 – ‘...her own luck...’

 

Page 2 – The ring would fetch the outstandingly high price, not her.

 

Page 2 – When you say that mask was the same as any other, I presume you mean its shape, since the others are all white. I think that could be clearer.

 

Page 2 – ‘Eve spun and burst into a sprint to get away from the man in black without a moment’s pause.’ – For me, you don’t need the end of the sentence. Reading that last phrase actually puts a pause into the narrative, and the fact that she has taken the time to register the man in black’s appearance shows us that she has paused.

 

Page 6 – I find it hard to believe that the black market would get news of an invasion before the garrison, when the society is so obsessive in the way it operates.

 

Page 6 – I'm dubious about Jin’s guards letting her in with only a visual search. Why post two guards at your door if they aren’t going to be thorough in checking fort hidden weapons?

 

Page 7 – He sounds like a crime lord to me – master of the underground black market, guards on his door, yelling at minions and receiving stolen goods.

 

Page 8 – It sounded to me like the judge was almost right beside Jin with a raised sword. I don’t see how she can get across the room and out of it before the blow comes down. If the blow is fast enough to hit Jin before he dodges or runs himself, I don’t believe she can get right across the room.

 

Page 9 – ‘...documents aren’t weren’t easy to forge. – Tense confusion.

 

Page 9 – ‘...the gate had already been bared.’ – I don’t understand the use of ‘bared’.

 

Page 10 – I didn’t really get a feeling for the explosion from the description, not one of the size implied by the damage. It seems to me that she would have suffered more injury, even if only from the blast, ears ringing, disorientation, being thrown back, etc.

 

Page 10 – ‘Eve’s mind was blank,’ – There were [edit] was [Dang it!] a handful of apostrophes missing along the way.

Edited March 13, 2014 by Robinski

[jParker]

I have to agree with the other old-timers: I really like the potential of this piece. It's pretty fun and, unless I'm mistaken, definitely a diamond, albeit still in the rough.

 

Things Done well

You're obviously acquainted with in media res; won't have to worry about Fracture being slow/artsy.

 

An epic conflict: interplanetary war. Check. Fantastic legal system plus ruthlessly meted justice, made all the better by Dredd allusions.

 

Sympathetic protagonist: correct me if I'm mistaken, but a down-on-her-luck thief is one of the go-tos. And given our patron's first series...

 

Opportunities for Improvement

 

Your prose is a little scattered and that's something that will get better as you continue to write. Additionally, this piece has far more action than a prologue would usually merit. Not a huge concern.

 

I actually strongly disagree with Mandamon: I'm firmly convinced that Fracture is sci-fi. Now what genre it actually is doesn't matter; it's the fact that there's disagreement about what's going on. Readers should walk away with a decent idea of what's going on in the story. [unless, of course, you're going for a surrealist mindscrew. But that's a whole other thing that I don't have the credentials to address.] 

 

There's also some dubious character action. If Eve has the thieving experience implied, why doesn't she just ditch the ring and dip? Similarly, how has she never encountered a Judge? Also, why is the black market even still around? One would think they'd be the *first* to jump ship. And why is Jin even bothering with the formalities? (7-8) 

 

Again, this is your first submission and these sorts of things are to be expected. Semicolon-however-comma they are things you need to be thinking about in the future? Why are these characters behaving this way? Is it reasonable/justifiable? What am I really aiming to do with this [paragraph/chapter/piece]?

 

That being said, I am looking forward to your next submission and watching your growth as a writer. And welcome.

[jParker]

I have to agree with the other old-timers: I really like the potential of this piece. It's pretty fun and, unless I'm mistaken, definitely a diamond, albeit still in the rough.

 

Things Done well

You're obviously acquainted with in media res; won't have to worry about Fracture being slow/artsy.

 

An epic conflict: interplanetary war. Check. Fantastic legal system plus ruthlessly meted justice, made all the better by Dredd allusions.

 

Sympathetic protagonist: correct me if I'm mistaken, but a down-on-her-luck thief is one of the go-tos. And given our patron's first series...

 

Opportunities for Improvement

 

Your prose is a little scattered and that's something that will get better as you continue to write. Additionally, this piece has far more action than a prologue would usually merit. Not a huge concern.

 

I actually strongly disagree with Mandamon: I'm firmly convinced that Fracture is sci-fi. Now what genre it actually is doesn't matter; it's the fact that there's disagreement about what's going on. Readers should walk away with a decent idea of what's going on in the story. [unless, of course, you're going for a surrealist mindscrew. But that's a whole other thing that I don't have the credentials to address.] 

 

There's also some dubious character action. If Eve has the thieving experience implied, why doesn't she just ditch the ring and dip? Similarly, how has she never encountered a Judge? Also, why is the black market even still around? One would think they'd be the *first* to jump ship. And why is Jin even bothering with the formalities? (7-8) 

 

Again, this is your first submission and these sorts of things are to be expected. Semicolon-however-comma they are things you need to be thinking about in the future? Why are these characters behaving this way? Is it reasonable/justifiable? What am I really aiming to do with this [paragraph/chapter/piece]?

 

That being said, I am looking forward to your next submission and watching your growth as a writer. And welcome.

[LerroyJenkins]

This great, I'm loving all this feedback

@Robinski: I'd been hoping you would critique my piece. You break them down page by page in a very thorough way. first off I hear what you're saying and agree with your first few paragraphs. But I do want to let you know that I knew Eve would be a pretty stereotypical protagonist, she so she isn't. Although she will be a prominent character. now for the rest, lets see if I can effectively take a page from your book...

-fixed; agreed*; thanks; Never noticed that, will fix; noted; noted; agreed; agreed; true**; agreed**; agreed**; agreed**; Oops; typo***; I'll spice it up; Oops again.

*My setting Isn't conveyed accurately, yet I'm still too wordy, further suggestions?

**It is clear that my entire market scene needs to be heavily edited, all these issues and more will be addressed.

***I meant barred, but if this is still unclear I could change it to sealed or the like.

@jParker: You have a lot of very valid thoughts I'd like to address. Thanks for your encouragement and support for a start! I do indeed need to work on my flow of thoughts throughout the piece. It is just bits and pieces of ideas glued together, so I think I'm going to go through and type it fresh to eliminate as much of the loose bits as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to smooth out everyone's motives through this process as well.

Next up is the grand genre debate. It will indeed be a fantasy, though I have plans for sci-fi sequels in the works. I would really appreciate tips on how to accurately portray my genre early on.

Edited March 13, 2014 by LerroyJenkins

[Robinski]

*My setting Isn't conveyed accurately, yet I'm still too wordy, further suggestions?

 

I used to be very description heavy, but I hope I've learned that one actually doesn't need most of it. E.g. Sure, you need to tell people they're in a market, but once you've explained how big it is, most readers would have an image in their mind that was pretty close to your's - so you don't need to describe what a market stall looks like, how they are arranged or what they're selling (unless relevant).

 

I would try to only describe the things that the reader can't know or imagine, but which they need to know for the particular impression you need or the plot. E.g. is the market busy/noisy or quiet, is there one thing that draws the attention? - an argument nearby, the smell of spices or cooking. Such things can be dropped in using a handful of words here and there, adding to the impression cheaply (in word count terms).

 

I keep using Stephanie Collins as an example - only because I'm reading Mockingjay at the moment - but her style has provided several good examples. On description of setting she is (generally) very Spartan. If you're in the woods she'll just say 'woods', but will only describe relevant details, she would probably only tell the reader there is undergrowth if Katniss is going to hide in it, or describe a tree if she was going to climb it, for example.

 

Hope these comments from a recovering 'wordy' are helpful.

[Mandamon]

On portraying the genre, it's mostly in word choices and descriptions of setting.  Say there is a city on a world:

 

-short houses, cobblestone streets, wood and stone construction, heavily populated market = fantasy or colony world that has forgotten it's origins (Pern)

-brick mansions, steam-belching industry, forward thinking inhabitants, refined metals = steampunk or colony world

-heavy traffic, stylized culture, credits, tall buildings, cleanliness = colony world/SciFi

 

"Colony" and "Empire" are problematic, because they could either be an interstellar empire and colony worlds, or a seafaring empire and colony nations.  A few words can clarify a lot, and be careful of which ones you use to describe.  "Traffic" makes me think automobiles.  "Crowds" makes me think people moving around on foot.

 

Of course all this is generalization, but the reader will make a quick assumption when starting to read and then can be nudged in the correct direction with more description.

[jParker]

 

"Colony" and "Empire" are problematic, because they could either be an interstellar empire and colony worlds, or a seafaring empire and colony nations.  A few words can clarify a lot, and be careful of which ones you use to describe.  "Traffic" makes me think automobiles.  "Crowds" makes me think people moving around on foot.

 

 

Such an excellent point Mandamon. As the living incarnation of the One True God is known for saying, it's the difference between slim and slender. While there may not seem to be a significant difference between word choices, using exactly the right one can save the reader (and yourself) a lot of trouble.

[Robinski]

 

I keep using Stephanie Collins as an example...

 

Not to be confused with Suzanne Meyer of course.

[Sprouts]

A little late to the party on this one, and it has already been covered pretty well.  So I'll just throw out my thoughts on a single element of the chapter, specifically the ending where Eve exits the city after the gate has blown up.

 

The scenes following the gate's explosion feel very abrupt and disjointed.  She runs outside of the city, which up to this point hasn't been described, and is suddenly at a pine forest.  She then faints, and sees a group of people rushing towards her.  This could be intentional, as Eve is likely in some sort of shock at this point, which makes the disjointed pacing make sense.  However, as a reader, it's very hard to picture what's going on due to the fact that you haven't introduced the area outside the city very well. 

 

This could be quickly remedied by mentioning the area surrounding the city briefly earlier in the chapter, or since Eve is in shock, you could try and over-describe, which has the effect of making it feel as if time has slowed down, which could help with the depiction of Eve in shock.

 

Hopefully what I'm saying makes some amount of sense.

 

Overall, you've got your openings down pat, they way you started the chapter made it extremely easy to just jump in and read the first page or two without even thinking.  Which made it even easier to just get strung along for the whole chapter as exciting event after exciting event rolled up.  

[LerroyJenkins]

@Robinski, Mandamon, and jParker: Thanks for all the tips on how to introduce my genre better while simultaneously reducing excess!

 

@Sprouts: Thanks for reading! I had never noticed that, but now that you mentioned it, it'll bug me until I fix go in and fix it. I will likely have her collapse within the colony, this way you'll still have an accurate image of the scene while avoiding unnecessary description. Unless you think that the surroundings are pretty important at this point?