Robinski Posted February 5, 2018 Report Share Posted February 5, 2018 Hey everyone, So, after missing a week, I'll do a short recap. Chp1 - We join Q&M in small-town Canada, at the exciting denouement of the Gren. case, which they wrap up with only a little shooting and a small armchair fire. Chp2 - Q&M, after helping the police with their enquiries, chill out and consider their next case. There are several exciting options, but they tend towards the closest one, because they're that lazy. Chp3 - Q&M head to the airport to meet their client. There is a plane crash. That cannot be good. Coincidence? Chp4 - We meet Eve and Tania up in Yellowknife, where they are busy building genetically-engineered fantasy creatures as a support function of humanity's burgeoning terra-forming industry. Here is Chapter 5. Whatever pops into your head, good or bad, please to share. I'm especially interested in chapter arc, which your guys have never let me off with anyway, but I'm now trying to pre-think it, then delivery it. Best, Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted February 5, 2018 Report Share Posted February 5, 2018 This felt a little slow to start, but likely WRS, trying to remember who's who and what's going on. Things are starting to pick up, and I'm glad we've got the connection to the gene company already. The main thing I'm still unclear on is Q rushing into this job when everyone's against it, and I don't remember him actually accepting anything. You talk a lot about his honor, especially in connection with his wife, but I'm not feeling it yet. Still feels like a tell rather than a show. The second half of the chapter was much better and streamlined, though M doing...whatever she was doing in the interrogation room was a little random. A nice twist at the end of the chapter, so I'm looking forward to the next part! Arc-wise, I think this chapter worked better, but I would like a revelation of what Q saw in the attacker's face, not just that he saw it. Was there something wrong with the gunman's face, or was it just that Q would be able to identify him? Notes while reading: pg 2: "I as good as took the case" --Did he though? pg 3: "actually struggled so hard again " --against pg 3: "No money changed hands. No contract signed…” --That's what I thought. Was there more than them picking through the list of contracts? Did they ever contact any of the applicants? pg 3: "Get these juveniles..." --Referring to who? M. I understand, but Q? pg 4: "but he was still paying the emotional price for his desertion of J." --you keep telling us this, but I don't think there's been a lot of show. I've never gotten a strong connection with J. pg 5: "Squirtle" --Pokemon name-calling is a thing in this future? pg 10: “Be nice to M. She’s a good kid, she just needs your emotional support.” --Eh? This seemed out of the blue. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted February 6, 2018 Report Share Posted February 6, 2018 Overall Slow start, and I don't remember having buy-in for the plot yet, so it took me some time to get invested. Things really picked up around page five and I was hooked for the rest! Good arc through the chapter, and good end! We got somewhere, we had character growth, and the plot moved forward. Most of my quibbles were in the first quarter or so. Nice work! 4 hours ago, Mandamon said: The main thing I'm still unclear on is Q rushing into this job when everyone's against it, and I don't remember him actually accepting anything. You talk a lot about his honor, especially in connection with his wife, but I'm not feeling it yet. Still feels like a tell rather than a show. I agree with @Mandamon. This is exactly my issue I'm wondering, too, if the chapter with the women couldn't be pushed to after this one? There'd be more tension, I think, since we lose some already knowing what creature did the damage. I think if we didn't know, then launched into that chapter right after this one, it would build tension a lot better. Just a thought. As I go - Buble is still popular at this time? Wow. - page three: I demand to know how Q feels about these bulging muscles. I DEMAND IT! - page five: I feel like you missed a lot of potential for tension, especially sexual tension, between these two during the interview. Also, I feel like I missed something. I don't remember the plot, and I don't think it's just WRS. I remember we were headed to the airport, and something exploded, but I don't think I was ever invested enough in the plot for it to stick with me. We might need to be beat over the head with it a bit more - page six: I love M and I will never stop loving M. That is all - page ten: Q thinking M is cute when she fumes, after just having a scene with her using her sexual prowess, is uncomfortable. If she is budding well into sexuality, I'm going to lose empathy for Q fast if he's having any sort of thoughts about his pseudo-daughter - well, that escalated quickly! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted February 6, 2018 Report Share Posted February 6, 2018 Awesome, M. and Q. are back Small time skip: I feel like I’m missing something, since the last time we saw Q. and M. they were leaving the crash site with N., and now they’re being brought in for questioning. Last time the sheriff barely gave them the time of day, now he’s all up in their grill? Still alive: So the client is still alive. Really thought he was dead, as did Q., so I was quite surprised at that. Q. on the other hand doesn’t really react to the news when K. tells him. I get why he wouldn’t outwardly, but inwardly I’d expected at least a little bit of shock – especially, as Q. later mentions, due to the heat involved in the crash. M’s questioning: Truthfully I was mostly confused during the interaction between M. and B. in the interview chamber. The constant switching of being belligerent, nauseatingly innocent, flirting, and her walking around and taking off some of her clothes, tussling her hair…what was she doing? Going for an insanity defense? And despite knowing M. is a teenager, involved in questionable things along with Q., and the fact that the interview room has video surveillance, why is he letting her get to him so easily? He’s the adult and a police officer. He’s the one in a position of power, yet from the interaction it doesn’t seem like it. Also, is it standard procedure now to start a simple witness questioning (since at this point they are not implicated in any crime) with the phrase ‘I was sent here to break you’. Especially towards a minor? In a room where there is surveillance. A lawyer would have a field day with that one. Also, a good cop / bad cop routine usually works better if there’s a good cop in the room. Otherwise you just have a belligerent cremhole and anyone would clamp up when confronted with a belligerent cremhole. M. thinks B. is “unencumbered by a consistent thought process”. From my perspective, they both are. Be nice to M.: When K. says that to Q. I was confused. It felt a little out of place. Why would he give a potential suspect in the case of the crashed plane, and the one who attacked the arts dealer, advice on how to handle M.? He hardly knows either of them. Same with the remark of ‘don’t fight it, you can never win’. To me it came across as weird. Missing person: Uhm, maybe I’m missing something here. R. found T. in the fields, wounded. Rescue workers show up and he goes to meet them, then when they come back T. is gone. Two days later, there is no news about T., R. goes to the police, he goes to the company, but basically hears nothing. T. is completely missing. Then R. tells Q. that his wife is watching T. at his house. What? How did she get there? The order of events that is presented here is confusing. Assassin: The other patient turning out to be an assassin of some sort ramps up the tension, but I have to wonder at the guy’s timing. He had all the time to take care of R. when it was just him, R. and the deputy outside. Instead he makes his move when there are three people in the room with him (R., Q., and M.) and three cops outside the room. If his job was to silence R. before he could talk he should have done it earlier. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 7, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 Hey Man, thank you so much for reading. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: This felt a little slow to start, but likely WRS, trying to remember who's who and what's going on. I thought there might be some of this. I'll let it ride for now. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: Things are starting to pick up, and I'm glad we've got the connection to the gene company already. The main thing I'm still unclear on is Q rushing into this job when everyone's against it, and I don't remember him actually accepting anything. You talk a lot about his honor, especially in connection with his wife, but I'm not feeling it yet. Still feels like a tell rather than a show. Excellent. On the case, I did change that a bit, and it may have become a bit muddled. I've taken a note, and will pick up on the next edit. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: The second half of the chapter was much better and streamlined, though M doing...whatever she was doing in the interrogation room was a little random. A nice twist at the end of the chapter, so I'm looking forward to the next part! Good. On the M thing, I will see how the other comments play out, but I can understand this reaction. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: Arc-wise, I think this chapter worked better, but I would like a revelation of what Q saw in the attacker's face, not just that he saw it. Was there something wrong with the gunman's face, or was it just that Q would be able to identify him? Hmm, okay. Again, I'll see what the others say. I know Brandon is a fan of giving the reveal, because it leads to further questions in the reader. I may well try this that way. Excellent comments, much appreciated. Thanks!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 7, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 Hey, Kais, thanks for reading... <buckles on kevlar vest before progressing further> On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: Slow start, and I don't remember having buy-in for the plot yet, so it took me some time to get invested. Yes, this is a common problem, it seems, not assisted by the skipped week, but still. I accept this. The pick-up of the case needs to be less muddled. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: Things really picked up around page five and I was hooked for the rest! Good arc through the chapter, and good end! We got somewhere, we had character growth, and the plot moved forward. Most of my quibbles were in the first quarter or so. Nice work! Excellent!! Thank you. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: I agree with @Mandamon. This is exactly my issue Got it. I will keep working on this. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: I'm wondering, too, if the chapter with the women couldn't be pushed to after this one? There'd be more tension, I think, since we lose some already knowing what creature did the damage. I think if we didn't know, then launched into that chapter right after this one, it would build tension a lot better. Just a thought. I've tried that. Good suggestion, I think. It will tend to mean I've got two non-Q-M chapters together, but we'll see how that plays. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: Buble is still popular at this time? Wow. He's 124. He's, like, the Tony Bennett of his generation. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: I DEMAND IT! I feel like you missed a lot of potential for tension, especially sexual tension, between these two during the interview. Okay, okay. Let me do something about that... <fixity, fixity, fix> On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: I love M and I will never stop loving M. That is all <3 On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: Q thinking M is cute when she fumes Yeah, okay. Very much NOT intended that way. I'll just cut it: it's a throw-away line. On 06/02/2018 at 1:05 AM, kais said: well, that escalated quickly! Perfect Thanks so much for the comments, Kais--much appreciated. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted February 7, 2018 Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 7 hours ago, Robinski said: <buckles on kevlar vest before progressing further> I crit out of love! I swear! Also I fear the academic peer-review system has stripped any social veneer I may have once had in regards to writing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 7, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 4 hours ago, kais said: I crit out of love! I swear! I never doubt that. Just my little joke. 4 hours ago, kais said: Also I fear the academic peer-review system has stripped any social veneer I may have once had in regards to writing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 7, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 Sorry, Mand. I didn't address your specific comments. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 2: "I as good as took the case" --Did he though? No--but have now tried to be clearer about this. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: "No money changed hands. No contract signed…” --That's what I thought. Was there more than them picking through the list of contracts? Did they ever contact any of the applicants? Oh boy, but there is a short story in Q calling back each of those other possible cases. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: "Get these juveniles..." --Referring to who? M. I understand, but Q? K was referring to the childish behaviour of both Q and M. I've fixed this. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 4: "but he was still paying the emotional price for his desertion of J." --you keep telling us this, but I don't think there's been a lot of show. I've never gotten a strong connection with J. Good call. Guilty of that in TMM, but I have, I hope, made a fix here, and will try to bear that in mind for any future reference herein. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 5: "Squirtle" --Pokemon name-calling is a thing in this future? Kind of. Mary Q had a Pikachu picture on her desk in TMM. Also, people making fun of Q's name has become something of a side-theme. On 05/02/2018 at 8:38 PM, Mandamon said: pg 10: “Be nice to M. She’s a good kid, she just needs your emotional support.” --Eh? This seemed out of the blue. I've adjusted this a bit. To try and make it make sense. Thank you. Great comments; good fixes 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomsta Posted February 7, 2018 Report Share Posted February 7, 2018 Overall So the flashback chapter is just inserted as a once off? Hmmm ... I wonder how that will work in the flow of the whole novel? I think the second half of this is better (see notes below), though it's still not quite clicking for me. Perhaps if I get to read your edited previous chapters that might have changed. I think a we need something established a lot earlier to help build to this chapter and the assassin, so that this chapter feels more like a turning point (end of the beginning so to speak) rather than the first sign of tension/conflict in the story. Notes - Maybe if I knew Quirk better I would get it, but he seems too keen to investigate. Maybe there's more to it that is yet to come? - I'm going to reflect @kais here, I am not invested enough at this point. Granted the fixes you have made to previous chapters could have fixed that, but the through-line at this point from chapter one is non-existent. More drive, more momentum is needed. I think you've settled into the rhythm of the novel too quickly. - The whole interrogation feels very forced. Both M. and B. I think I see what you're doing, maybe, but it's not organic. I don't understand B., and to burst into the room and be so aggressive can be fine, but he doesn't pull it off. Especially since the Sheriff seemed more annoyed than outright enraged or aggressive. - The second half is much better, and I like that we're getting some action. Though, consider it's chapter 5 and we're only now getting to a potential hook. If we can clean up the through-line and get tension building from chapter 1, this can be the first turning point instead of the first bit of tension. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted February 9, 2018 Report Share Posted February 9, 2018 Well, most of what I had has been covered by everyone else. I also was fairly confused by this chapter. The back half had more action, but was also confusing. Why is there an assassin? Why didn't he just kill the dude if he was worried about what the dude might know? If he wanted the injured person, why didn't he follow the dude back to his house (or, just, do some research and look up dude's address and get there first. It's not like dude's going to be moving that quickly...) As I go: "Get these juveniles out of my sight" -- M is one, Q is acting like one, yes? The line made me smile. I really don't understand why Q is continuing with this client-who's-not-a-client. It doesn't seem very like him to stick his neck out with so little either in writing, or to gain from it. I... am not following either M or Q's conversations with their police officers very well. It's like they're having two different conversations that don't interact with each other and neither one is quite lining up with what i remember from previous chapters... Having a little bit of trouble telling the two officers apart. Why is the K one saying be nice to M? He wasn't the one in with her was he? It feels like a non sequitur and I don't get it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted February 9, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2018 Hey toomsta, great to hear from you. On 07/02/2018 at 11:04 PM, toomsta said: So the flashback chapter is just inserted as a once off? Err, nope. There's more to come. Book 1 had another POV thread running through it and this book will too, to some extent. On 07/02/2018 at 11:04 PM, toomsta said: I think a we need something established a lot earlier to help build to this chapter and the assassin, so that this chapter feels more like a turning point (end of the beginning so to speak) rather than the first sign of tension/conflict in the story. Hmm, interesting. I'm filing this one away, and will consider in the next edit from the start. On 07/02/2018 at 11:04 PM, toomsta said: Maybe if I knew Quirk better I would get it, but he seems too keen to investigate. I'm not sure now what you've read, but there is a personal aspect. Were you in for the call from the Old Man? If not, okay. If so, then there's a good chance I need to call that out more. x x x x x x x Okay, this is not working. Thank you all for your comments. Thank you @industrialistDragon, too for taking the time to comment. I'm going to stop here and step back. I don't want to keep going with a through-line or 'plot' that's not engaging readers correctly. I'm going to go back to the beginning and fix before submitting any more. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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