1/29/18 Rogueshar Chapter One Part Two

[Rogueshar]

A small synopsis of the first part, there was a prelude in which the dwarf Uzuri got permission from the king to leave and search for the Great Heroes Reborn. Then in Chapter One A- came home from spending time on the mountains and had dinner with her family and the reader found out she is having strange dreams.

[Mandamon]

Just read through your comments above--I had completely forgotten about the dwarf in the beginning, and the strange dreams. If either of those had made an appearance in this chapter, it would have helped.

This still went very slow for me, and I had trouble not skimming to find out when something would happen. There's a lot of names too, and I can't really keep track of who's who. It was a little unclear who A was marrying at first, though that might be Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS) from the last submission.

This is well written, and I'm looking for a story, but just not finding anything yet. I haven't seen a hook in the first two chapters except for "strangers come to town" which is pretty general. If there's some action coming up soon that would help, but I wouldn't have gotten even this far if I'd picked this up in a store.

pg 1: peak -> peek

pg 3: "nothing most chickens had to say to one another was all that interesting"
--This almost sounds like she can understand chicken-speak, which, given as this is a fantasy, may need clarification.

pg 5: Is C going green with envy over whoever A is engaged to? This is confusing, as I don't think it's been directly stated that she is engaged, or to who.

pg 7: Oh, she's marrying T. Have we met him yet? Starting to get confused with all the names.

pg 8: "The twins were fraternal"
--you already said this.

pg 9: "Blood and ashes"
--have we stumbled into WoT?

[Curiosity's Splinter]

How DARE I start this off by nitpicking small, commonly made grammar mistakes? Really, CS? this is what you do to your fellow writers? "They arranged themself themselves in the sky..."

Apparently so.

Next, the logic of the sentence doesn't make sense. If the colors are arranging themselves, how then can it be God doing it? Yes, yes, he set the sunrise in motion and sustains it, but the way it's worded almost sounds like this, for comparison: "the glasses carried themselves to the table without spilling a drop of water, in such a way only the talented waiter could carry." Frankly, this sentence appears like one of those confounded ones shot in the to-be verb kneecap. Having "were arranged in a natural painting only Alsh could create," sounds better. Ok, I'm done. No more sentence and grammar mongering. I am the LAST person who should be doing that. Really.

Also... I feel very, very uncomfortable and not a little offended that you are making use of a true Name of God. Please use a name that isn't heavily, obviously referencing a real name. It's exceedingly jarring, if nothing else. I have the same issue to a greater extent with Adonalsium (This coming from someone who's named himself after a Shard splinter. Ironic. Yes, yes, I'm self-aware of it)

Ahh, staring at the sunrise, thinking of where the Sun had been, where it was going, and what it might be like to latch a rope to it and sail across the sky to parts unknown in the west... to be more, to accept that yearning understanding that I could be more than what I am now. Such nostalgia. If you tweaked it a bit, this paragraph (which should be two, imo, but that's my Prose Mongol talking) would be splendid philosophy in the poetic vein. I like that. Don't let the common riffraff tell you it's got no audience. They are just not satisfied unless Freiza is making Namek blow up.

Just be careful Ar. Bad things happen to parents of heroes. Their chances of survival literally decrease by the second you hesitate to fulfill your nebulous destiny. But... there ARE pros to being an orphan. While it's less common for females as it is for their precocious male counterparts, orphans tend to increase their heroic values by substantial levels. They are almost guaranteed 95% of the time to engage in heroism successfully. So consider your parents' deaths a useful sacrifice for your own glory. *Odium shudder* Mmmmm, Glory.

Don't ruffle the poor things' feathers! Plumage isn't fur. Gently stroke them. Chickens, of certain breeds (Silkies have about a quarter of the the intelligence of a potato) are intelligent and loving! They will want to be picked up and will often go to someone's leg and lean their head against it, cooing softly with love. I cannot believe farmers used to actually slaughter their own pets this way. People in the past were so cruel, so callous. so desperate for meat. *Starts drooling inadvertently* 

You would be AMAZED at the antics these animals get into. I mean, it actually makes sense, what with all those hens living in a highly competitive harem and all. I'm serious. They fight constantly, form clicks (I think the word may have even originated or been inspired by chicken social behavior), ostracize, grieve, stalk, pout and will shamelessly destroy the eggs of the Rooster's favorite hen. Or just out of spite for no reason at all. And often they hate newcomers. You either hatch together, or you hate the other bird, apparently. You stick with the clutch, even if you HATE the clutch. The clutch is family, the foreigners are bait for the 'raccoons and opossums. (Opossums are the worst, they literally EAT the chicken while it's still alive. At least the Foxes are nicer. I think raccoons do the same thing.)

Oh, so he wasn't conscripted. I don't feel quite so volcanic with disgust and rage now.

I love the Babylonian themed foreigner names. V and R are perfect! I instantly feel a sense of displacement from them.

"Who the object of her offections were changed on a regular basis, up until he left A has been it for quite a while." Oh no. I can feel the urge to do the Heir Grammar. T-t TENSE~ CHANGE! *Insert quavering salute* "Who the object of her offections were changed on a regular basis, up until he left A had been it for quite a while." Ok. We good.

"Still waters run deep. The quietest rivers run the deepest." I am watching you, D.

They're a handful, you know. Sheep. Very stupid. Exceedingly idiotic. I am honestly surprised they sent a teenage girl to shepherd them. How could at killing wolves and bears and who knows what else is she? Just saying. That shepherd's crook isn't going to be enough. Does she have dogs? Dogs would help with the packs of angry predators. And who's watching the poor wool heads if she's gone? I missed that part.

Strawberries aren't really triangular. They're all nice and round and lush and juicy. More conical I'd say.

Listen, wolves are always active, Ar. they have to fill their stomachs. And when you either catch something successfully or die, you go for the big, fat, slow, stupid, loud and smelly, and usually easy prey. Like sheep. Especially the ones that like to wander far from the roving horde. No surprise you don't get sent up there much.

You know... they don't really control how many children they're going to have. Some have none, some... don't last through the deliveries to have many. And the infant mortality and child mortality rates can be awfully high. And this is a farming community. You want as many children as possible. Because they're natural farmhands who don't have to be paid and can't leave even if they wanted to. which is good, because farmwork isn't all meaningless fun. Constant work, and sweat and wasted effort just to keep the food on the table. Say nothing of droughts, rains, rodents, plague, locust, etc.

Their parents must not have a big farm...

Oh shame. Saying that about your own children. It's heartbreaking. But at least she realizes that's not what she wants. Gotta chase the sun. Go, Ar! Chase the sun! Your presence alone is causing the percentage of your friends' survival to plummet. Dear heaven, and they are discussing happy matrimony. It's over. It's done. They're all waving death flags. Terrible, horrible death flags.

"head off too, not two."

Wait, wait wait. Six months is not long. Do they have long-distance telecommunication? Yes? No? If they do, ok. If not, then he probably can't write. Or who knows what. He could be months away by sheer distance. They really are paranoid. Or is the war nearby enough? Their words indicate it's close. I guess the oasis statement is literal. Would be cool to have a scene where war camp fires are sending up smoke over the peaks of the mountaintops. Scary, foreboding, but also reassuring that they are on the other side.

You, Ar, are a very wise girl.

Except when you fall asleep on trees. you are not a cat.

Horses. And there it is...

Good. Slice of life. Don't let people tell you this is too boring. Not every story should have its earlier chapters filled with Designer!child ninja toddlers crossing a battlefield of corpses in the middle of a solar eclipse with machine gun katana in their hands and murder in their eyes while facing down the evil T-rex elemental wizard overlord born from Humanity's sins. There's a quaint adventure in living real life, or the things that happen in real life, without the bloodthirst and viscera.

I liked the chapter. But if you're desperate for more suspense than the kids picking strawberries while encouraging their friend to strip, perhaps refer to Ar's dreams. Maybe have her endure one before waking up that day. Maybe make it a dream that fills her with the impending desperation to leave, to depart, to get out. Or perhaps have them come as sudden visions, with her falling in the orchard, the basket slipping from her fingers to spill berries onto the dirt. Or perhaps in the tree, so that they must find her there later, hanging lifeless by her dress caught in a helpful branch. Or something.

But I find myself not anticipating such a change. Again, slice-of-life. Unless you are going for Star Wars. Then maybe you should have a Deathstar chapter or have some magical death fortress or other looming in the distance. Or just burn the whole Vale and turn it into a pool of ashes and blood while Ar bleeds unconcious from leg wound while she hangs in the tree to escape her ruthless pursuers. I don't know. what is the goal of the story's tone? and what is it called? I don't gots a name, but I want it. Just like I want more chapters.

And maybe a description of Ar. But that probably came in the previous chapter.

Curiosity himself says this chapter was a 9/10 strawberry children for him. As his Splinter, I pass on this message.

Legal Notice: Curiosity's Splinter is not in any way shape or form responsible for the Shard's messages or feelings. Angry rebuttals or retorts will go ignored by his Shardiness, and all requests for personal Investiture will be denied. Curiosity maintains his carefree lifestyle outside the Four walls of the Cosmere, and he would prefer it stay that way. Splinter is also not to be held responsible for any confusion, revulsion, revolution, or angst or hysteria produced by his review. Also not responsible for asphyxiation from excessive laughter. If you have that bad a sense of humor, it's your own storming fault.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2018 by Curiosity's Splinter

[Rogueshar]

9 hours ago, Mandamon said:

 

pg 9: "Blood and ashes"
--have we stumbled into WoT?

I knew that sounded to familar when I was writing. I have recently been reading WoT. Thanks for pointing that out. I am going to change that.

[Rogueshar]

4 hours ago, Curiosity's Splinter said:

 

Good. Slice of life. Don't let people tell you this is too boring. Not every story should have its earlier chapters filled with Designer!child ninja toddlers crossing a battlefield of corpses in the middle of a solar eclipse with machine gun katana in their hands and murder in their eyes while facing down the evil T-rex elemental wizard overlord born from Humanity's sins. There's a quaint adventure in living real life, or the things that happen in real life, without the bloodthirst and viscera.

I liked the chapter. But if you're desperate for more suspense than the kids picking strawberries while encouraging their friend to strip, perhaps refer to Ar's dreams. Maybe have her endure one before waking up that day. Maybe make it a dream that fills her with the impending desperation to leave, to depart, to get out. Or perhaps have them come as sudden visions, with her falling in the orchard, the basket slipping from her fingers to spill berries onto the dirt. Or perhaps in the tree, so that they must find her there later, hanging lifeless by her dress caught in a helpful branch. Or something.

But I find myself not anticipating such a change. Again, slice-of-life. Unless you are going for Star Wars. Then maybe you should have a Deathstar chapter or have some magical death fortress or other looming in the distance. Or just burn the whole Vale and turn it into a pool of ashes and blood while Ar bleeds unconcious from leg wound while she hangs in the tree to escape her ruthless pursuers. I don't know. what is the goal of the story's tone? and what is it called? I don't gots a name, but I want it. Just like I want more chapters.

And maybe a description of Ar. But that probably came in the previous chapter.

It doesn't have a name, I'm literally horrible at naming things that I write. I generally just refer to it as the Fantasy story. Sorry about that, it's a bit of a let down I know. Thank you for the advice about how to make it more suspenseful and the humor. The tone changes in the book, its going to get a lot darker (I personally think), right now it's supposed to have a bit of a feel of innocence though. Without going into a whole lot of detail I began to draft and come up with the meat of the story when I was going through an extremely stressful and painful time in my life. This was my escape from all that. A few of the other characters delve into that pain, but Ar was always supposed to represent the innocence lost that I felt. The tone of the first two chapter has always in my mind been a bit jarring compared to the rest of the story that I have so far. We'll see.

[Curiosity's Splinter]

Dream sequences can make up for the seeming pleasantness, if you want to keep it from being such a shock. But shocks to readers can be good. Just so long as it's not marketed as the next At Home in Mitford.

Names... I know too little of the plot to start trying. Chase the Sun? Reborn of the Lost? Lost of Reborn? Reborn of the Sunrise? Reborn of the Dreams? Sheepmaiden! No, that one sounds stupid.

[Chuck Hossenlopp]

I jumped right in here without having read your first part, so some of this may have already been addressed.

Page 1: This first paragraph struck me as a little too on the nose. It's beat for beat Frodo and Bilbo's lament before their adventures. Belle from Beauty and the Beast did a whole song about this before her *ahem* adventure. (Can we really call her unhealthy ordeal an adventure?)

Your protag doesn't seem to have a real concrete want, just a vague yearning.

Your second paragraph, however, hits me in the guts. (That's a good thing) Having a perfectly acceptable, moderately productive life is my living nightmare! I think that rising above the mundane to become someone that really matters is at the heart of what makes us love fantasy stories so much (and most other genres now that I think of it)

Page 3: Up to this point we've been told everything and shown nothing. Ar knows why her dad has to make an emotionally charged decision without talking to him? That's a missed opportunity for character conflict.

That conversation can also give us some flavor about her brother by having Dad and Ar talk about what her brother isn't doing right now because he isn't home anymore. Show that this poor kid is loved and missed.

Page 4: How do I say this? Referring to R as "the brown girl" made me flinch a little. Saying that her skin was darker than Ar's is fine. But if that's what she would be called in-world, you need to illustrate that this is an in-world thing somehow

Page 7: She had 'weird dreams' in the half that i didn't read, and all of the people and place names indicate that this is a secondary world story, So I'm starting to wonder when the fantasy stuff is going to show up.

Page 10: "She felt content about the Vale again"? She had better start wanting something before we watch her feed more chickens.

Page 11: "What would your parents think..." The beginning of some mild conflict! The dissatisfaction with the Vale should be more constant throughout. he wishy washy "Maybe I like the Vale, maybe I don't" conflict needs to be way more front and center. I wanna see her desperately trying to convince herself that Vale life is for her, and fail miserably. She'll go mad if she has to stay there a single night longer! If only some kind of Call to Adventure would sweep me out my door!

Page 15" The final paragraph is roughly similar to Brandon Sanderson's least favorite way to end a chapter.

"They opened the door and..."

Please fill in the "..." with life changing implications that can only be settled over the course of chapter two

Yes I want to know what the horsemen are here for, but please end the chapter with a revelation. That will help me to crave the details of what the consequences are.

 

[Chuck Hossenlopp]

22 hours ago, Rogueshar said:

Ar was always supposed to represent the innocence lost that I felt.

You can have it both ways. The adults in her life could be warning her about the looming darkness while Ar shrugs it all off to go feed chickens and hang out with her friends. Keep ratcheting up the pressure on her over the first chapter until she can't stop herself from taking action of some kind

[industrialistDragon]

Welcome back! Like @Mandamon  I'd completely forgotten the dwarf prologue was even part of this piece.

"What is there for me here?" Is what A asks herself and it's also pretty much what I asked myself for this entire piece. While bucolic and well put together, I ended up skimming by the end of the first page because there was nothing to catch my interest. Very little is happening. There are some hints here and there, but not enough to keep me reading all the mundane parts in between. 

As @Curiosity's Splinter said, not every beginning has to be filled with blood and action, however readers still need some reason to become invested in the main character. Much of this submission has felt to me that it was at a remove, that the protagonist's reactions were muted and downplayed... it's like she doesn't allow herself to feel strong emotions. The scene that ends with her running off, that was getting there, but then she talks herself out of it with a nostalgic memory and a nap.  If the main, POV character doesn't feel strongly about her surroundings, why should the readers? If the character does feel strongly, even if that feeling is conflicted, I think it needs to be portrayed as such. If she is just being oblivious, then like @Chuck Hossenlopp has suggested, making the portents she is denying much more obvious would give readers the "hook" necessary to keep going.  Either way, readers need something. 

[kais]

Good to see you again!

Overall

It's still missing a hook and a through line. We're getting a ton of day-to-day, but not really anything to help us want to root for Arw. Wanting to leave home and go on an adventure is a very, very common plot for books, so what makes Arw different? Why do we care about her finding herself and going on adventures, specifically? What are the stakes? Right now, there appear to be no stakes, and without stakes, it is hard to care about characters and the world.

Keep at it! 

On 1/29/2018 at 7:52 AM, Mandamon said:

There's a lot of names too, and I can't really keep track of who's who

I also had this issue

On 1/30/2018 at 4:09 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said:

Your protag doesn't seem to have a real concrete want, just a vague yearning.

Yes, this. It'd be nice to know what she wants.

 

As I go

- not a very catching first sentence. Waking up as the sun rises doesn't really help me invest in the chapter

- I'm having a really hard time separating The Vale from a GoT reference

- I think you could start this chapter with the "it's been six months" line, and get much better reader buy-in. Naval-gazing at the start of a chapter tends to lose readers

- if farm boys aren't worth anything to the army, would they bother to bring the bodies back?

- page four: WRS, or did we get skin tones on Arw and the rest in the first chapter? If not, you've got your default set to white and you'll want to remedy that

- page four: still looking for that through line. What is the plot to this book? What is the direction? Why do I care about Arw?

- page five: using the word 'exotic' in relation to someone just because they have brown skin is really frowned upon. It also further demonstrates the default white status of your characters. Check out this website for help in writing non-white characters.

- page eight: you've mentioned that the twins are fraternal twice now

- page eight: yup, no skin tone on these twins. Make sure to note the skin tone of all your characters, not just the ones that aren't white. Avoid the default-white narrative

- page 12: so am I correct in that the plot appears to be 'Arw leaves the farm and becomes independent without a man'? I'm all for this as a plot, but I don't think we need two solid chapters of farm life to get there

- I'm interested in the strangers, and the end of the chapter is a mild hook, but I never would have gotten this far if not critiquing

[Rogueshar]

Thanks to everyone who commented on the second part of chapter one. I am unsure as to what I should do next? Should I edit chapter one before submitting again or should I continue on with submitting chapter two? I'm not sure what authors here generally do.

Edited February 4, 2018 by Rogueshar

[Mandamon]

Personally, I'd want to see what's in the next chapter, but either is fine.

Have you finished writing the story yet? If you haven't it's usually a good idea to finish before starting revisions. That way you can see if anything comes out at the end that can make the beginning tie in better.

[Rogueshar]

Okay, I'll continue on then. I just wasn't sure since a lot of critiquers sounded like they were skimming.

[kais]

10 hours ago, Rogueshar said:

Thanks to everyone who commented on the second part of chapter one. I am unsure as to what I should do next? Should I edit chapter one before submitting again or should I continue on with submitting chapter two? I'm not sure what authors here generally do.

As @Mandamon mentioned, entirely up to you! Some people hash through the first few chapters a few times before moving on, others just push through. We're here and happy to read, so you do you, and we'll be here to give feedback and help, regardless. 

[Chuck Hossenlopp]

17 hours ago, Rogueshar said:

Okay, I'll continue on then. I just wasn't sure since a lot of critiquers sounded like they were skimming.

Folks here can tell you that I'm struggling with my opening chapters, but I believe in my story enough to throw that beginning out and rebuild it word by word. The skimming happens not because your words don't flow nicely. They do.

I knew my first chapters had their problems, but I eventually stopped rewriting the beginning over and over and finished the book. As a result, I now know my characters and world so much better.

The beginning of a story has to be so front loaded with world and character building that I'm convinced that the beginning should be written last. The front third of my book was painful to write (because there was an evil goblin on my shoulder telling me how much I sucked) But the rest of the book flowed way better and I had a lot more fun writing and rereading it. The goblin never goes away. You just start to figure out that he's not always right.

Consider this first chapter a discovery writing exercise and take us forward. Figure out why you care about this story and show us that.

[Robinski]

Hey, glad to be reading the next part of your story. Without further ado…

• I hope you don’t mind, but I've done separate in-line comments, which I will email to you. I felt there were quite a few niggly things, and I didn’t want to weigh the thread down with grammar stuff. I hope it’s helpful.
• “It would throw her off…” – I have found great benefit to my writing in getting rid of imprecise and unclear references. The word ‘it’ means absolutely nothing; it purely refers to something else. So, using ‘it’, and words like it, is a missed opportunity to add texture and meaning. My suggestion here then is to try something like “This mood would throw her off…”, or ‘there thoughts’—pretty much anything other than ‘it’ would be better.
• In a similar vein, when you are talking about emotions or thoughts, I think it’s a good idea to avoid imprecise words like ‘seem’ and ‘thought’ and ‘maybe’. These words make the reader doubt the character’s conviction, and that tends to translate into doubting the writer’s conviction. So, instead of saying “She seems snappier…”, why not say “She was snappier…”? I don’t see a reason not to, and I think the alternative is much better, leaving the reader certain of the emotion the character is feeling.
• I have a fairly consistent issue with the sentence structure. Is it just me? Maybe I'm wrong, but I would suggest doing some research on this. I’m finding a lot of the sentence breaks in what, to me, is the wrong place. There’s no law against having short sentences, one per idea, thought or action. Usually, it’s clearer. Try reading it out loud and see if you don’t think you are making longer pauses where, in fact you’ve got commas at the moment. If in doubt, start a new sentence, imo. I think it’s usually pretty clear (when reading aloud) where one thing (sentence) stops and another starts.
• “just what power they could attain from the deaths of others” – for me, this is a very black and white presentation of the issue, and possibly a bit naïve. Okay, she’s a young woman, so that it fine, and in character, I'm sure. So, please forgive me if I'm doing you a disservice, but it’s a good chance to discuss the issue. While some of the upper classes may be like this, it’s rarely so simple. I think stories or characters with very simple, black-and-white morality can feel a bit shallow. I’m not complaining about this part here, at all, because it’s in character, but what I'm hoping is that she does go out in the world and learns that not all of the upper class are pantomime villains. Even the worst of them might be wracked by guilt. I think there are some great examples of this complexity, like Denethor, Elend Venture (have to mention him, of course!!), MacBeth—in fact, pretty much any Shakespearian protag. They are pretty much never all good or all bad.
• “Nothing bad ever happened to royalty, nothing that couldn’t be solved or paid for” - <cough> Okay, now I know she’s being ‘deliberately’ naïve It’s a fantastic opportunity for character development of course, and I do enjoy stories where characters’ views of the world are transformed quite radically. I’m on board!! I just hope we get out into the world fairly quickly now, and don’t drag our heals on the farm.
• “soared in the air for a foot or so before losing altitude and hitting” – I would not characterise a foot in the air as soaring. Birds soar high in the sky. Also, I would not characterise a foot in the air being ‘altitude’, even though it is technically, it sounds too grand for the reality.
• “she ruffled a few of their feathers” – conventionally, this is a bad thing, ruffling someone’s feathers is to aggravate them. Is this something that hens like? Like patting a dog? Really? Also, when you said the hens perked up; do they do that? I have no idea.
• “The River---- farm was the second closest farm to the Wood----” – AHHHHHH!!!!! I get it now. These are family names. I did not think that was clear before, when you were talking about the farms. That's why I suggested deleting 'The' before the farm name. To be honest, those names sound very much like the names of places, much more than of people, and that is what threw me before. I think I would have benefited before from knowing that those were the names of people.
• On Page 5, you introduce a lot of people very quickly and there are a lot of rather inane (sorry), greetings. I skimmed over this. It’s no accident that people in TV shows and films do not speak all the greetings that we might when meeting someone. It’s because it’s totally predictable. It’s expected, and it’s good form, but it doesn’t make for good fiction. Also, I found it too many names to cope with at once, which just reinforced my inclination to skip ahead. Basically, it’s small talk. Sorry to sound harsh.
• “red triangular berries” – I would have said strawberries were conical; they have three dimensions, after all.
• “more green, unripe ones that would be ready tomorrow or the day after” – is that true, do they really ripen so quickly? Did you research that? I can’t help feeling that is unlikely, for a strawberry to go from green to ripe in 24 / 48 hours. I’ve done a little quick research and understand that (most) strawberries go from green, to white, to red. I don’t know, just, sceptical.

Sorry, I lost it around Page 7 and had to stop. I’m afraid this is just not for me, but I want to put this into context. I don’t want you to think that I couldn’t hack it because there was insufficient violence, action or magic, etc. I am perfectly happy to read a slow burn of a novel. I have very broad tastes, taking in the classics, including Jane Austen, Dickens, Shakespeare, etc. Many of these works dwell on social graces and domestic situations, but first and foremost they entertain. I’m afraid I don’t care about who is marrying who and when the wedding is, or when the cherry picking will begin. Because I knew nothing about the characters, I had no reason to be interested in the minutiae of their lives.

I have no problem in having a scene about this, as long as the story is on the way to somewhere more entertaining, but I think you could cut most of this and summarise greatly so that we can get on to Ar leaving the village and going out to explore the wider world. A little of the domestic stuff goes a long way. I would say very much that you need to get past it as quickly as you can.

Sorry not to be more positive. I’ll be interested to read the comments of others now. Maybe it’s just me. Best of luck!  

<R>

[Robinski]

On 05/02/2018 at 2:53 AM, kais said:

As @Mandamon mentioned, entirely up to you! Some people hash through the first few chapters a few times before moving on, others just push through. We're here and happy to read, so you do you, and we'll be here to give feedback and help, regardless. 

I certainly would warn against going back to edit. The very real danger is that you get stuck in eternal editing and never finish the story. Finishing the story is soooooo important. Writers write stories, not first chapters.

I'm concerned about how harsh I was. I thought that the first chapter was entertaining, and I was beginning to like who Ar seemed to be. My problem is how very slow the second half of this submission was.

Another way to think of it is, 'How many of these characters will be important in the main story? If they are not, cut them. I think the problem is lack of focus, absence of surprise or creating curiosity in where the story is going. We all know how weddings go, how harvesting crops goes. I want to read about things I don't know about. The wider world you've created. Where her brother is? Politics and passion. Adventure (doesn't need to be fighting / war / battle).

Going into the domesticity so very early runs a real danger of turning readers off if this is not what the story is about. How do you see it being marketed? Is it a high fantasy? That's what I'm expecting after the dwarf section, but that's not what I'm getting. in this submission.

Whatever you so though, don't stop! You've got a good character. Do you have the plot mapped out? Which bits excite you? Try and get to them as quickly as possible, imo.

[Robinski]

On 30/01/2018 at 1:28 AM, Rogueshar said:

It doesn't have a name, I'm literally horrible at naming things that I write. I generally just refer to it as the Fantasy story.

Don't worry about it. You don't need to name it now. You don't need to name it till you're finished. You'll probably just change it anyway