20180116 - toomsta - DUSK - Chapters 1 & 2 - 4796 words (V)

[toomsta]

Hi Everyone,

This is a rewrite of the beginning of my novel, courtesy of the feedback I received last time. I won't spell out the changes, you can just read it like you're reading a new story.

 

I'm not entirely sold on all the elements of the story, but I think I am on the right track so its best I work on the content and come back and change anything I need to later.

 

I do hope you enjoy this.

-toomsta

[kais]

Overall

I thought it started out strong, but you lost me in chapter two. I need more backstory on the girl, I think, before I can get behind the fight scene at all. I'm also not sure what you're trying to go for in terms of sympathetic characters, and I'm left with a lot of 'meh' about the girl at the end of the second chapter. 

Keep at it! I did enjoy chapter one!

 

As I go

- that first line is still not a good hook. Generally, you should start each chapter and end each chapter with a hook, to keep people engaged and reading. This is especially true for first chapters of books, otherwise known as 'the cold open'.

- page one: +1 for good wood choice for a bar top. If it were me I'd have gone with a white oak, but white oak has better uses, such as whiskey barrels, so I assume red oak was what was left over. I approve of this world and it's well thought out use of oaken materials

- page three: common wood names aren't proper nouns but oh my god are we going to have a conversation about wood species? I am right here. 

- page four: why is the design more fierce on the women? Is this a breast allusion? It feels awkwardly male gaze, but also confusing, like maybe I'm not getting some joke

- the end hook of chapter one is a good one!

- 'tensed' is not a proper noun

- page five: allusion to rape needs a warning in your sub, please. Not a fan, and it doesn't really serve a purpose here. Why not just burn the mother, too?

- page five: 'smelt' should be 'smelled', unless there are fish involved that I don't know about

- page seven: 'armor' is not a proper noun

- page seven: this is a girl who is delighting in the idea of charging a man twice her size, after already being cracked on the side of the head? This just doesn't ring realistic for me. From the way she was described earlier on, I got the feeling that she was twelve, maybe thirteen. There's a whole lot of sore and awkward going on with a thirteen year old girl, and this sort of battle lust just seems... out of place, unless you do some more build up and backstory

- page eight: So chapter one spent a decent amount of time building sympathy and tension around this girl who was about to get arrested, but the way she is fighting and acting in chapter two makes me view her as the villain. I don't know if this is what you are going for, but it kills the tension for me. She also seems to have aged up a lot in these two pages

- the drowning doesn't really build any tension as a chapter end, because I don't care about this girl anymore.

[toomsta]

Thanks @kais. You can probably tell I haven't been writing for all that long, really only two years, and in that time between work and family it's not that much. So getting this kind of feedback is awesome, I really do appreciate it. You've all be so up front about it, and accept my feedback in return, so I have really enjoyed my first few weeks here. 

I'm glad you found chapter one much stronger, really happy about that considering the feedback I got last time. I'm still not happy with it, I will clean it up and change/add a few things at a later time. 

I do hear you about chapter two. I started reading Iron Gold by Pierce Brown today, and instantly I can see how good he is at introducing a new POV character. I'm going to learn from that example and rewrite chapter two with a much greater character focus, spelling out who Ilse is. I think if you have more background on Ilse things will make more sense, though I should probably tone down some of the elements that turned you off.

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- page one: +1 for good wood choice for a bar top. If it were me I'd have gone with a white oak, but white oak has better uses, such as whiskey barrels, so I assume red oak was what was left over. I approve of this world and it's well thought out use of oaken materials

- page three: common wood names aren't proper nouns but oh my god are we going to have a conversation about wood species? I am right here.

 

Hopefully you'll enjoy this place then. I want to keep going back to it. The concept is that the inn was built by foreign sailors, and they did it by bringing their own piece of home. Hence all the different woods. In terms of using the common wood names, what do you suggest I do? I'm all ears to the correct way to write this.

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 page four: why is the design more fierce on the women? Is this a breast allusion? It feels awkwardly male gaze, but also confusing, like maybe I'm not getting some joke

Just chalk this up to some clumsy writing. Bladr is big, he equates fierce with big, he's impressed that the leatherwork can make a smaller person look fierce - that's all. I'll rewrite.

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page five: allusion to rape needs a warning in your sub, please. Not a fan, and it doesn't really serve a purpose here. Why not just burn the mother, too?

Yeah, wow, had no idea that could be an allusion to rape. She was literally broken, as in broken bones. Will fix. You'll get a flashback to what happened about chapter 5.

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 page seven: this is a girl who is delighting in the idea of charging a man twice her size, after already being cracked on the side of the head? This just doesn't ring realistic for me. From the way she was described earlier on, I got the feeling that she was twelve, maybe thirteen. There's a whole lot of sore and awkward going on with a thirteen year old girl, and this sort of battle lust just seems... out of place, unless you do some more build up and backstory

Hear you loud and clear. I'll give you her background so that when she does what she does here hopefully it makes sense and feels natural for her.

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page eight: So chapter one spent a decent amount of time building sympathy and tension around this girl who was about to get arrested, but the way she is fighting and acting in chapter two makes me view her as the villain. I don't know if this is what you are going for, but it kills the tension for me. She also seems to have aged up a lot in these two pages

She's meant to be fourteen, you've never seen a fourteen year old girl who has been trained from a young age fight? It's pretty shocking how good they can be.

I'm really happy to hear chapter one worked mostly, so I think if I spend the time to make you more intimate with Ilse, it will make more sense. Though I suspect I'll have to tone some of it down.

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 the drowning doesn't really build any tension as a chapter end, because I don't care about this girl anymore.

I'm hoping with the backstory I won't have to change this. But I can see my mistake. I was too focused on what happens and why, without caring enough about the character themselves.

Edited January 17, 2018 by toomsta

[Mandamon]

This is a really impressive rewrite from what I read last time. Your writing skill is good, but as @kais says, there are a couple problems with the characters.

I got a little lost in the first couple pages--it seemed like the focus jumped around a bit. I know that's kind of vague, and it may have been just my reading.

9 hours ago, kais said:

- page three: common wood names aren't proper nouns but oh my god are we going to have a conversation about wood species? I am right here. 

Lol--I knew @kais would pick up on this... Seemed a little random to me, unless it's a continuing theme.

9 hours ago, kais said:

- page four: why is the design more fierce on the women?

I was also a little confused here, but your explanation above makes sense. I think some rewording will help.

On chapter two, I was a little confused with what powers the girl has. There's the illusion thing, and the energy bubble thing, and then she can also heal. Plus, Bal in the first chapter only mentions the illusion.

I also thought it a little strange that the girl charges right in to the fight--I also was envisioning her slightly younger, so maybe more character building before will help. Though I will agree with you (and disagree with Kais - gasp!) that a 14 year old trained in fighting can be quite vicious. If you make her training a little clearer it will be more believable.

I'm still very interested in where this story goes, and looking forward to the next chapter. Great job on the rewrite!

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: There are a lot of names in the first paragraph...

pg 2: The prose is good, but I feel like this is jumping around topics I know nothing about, and I'm a little lost.

end of pg 2: I'm starting not to care, because I don't have connection to any of these arrogant folks, and there's some infodump on magic powers.

pg 3: You say that Bal is afraid, but then only explain why afterwards. If you switch these paragraphs, you can show that Bal is afraid without telling.Also, does all the wood types have a significance? Seems kind of random.

pg 3: “She doesn’t just cast illusions"
--How does Bal. know that the kid's power is like this? Couldn't it be something they haven't seen before?

pg 6 "she reached in the void and energy free from it."
--seems like something's missing in this sentence.

pg 7: "She popped a hastily placed bubble of energy"
--I'm missing something. I understand the girl has illusions, but not sure what the energy is and how she uses it. 

pg 7: So she has healing powers too? I was on board with illusions, but there's some power creep here. Especially so because I think she could handle the fight with only illusions. It would make it a more exciting challenge.

There is some random capitalization in this.

[toomsta]

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This is a really impressive rewrite from what I read last time.

Wow, appreciate the very kind words.

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On chapter two, I was a little confused with what powers the girl has. There's the illusion thing, and the energy bubble thing, and then she can also heal. Plus, Bal in the first chapter only mentions the illusion.

I also thought it a little strange that the girl charges right in to the fight--I also was envisioning her slightly younger, so maybe more character building before will help. Though I will agree with you (and disagree with Kais - gasp!) that a 14 year old trained in fighting can be quite vicious. If you make her training a little clearer it will be more believable.

 

I see the mistake. Next submission will be a rewrite of chapter 2 more focused on the backstory for the girl, reducing the fight to a much simpler encounter.

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pg 1: There are a lot of names in the first paragraph...

pg 2: The prose is good, but I feel like this is jumping around topics I know nothing about, and I'm a little lost.

end of pg 2: I'm starting not to care, because I don't have connection to any of these arrogant folks, and there's some infodump on magic powers.

Yup, will simplify a lot I think in general in future edits. Spend more time on each point and drop as much as I can.

 

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pg 3: “She doesn’t just cast illusions"
--How does Bal. know that the kid's power is like this? Couldn't it be something they haven't seen before?

I was hoping the conversation around the stones would show Bal's deductions, and his conclusion that he'd seen this once before in the past. I think if I take more time, and focus more on B- and his thoughts this might be clearer.

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pg 6 "she reached in the void and energy free from it."
--seems like something's missing in this sentence.

pg 7: "She popped a hastily placed bubble of energy"
--I'm missing something. I understand the girl has illusions, but not sure what the energy is and how she uses it. 

pg 7: So she has healing powers too? I was on board with illusions, but there's some power creep here. Especially so because I think she could handle the fight with only illusions. It would make it a more exciting challenge.

 

Bal cast illusions, whereas I- makes you hallucinate. I'll spell that out I think. Have you read The Shaodw of What was Lost? The magic system is not too dissimilar to those books. There are casters, who can source energy from a mysterious void (to be explained as part of the story) and can use it like a traditional mage, energy bolts, etc, lighting (aka electricity). Then there's a higher order of mage, those with talents like illusion. I think I'm just overloading up front, so if I simplify and go through give as much time as I can for people to be comfortable with the complexity I hope I'll be alright.

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There is some random capitalization in this.

Yeah my fault, bloody MS Word keeps changing the words to have capitals, and I just run with it.

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I'm still very interested in where this story goes, and looking forward to the next chapter. Great job on the rewrite!

Thank you again for the kind comment. I'm very glad you're interested.

I think I'll leave chapter one, rewrite it way down the track when I'm fresh. I'll rewrite chapter 2 to be much more character focused and resubmit. I think it's important to establish I- properly before continuing with the story.

[industrialistDragon]

This is much improved!  Chapter one was good, but could probably stand to be streamlined a little bit. I liked the way the dread built, but then it sort of stagnated after the reveal, with everyone kind of turning in circles going "what should we doooo" over and over. 

The action in the second chapter was described well, in that I had a pretty good idea of who was where and doing what, but even then it started to get confusing by the end. It's a pretty long fight. I agree with the others that more characterization for Ily would help a lot. Right now, I don't care very much for her, and I'd be more interested in B as a primary protagonist, but that's mostly because we get so much more of his personality, and are shown a great deal more of why he cares about the things that are important to him. 

 

As I go:

"B turned from him as he spoke" -- from here to the end of the paragraph (six sentences) I have no idea what's going on. seas, eyes, eyes in the seas in the mind in the eyes and someone's dead only not because sea-eye-minds? Honestly, no clue.

Dawnshadow -- MUCH better. much. If I'm right in thinking it's a replacement for the other name.

"especially on the women" So the idea that women look better than men in the armor is really skating awfully close to the trope that women's armor has to look good and be fanservice-y whereas men's armor can be just practical, and that's really not great. I see @kais covered this pretty well, too.  I'm also a little bit wondering why in the middle of this supposed massive crisis he's remarking that his women soldiers look well in their uniforms.  

I'm catching a fair number of grammar issues, spelling errors, and things that're capitalized that probably shouldn't be -- types of wood, random verbs or other nouns, things like that. It gets especially heavy in the second chapter, so much so that I had to reread a few passages to understand them.

I'm a bit confused by the imaginary friend? I thought it was one of the street rats from last time, but it's not? She seems to not do terribly much, either.

I'm also a bit confused by the random not-bridge and the water. Ily's got all this fantastic power and she falls for a lowbie illusion? Can she not detect other magic somehow, along with all the other stuff she's got?  Who's casting the illusion, because it seems like that's a huge range if it's B or one of the soldier-people... I am mostly just confused at this point and don't feel anything about the fact that she's drowning. 

[kais]

13 hours ago, toomsta said:

and they did it by bringing their own piece of home.

I dig it, but watch your regional growths. Mahogany wouldn't grow in the same forest types (or climate) as oaks. 

13 hours ago, toomsta said:

you've never seen a fourteen year old girl who has been trained from a young age fight? It's pretty shocking how good they can be.

Apologies to you and @Mandamon. I didn't mean to insinuate that a young girl couldn't be an expert fighter. More, I'm confused as to her state of mind and the... bloodlust? That might not be the right word. But it doesn't ring true for me. I think if I had some backstory it might. It wouldn't ring true for a fourteen year old boy, either, for that matter. I have a hard time reconciling youth of that age with the level of sheer destruction being shown here, without remorse. It's like we're in the head of a villain with a huge backstory about how the world has driven them to this point over fifty years. It's hard to see that in someone so young. Of course, if you gave her a backstory with a lot of violence in it, it would make perfect sense (or even just a love of fighting), but right now it just... it doesn't sit right.

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

(and disagree with Kais - gasp!)

I've tried to rectify this tear in the space time continuum

 

[toomsta]

Dang, double post - can you delete a post?

Edited January 17, 2018 by toomsta

[toomsta]

23 minutes ago, kais said:

I dig it, but watch your regional growths. Mahogany wouldn't grow in the same forest types (or climate) as oaks. 

Yeah, alright. Now that I think about it, Bal isn't a tree expert, so he doesn't need to notice all the various types of wood.

[toomsta]

25 minutes ago, industrialistDragon said:

This is much improved!  Chapter one was good, but could probably stand to be streamlined a little bit. I liked the way the dread built, but then it sort of stagnated after the reveal, with everyone kind of turning in circles going "what should we doooo" over and over. 

 

Again, like the others, thanks you for the kind words.

Agree on all points too. I think if I'm Simpler, character focused, and clearer, I'll fix all the issues you've raised.

Thanks for taking the time

[Robinski]

After reading your comments on other things, including your very helpful contribution to my own submission, I'm very interested to read your own stuff. So, without further ado:

• “the Bull of Aur…” – is that a typo?
• What’s a Sk*l? Not knowing is really hampering my understanding. There are a lot of names in that first paragraph—seven including the titles—so it’s hard for me to get hooked by the story as I'm trying to parse all the unfamiliar stuff.
• The second paragraph is much better, more atmospheric and portentous. I would consider merging the two, and ditching as many of the names as you can, saving them for later.
• The word is ‘gait’, and how can a gait (stride) by dour?
• He’s in the inn now, I think, and I still don’t know what a Sk*l is. It’s getting frustrating now. Is it another race? An animal? A slave?
• I don’t know what ‘souring his lips’ would look like.
• “Two endless seas” – no apostrophe; just seas, plural.
• For me, some of the language is a bit untidy in the phrasing. Imprecise rather. For example (and this is by no means something that is unusual), “but already boasted a fierce reputation”. I think the correct phrasing is ‘a reputation for ferocity’. Otherwise, the ferocity is attached to the reputation, not the person. This is not exactly heinous, but I think that working on the accuracy of our phrasing and grammar (and punctuation) is something that we all would profit from.
• “though his own Sk*l didn’t move” – so the plural of Sk*l is Sk*l.
• “What’s say…” I've never seen this phrasing before. I’m fair sure it’s “What say…” as in an abbreviation of “What say you that I…”
• “She must be wondering what other power…”
• “The room had been quiet before, but the lack of sound at the mention of D--- made the silence feel deadly. Each of the Sk*l in the room losing their usually confident demeanour.” This is the third of fourth time I’ve noticed this. These are not separate sentences. The second one is not a complete sentence, because of the word ‘losing’, being the present participle. If you sub in ‘lost’, the second sentence would work on its own. Or, combined into one sentence, “…silence feel deadly, each of the…” I only mention because there are multiple of these.
• “If only your reasoning…”
• The Sk*l’s statement about ‘alive’ contradicts Bald’s.
• I’ve got to say when I see the word ‘recreant’ I think ‘replicant’.
• “Their leather Armor, over gold tunics” – Why is ‘armor’ capitalised? There’s no reason for it whatever. If it’s supposed to convey that the armor is special, and different from normal armor, then you need to do that here to justify the use of capitals. The only purpose capitalisation of generis words serves is the cause the reader to stop and wonder why it’s capitalised. I feel quite strongly about this, sorry for ranting, but it’s completely unnecessary and pointless, imho. Why not capitalise ‘uniform’ or ‘caster’. It’s a typo, isn’t it? #headslap
• The barking of orders is going to alert the child, is it not? Doesn’t seem like good tactics anyway.
• “Their one weakness…”
• The wink seems completely out of character. I've got no sense of even a single drop of humour from Bald so far.
• “She gasped for air like a drowning man breaching the surface, the sudden jerk bringing on a fit of coughing.” – Sorry for repeating the point, but this is really annoying.
• “from day’s first light”
• I'm going to stop mentioning typos now; it’s slowing me down when I want to try and concentrate on the story, but there are numerous.
• “This, at least, was real.” – Arrgghh, I can’t do it. Grammar issue here.
• “The long single-edged knife whispered to her, a dark story, one of blood and vengeance.” – As a Michael Moorcock fan, I'm very much on board with this, but it sounds a bit (lot) like Elric black blade, Stormbringer.
• So far, I'm enjoying the girl’s viewpoint considerable more than the other one. Bald’s isn’t bad, but the girl has way more at stake. Also, I'm struggling with her age a bit. Her inner monologue suggests maybe 12/13?
• The anchor scraping the bottom on the sea still has a purpose; it’s trying to anchor the ship. Just because it is not succeeding, doesn’t mean it does not have a purpose.
• “she smelled something” – In my opinion, which you're welcome to :), ‘smelt’ sounds wrong here. It sounds more like the metalworking process. Each to their own, of course.
•  “And how are you going to pay…”
• “Go away, Ast”- comma required.
• “she unsettled her” – awkward. Again, “She saw her own habits reflected in her Ast’s movements.” – Personally, I would never to follow a pronoun with another that didn’t refer to the same person, because of the confusion that results. I think, when you change the character you're referring to, it’s better to use the name to distinguish.
• “she reached in the void and energy free from it” – grammar issue, not sure of the sense of the phrase.
• I don’t know who has long, knotted braids of white hair. Pretty sure there was no description earlier.
• “pole-like” – needs a hyphen.
• “made lightning arc along”
• “locked the eyes with her attacker”
• I don’t like ‘bantered’. If there is banter, and it’s done well, it will appear as banter. If you need to tell us it’s banter, you’ve already lost the spontaneity of it, if that makes any sense.
• “but the woman rammed a knife into her thigh” – here; it sounds like the woman stabs her own thigh. This is what I meant about use of pronouns.
• Repetition of ‘the limb’ is awkward.
• Okay, major issue. Where are all the Sk*ls when the fight between the females is going on? This is classic holiday unreality, where villains attack one at a time. The whole point of superior numbers is to smother the enemy. I must say, this is where I lost patience and stopped reading.

The numerous typos and grammar issues really got my goat after a bit, and kind of set me again the story. I think there is a good character to be had in Il, but I didn’t really feel any sympathy towards her; something about her haughty attitude, I think. I would have enjoyed this more if typos had been edited out. Do you use spellchecker and grammar-checker? The former isn’t the issue, but grammar-checker will pick up all the instances of the wrong word (spelled correctly), and the incomplete sentences, missing words, etc. Far from stifling creativity, live grammar-checker is the writer’s friend.

I liked seeing the magic system at work in the fight, but I found the fight too long, and not especially interesting, because I felt little with any of the characters. Putting characters in jeopardy really only works when the reader cares about them, and I don’t know enough about them yet to care.

Sorry not to be more positive.

<R>

[Robinski]

On 17/01/2018 at 8:33 AM, toomsta said:

Thanks @kais. You can probably tell I haven't been writing for all that long, really only two years, and in that time between work and family it's not that much. So getting this kind of feedback is awesome, I really do appreciate it. You've all be so up front about it, and accept my feedback in return, so I have really enjoyed my first few weeks here.

I feel bad about being harsh now!! I've got to say it kind of shows, but, in that short time, you've certainly developed some skill. Don't stop know!

On 17/01/2018 at 8:33 AM, toomsta said:

I started reading Iron Gold by Pierce Brown today, and instantly I can see how good he is at introducing a new POV character. I'm going to learn from that example and rewrite chapter two with a much greater character focus, spelling out who Ilse is.

Reading is absolutely the 2nd best possible thing you can do to learn to learn to become a writer; other than writing, of course!

On 17/01/2018 at 10:22 PM, kais said:

On 17/01/2018 at 2:13 PM, Mandamon said:

(and disagree with Kais - gasp!)

I've tried to rectify this tear in the space time continuum

Dun, dun, DUNNNN!  

I go along with most of what the others say in relation to points of interest and confusion.

Hey, you submitted this before? How did I miss it? I don't remember it all?! Sorry about that.

[Robinski]

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hey, you submitted this before? How did I miss it? I don't remember it all?! Sorry about that.

Oh, for goodness sake. Right, I see what's happened now. So, it's the same young girl from that other submission that I did not in any way put together with this one. Pah! Apologies.

[toomsta]

21 hours ago, Robinski said:

I feel bad about being harsh now!! I've got to say it kind of shows, but, in that short time, you've certainly developed some skill. Don't stop know!

No, be harsh, do not go soft, do not feel bad. One day I’ll submit something and you’ll all just say it’s good. I want to earn that and know that it’s real.

[Robinski]

21 minutes ago, toomsta said:

One day I’ll submit something and you’ll all just say it’s good. I want to earn that and know that it’s real.

Yikes! With great (critiquing) power, comes great responsibility...  

Edited January 21, 2018 by Robinski

[toomsta]

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

After reading your comments on other things, including your very helpful contribution to my own submission, I'm very interested to read your own stuff. So, without further ado

 

Hey man, thanks for the feedback. I do sense your frustration. I'm not going to comment on the grammar issues, other than to say do you have messenger or something similar? I want to tap your brain, have a back and forth over some of the things you raise.

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

• He’s in the inn now, I think, and I still don’t know what a Sk*l is. It’s getting frustrating now. Is it another race? An animal? A slave?
• “though his own Sk*l didn’t move” – so the plural of Sk*l is Sk*l.

 

I didn't want to pause and explain Skel, but I also get what you're saying. I think I just have to. And yes, the plural of Skel is Skel, that I believe is proper.

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

• I’ve got to say when I see the word ‘recreant’ I think ‘replicant’

 

Hmm... I just wanted a cool name for Apostate without religious undertones. 

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

• “Their leather Armor, over gold tunics” – Why is ‘armor’ capitalised? There’s no reason for it whatever. If it’s supposed to convey that the armor is special, and different from normal armor, then you need to do that here to justify the use of capitals. The only purpose capitalisation of generis words serves is the cause the reader to stop and wonder why it’s capitalised. I feel quite strongly about this, sorry for ranting, but it’s completely unnecessary and pointless, imho. Why not capitalise ‘uniform’ or ‘caster’. It’s a typo, isn’t it? #headslap

 

MS Word made me do it. No seriously, the thing makes me capitalise everything. I need to stop and take charge when I think (know) it's wrong.

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

• So far, I'm enjoying the girl’s viewpoint considerable more than the other one. Bald’s isn’t bad, but the girl has way more at stake. Also, I'm struggling with her age a bit. Her inner monologue suggests maybe 12/13?
• The anchor scraping the bottom on the sea still has a purpose; it’s trying to anchor the ship. Just because it is not succeeding, doesn’t mean it does not have a purpose.
•  

 

Interesting, the opposite of everyone else. 

I might just need to reword. Her memory has purpose, but the feelings one should have associated with the memory are not taking hold.

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

• Okay, major issue. Where are all the Sk*ls when the fight between the females is going on? This is classic holiday unreality, where villains attack one at a time. The whole point of superior numbers is to smother the enemy. I must say, this is where I lost patience and stopped reading.

 

I don't want you to lose patience, and I think I am learning why. Will have to try again. That said, this is explained in chapter 3, though from what I can see that will change. I think I just need to be simpler, clearer.

On 1/20/2018 at 8:24 PM, Robinski said:

 

I liked seeing the magic system at work in the fight, but I found the fight too long, and not especially interesting, because I felt little with any of the characters. Putting characters in jeopardy really only works when the reader cares about them, and I don’t know enough about them yet to care.

Sorry not to be more positive.

<R>

 

I'm cool man, be negative all you like. It might hurt for a minute, then I learn and move on. I don't think you're saying anything new that has not already been said (except for maybe 1 or 2 interesting angles). Appreciate it man. You are no doubt helping me improve!

[Robinski]

45 minutes ago, toomsta said:

do you have messenger or something similar?

I do. What yo you need again to line on MSGr? If you follow the link in my signature to the Reading Excuses F*cebook page, you'll see me on there as a liker of posts (Robin D-----). Linking to my Facebook will let you msg me, right? Or do you only need my email address? I'll message it to you here.

49 minutes ago, toomsta said:

I just wanted a cool name for Apostate without religious undertones

It's probably just me. And just because it sounds a bit like something else, doesn't make it bad/wrong.

50 minutes ago, toomsta said:

MS Word made me do it. No seriously, the thing makes me capitalise everything. I need to stop and take charge when I think (know) it's wrong.

Yeah. That's odd. I certainly find that I need to ignore it sometimes, although I hate those little blue squiggles almost as much as the red ones. Might be worth poring over the Spelling and Grammar settings. There are a lot of options, but you can really get it working for you by going through and toggling things on and off, as appropriate.

52 minutes ago, toomsta said:

Interesting, the opposite of everyone else.

What can I say, I'm a sedentary non-conformist  

54 minutes ago, toomsta said:

Will have to try again. That said, this is explained in chapter 3, though from what I can see that will change. I think I just need to be simpler, clearer.

Really, I don't think it would take a lot to convince me. If you said that the Sk*l couldn't get in to join the fight because of the narrowness of the corridor, or the 'big' hole that got blown in the floor; or maybe that they couldn't get past the woman Its is fighting, probably I would accept that.

58 minutes ago, toomsta said:

I don't think you're saying anything new that has not already been said

Yeah, maybe, but what I'm not very good at saying is that I don't think it's broken, just needing editing, which we all do.

By all means pick away. If I can help at all ill be very happy to  

[Rogueshar]

Sorry for how late this is, last week was the first week back to school for me and I needed a week to get back into the swing of things. 
Things I liked:
1) The world feels lived in, it seems you have created a history and background for your world. 
2) I like your description of the fight sequence in chapter two.

Critiques:
1) I want more explenation of things, I feel like I can't connect to your world yet because I don't know what things are, for example I don't know what Sk*l is. Is it a humanoid creature, is it a class status, what is it exactly, same for A*ch*n.
2) I felt a bit of disconnect as to how I- arrived at the fight. She went out to get food and then suddenly a fight. How did it happen, was she stalked for a while, did they surprise her? 
 

[toomsta]

3 hours ago, Rogueshar said:

Critiques:
1) I want more explenation of things, I feel like I can't connect to your world yet because I don't know what things are, for example I don't know what Sk*l is. Is it a humanoid creature, is it a class status, what is it exactly, same for A*ch*n.
2) I felt a bit of disconnect as to how I- arrived at the fight. She went out to get food and then suddenly a fight. How did it happen, was she stalked for a while, did they surprise her? 
 

Yes, what do they call it? Grounding the work? Reducing abstraction? Either way, I seem to write like I'm in a hurry. Time to slow down and give people a chance to absorb it all. Thanks @Rogueshar, appreciated the feedback.