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Robinski - 180115 - TCC Chapter 3 - 3735 words (L)


Robinski

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Hey everyone,

Chapter 3 of TCC. Any comments greatly welcomed. For any new members kindly reviewing, please abbreviate character names and any 'unique' story terms, i.e. anything made up! Thank you.

Best, Robinski

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Hey there <R>,

I had today off for holiday, and reading subs in the warmth of bed late into the morning was great.

Interestingly, I had easier time getting into this chapter than chapter one. Q &M had that textured, real feeling for me at the beginning that I really enjoy in characters. I like their tense relationship. It teases and hooks me. 

What didn't work for me was the middle chunk after they got into the car. There was so much description about the town and economics and history lost my attention through the middle third. I tuned back in for the ending of the chapter, but because I was skimming at that point to see if anything relevant to the characters' development, I lost the details of what exactly was going on.

Anyway, quick thoughts, but those are the impressions that stuck with me hours later. :) 

/k

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Perfect, thanks /k.

Yes, I can totally see your point with the middle section. Some of the info may well be relevant to the story, but other pieces are not.

I'm so glad that that Q & M are working though, as it's easy enough to cut extraneous background.

Quirk thoughts much appreciated :) 

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I'M SO EXCITED!

 

Overall

I'm not connected enough with the client to care that he was in danger or murdered, which meant tension didn't build with the fire. I think I might need a bit more emotional tie in. Is Q excited for the job? Is M? What does it mean for the client to be murdered? Might the fire spread? Basically I think I need more emotion, and more urgency. But the bones are great!

As I go

- 'they got up late' isn't the most dynamic of chapter openers

- LOL, the ole Alucard joke

- page four: I'm kind of sad Q hasn't taken this opportunity to try high winter fashion. I was expecting a peacoat at least!

- 'face-sucking cold' is an excellent description of parts of the north

- page eight: while I do love all the settings and the dream of winter boots with clickable yak tracks, at this point I'm getting a little antsy for the plot

- you've got a double 'the', top of page ten

 

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Overall

There is a little sense of "meh" here, in terms of plotting and momentum. Coming off a slower chapter, most of chapter 3 is in that same mould. I agree with @kais, we need more background, info on the client, something that makes us feel the tension when they see the fire. So we get a sense of dread, building tension. It's still well written, and enjoyable, but I got the itch to start skipping parts to get to "the good stuff"

Notes as I go:

- No, delayed onset muscle soreness is not a thing :)

- "Mephistophelian", there's those big words again :P

- Some missing words here and there... "Less likely aggravate" has a missing "to" for example

- If it was me, I'd edit out the mundane things like Q- paying for breakfast. IMHO an unnecessary sentence. Of course, this isn't me, so as you were and all that. (unless you agree)

- describing the drive, what Q- see's, etc, with the backdrop of an election is great, but those elements, and the atmosphere created better play a part later on ... 

- M- sum's up my feelings on the drive nicely I think :)

- heh ... VAG ... I'd rethink that one

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I agree with everyone!

Yeah--I think the writing was fine with this one--didn't really have any comments, but the excess description, safety features, driving through the snow, etc. slowed things down a lot. @kais brings up a good point that if we knew more about the client, we'd be a lot more interested in why he was murdered. At the moment, it's just Q&M going through the motions, and there's not even a lot of banter in this one.

Also, you drop a promise at the beginning for them to start sharing information, but it doesn't happen by the end of the chapter. I suspect M volunteering info while Q is desperately hanging on in the GMC would be hilarious.

It picked up at the end, with the N and the truck. She injects a good dynamic.

17 hours ago, toomsta said:

No, delayed onset muscle soreness is not a thing

Eh, I'd have to disagree, from experience. Probably not over three days, but there's been many a time when I've sparred at a class in the evening and felt fine until I woke up the next morning and started hobbling around.

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This one feels a little muddled at the start. With the clear nice twist at the end of the previous chapter, the beginning of this one feels like it lacks direction. I like the parts about Q worrying about the f-in-law, but the rest of it it just feels jumbled to me. 

I like the breakfast scene, it feels very real, however I agree with the others that the car ride is where the chapter gets a little long and saggy.  Once they get to the accident site it starts picking up again for me, but I do admit to skimming some of Q&M's actual arrival there. 

I'm not entirely sure I need more info about the client so much as I'd like to have more reactions for Q&M about the client. If they were more invested in him, I think I would be, too. I consume a LOT of crime drama television, and I've seen it both ways: where the show spends a good portion of the first act getting the viewer to feel for the victim/villain, and where all of the investment is in the investigators and the dead body is just a thing for the plot to revolve around. I do like the idea of M using the crazy car ride to answer/ask personal questions. it seems very like her to pick the most uncomfortable, distracting time for something like that.  

Very good end line! :) (and lead up to it!)

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6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Eh, I'd have to disagree, from experience. Probably not over three days, but there's been many a time when I've sparred at a class in the evening and felt fine until I woke up the next morning and started hobbling around.

Muscle soreness the morning after, perfectly fine. Three days later would mean it's not muscle soreness, it would mean you've actually done damage to ligaments, or pinched a nerve, or something similar.

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I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said. I enjoyed the banter at the start, didn’t really mind the slow-down in the middle as they’re driving to the airport since the bantering keeps going, and once the plane goes down the action picks up nicely again.

Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness: Have to agree with the others here, that if it starts after three days it doesn’t sound like muscle soreness, but something more serious.

The Old Man: For a moment I was thrown and wondering when a call from his old man happened. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone refer to their ex-father-in-law as the Old Man. But maybe that’s just me.

Involvement after the murder: I do wonder why Q. is still involving himself in the potential client’s murder, since Q. hadn’t actually talked to the client yet, there was no contract signed, probably no money forthcoming now anyway, and there are other potential paying jobs still in his inbox. Why not leave the matter to the police and get out of that town?

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Hey Kais, thanks so much for the comments. Apologies for the delay in responding, I wanted to get through my critiques first, and there were a whole FOUR!!

On 16/01/2018 at 0:10 AM, kais said:

I'm not connected enough with the client to care that he was in danger or murdered

Good shout. I've cut a page of background and added 1.5 pages of another conversation with Rowland, including some background. Hopefully will improve these points.

On 16/01/2018 at 0:10 AM, kais said:

'they got up late' isn't the most dynamic of chapter openers

Cut.

On 16/01/2018 at 0:10 AM, kais said:

I'm kind of sad Q hasn't taken this opportunity to try high winter fashion

Hmm, good point. I'll take a look at that.

On 16/01/2018 at 0:10 AM, kais said:

'face-sucking cold' is an excellent description of parts of the north

Directly from my own experience of a mere -28C in southern Canada.

Thanks again; feels improved. I cannot ask for more :) 

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Hey toomsta, really appreciate your comments.

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

There is a little sense of "meh" here, in terms of plotting and momentum.

Yeah, good point, and I hope I've improved this. It's not Dan Brown (lol), but hopefully it's better... than it was! Not than Dan Brown... obvs.

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

No, delayed onset muscle soreness is not a thing

Quirk must be a bit gullible then (check!).

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

there's those big words again

:lol:  I don't make 'em up, I just lay 'em down :D 

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

Some missing words here and there

Thank you, Mr. Pot ;)  Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. Much obliged.

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

If it was me, I'd edit out the mundane things like Q- paying for breakfast. IMHO an unnecessary sentence. Of course, this isn't me, so as you were and all that. (unless you agree)

Hey, please don't feel you can't fire at will. Have at it! No offence taken. This is a good point, and I will strike through it and see how I feel next time I read through. I'm just finished Book 6 of The Dresden Files (which I just, love). Jim Butcher does this stuff all the time. It's like a stream of unconscious (actions). Now, he's Jim Butcher, and no doubt can make it work, or doesn't give a r*t's *ss either way. I guess it's more a part of the noir style that he employs, which I'm not really tapping heavily if at all.

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

but those elements, and the atmosphere created better play a part later on

(a) I'll confirm that they do; (b) that there is atmosphere created is pleasing :) 

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

VAG ... I'd rethink that one

Lol, but it's a real thing. Volkswagen Audi Group. There are no VAG branded cars now, but the future, who knows.

On 16/01/2018 at 10:19 PM, toomsta said:

M- sum's up my feelings on the drive nicely I think

I'd say mission accomplished, but boring the reader was not my mission, so, changed up, as per my reply to Kais.

Thanks again, toomsta, really appreciate those comments :) 

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On 17/01/2018 at 3:23 PM, Mandamon said:

I agree with everyone!

Lol. Thanks for commenting, Mand.

On 17/01/2018 at 3:23 PM, Mandamon said:

but the excess description, safety features, driving through the snow, etc. slowed things down a lot. @kais brings up a good point that if we knew more about the client, we'd be a lot more interested in why he was murdered. At the moment, it's just Q&M going through the motions, and there's not even a lot of banter in this one.

Oh no! I think I've improved things by cutting a page of description and inserting a discussion with Rowland. Also, there is more bants (English slang--to be read in the accent of Micky, Rose's pal from Doctor Who, David Tennant vintage).

On 17/01/2018 at 3:23 PM, Mandamon said:

Also, you drop a promise at the beginning for them to start sharing information, but it doesn't happen by the end of the chapter. I suspect M volunteering info while Q is desperately hanging on in the GMC would be hilarious.

Awesome idea! I'll buy that for 0.000001% of my royalties. That way, you'll get your 2c :D 

Seriously, though. I am conscious of that, and Q dodging it is not very satisfying. I'm taking your advice (again!).

On 17/01/2018 at 3:23 PM, Mandamon said:

She injects a good dynamic.

Excellent :) 

On 18/01/2018 at 2:09 AM, Mandamon said:
On 17/01/2018 at 9:33 PM, toomsta said:

Muscle soreness the morning after, perfectly fine. Three days later would mean it's not muscle soreness, it would mean you've actually done damage to ligaments, or pinched a nerve, or something similar.

Yep--agree.

I'll buy it. Is DOMS the whole lactic acid thing? Anyway, I've modified a bit to highlight that the DOMS went away in the expected timescale, and Q's left with a pull.

Thanks again. Some good improvements there. Excited with these edits :) 

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18 hours ago, Robinski said:

Thank you, Mr. Pot ;)  Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. Much obliged.

Seriously I do proof read. It's like a disease, only once I hit the send button do I actually see missing words, etc. I seriously need to get better at it.

18 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hey, please don't feel you can't fire at will. Have at it! No offence taken. This is a good point, and I will strike through it and see how I feel next time I read through. I'm just finished Book 6 of The Dresden Files (which I just, love). Jim Butcher does this stuff all the time. It's like a stream of unconscious (actions). Now, he's Jim Butcher, and no doubt can make it work, or doesn't give a r*t's *ss either way. I guess it's more a part of the noir style that he employs, which I'm not really tapping heavily if at all.

Likewise!

The Noir style is very much suited to a slower pace and a certain type of story telling because the stories are usually very simple, and instead work off shady morals and grey areas of interpretation. In those stories you expect introspection, and great detail, because without it, there's really nothing. It also helps to establish the moral compass of the world and its nature, even something as simple as paying for your meal tends to build on those things. 

Granted you aren't doing noir, but you could of gotten away with it if we knew where Q and M were headed and the context up front. 

Edited by toomsta
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