2-24-2014 - jagabond - The Dirge of Downtown

[jagabond]

Hey folks!

 

First submission! Hope the email went out alright; I noticed I forgot to tag it L for language... and to put my username on the file. Whoops! Hope that doesn't inconvenience anyone.

 

It's been recently revised and I'd like to send it out, but I'm having trouble really making it pop. I've only had a couple pairs of eyes on it, and one structural beta read.

 

General coherence, issues with characters and flow, and of course merciless evisceration are all wholly welcome.

 

You guys are great with your comments, so let's do this! 

[Swimmingly]

I love it, read it once for the story. I'll do a more in-depth reread when I have more time. The concept is great, and I love the atmosphere - the suspense is fantastic. So yeah, better critiquing coming when I've got some time.

[hawkedup]

I had a lot of trouble critiquing this one, so I apologize in advance for it not being up to what I consider my own critiquing standards. This is the trouble with an online forum. I think this story deserves a red pen and a face to face, but I'll give it a go...

 

I like what you're trying to do with the flashbacks, but I'm not sure it really works until the end.

 

Sometimes I feel like your writing gets in the way. Here are a couple early examples:

 

As much as the first sentence shows off your skill with words, I'd cut it and jump directly into the Dirge since that is the focus of your story while downtown is merely a backdrop. With a story this length, you need to get to the point and I think jumping directly to the Dirge will help the reader later, especially when the exposition dialogues and time jumps start happening.

 

The first paragraph on the second page is that it's awkward and lacks focus. It really takes me out of the story. I think this is what the paragraph is saying, but at this point in the story I'm not entirely sure. I feel like with your skill in language it should only take this one paragraph to understand what the headphones are, why the are important, what the static is, how it affects the Dirge, and how turning the headphones up or down changes the wearer's mentality. As of right now this paragraph might as well say: “He wore headphones that, thanks to the Dirge, he was bold, or crazy, enough to adjust.”

 

As the story goes on I feel it sort of plods because, let's face it, there's way too much dialogue and not enough progression (or illusion of progression). I feel like I'm getting a history lesson instead of reading a story, and that makes the actual “now” story of Marcos in the subway lose some of its flair. For instance, throughout the second section I'm confused as to what the characters know and don't know. I can't tell if this is only partially maid and butler or all maid and butler. I'm wondering if you really need this so early.

 

The ending to the third section is really great. Hooked me big.

 

Why are all your time jumps approximations?

 

By about the halfway point I feel like the story is losing its focus, not because it isn't about the Dirge anymore, but because we're getting lots of characters and names that aren't making the story any better. I'd like to see the time jumps more streamlined and condensed. Even toward the end of the story, I'm not sure exactly what the Dirge is. I mean, I can't hear it. I can't feel what it would do to me if I did hear it, and I think that needs to be fixed. Your reader needs to know the Dirge as well as your character. Keep in mind that this could be a very easy fix, using one or two repeated identifiers or descriptors will give the Dirge a more concrete illusion, allowing you to leave most everything the same.

 

On page 14, I love the description and detail of the ladybug screen saver. Tells a lot about both characters and creates a clear picture. I wish there was more of this throughout the story. Compared to this paragraph the detail throughout feels bland, and that's not right considering it is a description of a digital picture that isn't even on the screen at the moment.

[jagabond]

The flashbacks were pretty experimental, yeah. I'm trying to see what can be thrown out as me being all stylistic and whatnot, and what works as narrative.

 

That's a real interesting point about too much dialogue. The first form rejection I got (for a different story admittedly) told me how my scenes were too short, too much like snippets. I didn't pad these scenes, per se, but I tried to make the conversations feel real and full. Fortunately there's plenty of room to trim them if needed. I'm often told I cut *too much*, so I try to leave a lot in . Will definitely work on condensing and streamlining; pacing is still my biggest struggle.

 

Thanks a bunch hawkedup, I'm glad you enjoyed what you did.

[andyk]

I liked the strong, evocative imagery at the start, but I think it needed to then lead into something clearer, that made sense of what was going on. I realised half-way through that I was still unclear about the whole set-up with the dirge, static and war, how all of this related together into a breakdown of civilisation. As this is central to the story I think it could do with more clarity.

 

I'm not clear on how the dirge is affecting Marco, how much it's controlling him at times, how that happens, and who's doing it. Again, just a little more clarity would be good, without getting all heavy handed and expository.

 

It didn't feel like Marco achieved anything or changed in any way. It's more like an incident from a longer story than a story in itself. And the stuff with Sun felt like it was building to something more about his motives or what he was going to achieve, then seemed to just stop.

 

So overall I liked the style and setting but I wanted to understand more of what was going on.

[hawkedup]

It's not necessarily that you have too much dialogue but that around that dialogue there is a lack of progression (or illusion of progression). Perhaps if you focused the time jumps on one specific item or theme? The headphones could work. Or a single relationship, probably with Sun. Right now the flashbacks cover a lot but don't really zoom in on something that makes the NOW sections pop more.

[Mandamon]

First off, I was hooked from the first page and wanted to keep reading.  That said, I agree with the others.  I got about halfway through and realized I still had no idea what the Dirge was.  The flashback were a little confusing, but nothing I couldn't handle.  You might try to find a way to break them up more.  By the I was still very confused, so I don't think the payoff came across.  I wasn't sure whether the ending was in a flashback or not, and it seemed very abrupt--so much so that I wasn't sure if the story was finished.

 

Overall, I can tell you're a good writer, and the imagery and characters are real.  However, I get the feeling you're describing something you know about and forgetting to give a few needed hints to the reader to let them in on the secret.

[neongrey]

Aaah, busy busy this week, not quite as in-depth as I would like, we'll see if I can squeeze in going back over it.

 

Anyway... The nonlinearity of the story makes it feel almost like a fever dream. It's a bit hard to tell what's happening when; I would probably actually amp this up since that appears intentional. Iiiiii am not personally bothered by the lack of overt explanation, but as should be obvious by now I really favour stealthing info in rather than stating it outright. That being said it probably wouldn't hurt the piece to slide in more about the dirge and the wars and all that.

 

Hm, I think I do have more to say here but it's not coming out of my head right now and I'm not feeling well so I'm leaving it at that for now.

[Robinski]

I'm sorry to say that I struggled with the story. I felt there were several things that were never explained, not least the Dirge itself, and it left me feeling frustrated. I think the flashback structure would have worked fine if I had been feeling closure with the resolution of my questions, but I didn’t feel as if the story answered any (many) of them.

 

It troubled me enough that I went back and read it again, because I was concerned that it was me. I like the structure, I like the style and there are well sketched characters, but I'm still troubled. I think the best way I can describe it is that you make promises to the reader (in WE parlance) and I'm not sure you keep some of them. Where does the sound come from? How does it kill people? Can only some people hear it? Without explanations of these things, I find it hard to believe in what’s happened in the course of the story.

 

I’ve still got a nagging suspicion that it’s me who is being dense – or maybe it’s the...

 

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Page 1 – Would the teeth of claustrophobia not settle into him, or around his (something) neck / mind?

                                                                     

Page 1 – I wasn’t sure why or how the underground came to be swollen – or what that image is aimed at conveying if it’s not literal.

 

Page 2 – After the first section, I'm certainly full of questions, but I think some of them are me not grasping certain points. The static and the dirge are the same thing, I think? I don’t quite get what the term ‘street’ encompasses – does that mean the literal fabric of the street? The next sentence suggests not, in which case ‘the street’ and ‘the people’ could be seen as the same thing, in which case drawing a distinction between them seems to be problematic.

 

Page 2 – Where did everyone clear out to? I was assuming this was a world-wide apocalypse.

 

Page 3 – I guess ‘folded posture’ meant arms, but the image I had was one of Robin bent double in the doorway.

 

Page 3 - “What about Sun?” she asked. “She’s not responding to treatment. You haven’t told Jean—” There’s quite a bit of information in this sentence and, taken together, it left me floundering a bit. We don’t know Sun or Jean, or the nature of their relationship, and we don’t know what kind of treatment is involved or who is giving the treatment, or why it would fall to Marco to tell Jean. Seems to me that the sentence requires the reader to make a character judgement about Marco going out when he has failed to do this thing, but the reader doesn’t know enough to make the judgement. I accept we learn more in the next sentence. He seems to be a practitioner of some sort, in which case I'm feeling negative towards him on the basis that he seems to be shirking his responsibilities.

 

Page 3 – I'm not sure shiny skin is a good thing, perhaps the shine from her eyes, but you’ve already talked about them.

 

Page 3 – I'm finding myself stopping quite often and fussing over interpretation of some of the phrasing. Another one the snagged me was the use of junkie and compound in the same sentence. When you refer to Robin leading compound life, I presume that means life in an underground compound, and yet reading the word ‘junkie’ made my mind go to chemical compound.

 

Page 4 – Within the space of a page, we have a vow, an oath and Marco as a ‘lifegiver’. I'm happy to assume that he is a medic of some sort, but if he hasn’t taken the Hippocratic Oath (I'm presuming), I guess he isn’t a doctor, which makes me wonder what his vow is – or is it the next statement, that he won’t let a sound prevent him doing his job? I don’t think it’s clear what his job is, or how the sound will prevent him from doing it. The term ‘lifegiver’ is a rather presumptuous synonym for doctor, so I'm guessing it must mean something else – intriguing.

 

Page 7 – Is Choi’s Christian name Sejin?

 

Page 8 – I'm a bit confused. I thought the Dirge caused the destruction – the end of the world – either directly or indirectly, but I'm thinking not now, as the suggestion seems to be its being used as a distress call? I'm struggling with the terms of reference of the story, which is making me frustrated.

 

Page 9 – I still don’t really get what a lifegiver is, as it’s clearly different from a medic. And how is it that

 

Page 10 – LOL, loved the comment about redecorating.

 

Page 11 – So when you say ‘remixes’, is that meant to imply that the ‘PA’ is taking what was a weaponised sound transmission and using it as a distress call as Marco seems to think?

 

Page 13 – ‘smell her smile’ – really? I don’t get it. Maybe I'm trying to read too literally, but that phrase seems perverse for the sake of it.

 

Page 16 – You mention the sound drives people insane, but I thought it killed people, or is that just me reading too literally again? I'm still not clear on whether the dirge has laid the world to waste or whether it was the war, and what connects the dirge to the war.

[jagabond]

Thanks so much for all your comments, folks. I have a much clearer picture of the story now. I think Mandamon put it best: I'm keeping too much of what's obvious to me in my head.

 

I regret that I haven't been able to give as much as I've received, so next week I'll try to double down on returning critiques! This is a whole different animal from slush reading. It's been a long time since I've been in a critique environment, but I'm glad I joined up.

 

Robinski: Your guesses were on the money, for the most part! A lot of the ideas run together. But I can understand that my writing sometimes asks the reader to work harder than it's worth, and I do tend to make prose "poetic" for its own sake when I can get away with it (usually can't ). So I appreciate you going back as you did. 

 

As for Choi, Sejin is his first name. Originally I had their dialogue reflect that Marco and Choi were close friends, I took some of that out so maybe I didn't make that dynamic clear enough? I wonder if the name is too Korean, or there's too much shoehorned diversity with the names.