24 Feb 2014 - neongrey - Untitled [L]

[neongrey]

And now for something completely different. Please forgive the wonky formatting, this is still very much an early draft and I write shorts in plaintext. Nothing should be unreadable, I think, I just hate maintaining separate formatting on multiple documents.

 

Specific points on this one: a) titles- help, please? I had it suggested by someone who was reading it in process that stopping at the 'fairies are dicks' line might be better all around for the piece. I'm not sold either way, but it does cut out a lot of the most load-bearing dialogue (and there is a lot of load-bearing dialogue here) so I'm interested in second opinions on that.

 

Thanks!

Edited February 24, 2014 by neongrey

[Mandamon]

To start with, I liked this.  The idea behind it is cute and makes for a satisfying light read.  You play off the end well enough against the concept of the story.  You could even provide more of a comparison with the POV losing a job at the beginning and then asking for some classifieds help at the end.

 

Don't start with "so."  Just take that one word off, and I suddenly take the story much more seriously.

 

I sort of agree with stopping at 'fairies are dicks,' at least for that paragraph.  I don't think the story should stop there.  It's sort of at the halfway point where it changes from "what is a fairy" to "where are you going with this."

 

Overall, I liked it, but it did drag a little in the middle, which is worse for a short story than a full length one.  I think this could be really good if you cut it down by a quarter to a half.  That would also put it more at the short story limit for more contests and magazines.

 

Things to cut: You say things more than once.  In a short story especially, each sentence has to do double duty, progressing the plot and providing emotion, or making a point.  I'd look at every line carefully, see if it's absolutely useful to the story, and if not, cut it.

 

As for titles, I'm terrible at them too.  I usually wait until I've finished to title something.  Off the top of my head:

Fairies are Dicks    (Eh...why not)

Fairy ex Machina, or Fairy in the Machine, or some play on that.

The Real Statisticians   (Although this sounds kind of boring)

[Swimmingly]

Why The Pinball Jumps?

[jagabond]

Still going mano a mano with this quote feature... so screw it.

 

Fairies Are Dicks is a good title if it's not repeated in-story, but inferred. Sort of acting as the unspoken last sentence of the story, but that might clash with the tone?

 

I think you can start with "So", I've seen enough unconventional story openings that it didn't bother me. I think it sets up the casual tone right away, and "it was the first Saturday" is slightly more dry, IMO.

 

Most of the issues I had are things I think you'll catch on a reread. Tightening and merging sentences, etc.

 

 

I had just fed the last quarter into the slot when I and heard a strange noise come from the coin return.

Active voice, yo! It's your best friend in a piece of this tone and length.

 

 

"Your ride? You've got wings. What do you need a ride for?" I was pretty pleased with myself for taking all this in stride. Still, maybe that was a question. the story does a good job avoiding the pitfall of disbelief in the face of the supernatural, so the less attention you call to the weirdness, the better.

 

 

"Class?" I repeated. No way I'd heard that right. "What, you mean like night school?" Dialogue can express the incredulity fine on its own, here.

 

 

Upgrading? Pinball machine upgrading? Is that a specific thing? Sidenote, this seems like a great opportunity to give us a glimpse into the depth and modernity of the fairie world, so that might help establish the magical realism atmosphere.

  

"But what's a pinball machine need a fairy for, anyway?" The word sounded weird, saying it out loud.' Same as above, with calling attention to the weirdness.

 

She shrugged. "The twentieth century. Lot of good jobs on this side. Arcades and computers and quantum physics."

 

Twenty-first century, yeah? Also, not sure where quantum physics fits into this. Are the fairies manipulating time and space? Or does science give them a hard time? That's something I'm not clear on.

 

--

 

In general, I liked the idea and the tone was consistent. Ending wasn't all that satisfying, I think because it's one conversation with little action, so it's pure char development. Not saying you need to make it longer or shoehorn in some extra scenes, but the metaphors that connect the characters don't get a lot of attention.

 

Definitely solid for an early draft, and worth writing to completion. I'd say try to draw out more of what makes the fairie part real.

Edited February 25, 2014 by jagabond

[neongrey]

Upgrading is an idiom I thought was fairly universal; it refers to going back to school for the purposes of improving your job skills and prospects. If it's not as well known as I thought or derivable from context, I'll look into swapping it out.

 

The advances she's referring to, like the rise of computing etc, occurred in the 20th century, so that's why I explicitly refer to it there. The quantum physics line is actually me avoiding the dreadful cliche of Shroedinger's cat by merely obliquely referencing it (ie, the state of the cat is determined when the box is opened; what the state actually is is a fairy thing). Too oblique, it seems; I could do better there then. Troubles with science are definitely not the way that should be read, and using greater specificity would probably help a lot. I'll head back to youtube for research. :v

 

And yeah, the ending was a bit of a trouble for me; I had sort of a moment of 'but wait, this doesn't have any plot' and figured I ought to at least enact some sort of action or decision on the part of the viewpoint character, so that's why it goes where it does. I can probably sell the ending harder by working it in better earlier on. Starting off with a job loss like Mandamon suggested is probably a good place to start with that, especially if it's loss via petty obsolecense.

[andyk]

I liked this. There were lots of good little details in the beats between dialogue that make it feel real and normal. It was a nicely written, enjoyable scene, even if it didn't have much story in the sense of characters being challenged or things changing. If you can find some way to build in conflict, however petty, or more significant change then I think that would make it stronger.

 

My initial response was the opposite of Jagabond's - that the narrator was taking this too much in their stride, without much sense of astonishment. I'm still not sure which is the right way to go on that. The matter-of-fact tone of the narrative is part of its appeal, but a contrast between the fairy's matter-of-fact attitude and narrator bewilderment might add something.

 

I got confused over the narrator's gender - I thought I read a reference to them as a guy early on, then later there were panties and corset references. It meant I didn't keep a consistent mental image, which disrupted my reading. Keeping it neutral throughout is one thing - that lets the reader project whatever they want onto the character. But if you're going to define their gender then it's probably worth finding a way to do that early on.

[hawkedup]

This flows well and I like how you use your words. You're to the point but intelligent.

 

Having said that...

 

On page 4, the fairy calls the narrator “man”. I understand this is vernacular, now, but imagine my surprise when panties were mentioned later!

 

When it come short stories, I'm a firm believer in the “less is more” mindset. If a detail isn't specifically important to the story, it should be cut. If it is important it should be mentioned a maximum of 3 times. Before I say anything else, I break this rule myself a lot and I would urge everyone to break every rule, so long as they know their doing it. However...

 

A lot of the information you provide has no relevance and I'm sorry to say, kinda hurts your story as a whole. An example: It doesn't feel as tight as it should and it's because of details like finals and her partying buddies. I mean, this can be left in the story to add personality or whatever, but you LEAD with it. I'd look for more examples of this in future drafts. Ask yourself, “Is this piece of information relevant?” If Yes, leave it in. If no, “Should I cut it or make it relevant?” And go from there.

 

On somewhat the same spectrum, the things that are important get too many references. Example: Something like the quarter should only be mentioned a few times. You use the word quarter 11 times in your story (once per page) when inserting quarters, quarter joke with fairy, and realizing it really is Canadian is where your focus should be. If it were me, I'd try to only mentioned quarters a total of 5 times and see what that got me. This will force you to cut some of the weaker stuff in between and make the stuff around it pop.

 

When I think of ways to summarize this story, I always end up back at “Woman has conversation with a fairy.” I don't know about you, but that sounds a bit weak to me. I feel like a story, especially one this short, needs a focus. Yes it's fun and whimsical to just throw two opposites in a room and have them interact, but I feel this story would be much better if it's focus was, “Woman helps fairy get a date” or something. I want to feel like there's a purpose, even if the purpose is secondary and sometimes real life doesn't have purpose, but as a reader, I read to find some sort of purpose in a purposeless world and I don't think I'm alone in that.

[jParker]

I really like this piece. It's witty and a bit unpredictable and a fun take on the fae. As far as titles go, something simple like Tam Lin might suffice.

 

I reluctantly agree with hawkedup--the second half does seem to drag a bit. Once the novelty wears off, there's not a whole lot. Now, that can work. You don't need a big plot, just something to move it forward. Or you can leave it as is and just cut. Personally, I'd go with the second option.

 

Starting with "so": no-no. Calling friends of a female "buddies": not no-no, but confusing. Out of curiosity, are names left out intentionally or is that coincidence?

 

Also, the unemployment thing seemed to come out of nowhere. Maybe you could mention how she forgot her textbooks/laptop and couldn't get any work done and so plays the machine? Really your call, but the gun needs to be on the mantle.

 

All in all, solid job. Can't wait to see the rework.

[hawkedup]

I thought about this all day at work, lol.

I'm thinking maybe if you lead with the laundromat then  some more personal info showing how she prefers watching laundry tumble to partying right before bringing out the fairy. This would be my train of thought: "Hm. Laundromat, weird place to have a story. Kinda Doctor Horrible. Oh, so here's Penny. She's kinda a loner and not "cool" enough to be out partying. I totally get that, I mean based on this great description I totally sympathize with her, sometimes the mundane world really does provide more wonders than--BAM! Fairy." Brushing off the personal info in paragraph one loses the bam factor. Just a thought.

Edited February 27, 2014 by hawkedup

[neongrey]

Yeah, I'll think about that some-- there's probably better ways to start it. But the fact that nobody wants to be in a laundromat is in a lot of ways the soul of the piece, and I'm not convinced it would be better to state that outright, either. We'll see how rework on that goes, not liable to get a chance for a bit though, working days murders my brain.

[Robinski]

I really enjoyed this. It’s a pleasure to read something simple (in the best way) with what seemed to me to be a heartfelt message. I had some misgivings early on (see below), but that didn’t hamper my enjoyment. If anything, perhaps the ending lacked a little punch – the idea was good, but I thought his/her (still not entirely sure) asking for classifieds was a bit tame.

 

I see now there is discussion on the title. I think ‘fairies are dicks’ is a great line in the story, I wouldn’t waste it in the title, it adds real punch as an unexpected line. My first thought for the title was ‘Quarters’ – Hawkedup won’t like it as it’s another mention, but that’s another issue.

 

All in all thought, I had fun with this, thank you, looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

 

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Page 1 – Continuity, Paragraph 3 you mention feeding in the last quarter, then in Paragraph 4 the fairy is placed down next to ‘my quarters’.

 

Page 2 – ‘Caribou-hunting, I guess’ – I don’t understand this line.

 

Page 5 – Gah, I think maybe, as an engineer, I'm going to struggle with this story. ‘...there's always a reason a thing that's basically random shakes out the way it does...’ – I can’t agree, the Oxford Dictionary definition of ‘random’ is ‘Made, done, or happening without method or conscious decision.’

 

Page 5 – You mention it’s a guy who’s playing pinball, I presume it’s someone else’s ‘panties’ that he’s fishing for then. (I see now I wasn’t alone in this.)

 

Page 6 – I'm a sometime gamer (Diablo, Runes of Magic, Mabinogi, etc. etc.) and I had to Google ‘...grinding for drops...’ Be aware that a lot of your audience won’t know what that means, and it may well stop them in their tracks.

 

Page 6 – I didn’t know what a ‘ren faire’ was – had to Google that.

 

Page 6 – Okay, I'm confused, is the protagonist a female? The line ‘...you'd be doing nothing all day but wearing a corset and looking pretty...’ makes my think so – but the line near the top of Page 4 indicates that he’s a man.

 

Page 9 – ‘There's a _word_ for people who tell immigrants to go back where they came from.’ Fantastic line.