20140224 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.7

[andyk]

This is the latest chapter in my Roman fantasy story.

 

Going back through comments on previous chapters, I think that I may have been emphasising the negatives too hard on some of the characters. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this, especially from those who've read previous chapters, as well as on this chapter in general. The problem I'm seeing is:

Varus - meant to be an essentially solid character who increasingly has to fight his own inner rage - instead coming off as something of a nutter.

Cadmia - meant to be smart but disdainful towards others - ending up so disdainful she sometimes seems stupid.

Murena - meant to be a strong leader on a downward slope, instead I leapt straight onto that slope without showing his strong side.

What do you lot think?

 

Previously:

Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle.

Varus has come to Rome to serve in the household of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general whose life Varus saved. Murena has a young wife, Livia, and a grown up daughter from his previous marriage, Cadmia. Their head servant is a woman named Sepunia.

Varus doesn't like Rome. He had his pouch stolen on the first day in the city, and finds the whole place crowded and unpleasant.

The household is facing many challenges. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Livia has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama.

 

[hawkedup]

This is a really strong chapter. I really get a feel for the characters and the setting in a way I didn't during the last chapter. There is good focus and direction and conflict. Sophia is fully actualized, going from friend who helps a stranger to possible bad guy and then redeemed by the end of the chapter. I'm interested to see how she plays in to the climax of the book. I'd feel better about her being so thin if she has just taught herself not to eat too much rather than her starving since she is a thief and I doubt she'd really be thin because she couldn't get food, but that is basically my only qualm with her. Though, at first I think she's much younger than you later say she is. Perhaps its the word teenager that throws me since any teenager living her life would probably be a bit less childish, but that's just me. As for Varus, this is the first time I've met him and he jumps off the page. I like that he is a soldier and knows life through a soldier's eyes but doesn't come across as cliché or dumb or stumbling through a royal's world where he doesn't really belong and all that. Of course he has his doubts, but he is still a very active protagonist and that works well. One thing that didn't ring true was when he felt uncomfortable when Murena opens up to him. To me, he can only be uncomfortable if, as a soldier, he never had any friends. I think it's wrong to imply that soldiers don't open up and they only let their pain be shone when they are injured. Sure, in public, but I think it would add more to the character if he didn't understand because he had no friends, or he did understand and never expected to hear it outside of the privacy of a bunk or trench (not that there were trenches, but you get what I mean). The conversation with Murena goes long at the end and sort of takes away from the punch of the chapter. I'd also really like there to be some sort of hint or hook that leads me into the next chapter (just please no James Patterson hooks).

[Mandamon]

I haven't had a problem with Varus or Cadmia particularly.  The Varus chapters have been slower, and there's still mystery around how and why the red mist affects him and what it is.  I could stand to have a stronger hint on what that or the torc do by now.  It might help the perception of Varus.

 

I think if Cadmia's disdain is due more to her youth, emphasize that point.

 

This is the first Varus chapter I thought went as well as a Cadmia chapter (similar to what hawkedup says above).  There is more action, Varus is making some decisions on his own, and even defying the red mist.

I'm also glad Sophia is back.  I thought she might return based on your original description.

 

 

Comments:

pg 1: "Varus struggled with his own discomfort'

--I think you can take out this tell, because the rest of the paragraph shows it.  Maybe add one more sentence showing his discomfort.

 

pg 3: "A friendly face"

--has he still not figured out he got robbed?  Okay...you follow through a couple pages later.  Can't remember whether you said at any place if he discovered his pouch was missing.  I assume he did...

 

pg 8: "for all her skill, purse snatching hadn't kept her well fed."

Again, similar comments to hawkedup.  You said Varus' purse was fuller than when she took it.  If she was hungry, wouldn't she have spent some on food before handing it in?

 

 

This seems to be a turning point for the story, and I sense it's picking up.  I think what's going to get you is that the first few chapters are a slow start, versus what it's become.  We don't get Cadmia until ch4 (I think) and Sophia only shows up now.  Maybe think about an early chapter or prologue with Cadmia in it?  Or maybe one with Murena, to show his leadership before the downward spiral?

 

Looking forward to more!

[Robinski]

Another enjoyable chapter, interesting things happening, if not any real ‘action’ as such – a bit of a pursuit, I suppose, but it was more character-driven, albeit that there wasn’t a great deal of character development. But don’t take that as negative criticism. Your characters are so well developed, and interact so well, that it’s a pleasure following them through another 15 pages.

 

Something that’s beginning to stick in my mind is that the voices in Varus’ head seem to have been sidelined somewhat. We’ve had one of two instances of them rising to challenge his self control but, after the run ins with the priest, when it appeared as if that was building, but it now seems to have faded back. Not a major issue, and maybe it’s a matter of timing, and you are lulling us before it flares again.

 

Another related thing is that I'm not sure I really understand what is going on in Varus’ head, and a more directed example might have helped. There’s reference to lots of voices and a single voice, and I can’t remember how the voices are associated with the torc and/or the encounter with the druid. I dare say if I was reading straight through that would be less of an issue, but my memory is bad enough that a chapter a week tends to erode my recollection of certain details, so perhaps not an issue if one (me!) was reading normally.

 

As ever, looking forward to the next chapter – which will be a pleasure in any case I'm sure, but for preference, I’m hoping for some action to change up the pace from the last 2 or 3 chapters.

 

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Going to your questions, for me you have the balance right with Varus and Cadmia, but I think you might be right about Murena hurtling down the slope very quickly. That said – I don’t have any problem with that at all. The man has lost a child, been embarrassed in his own home by a rival and then abandoned by his wife in the same night, before being further embarrassed where he works in front of the other senators, thus losing considerable respect. It’s a miracle Murena hasn’t thrown himself into the Tiber. For me, all you might add is [a] one or two short asides to him falling even lower before his apparent resurgence – i.e. maybe hitting the bottle, or a reference or two to him struggling more with his mental state, rather than being either passive or active, but without conflict.

 

Good point from Hawkedup, who I think is right about the soldier opening up thing. To me the unnatural part of it might be a general opening up his emotions to a grunt.

 

I agree with the others that it’s good to have Sophia back, but I have some doubts over how she’ll fit into the house. I'm expecting conflict between her a Cadmia, but the dynamic in the house was nicely pitched before, so I have a slight concern that her presence might unbalance it.

 

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Page 1 – I like the first paragraph, which sets the sombre mood in the villa. The only thing that made me pause was my impression that one of Varus’ main duties is to guard Cadmia, but it sounds as if Varus is just hanging around the house for days on end – I guess maybe Cadmia just doesn’t go out much? (I'm obsessing on this now – move on Robin!!)

 

Page 1 – ‘Yet the more time he (Murena, presumably) spent in his silent vigil, the more he (Varus?) came to dread it.’

 

Page 2 – 'I'm going to find guards.' He wasn't sure why he said it. Some lingering need for an officer's blessing on his work, perhaps. 'Then go,' she snapped. 'Try to be useful.' – For me, this is ‘Fire in the Blood’ at its best, in the crackling dialogue between this pair – excellent! Varus considering Cadmia as analogous to an officer is a superb touch.

 

Page 8 – Something in Varus’ response to Sophia’s ‘offer’ sounded off to me, he seems to react against the idea of bedding her only because of her physical condition (bad enough – if perhaps realistic for him), but what age is she? I realise that Roman values in this area would be quite different from the 21^st Century Western World but, as an urchin, I would tend to think of her as a child. I know you use the word ‘teenager’ (jarred a little), but that could of course be 13 to 19 – quite a range.

 

Page 9 – For me, the image of Sepunia springing from an alcove was rather comical.

 

Page 9 – The turd line is good, but ‘peeled off the street made me laugh out loud.

 

Page 10 – I think of Sepunia as a women rather than a lady, and how is it she is lacking sense?

 

Page 14 – Sorry, hate hate hate the word ‘sweetling’, in my head it sounds like sweetmeat, or some cloying epithet that a lecherous old man might use to his prey.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Robinski