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20140217 - andyk - Fire in the Blood chapter 6


andyk

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Previously:

 

Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household, but he's not in this chapter.

 

Cadmia was recently attacked during a party at the house of the Cadmiae, by a magically disguised satyr.

 

Other characters turning up in this bit:

Sepunia - the head servant of the household

Nurya - Cadmia's recently hired tutor

 

 

Looking forward to your comments.

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I thought this was a very good chapter, and I continue to be impressed with Cadmia's storyline.  The use of magic is imaginative, and I like the descriptions of using the totem to get the attention of the god to make a pact.

 

How does this tie in with Cadmia making a pact with Diana?  I recall that being a lot more informal.  Was it the same kind of pact, or just a difference between gods?

 

I felt like Nurya gave in too easily to Cadmia's pettiness and want for instant gratification, though I can understand why both from Nurya's social position, and in helping Cadmia to learn for herself.  On the other hand, maybe this would be better as a try/fail?  Cadmia might not be completely successful the first time.  Every time Nurya cautioned her, Cadmia figured out the right solution immediately.

Is it always so easy to make a deal with a god?

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Right off the bat it's a strong start. Having not read the first five chapters I don't feel lost and the first paragraph really shows me who Cadmia and her father are with just enough hinting at the past to let me know things have changed recently.

 

 

I think you should cut this:

 

 

She relished the responses her appearance could provoke, but did not want her femininity getting in the way of higher things.

 

 

It's an interesting little thing for her character, but it feels very out of place here since her appearance wasn't provoking anything at the moment and it makes her feel shallow (not shallow as a character, but shallow as a person). However, this may have been what you were going for. Plus, I think the sentence preceding it says everything we need to know.

 

I don't know how to feel about Nurya or her dynamic with Cadmia. My first time reading through everything felt alright, but the more I look at it, the more I feel like something is off. She reminds me of one of those old ladies who is just around because the story needs an old lady to counterpoint a young protagonist. I found it strange that they seemed to be having what I would consider “day one” discussions, too, even though they acted like this was not the first lecture/teaching.

 

I feel like you may have been going for a Shalan/Yasna dynamic but it doesn't come across that way. Cadmia comes across as petty, impatient, and later when communicating with the god, inept. And, just like Mandamon said, Nurya comes across as weak since she gives into Cadmia so easily, who obviously isn't nearly ready to be doing what she is doing, so easily.

 

I'm no philosopher, but I recognize Socratic method when I read it. I find it a bit off that Nurya would be using one of Plato's primary tools to prove to Cadmia to think beyond Plato. This ties in to what I was saying before. By this point I seriously doubt how wise Nurya is. Maybe you're going for someone who is so stupid they are wise (like Luffy) but that's not what it feels like.

 

I want more description during the entire god sequence. You have this fantastic thing happening, but the details aren't there. I'm not drawn in; I don't feel like I'm living. What does this god look like?

 

When Cadmia is talking to the god, she comes across as inept. Surely anyone who can communicate with gods would at the very least know about that god, and how they operated. She would know that Janus would make offers that she'd have to refuse first. In fact, I think she should go into the exchange planning on bartering with the god. You'd get to the same place, and it wouldn't seem like Cadmia was on the verge of making war twice. I think maybe you're trying to give Nurya an important role by having her warn Cadmia, but... I don't know. It all comes back to active vs reactive protagonist. Having Cadmia almost agree to bad terms without even thinking about them is reactionary to its greatest degree.

 

Why does Cadmia get pity from men? I thought she was hot?

 

Why is her father only mentioned by name once and during a part of the chapter he doesn't appear?

 

The scene where she sits at his foot will feel much much stronger if Cadmia doesn't seem quite so childish throughout the chapter. Just tweaking a few things, like her bad bartering during the god scene, will make her feel more powerful, so when she sits down at her father's feet, it's that much bigger of a deal.

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Okay, overall I have less to comment on here-- most of what I caught were typos, so I added you to the folder so you can catch them from comments at your leisure. (doc here)

 

I too didn't feel lost or out of place having missed the earlier bits, so that's good.

 

I have to agree about the relished the responses her appearance line-- I don't think it's terrible since overall you avoid most male gazery, but it does stand out. I would personally cut it. 

 

That being said, I have less problem than the others with how this played out if the point is that Cadmia is spoiled and impulsive. If this is actually a failure or at least a screw-up in the disguise of a success, I think it works nicely.

 

Similarly, if Nurya's giving in so quickly I feel like there has to be a reason-- her position is inherently precarious, knowing ethnic/religious minorities and the foibles of nobles of the era, so I don't think you've got a hard sell to make there. The real trick is how cognizant Cadmia is of how delicate Nurya's position is. If you are trying to emphasize her spoiledness, I think you could get away with having her make direct threats, and how Cadmia feels about doing that (however that is) would also work nicely.

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Another good chapter, it held my interest even though events themselves did not move forward a great deal, (which was fine). I felt as if Cadmia might have been a bit more awed at being in the ‘presence’ of Janus, she’s certainly got some nerve, that’s what makes her such a good character. I liked the way that she took charge with Nurya and, in a much more subtle way, with her father. I appreciate that Murena is ‘under the cosh’ so to speak, but he does seem to have become rather toothless very quickly for a man who has lead a campaign to Gaul. Perhaps I'm overreacting. I’ll be interested to see how he takes this most recent set back.

 

I had no problem with the absence of Varus in this chapter. For me, Cadmia is probably the more interesting character at this point (at least until his ‘powers’ manifest). The contrast between them is significant and effective. I also like that fact that there is no suggestion of romantic tension between them, which could be a factor with male and female characters playing off one another as they do. It would be some people’s first thought, and could be a major distraction, but it just doesn’t come into my thinking at all, which is good. When I make this comment, it’s from the perspective of being force-fed Clichéd Standard Hollywood Blockbuster Plot A1, unlikely mismatched couple thrown together by circumstances fall for each other against all odds in between things exploding. (Please note that I am not averse to the odd bit of hypocrisy from time to time, watch that space...)

 

Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Page 1 – Sepunia talking that way seems very forward for a slave. I realise that she has a higher status in that household, but still, it jarred a bit with me.

 

Page 1 – The phrase ‘...she had never been very soothing.’ didn’t sound right to me, I think it comes over in a passive sense, i.e. her presence isn’t soothing, rather than an active sense, i.e. she isn’t very good a soothing people. I'm sure there’s a better way than this clumsy effort to explain what I mean!

 

Page 2 – The phrase ‘It was annoying that elegance and practicality didn’t go hand in hand’ bothered me for three reasons, (1) her reaction seems overly dramatic. I suppose it is in character for Cadmia, but really, dear, just put your hair up. (2) Because I disagree – viz Audrey Hepburn, the very definition of elegance, almost always appearing with her hair up, Grace Kelly too, although to a lesser extent (on the hair up). And (3) historically, would most Roman women not have worn their hair up as a matter of course? Perhaps not in the house, I suppose. I'm certainly no expert, but that’s just what I picture. Okay, enough obsessing over this detail!

 

Page 6 – I found the description of what was happening with the chain a bit difficult to picture.

 

Page 6 – I think I have probably just forgotten this from a previous chapter, but who are the Cadmiae?

 

Page 8 – I was a bit confused by the pact thing. I wasn’t sure if Janus gained any actual power from the exchanged, our just the benefit of his status being reinforced by the sacrifice, and with that in mind, what is his price for the second pact / piece of information, or was that included as a freebie, which somehow seems uncharacteristically generous.

 

Page 9 – There goes Sepunia again, indignation at her master, really?

 

Page 9 – I couldn’t help thinking that Murena was a bit naive thinking that the triumph would breeze through when Dama is clearly set against him after their initial exchanges and Dama’s angry reaction, then taking his sister out of the house. I would have thought that his opposition was to be expected.

 

Page 9/10 – Couple of typos in Murena’s last speech, also, I wanted to hear more from him about the impact of the vote. He certainly seems knocked sideways, and I thought he was opening up to Cadmia, but then it’s the end of the chapter.

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I also enjoyed it, and also was not lost at all by coming in at chapter six, which is great. You have really solid dialogue and a knack for telling in the right places.

 

Echoing other comments, it does seem like she made the deal a little too easily, although I liked how the god made sure to remind her of "her place". It worked well to confirm the discussion she was having about her role in the world.

 

I'm not too hot on Rome, honestly, but I'm familiar enough with it and I didn't feel bored by the glimpse of politics and intrigue as I would have expected I might. But I would try fleshing out her father more. We didn't get a lot of him in this chapter, but when he returns to us at the end, I felt like my opinion of him should be more full. It probably would be if I'd read ch. 1-5, so don't worry about that too much.

 

p. 1 – "She would be more content when they had found out who hired her attacked and she could leave the house without that scarred brute guarding her back. But first they needed to know whose purse had paid the assassin."

I think you could combine these into a single sentence. Who hired her, who paid the assassin, it's the same thought, and the way the sentence is placed, I think it will have more weight as one quick statement.

 

p.2 – Her hair fell across her face and she pulled it sharply back. It was annoying that elegance and practicality didn’t go hand in hand. She relished the responses her appearance could provoke, but did not want her femininity getting in the way of higher hhngs. Others have mentioned this line, but this feels like a bit of telling you could turn into showing. Maybe if she pull her hair back in annoyance? This works on the assumption that it's going to be a key part of her character, and while I haven't read the other chapters, unless this is the first time she's establishing that frustration, an action might work better.

 

In fact, in general I think you could turn when you tell us she's annoyed/frustrated into actions, or just leave them out and let the dialogue tell us. The dynamic of the characters is great otherwise.

 

Really like the discussion on decision making and Plato. It's not too long, it develops what it should, really I'm impressed. Totally digging this dialogue.

 

Overall, solid writing for sure. I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to seeing more.

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