Destiny

[Modal Seoul Forger]

Here's a small story I wrote. Feedback appreciated.

DESTINY

 

The old man sat on the porch in deep thought. A slow, summer breeze floated through the small valley. A small boy skipped up the porch, giggling. ‘’Will you tell me a story, Grandpa?” The old man beamed, “Do you like my stories, Michael? All right.’’

*****

Edward Daniels, more known as Eddie, had been an orphan for three years. During that time, he had lost his siblings and original home. He now lived with his stingy and pompous uncle James.

 

Uncle James heavily disliked Eddie. He managed to keep Eddie as far away from him as possible. He enlisted Eddie into a cruel and harsh boarding school. Eddie’s only friends were his cat, Milton, and Terrence Arkwright, a small, intelligent boy.

 

One day, Eddie and Terrence lay under a slim, rowan tree. “Terrence,” Eddie began. “Have you ever thought of running away and finding your own life?” Terrence shook his head.

“No, it has never crossed my mind.” Eddie nodded sagely.

“Well, I'm going to do it someday. I've got a great plan.” Terrence silently thought of that idea and was surprised that he agreed as well to the plan.

 

That night, Eddie and Terrence met at the old, dilapidated train station. Terrence's eyes widened considerably. ''Wow,’’ he said. “How long have you been working on this??”

“Almost eight months,” Eddie replied quietly. I'm leaving in a week. Will you come with me? Terrence nodded. Eddie smiled.

*****

 

Three days later, an unexpected visitor arrived. It was Uncle James. Eddie was stunned. What did his treacherous uncle have with him? He watched as his uncle sat across from him.

“I suppose you are wondering why I am here, boy.” Eddie briefly nodded but didn't speak. His uncle had a rule about speaking out of turn. Uncle James began, “ Well, boy, I no longer have the money to keep you in school here. I have decided to send you to one of the best warehouses in Cardiff. You start work in two days.”

Eddie felt like weeping. He managed to stammer, “What ...what about my cat?” Uncle James scowled. “Do you think I care, boy? My fortune is at stake.”

 

Uncle James stood. “It's done then.” His voice sounded like a prison door slamming shut to Eddie. His uncle nodded curtly and left. After he had taken his leave, Eddie immediately came into Terrence's room. Inside were Terrence and his roommate, Harold. Terrence raised his eyebrows.

“What are you doing here?”

“Pack your bag. We are leaving now.” Terrence shrugged. He started packing.

“What do you mean?” asked Harold. Terrence and Eddie turned to him.

“We are running away. Please don't tell the headmaster.” Harold shook his head. “I won't snitch. I'll come with you.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, Terrence and Harold met Eddie at the abandoned train station. Eddie held one bag and Milton's carrier.

“Are you ready?” Terrence gulped and replied, “Yes.” Someone grabbed Eddie's shoulder.

“Not so fast, Edward,” snarled Uncle James. “You thought you could run off without me noticing.”

 

Eddie shook his head stubbornly. “Get away, Uncle. I'm not going with you. ” James grinned sinisterly.

“That's not stopping me, Edward.” Eddie threw his hands up in despair.

“Get away from me, Uncle!” Uncle James gripped his wrist, like an iron shackle. “You are coming with me, boy!

 

Terrence shook his head. “He is not coming with you.” Harold agreed. Terrence kicked Uncle James hard in the shin. Uncle James howled in anguish. Eddie squirmed out of his grasp and punched his uncle. The small trio ran up to the station.

Eddie unveiled his creation with a flourish. Harold gasped in wonder. They had no time to admire the pump car and sail. The trio loaded up and sailed away. The adventure had begun.

*****

They had stopped once to replenish their supplies, but hadn’t stopped since. Harold slept. Eddie and Terrence were left awake. “Terrence, I’ve been wondering.” whispered Eddie.

“Yes?”

“Did you actually want to come with me on this adventure?” Terrence nodded. “I wouldn't want to have missed it for the world.” Eddie grinned. “Thanks, Terrence.”

The conversation was rudely interrupted by a loud whistle. Harold woke up sluggishly. “What..what was that?” yawned Harold. The answer was very obvious. It was the express. Eddie reacted quickly.

“Let out more sail!” he cried. Terrence and Harold obeyed.

 

The train drew nearer. Eddie and Harold pumped up and down. The terrible locomotive drew ever closer. Closer. Closer. And closer. Eddie made one decision. “Abandon ship!” Terrence and Harold threw the luggage off. Eddie grabbed Milton the cat. Together they jumped.

Eddie's marvelous vehicle was obliterated. The group traveled thereon on foot.

*****

One day, Eddie remembered his father's old hunting cabin. If there were an answer, he'd find it there. After about a week of traveling on foot, they reached it. “Well,” said Harold. “What do we do now?”

Eddie already answered that. He opened the door. A shimmering gold and bronze mist billowed out the cabin. Terrence's eyes were literally as big as moons. “Edward Daniels,” boomed a deep voice. “Welcome to the Light.” Eddie stuttered. “Th..the Light?”

 

“Yes,” said the voice. “Your parents did not die, Edward. It was simply their time to come back. Now it is your turn.” “Can my friends come with me?” asked Eddie. “No, they can not.” the voice bellowed. “What about my cat?” “It may.” Terrence protested stubbornly. “You can't,” the voice said. “I am sorry.”

“But I'm the only friend he has got!” wailed Terrence. “Then I will give a proposition,” offered the voice. “When you have lived a long life and have grandchildren, you may come into the Light.” Terrence stared at Eddie. “When will I see you again?” “Terrence,” whispered Eddie. “This is my destiny.” Turning, he muttered, “My destiny.” He turned, embraced Terrence, and waved good-bye to Harold. He picked up his bags and Milton. He walked to the Light.

*****

The old man finished his story. Michael clapped. “Thanks, Grandpa! Good night!”

“Good bye, Michael.” the old man whispered. He turned. “I am ready. This is my destiny.” An invisible door opened and Terrence Arkwright walked into the Light. “Destiny.”

The End

[Modal Seoul Forger]

Opinions, anyone?

[Yezrien Cryptic]

Is the Light death? Is Eddie committing suicide (and killing his cat) because he'd rather be with his parents in heaven than suffer on Earth?

[Modal Seoul Forger]

23 minutes ago, Belzedar said:

Is the Light death? Is Eddie committing suicide (and killing his cat) because he'd rather be with his parents in heaven than suffer on Earth?

It is meant to be open for interpretation.

[Yezrien Cryptic]

2 minutes ago, Captains Domon said:

It is meant to be open for interpretation.

Okay. But it's harder to offer helpful thoughts if I can't see clear storytelling goals.

Without commenting on plot or metaphor, I'll offer this advice: slow it down. The whole thing feels very rushed. Hold on important points, and explain the details. And always remember 'show, don't tell.' Introduce Uncle James with a scene, not a sentence. Instead of just telling us that the boarding school is "cruel and harsh;" describe the evil teachers, and the terrible food, and the substandard living conditions. Paint us a picture.

It also helps to stop and explain things when they're not obvious. The pump car, for example. What exactly is that? How did he get the materials to build it? Where did he learn how? Most importantly, why are the students of a cruel and harsh boarding school free to leave campus and visit an abandoned train station? And how did Uncle James find them there? (If I might offer some suggestions, you could establish near the beginning that Eddie loves trains, and the thing he misses most about having parents was building model trains with them. That way he's using his skills and passions to achieve his goals. And you could write a very tense and exciting scene about Eddie and Terrence sneaking out after curfew, and thinking about what the horrible headmaster will do if he catches them.)

And please be careful when using the word "literally."

Are you familiar with the works of Lemony Snicket?

[Modal Seoul Forger]

32 minutes ago, Belzedar said:

Are you familiar with the works of Lemony Snicket?

Yes. Why?

[Yezrien Cryptic]

Just now, Captains Domon said:

Yes. Why?

I was just reminded of the Unfortunate Events books while reading your story. The orphan who invents things, the stingy and pompous guardian, the evil boarding school. Good times.