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TWD - Chapter 1 - kais 07/17/17 ~5374 words (V,G)


kais

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Sorry all, we’re back at chapter one again. It’s been through some pretty extensive revisions, and I’m hoping we can sort of collectively pick it apart and find any remaining flaws. Originally issues were with S not emoting enough, the chapter being too long and technical at the start. I’d like to know if these issues are resolved and or if any new ones cropped up. Grammar, syntax, punctuation, all are up for comment. Thanks!

If you would abbreviate all character names, I would appreciate it.

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Overall:

Really liked this piece. Look forward to reading the rest of the story. S. is a compelling character and I'm very interested to see where this goes. The alchemy as described is really cool, and I look forward to seeing more of it. The hook of the Grandmaster of Witchcraft got me exactly as it was intended to. There were a few sentences I felt were awkward, but those are easily fixed. Overall, well done, Kais!

 

As I go:

-Really like the detailed look at alchemy

-The phrase 'I was nobody's daughter' feels a bit akward to me. I feel like in modern society, the role of son or daughter is a passive one, whereas parenting is more active. IMO, 'She was no mother to me' sounds more natural, but I understand that it takes the agency away from S. Not sure if there's a good solution. Edit: I got fixated on the mother-child dynamic, and missed the transgender theme... the sentence is fine with that in mind... whoops...

-You have a sentence, 'A woodcutter was not who I was, a daughter was not who I was, and the former hurt less than the latter, both made me want to pull at my skin and scream.' I would change it to '...and though the former hurt less...'

-'The tears I was determined to not let fall streaked across my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks.' This sentence feels a bit awkward. I had to read it twice.

-The yellow powder... Wow... It's simultaneouly terrifying, believable, gruesome, and awesome. Well done.

-You have as a sentence 'He was…he melting, although not really.' You probably want to go for '... melting' or '... he was melting'

-Although I assume it's ultimately innacurate, S's realization of her future is very well done.

-What does 'TWD' stand for. I'm assuming The Woodcutter's Daughter, but I wanted to make sure.

Edited by Paracosmic_nomenclator
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As far as I’m concerned you fixed the original issues with being too technical, though it is still a bit long for what actually happens. That’s mostly because you write very descriptively, which I didn’t mind at all. In fact I like the atmosphere you paint of the house and the workshop, it all feels very tactile with not just the visual descriptions but the smells as well.

 

Appearance: Maybe this is a personal hang-up of mine, but I’m having the same problem here as I have with just about all first-person narratives I have read in that I can never really picture the protagonist in my mind. What I got from this chapter is: 25 years old, born female, identifies as non-female, relatively tall, bandolier, coat. That’s not a lot to go on, especially when compared to the care you take in describing everything else.  

 

Age of apprenticeship: I like that S. has a dream to aspire too, but I am thinking that given S.’s circumstances (wrong guild, too old, bad reputation in the area for being weird) this dream seems too unrealistic for someone as clear-headed as S. appears to be.

S. doesn’t appear to be that naïve, so there should be a reason (something more than just trying to be good at alchemy) why an apprenticeship is still on the table. Maybe S. knows/heard of someone else who was in the same age-bracket and still became an apprentice?

 

Explosion: Did one of the two kidnappers die in the explosion? I think so, but you never explicitly say so (unless I missed that), so I kept expecting the other guy to show up while his compatriot melted away. It really make me puzzled why S. would stand there waiting instead of trying to get away while the opportunity was there.

 

Positioning while melting: I liked the gory visual of the kidnapper melting away, but I was having an issue with the positioning between S. and the kidnapper. When S. jumped off the cart and ‘backed well away’, I took that to mean that S. was getting at least a couple meters of distance so as to be actually ‘well away’ for any lunges or reaches by the kidnapper. Of course the kidnapper could still try and get S. by running, but that’s not what happens: the kidnapper jumps out and tries to grab S., but in my mind there should be more of a distance betweeen them so when the kidnapper tried to grab S. it came across as strange. 

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Thanks so much for the feedback, @Paracosmic_nomenclator!

10 hours ago, Paracosmic_nomenclator said:

the sentence is fine with that in mind... whoops...

LOL, no worries. A lot of people miss it in the first chapter.

10 hours ago, Paracosmic_nomenclator said:

This sentence feels a bit awkward.

Check. Will change,

10 hours ago, Paracosmic_nomenclator said:

Well done

Is it more or less scary that it is a real thing, with its properties somewhat extended for fiction?

10 hours ago, Paracosmic_nomenclator said:

he was melting'

 

Good call. Typo there.

10 hours ago, Paracosmic_nomenclator said:

What does 'TWD' stand for

It stands for the placeholder title, which you guessed correctly. That won't be its actual title though, when it goes on sub. 

Thank you again!

 

10 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

As far as I’m concerned you fixed the original issues with being too technical

Ah @Asmodemon, always nice to see you around! Glad this version reads better. We're in version four now, so things should be starting to smooth out.

10 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

That’s not a lot to go on

So how important is it to you to get personal descriptions early? More do come, but I stuck them in slowly. Better earlier?

10 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

why an apprenticeship is still on the table.

This is a really good point. My initial thought was that the pigments were so novel that S felt like they would override everything else. I think you're right though, that something else is needed. Hmm.

10 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

Did one of the two kidnappers die in the explosion?

Yes. I'll make this more clear.

10 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

but in my mind there should be more of a distance betweeen them so when the kidnapper tried to grab S. it came across as strange.

Check. Blocking is not my strength. Will edit.

Thank you again!! Hope to see you around the boards more often!

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6 minutes ago, kais said:

Is it more or less scary that it is a real thing

Definitely more. Part of the reason it was so terrifying is that it felt grounded. It wasn't like S was just magically incinerating him, she was using an imperfect, but incredibly effective alchemical substance, which, from the pigment scene, I imagine must have taken hours to create.

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1-pass line-by-line highlight reel, as requested. :3  i mean >:{  Grr! Serious face! 

 

Hidden for space.

Spoiler


"gods the smell." italics as emphasis. I hit three before pg3, so I'm counting them. This is 1. 

"late returning home. Again." doubled word with prev sentence. I'd remove this one.

"I was going." italics. 2

"This, this" I know you like it, but it doesn't scan right in reading. Also, I counted doubled spacer words like this at least 4 times in this chapter alone, and they're not punctuated consistently, and most of the sentences are better off without them. I'd remove one out of each set. 

"not the affect I sought" effect

"the third and fourth: white" emdash would probably be more common here. Colon is correct usage for a phrase giving emphasis, but I think prev versions had a different structure that made the colon more appropriate than it is now.

"Please…" italics as maybe thought (maybe?). There're a lot of these, too, so i'm counting the single-word ones. 3

"Success! " I agree! Look at that exclamation point! My work here is done. ;)

"None!" italics. 4

"finally, finally," double spacer word (2), italics 5.  "Tomorrow"  has flow in this section, and is used to set up a rhythm. That's why it's okay. The other sets are just spacing.

"had been a witch" italics 6

"two weeks late" repeated, with "mother was weeks late" pg1. it's not BAD, but neither is it great.

"constant stream of people"  If people at the door were here constantly for moms, why is S spending a page debating who could be behind the door?

"spells when you were" this is the only instance of "you" instead of "one" in S's internal text-thoughts in this entire chapter. It should probably be "one"

"talk in laboratories," italics 7. i'm on pg3. This is my grumble face. 

"uneducated, for Queensguard" This is the third time "for queensguard" is used in connection to these dudes since they came in and i get it already. THey're queensguard. 

"Mother’s rusting tools" Two weeks seems like a short time to start rusting, but then they are in the damp rainforest climate. Coming at this without that foreknowledge though (because I think it's not stated to straight up be a temperate rainforest until the panel-propping-stuck-door scene) and it sounds a bit like a substitution curseword instead of an adjective. Rusty? maybe?

"S the 

alchemist,” italics 8. some of these could probably stay, but there are too many right now. 

"the word daughter" italics 9. this is italics to indicate a extra meaning to a word (daughter being used here in more than its usual meaning in a normal sentence), and that makes 3 different ways of using italics on any given single word in this piece, not counting italics used on longer phrases to indicate thinking dialogue. it is sometimes getting hard to tell which is what. 

"Daughter. No" italics 10. I'm on pg5. 

"I am her child," and of course, the one i actually like is removed in this version. lol! XD

"mud was just unprofessional" still think this is a bit of a non sequitur now that the bones are in the cauldron and not the floor

"again. Daughter" italics. 11

"near the door to the shop"  so is the cart near the house where S is working or moms' lady lair? Leading the paragraph like this, paired with the description of the longhouse farther down makes it seem like S goes around the cart first, then walks the steps, THEN gets to the longhouse, and i think the cart is supposed to be near the woodshop?

"her grandmother before" grandmother's

"natural or of alchemy" seems to imply alchemy is other than nautral, which is very unS-ish (if a bit unintentionally foreshadowy)

"it would get me an alchemical" italics 12. am I at 12? I always have trouble after 10 or so keeping track..

"they hunched over them." Wince.  The "theys" are pointing in two different directions in the same sentence. 

"we are licensed" 13

"never killed any" 14. And right next to two thought-speech phrases :/

"elbowed his cloak" Did what with his cloak now? That seems very ineffectual unless it's missing more description.

"Grandmaster" more foreshadowing yay! Still a little random why they're taking S though. 

"woman alchemist" 15. I'm going to stop listing them here in the interest of space, but there're significantly more. grumble.

"what did witches want with a woodcutter?" if a woochuck could chuck wood? All the alliteration makes that seem like a tongue twister instead of a question.

"affixed to the burning house," fixed. Please let S keep the eyeballs where they're supposed to be and not attached to the burning house... >_>; 

"burning man in the background" which burning man? I mean, I know it's the other kidnapper who failed to jump towards the camera and got hit by the explosion, but i think the mention of him actually getting caught in the blast got cut somewhere. 

"probably the reason" Oh sure, S. It's not the smelly chemicals, dangerous dust, or processes that can cause spontaneous explosive combustion, IT'S YOU. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING YOU, S. GEEZ. lol! ;) 

"In the moonlight I could see the yellow granules" wait. the moonlight is described first as being bright enough to see where S was going to walk to the woodshop, then it was too dark to see anything but outlines at a distance, then it was too dark to see a chemical reaction happening DIRECTLY ON S'S FEET, but now the moonlight's suddenly bright enough to see something described as pollen on a dude "well away" from S? 

"watched in horrified fascination"  That was what S was doing at the top of this scene, and then mentioned was totes over it just a bit above this line. Feels a bit repetitive like this. 

"sloughing"  almost always used with a preposition in this form. "off" is most common I think, but also "away."  

"look back at the not-guard" S's definitely not uncertain about whether or not he's a guard by now. i mean, if you want to get gruesome about it, he's a sack of torn flesh and exposed guts being held together by a fungal glue at this point slowly asphyxiating and there's really no reason to equivocate about whether or not that's capable of being a Queensguard anymore... 

"yearly trainings." nope, sorry. still sounds like assignations. :3

 

 

Getting better every time! 

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The chapter went through quite a lot. Out of everything, I think the horrifying aspect was the most memorable, and the inner turmoil was a close second.

In the first few pages, S feels pride, accomplishment, and hope. That was pretty nice, but then there were knocks upon the door, and S responded with lots of internalized annoyance. Between the knocks and opening the door, there was what I visualized as one long eye roll.

S references how several large commissions were unfinished. S was certain that possible customers would have to be turned away, disappointed, and yet the only commission that ends up being referenced is a big, finished one.

Oh hey, explosion! Hm, that means a big part of my prediction is a flop. The place is already blown up and burnt down.

On that note, I feel that the pacing of the action going on in this chapter is very similar to the pacing of everything else. The first one and a half pages in the chapter described a tense but peaceful alchemical process. Throwing the third pouch's contents onto NG2, and the violent suffering sequence afterward, lasted roughly the same amount of reading time. From this, I would guess that the story doesn't revolve much around urgency—there is always time to think, feel, and react.

S briefly thinks about how the house contains dangerous solvents that could be used to melt NG1 and NG2, but doesn't refer to the pouches with substances that we see do practically the same thing—worse, actually.

I get a fearless vibe from S. The knocks came late enough for there to be a, "At this hour?", but S didn't even consider the possibility of danger.

Likewise, S was careful with the pouches, but never had enough doubt to hesitate—the consequences of accidentally spilling the extract onto oneself was never considered hard or long enough for it to be described. This also speaks about how much confidence is placed in S's own expertise.

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I’ve gotta say I've never been very good at going back to the beginning, especially not having got to the end! I feel I’m very much reading as a writer now, and not as a reader, but probably I was always doing that. I think that’s the nature of alpha/beta reading, even if it’s subconscious, that you can still influence change in the story with your comments. Anyway, get on with it, Robinski!

Details below. I enjoyed this again. There’s good action and plenty of detail to chew on as we learn about the world. There’s a particular ‘flavour’ to proceedings that I like, and the fact that the ‘magic’ isn’t magic at all (so far) but is natural, provides a strong opening, I think.

Description is good, better than first time, I think, and certainly significantly better than Ard, imho. Problems? I had plenty! See below, but the main thing for me was S just leaving at the end of the chapter, not going back to see what might be salvageable from the house. There was at least one outbuilding, surely S was attached enough to the place to feel compelled to return even if just to confirm that everything was gone/ruined?

Good job.

<R>

  • “if I was going to impress at the alchemical fair tomorrow” – I'm working from my memory of last reading the start. I'm thinking about the travel time to the town/city, or my vague recollection of it from before. It seemed to take a fair time to make the journey. If S doesn’t leave for the town the day before (i.e. today), she’ll be travelling on the day of the fair. How much time does it take to travel to the town, set up for what S has to do, etc.? I'm concerned about the timescales being very rushed, implying poor planning.
  • “sprouted cup-shaped fungal” – for me, this is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated.
  • “As each cup sank, the blue-green color seeped from it into the” – this is a plural disagreement, for me.
  • “In the morning, I would meet a master.” – Again, travel time, but I'm pre-judging based on my previous read. Still, based on what I've read so far, I'm assuming town is about an hour away. Still, the implication is it seems late in the day to be preparing for such an important event.
  • “I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, with its wooden tools, stuck within a simplistic, wooden trade, any longer.” – grammar’s off here.
  • “Behind the damp stood two men” – tripped on this the first time. Damp what? Oh, dampness?
  • “tight red cloaks” – how is a cloak tight? I don’t really get that. Surely, by definition, a cloak is flappy.
  • “They were uneducated, for Queensguard” – how does S know that? I didn’t see an obvious indicator.
  • “crossed my arms, being careful not to crush any of the pouches of fungal pigment that dangled from my leather bandolier” – seems like a design flaw if S can’t cross arms without the bandolier being an encumbrance. Is this a change from it being a belt at the waist?
  • “hard pressed to find it under all of Mother’s rusting tools” – who keeps an important certificate under a bunch of rusty tools? I always thought of S having good attention to detail.
  • The description of the guards is very effective. Little details like being muddy, falling in the bush, sniffing. Good imagery.
  • “stupid handmade floor. I was going to have to refinish it now” – this jars with me. Why have such a fancy floor in a reception room, which the least amount of mud ruins the whole thing. So, no one can go out on a rainy day for fear of bringing mud in a ruining the floor? If this was the second drawing room of some mansion, fine, but it’s a woodcutter’s house in the forest.
  • “stripped the lock from the right door” – confused. If the door’s not locked, why does S need to remove the lock?
  • “the ones she sold to guilds for apprenticeships, and taken none of their children in return” – don’t understand. I think it means that she would take in new apprentices from parents who belonged to other guilds. It could be clearer. I think my confusion comes from the fact that it’s described as an exchange, so why would she be receiving money, since she’d just be paying it out again when she ‘bought’ an apprentice back. The money seems redundant, unless she’s not buying from the same people she’s selling to, but that’s the way it’s described. In the end, I just spend far too much time trying to figure this.
  • “A woodcutter was not who I was, a daughter was not who I was,” – Very awkward, compared to ‘a woodcutter I was not’, for example, or even ‘I was not a woodcutter’.
  • “There was an oilcloth on the floor near the door, already coated with paraffin” – if S has not been in here for a month, surely the paraffin in this cloth has long since evaporated.
  • “cut veneer so expertly glued together and dyed” – this phrase does not sound expert, I'd prefer a more technical-sounding word, like assembled, cemented (in place), (finely) constructed, manufactured, etc.
  • “The ability to take those pigments from the wood and use them for other purposes” – from the fungi, surely.
  • “had snagged halfway through when the bottom of the door hit the ground below” – but the door swung open very smoothly when they arrived, how is it sticking now?
  • “rainforests of Thu as it was in the tropical ones of Sor’s capital” – So, Thu is the village where S lives, and Sor is the country, so why don’t you name the capital here?
  • “propped the panel against it so it couldn’t be shut again” – using this unique thing made by royal appointment to prop a door open?!
  • “damp air would help air out the house” – bit awkward, but I don’t have a better suggestion!
  • “laying against the door, open to the elements” – No, I'm not having that – S put it there, that’s on S.
  • On Page 2 you say “Tomorrow I would leave the woodcutting guild” – giving the indication that S is a member, I think, but S is not, as we find out here.
  • “grabbed me by the wrist before I hit the threshold” – this seems well off tone, more like modern ‘street’ slang. Why not just ‘reached’?
  • “The tears I was determined to not shed let fall streaked across my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks” – ‘shed’ suggested for flow, but parts of this sentence seem contradictory, suggesting S already was crying, although the tears had just started to flow in the first part of the sentence.
  • “Before I could get my feet under myself” – me.
  • “I am not a woodcutter” – no, but S is sort of an imitation, which I thought was his point.
  • “The tall one grabbed me” – S started skittering 4 lines before this, and there was no indication of the tall one following. Isn’t he still writhing? I don’t see how he can just grab S.
  • “but I could just make out the taller one breaking away and moving back towards Mother’s house” – grammar seems off.
  • “perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother’s veneer, and then was tossed farther inside” – I think you could punch up the impact of his action a lot by personalising the last part, and giving it a sentence of its own. ‘He tossed the flame inward/further inside.’
  • “The idiot. The absolute uneducated toadstool” – Weak, but writing Moth may have desensitised me.
  • “the cart rocked precariously” – I think this would be the first sensory input after the explosion, before debris raining down.
  • “He was…he was melting,”
  • “The logical thing to do”
  • “if it meant…it meant I would stay in Thuja. It meant never getting away from the villagers and their taunts. It meant staying with Mother and, and…” – there’s a lot of repetition of words in these last couple of pages, by this point, I think it’s just diluting the impact of what’s happened.

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I'm here again! I agree with @Robinski to some extent, that It's hard to be as objective as I was the first time around. Glad we've got some new blood commenting.

Overall, this read better. Still maybe a bit long for a first chapter, but held my interest. The emoting is a part of that. S seems even more prickly than last time! That contrasted with S's competence in creating the powders makes for a compelling character.

pg 10: I understand that the reaction to "woman" takes priority, but S also doesn't have a reaction to them namedropping the Grandmaster of Witchcraft. Wouldn't S be curious about that?

pg 11: maybe somewhere on this page when S thinks through the options?

pg 12: ok, here it is, but to witches in general. I'd be more concerned the Grandmaster themself was calling for a kidnapping.

pg 13: This has a better reaction from S to the house being destroyed.

pg 14: first mention of the sash here. There was a brief description at the beginning of the bandolier, but might need a reminder in the middle.

pg 16: "he melting, although not really. "
--missing a word

pg 17: ok, reaction here about the Grandmaster Witch--good.

pg 17: "Why couldn’t I seem to relax?"
--I'd think that was pretty obvious, after S just killed a man.

pg 18: "woodcutter’s unguilded apprentice"
--But, there's nothing actually stopping S from being guilded, right? S doesn't like it, but with no other options left, it's still a path S could take.

Also agree with Robinski that S should at least look through the rubble to see what supplies can be had for the trip to Thuja, though that might be in the next chapter.

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Overall: 

I really enjoyed this, it was very polished and had great momentum. I feel like there was very little wasted space, and it got me invested in S and their struggles very quickly. There were also some great hints to the setting that piqued my interest that I look forward to learning more of in the future. I, like @Paracosmic_nomenclator , didn't get S's heated reaction to the term "daughter" when it first cropped up, though by the time they had reached the workshop I had caught wise to the context. Like @Asmodemon , I would have liked to get some sense as to what S looks like at some point in this chapter. While I have a decent grasp of S's character I would not be able to pick them out of a lineup, and I think that's fairly important.

I genuinely really enjoyed it, though, and especially enjoyed S, who makes for an intriguing protagonist.

 

Detailed:

Page 1:

-A really strong first line, it sets the scene very well.

-The details of the alchemical procedures feel very well realized and are described well.


Page 3:

-The protagonist's annoyance at the prospect of visitors does a good job of building the setting without feeling like an info-dump.


Page 5:

-I wish we had gotten S's name earlier than this, but it makes sense that this would be the first opportunity for it to be spoken aloud.


Page 6:

-S enjoying the scents of fungal decay is an interesting little aside that adds character to them.


Page 7:

-S's discomfort and turmoil are incredibly vivid and it really draws me into their struggle.


Page 8:

-I realized right at the beginning of this page that things weren't right, and I found it frustrating that S was not catching on. But given their focus on personal matters it does make perfect sense.


Page 12:

-Seriously, why would a witch want a woodcutter? 


Page 14:

-Were S's pouches mentioned earlier? I don't recall if they were or not.


Page 16:

-The description of S's kidnapper's plight is both horrifying and mesmerizing in equal measure. It couldn't have happened to a better guy.

-"He was...he melting," - there's probably a "was" missing here.

-The description of his condition after this is a bit confusing, some additional lines might clarify. Is his skin bunching up so tightly that it's ripping free of the muscle? That's what I'm picturing, but I'm not sure if that's right.


Page 17:

-"The logic thing" - probably mean "the logical thing"

-Weren't there two guards? I thought maybe the second had perished in the explosion, but afterwards S thinks, "these two would kill me," which suggests that both are still alive, maybe make it clear earlier on that only one of the thugs still lives?

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- This is new to me, and I really love the opening. My first thought is "what kind of bones are those", and I like how you weave the answer into the description.

- I get the main character is excited about finally becoming an alchemist, but it still feels a little bit more like telling rather than showing.

- I like the action . . . the loss of Mother's house . . . but I think this chapter might be a bit too long. It might be better to end this chapter with the explosion, and then follow it up with Sorin reacting to it's loss, and establishing what the loss means to her. That way it doesn't feel like anything is tacked on. 

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uc

I'll make numerous suggestions.  Like before, you won't use all of them.  Hopefully some are helpful. Before I list them, I want to bring attention to your use of 'would', 'had', 'would', 'could', and 'was' and 'as'.  Your are choosing to use weak verbs too often.  

You need to use sound more.  People resonate with sight first, then sound 2nd.  I like your use of smell, but you will connect with readers more if you add sounds more often. 

Page 1

Can you love joy? I'm not sure. 

 

I'd been distilling the solvent for the past three days and that horrible dead fish smell was never going ot come out of the woodwork. 

I'd been distilling the solve for three days and feared the dead fish odor would permeate the woodwork permanantly.

 

Mother would have a fit, but then again, Mother was weeks late returning home. 

Mother would throw a fit when she returned, she was three weeks late already.

 

I wasn't going to let abesentmindedness keep me from the alchemical guild fair. 

Her absentmindededness wouldn't keep me from the alchemical guild fair. 

 

I'd been trying to attend since I was fourteen. 

I'd wanted to attend since I turned fourteen.  Now, eleven years later, I was going. 

 

(How does the alchemist try to attend?  Did something prevent it?  The sentnece is vague). 

 

What kind of wood floor did the alchemist create? You specify trees all the time, I think this would keep it consistent with the woodworkng family background. 

 

I removed a thin branch from my basket and took....

I removed a thin branch from my collection basket and took...

 

Page 2

 

I turned and burrowed my face into my shoulder, wiping the tears away.

I tunred and burrowed my face into my shoulder and wiped my tears. 

 

Other solvents, like alcohols, were much less caustic, but they had no effect on the fungi I used, or at least not the affect I sought. 

Other solvents, like alcohols, were less caustic, but they didn't affect the fung I used.  

 

...it was magical, almost, except, this was alcheymy not withcraft, and I wasn't bumbling. 

-magic is an odd word choice since your character makes such a point of not being a witch. 

 

...seeped form them into the solvent and expanded outwards in concentric rings. 

...seeped from them into the solvent and spread outward in concentric rings. 

 

The color slowly droppd down, unitl the liquid...

The color slowly seeped, until the liquid...

 

I waited, still hardly daring to breathe. 

I waited, barely breathing. 

 

I carried the extract to the windowsill, opened the pane

I carried the extract to the windowsill, slid opent the pane

 

Tomorrow I would leave the woodcutting guild and would finally, finally, get to be an alchemist. 

Too repetitive and uneceassary. 

 

I would get a contract, then I would leave. 

I would get a contrat, and then leave. 

 

Page 3

I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, with its wooden tools, stuck within a simplistic wooden trade, any longer.

(If you read the sentence and remove the clauses, it doesn't make sense: I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, any longer.)

 

At this hour? They were in for a rude surprise, the idiots. If they were here for me, it was because the villagers had a clear misunderstanding of what alchemy entailed. 

At this hour? They were in for a rude surprise,  The idiots. If they were sought me, the villagers misunderstood what alchemy entailed. 

 

I'd move the sentence: "I had no potions to offer them." to the end of the paragraph.

 

... , I still would not have been party to their childist love of magic. 

..., I sitll wold not suppor their childist love of magic. 

 

There was another option, however, one that I liked even less. 

There was another option, however, one I liked even less. 

 

Contracs were coming due that I had no ability ot fulfilll, and her clients were not ones who tollerated delays well. 

Contracs were coming due that I had no ability ot fulfilll, and her clients were not ones who tollerated delays.

 

Mother took these walkabouts yearly, but she was usually back well before the fair.

Mother took these walkabouts yearly, but she usually returned before the fair.

 

This time she was two weeks late, and there was now a constant stream of people banging at my door. I hated people...

This time she was two weeks late, and the constant banging at the door disrupted my work. 

 

That was the best part about laboratories.   (I can't belive that she likes this part the best.  Maybe a perk, but the best?)

I longed for laboratories where people didn't yell or bang around or make asinine commetns about potions and spells when you were just extracting things. 

 

People didn't tend to talk in laboratories, either, which meant fewer snide comments and thinly veiled jabs about what one wore, or how one acted.

People didn't tend to talk in laboratories, either, which meant not hearing snide comments and thinly veiled jabs about what I wore, or how I acted. 

 

A breeze came in first and blew mist right at my face.

A breeze came in first and blew mist in my face. 

 

Page 4

 

Move the sentence: "They were sloppy, for Queensguard..." to the place right before: "The short one was in no better shape, and muddy too...

I'd also suggest cutting: although I wasn't surprised to see them. 

 

The taller guard moved to step into the house, flipping a layer of long wet hair over his shoulder as he did so. 

The taller guard moved to step into the house, flipping a layer of long wet hair over his shoulder. 

 

The smell must have hit him right then, as he stepped back into his partner...

The smell must have hit him right then, because he backed into his partner. 

 

The taller sneezed, then spat, and then sneezed again. 

The taller sneezed, then spat, and then sneezed again. 

 

For Queensguard, I was decidedly unimpressed. 

For Queensguard, I was  unimpressed. 

They were uneducated for Queensguard.

They were uneducated.    (So I am going to post this here as the page won't let me hit return anymore)

 

 

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The tall one glared and rubbed at his nose.  His eyes were still squinted, whether form the wind or the odor, I didn't know.

The tall one glard at me with squinted eyes.  

 

Page 5

The description of the table threw me.  Is the streak going down the leg, or across teh surface?

Page 6

You would benefit by adding more audio into these paragraphs. 

Page 7

A woodcutter was not...

I wasn't a woodcutter and I wasn't a duaghter.  

(Too many uses of 'was'.  One in the first three sentences of the 2nd paragraph). 

 

That was my contribution.

My contribution. 

 

The queen had wanted a parrot

The queen's order specfied a parrot

 

We had delivered. 

We delievered. 

 

...that was mine alone, and it woudl get men an alchemical apprenticeship.

...that was mine alone, and it would earn me an alchemical apprenticeship.

 

...but it had snagged halfway through when the bottom of the door hit the ground below. 

...but the door snagged halfway when its bottom caught the ground below. 

 

It was simple swelling

Wood swelled. 

 

Page 8

 

Yet they'd not even reasoned...

The guardsmen didn't think of simply lifting the door...

 

Queensguard were much better educated

Queensguard should know better. 

 

They weren't quite right and I didn't care...

They weren't quite right and it bothered me. 

 

The cool, damp air would help air out the house and would keep the...

THe cool, damp air would air out the house and keep the...

 

I pulled enough of the cloth off so the two guards...

I pulled enough of the cloth so the guards...

 

 Cut this: "It was best to them on their way, Queensguard or not."

 

More anger and outrage needed in the last paragraph (Queensguar, however, no longer...) 

 

 

(ok, I'm going to break here. Not feeling well. I'll try to add the rest tomorrow. )

 

 

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Page 9 

Neither one had looked at the panel yet, and the hair raised on my arms. That was a fourteen hundred stone comission...

Neither one spared a glance at teh panel yet, and the hair raised on my arms.  Something's wrong.  You don't leave a fourteen hundred sotne commission laying agaist the door...

 

That was moer than the entire town of Thuja made in one year. 

Not when its value exceeded the earnings of all of Thuja in one year. 

 

They hand't come form the palace, that was now abundantly clear.  

They weren't from the palace.  

 

I took a step towowards the door, making sure to keep my growing unease from showing on my face.  

I took a step towards, trying to hide my growing undease...

 

Page 10

I didn't need a reminder of my failiure to declare to my Mother's guild, or any other, for that matter. 

I didn't need to be reminded of my decision not to declare for my Mother's guild.     (This line confused me on the first read though. I got it after I finished the story and re-read it...but most people only read once.)

 

Since you're not Queensguard, why are you here?

Since you're not Queensguard, who are you?

 

My skin was too tight, all of a sudden.

My skin constricted around me.  

 

I pulled back, turning to slap him, aand just as I spun around, he let go. 

I pulled back, turning to slap him.  He let go.  

 

Page 11

The tears i was determined to not let fall streaked acrsoss my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks.  

The tears streaked across my face, cutting rivulets across my muddy cheeks. 

 

Before I could get my feet under myself, thick fingers dug into my arms and I was hauled form the ground and dragged forward. 

Before I could stand, thick fingers dug into my arms and hauled me from the ground, dragging me forward. 

 

Their hands were wide, and their arms much stronger than my own, and when I pulled, their grips tightened. 

Their hands were wide, and strong.  When I pulled, their grips tightened.

 

The mist was thick in my mouth as I sucked in gapss of air. 

I gasped for air, thick with mist, as I tried to kick, step on, or injure the men who held me. 

 

"A master woodcutter would be worth more than a confused imitation, but we seem to be out of the first option," the taller one said. 

"A master woodcutter would be worth more than a confused imitation, but we seem to be out of options," the taller one said. 

 

The not-guard screamed and dropped my right arm. 

He screamed and I droopped my right arm. 

 

Your second last paragraph on page 11 offered too much explanation. I think you tighten this up.

I couldn't think of what I should do.  I'd never dealt with kidnappers.

 

Page 12

To leave it seemed like a stupid waste...

To leave it seeme like a waste

 

Someone should have it, even just ignorant kidnappers. 

Someone shoulde have it, instead of leaving it to rot. 

 

Page 13

Something caught in the guard's hand--perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother's veneer, and then was tossed farther inside. 

Something caught in the guard's hand--perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother's veneer, and then he tossed it.

 

You describe an explosion without describing the sound. Since a person tends to flinch, I think the primary sense should be aural for this paragraph?

 

I had sought to leave Mother's legacy behind, but never had I dreamed it would not be there should I wish to come back. 

I had sought to leave Mother's legacy behind, but I never dreamed it would not be there if I chose to come back.  (choose in a stronger verb than wish)

 

Another, smaller explosion folllowed (followed is a weak verb for an explosion). 

 

I had to get away.  These two would kill  me from sheer idiocy otherwise. 

I had to get free or die from my abductor's idiocy.  

 

Page 14

The cart bumped again and I was flung  to the back, close to the inserts of my manacles. I grabbed the wood frame of the cart...

The cart bumped again and flung me to the back, near the inserts of my manacles.  I grunted and grabbed the wood frame of the cart with...

 

Your charafters makes a dangerous choice in the first paragraph. I think you should draw attention to  it so the reader will believe it easier.  Acknowledge and ease any problems with suspending disbelief. 

 

Too much filterin in the second paragraph.

 

There as a crackling noise, hopefully too low for the reamining man ot hear as we crashed along the path.  

The manacles cracked. (mention how loud the bumping cart is earlier on and we have no need to mention its noise maked the crack).  

 

He had a dagger in his hand that remained pointed at me as he climbed into the cart and I pushed back. 

He wielded a dagger and pointed it at me as he climbed into the cart. 

 

Page 15

In the paragraph that ends at the top of the page, your character explains that their words didn't matter, and suggests the tone does.  But we've already seen that the mention of certain words causes strong physiological and mental responses. 

 

I had to get away, before his words eroeded my confidence...

I needed to escape, before his words shreded my confidence...

 

Page 16

It was horrific to watch and yet, yet...a part of me coulnd't help but be proud. 

It was horrific to watch and yet...I felt pride. 

 

The novelty had worn off...

The novelty wore off...

 

It was best for him to think I was too afraid to bold and let the pigment run its course well away from my own skin. 

It was best for him to think I was too afraid to bold while the pigment ran its course well away form me.  

 

He was...he melting...

He was...melting...

 

I had thtought my heart might stop pounding once the man was down,

I thought my heart might stop pounding once the man dropped...

 

Page 17

He was curled up on on his side like a bug...

He lay curled on his side like a bug

 

His noises became throaty, like he was gagging on his...

His noises became throaty, like he gagged on hs own....

 

Page 18

But mt thoughts wouldn't be still. 

But my thoughts wouldn't rest. 

 

 

In recap:

I craved names as I read your chapter.  You get by without using them, but I really wanted somethign to root the characters with.  You have used too many weak verbs. Make the writing pop by chaing the 'could have', 'had done', and 'would do',  and other 'to be' verbs to something more active.  The actions scenes worked, but the pace slowed down at times when I don't think they needed too.  You ignore sound too often.  Starting paragraphs with kinetic actions, followed by sounds and then adding something visual is a hypnotic patter that will improve your blocking I think. 

Pat raced through the doorway and covered his ears. Jasmine's new amplifier filled the room with deafening feedback that sent him scurrying down the hall. When he reached his room he gaped at the sight of his dresser drawers flung to the floor as though he'd been robbed. When he noticed the empty bubblegum wrappers trailing to his closet along, he wailed. There was no doubtiing the return of the bubble gum monster!

 

(Sorry my son asks me for stories all the time and I coulnd't resist the opportunity to plant one on the screen).  

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@Vreeah, thank you for the thoughtful comments! It's always great to get personal thoughts as people read. It helps me tweak things.

On 7/20/2017 at 4:03 AM, Robinski said:

How much time does it take to travel to the town, set up for what S has to do, etc.

Originally S was going to leave in the morning, and now walks there during the night to catch the same boat. I'll think about the going back to the house thing. Hmm.

On 7/20/2017 at 4:03 AM, Robinski said:

Is this a change from it being a belt at the waist?

It goes on the waist later, after the bandolier is taken at the inn. 

On 7/20/2017 at 4:03 AM, Robinski said:

why does S need to remove the lock?

Aheh. Typo.

On 7/20/2017 at 4:03 AM, Robinski said:

Weak, but writing Moth may have desensitised me.

And here I thought it was clever! I'm trying to have S curse very little, if at all. That's M's job.

On 7/20/2017 at 4:03 AM, Robinski said:

by this point, I think it’s just diluting the impact of what’s happened.

Check. Will condense.

Thank you for the thorough picking apart! I've made copious notes.

On 7/20/2017 at 3:49 PM, Mandamon said:

Wouldn't S be curious about that?

Good call.

On 7/20/2017 at 3:49 PM, Mandamon said:

S should at least look through the rubble

I've added in a line about this. Thanks for reading yet again, @Mandamon! I've done some rejiggering in the first fifty pages, trying to get this thing ready for sub, and it's nice to have new eyes and experienced eyes on it!

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On 7/20/2017 at 5:08 PM, Yuoaman said:

The description of his condition after this is a bit confusing, some additional lines might clarify. Is his skin bunching up so tightly that it's ripping free of the muscle? That's what I'm picturing, but I'm not sure if that's right.

I'll go back and check. 

On 7/20/2017 at 5:08 PM, Yuoaman said:

maybe make it clear earlier on that only one of the thugs still lives?

A number of people commented on this. I've cleaned it up, I hope. Thank you for the feedback!!

 

@M.Puddles - wow. That's a ton of LBLs. I won't respond to each individually but thank you for all the time you put into this! S's language is awkward by design, although some of the passive voice areas definitely needed to be cleaned up. Your LBLs will give me a nice outline of where to focus the scrubbing efforts. Thank you!

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On 20-7-2017 at 4:41 AM, kais said:

So how important is it to you to get personal descriptions early? More do come, but I stuck them in slowly. Better earlier?

I do like some defining traits early, so I can start with an image in my head, but I don’t mind if full descriptions are added in slowly, since I probably won’t remember most of them if they are just dumped in, but I’ve read first-person stories where you never really get a description other than the image of the protagonist on the cover. So it’s good to know you’re not doing that.

On 20-7-2017 at 4:41 AM, kais said:

Thank you again!! Hope to see you around the boards more often!

You’re welcome. I’m going to try and be more active around the boards again. It’s been quite a while :)

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On 7/19/2017 at 11:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

1-pass line-by-line highlight reel, as requested. :3  i mean >:{  Grr! Serious face! 

Whew, thanks for these, @industrialistDragon! Very comprehensive. I finally got through all of them! This is now the spiffiest chapter one ever!

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