20170501 - The Seeds of Dissolution - Ch10 - Mandamon - 4601

[Mandamon]

Hello all,
Ch 10 this week, in which we learn more about Drains and the Aridori

Previously:
Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole.
Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien.
Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam.
Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a  protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji.
Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home.
Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice.
Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom.
Ch8: Rilan is in a session of the Assembly where a faction of one species is attempting to withdraw. Sam has his first lunch in the Nether with friends
Ch9: The Assembly debates about the secession, the Aridori, and the Drains. Sam learns about the Aridori and his new friends.

Looking for:
-Anything you see...

[rdpulfer]

- I really like seeing Origon wincing . . . it gives us a sense he's not completely fearless :0

- Interesting development about the Drain . . . 

- Again, I like how Origon and Rilan interact - and how he refrains from pushing her.

- I also like how Sam seems to be developing, no longer panicking, but instead, feeling anger . . . although the panic does come back at the very end.

 

[Robinski]

Comments!  

• “A number of animals have immigrated to the Neth” – I feel that sentient beings immigrate, i.e. using freewill, but animals don’t, they are introduced or brought by sentient beings.
• “Domesticated animals live there” – again, this sounds like the animals do it from choice, which they don’t.
• “was bare when it was discovered, so and new species always look to fill out niches in the ecological web” – ‘barren’? Also, just because the Ne was barren, doesn’t mean that this rule for new species follows everywhere.
• “If they were had been Kir children” – imho.
• “Maybe if he shook them he would get more out of them” – lol.
• “patted the brother on his the shoulder” – or it sounds like the patters shoulder, imho.
• “raised a hand, and white and olive green sparks began to swirl around it” – This seems very presumptuous for Ril, seems a bit out of character, remembering how she carefully discussed with Sam what treatment she could offer, and only had his permission before acting.
• “hitting into the doorway with a grunt” – suggest ‘bumping’, ‘hitting’ sounds on purpose.
• “always too quick to offer to use her song for her patients” – going to my point above, quirk to offer, yes, but not to act without permission, surely.
• “they’re all bodged up about it” – lol, although I thought bodge was more like ‘botch’, actively making a mess of something.
• “He insisted. Waiting galled him.” – I had to read that twice, suggest clarifying maybe.
• “You can let them rest a couple…” – seems half way between saying ‘a couple of days’ and just saying ‘let them rest’ – I think either would be clearer than this.
• “His thoughts screamed that they would get tired of him quickly’ – what’s the basis for this? I don’t get it. I don’t see how this follows from his existing phobia.
• “Every trip was presented something new to see” – but the trip is not the thing to see.
• “the dark-haired young man” – I think this makes a big difference in reader perception of age.
• “One of these times, they’re going to tell me to stop, to go away.” – I'm concerned we’re going from one neurosis to another, it’s getting a bit tiresome. Having a weak protagonist is something of a risk, it could make other characters, whose POVs we are not in, more interesting and appealing.
• “Are they looking for something”
• “Arid patrols” – to me, this sounds like the patrols are made up of Ari, as a Stormtrooper patrol would search for rebels.
• “Them citizen’s citizens been getting uneasy”
• “Listen,” he said” – I do like this. Sam gets a chance to be capable, hurrah!
• “When the shorter man came up again” – this makes Ins sound 20+. I have assumed they are the same sort of age and experience level. Would you refer to Ens. as a woman?
• “Wisps of green spiraled down his legs and into the ground” – suggest.
• “They’re only children” – See, everyone perceives them as youngsters, and yet the narrative refers to Ins. as a ‘man’.
• “I am not certain she knows how” – How to teach Ens, right, not how to heal? A bit confusing.
• “to pry loose stones out of a nearby wall”
• “Ye really donna ken” – If you're going full Scots, this would be ‘dinnae’ (for don’t), in the same way as ‘cannae’ (for can’t).
• “hoping for a hand form from Ens, or Ins”

Good strong chapter for me, with some plot development, the action of the mob, and also some progress in Sam’s relationships. I think that chapters that combine different elements are the most effective, especially when progress is maintained. Nice little drop of Sam catching a snatch of the symphony.

I enjoy the introduction of a bigger role for Ins since I read the story first time around. That’s becoming really quite effective. The only real bugbear I had in this chapter was the reference of Ins as a ‘man’, which seems off to me, and gives me an impression I don’t want. Once at least I had no idea who was being referred to!

Nice work.

<R>

Edited May 2, 2017 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Thanks to @Robinski and @rdpulfer for feedback and all the great catches.

On 5/2/2017 at 10:24 AM, Robinski said:

The only real bugbear I had in this chapter was the reference of Ins as a ‘man’

Yeah, I've had some problems with this while writing. "Young man/woman" seems to work for the older folks talking to the apprentices, but I'm not sure what to use when looking at someone around the same age as the character (17/18 ish). We might say "a guy" or "a friend of mine." I picked "man" as (I think) we tend to age ourselves up. Dunno--how did you think of, say, college friends?

[Robinski]

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

not sure what to use when looking at someone around the same age as the character

Hmm, I see your point. I guess you could use the old 'non-binary' approach of avoiding the term and referring to 'his friend', 'En's brother', 'X's apprentice'. I don't think 'man' is any better than 'young man' in Sam's POV. Does Sam think of himself as a man? Then the question becomes what is the correct term? Adolescent? Nobody Valls themselves that. Teenager? Hmm...

Guy? Yeah - that's not bad. In college, I'm not sure I thought about it at all, but just thought in terms of names. Tricky one.

Edited May 4, 2017 by Robinski