TWD - Chapter 09 - kais 04/17/17 3894 words (V, G?, NC*)

[kais]

I wrote a shorter chapter! HAHAHA!

TWD is dark adult fantasy. Hey hey, we’re in draft one! Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. 

Tags: I don’t really understand the threshold for gore. I don’t think this is gory? Someone’s skin gets sliced with a crystal but I don’t comment too heavily on it. NC= non-consent, in that rape is briefly discussed as an historic act. 

 

[Robinski]

Lol - congratulations    Comments.

• “but the rigidness of her body” – rigidity
• “we’d left the guildhall laughing to tears” – confused; there didn’t seem to be much to laugh about from what I remember of their respective moods as they made for the door.
• “as if we were walking alongside reality instead of in it” – nice line
• “Whatever your brother wants, we don’t have time for it. Whatever this witch wants, we need to deal with it immediately” – confused again. Didn’t she just question whether Sor’s brother was implicated? And how does it take precedence over the treaty?
• “We entered to the inn and…”
• “Imbuing them through another’s body… it’s ridiculous!” – I think you need to clarify the first reference to this. It doesn’t land so well here because I didn’t think the earlier reference was clear.
• “a sympathetic smile playing at played on her mouth”
• “We need to work on your speaking,” – unclear. Sor’s delivery, their negotiation skills, their tone?
• “The horse was skittish and sidestepped when I took the reigns reins,”
• “brown and frayed at the hem” - ?
• “Mag’s horse in the chest and the beast crumbled” – I struggled to see this bringing a horse down with one blow. I felt like it should have reared. Dunno, I'm not a horsey person.
• “Tears stung my eyes” – I was looking to have something about the alcohol in Sor’s mouth/throat.
• “pinched a thumbnail sized amount to the top” – I'm confused about the powder deployment. Sor pinches a small amount, and I presume from the wording that was the intention, because there’s no indication it wasn’t. Then, however, Sor ends up spraying the whole pouch around. So, what was the point of pinching the small amount?
• “ran as fast as they could” - ?
• “choking on steam and charred air” – I'm not convinced there’s enough water/snow for a noticeable amount of steam to form. Having said this, I like the idea, but the description doesn’t convince me, thus far.
• “I couldn’t do either without more snow for my hands” – I don’t understand this. I kind of glossed over the comment about Sor’s hands being wet before.

Yes, very good job this time around. Tearing apart couples / partners / etc. at this stage in a story is a tried a tested technique. Kudos on that. The mod scene was well done. I can always tell when I get that helpless feeling, that feeling of ‘Nooo!!’ that I'm immersed in what’s going on. The description of the ‘riot’ was convincing, visceral in places. Also, I was ‘happy’ to accept the witch’s control of Sor at the end, and Sor’s reluctant acceptance of the situation; their sacrifice to save Mag.

Good job. Keep in coming.

 <R>

[Mandamon]

I think the new ending to the chapter is better, and has more tension. Interested to see where this goes! However, I still have a problem with how easily the townsfolk are incited to violence. Is it WRS, or is the only sign that S might be a witch that S appeared in the guild? There weren't any other affects? For whole town to go from zero to "burn the Royal Daughter" seems a bit much without more provocation.

pg 1: "Her sibling hadn’t shown up, and we’d left the guildhall laughing to tears"
--Not sure what this means

pg 3: "Magic swords! They could have been made another way"
--ok, so actually turning women's skills into a magic weapon? Were the women witches, or just any woman?

pg 4: "where women and yes, even some men, were trained, skilled, and then all of those abilities taken from them "
--need clarity on what skills: magic? martial?

pg 5: “What?” I called up, although I was too far from M for her to hear me."
--Did S not hear? If so, then why was the previous dialogue reported?

pg 7: "The guilders had been laughing just minutes before"
--had they?

pg 7: "All held wooden torches. Some had drawn swords or boning knives. A woman in the very back held a thick length of rope."
--there's a difference between not liking someone, and wanting to lynch them. What exactly is the reason for the townsfolk gathering? That S appeared in the guild? In this version (I think) that's the only indication that S might be a witch.

pg 8: "A child threw a knife."
--They grow them mean up in Sorpsi, and strong. Agree with @Robinski that it's unlikely a child can bring down a horse.

bottom of pg 10: repetition of "forms"

pg 13: A trail of magic or a trail of…magic? Alchemy?
--should the second "magic" be deleted?