20170417 - The Seeds of Dissolution - Ch8 - Mandamon - 5442

[Mandamon]

Hello all,
Apologies, slightly long this week. Ch 8 covers Politics and Lunch.

Previously:
Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole.
Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien.
Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam.
Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji.
Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home.
Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice.
Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom.

Looking for:
-Is the political stuff understandable/interesting?
-How do the Sam/group dynamics work?
-Anything else you see
 

[industrialistDragon]

Hey, I have some kinda sorta comments this time around!

 

Never thought i'd ping you for a slow opener but ... it's not great.  

Slightly unsure what Ori's ego has to do with him taking his seat in the areas reserved for him... unless i'm WRS-ing on his affiliation and he's poaching territory

 

That has got to be the most high-stakes game of "telephone" ever.... 

 

"Not that martial arts" Active meditation would probably do politicians a world of good! But I feel like I'm missing a part of this sentence, something to tie it back to the paragraph. 

 the skeptic in me is veerry suspicious of that "eye witness..."

 

"Gills gaped underneath" is he under a mushroom or some kind of bioengineered fish-canopy? 'cause it's a magical fantasyland, and fish-shade could totes be a thing.... >_>;

Ahh. there it is. okay, fungus is less biopunk and more in keeping with the millieu, but I'm still having a bit of trouble picturing it. 

 

That ending is rather abrupt. is that the chapter end or just a scene switch?

 

I found the politics to be easy to understand and very brief and to the point (which is why fictional politics are better than the real stuff  ). I expected more of it given the lead-up, tbh. 

 

I agree with @Ernei and cousin re: the kids' interactions -- not bad, but I lack enough data to really get a good impression.

[kais]

Overall

I enjoyed it! It's come a long way since last read. I agree with both @Ernei and @industrialistDragon that the kid's interactions is just fine, but none of them really stand out and grab me. Since we get lots more with them soon, might not be something to worry about. This time around I did think the politics were interesting, especially since the Aridori get covered with the kids, too. Nice work, and good on you for fixing the fungi errors! Mycologist me is pleased.

As I go

- I agree with @industrialistDragon that the start is pretty slow

- I am sufficiently pleased with the dress description modifications.

- she commended his memory to the gods is a good line! I like it a lot, but suggest, since we don't know the sex of the orator, to change to 'their' instead of 'his'

- I had to go back and read to see how Veerga had insulted people. Maybe there could be a reaction from the crowd to draw it out more? Minor quibble, really.

- props for third gender

- Have you specifically addressed what being a Naiyul is somewhere? I know of it because I'm reading Merchants and Magi right now, but I think it would float right past me otherwise.

- the council meeting made a lot more sense to me this time than last. I don't know if that is because I've read it before, or I'm reading Merchants, or you've done some clean up (or maybe all three). Regardless, I think it works well now.

- Please tell me these caravan traveling twins are offspring of Prot and Amra. MAKE IT REAL. Don't make me write a band fanfic

- page 12: do we get those specific, third gender words? You have me curious as to your eventual neopronoun / 'they' usage

- Oh, yep, there it is! 'Zie' FTW!

- Yes. Fungus eating and fungus dining establishment pass mycological review. LOVE IT!

 

[Robinski]

Okay then. I’m hoping for something to grab me and shake me around a bit, I'm hoping for some action.

• “cut in to the Sath’s explanation of their secession” – bit confused at this point. The Speaker is only describing the withdrawal of the Cult of Form, not the whole Sath delegation. So, “should their request be approved” – surely the composition of the Sath delegation is a matter for them, and it must change from time-to-time, like the composition of a political party, which doesn’t need government approval of its members. I thought we were talking about the entire Sath race withdrawing their representation from the Assembly.
• “obviously wealthy shops” – I don’t think this conveys the right impression. Expensive shops? Luxurious shops? A cheese shop could be wealthy, if it has a high degree of profitability.
• “Gills gaped underneath, sheltering him from the ceiling” – huh?
• “His mind spun span at what to call the person” – it’s like the difference between ran and run.
• “Our last trading run was between TaiRapa” – to? The rest of the sentence doesn’t seem to make sense with this.
• “We had five days’ travel to the nearest town” – suggest
• “sniffed and wiped her nose with a silken sleeve” – Eww, I feel this is out of character. Also, En’s description of the drain attack seems odd. I mean, a person could run away from a drain, they don’t move that fast, surely.
• “What are these Arid everyone is frightened of?”
• “They are monsters,” Enos said, “But there cannot be any truth to the rumors. There can’t be. Those creatures were exterminated hundreds of cycles ago.” – I feel like the ending would have much more zing without ending on exposition.

I enjoyed this chapter. The Council scene was a good length, and the remaining section held my interest. I think it’s easier to read the youngsters discussing things together than it is the maji just expositing things at the youths. I would have stood some greater description of the meal and the flavours; that was an opportunity to introduce some ‘otherness’.

Nice work. Looking forward to next time and things (hopefully) hotting up some more.

<R>

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Ernei, @kais, @industrialistDragon, and @Robinski!

On 4/17/2017 at 0:23 PM, Ernei said:

"Sathssn" - Am I supposed to know how to pronounce that? O.o is there really only just one vowel? is it supposed to reflect the characteristics of the race's native language?

Yep--pretty much pronounced as its spelled. I've never had a problem with it, but I made it up.

On 4/17/2017 at 0:23 PM, Ernei said:

They are covered in clothes, I understand, but are they big, small, wide? Anything? Can you say if it's a Sathss underneath there, and not a human?

Good point @Ernei. I'll see if I can update this a bit.

On 4/17/2017 at 0:23 PM, Ernei said:

I hardly felt that it was R.'s POV in this whole piece,

This is the hardest part for me for this chapter. I'll keep working on it.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Never thought i'd ping you for a slow opener but ... it's not great.  

 

9 hours ago, kais said:

I agree with @industrialistDragon that the start is pretty slow

 

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

I’m hoping for something to grab me and shake me around a bit, I'm hoping for some action.

Yep, seems pretty universal. There are several key concepts in here that build up some of the tension later, but I've struggled to get it across. It's hard to make a political scene exciting. I'll keep at it!

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I found the politics to be easy to understand and very brief and to the point (which is why fictional politics are better than the real stuff  ). I expected more of it given the lead-up, tbh. 

Annnd...this is the other side of the problem. I feel like if I expand on this, it'll get even more boring, but I want to get the information on species interaction across.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

That ending is rather abrupt. is that the chapter end or just a scene switch?

It's both. These threads continue next chapter.

9 hours ago, kais said:

- Have you specifically addressed what being a Naiyul is somewhere? I know of it because I'm reading Merchants and Magi right now, but I think it would float right past me otherwise.

- the council meeting made a lot more sense to me this time than last. I don't know if that is because I've read it before, or I'm reading Merchants, or you've done some clean up (or maybe all three). Regardless, I think it works well now.

I'm pretty sure both of these are a lot clearer for reading Merchants and Maji. It's one of those parts where I'm not sure whether to leave it, or add more info at the cost of boring folks who've read the other stories. As long as you get that Naiyul=familyless, that's all you really need to know, I think.

 

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

I thought we were talking about the entire Sath race withdrawing their representation from the Assembly.

Ah, yes, It's just one faction, but a very vocal minority (think hard right conservatives), so the scare is they will lead others into secession. I'll try to make that clearer.

 

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

I feel like the ending would have much more zing without ending on exposition.

Yeah, might help. I'll look into it.

 

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

Looking forward to next time and things (hopefully) hotting up some more.

Aheh--we'll see what everyone thinks...

 

9 hours ago, kais said:

Please tell me these caravan traveling twins are offspring of Prot and Amra. MAKE IT REAL. Don't make me write a band fanfic

I really want this to be so as well, but timeline and plot don't add up ;-(

You are free to imagine fanfic, however...

[rdpulfer]

- Nice description of the the Council, but the pacing feels a bit slow.

- I like Tad's introduction. I also really like that, in this sea of alien characters, there's just a character named "Tad" standing out like a sore thumb.

- I like that Sam's anxiety is weighing down his interaction with his new colleagues. I really like that Sam is worried about standing out and screwing up in this alien culture. It adds a nice element of humanity to the character.

- Nice ending with the Aridori. Really curious how this connects to Sam's situation.