Robinski

Robinski - 170327 - TMM, Chapters 11 to 13 - 5080 words (L)

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Hello Everybody,

 

Thank you for your consideration of my latest submission of TMM, three whole chapters this time! Any comments very welcome, as ever. Whatever you like, and whatever you don't. If commenting, and you happen to remember, and if it's not too much trouble, can I ask you to reference the document pages, which are tracking my current draft. This week's sub should start at Page 97. Don't worry about it though, if you don't get the formatting, not a biggy :) 

 

Best, Robinski

 
Edited by Robinski
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FIRST! HAHAHAHA!

Overall

Enjoyable. Some issues still with Quirk's character, although Moth seemed more spot on. I enjoyed the imagery and the contract. I will say though, that I have no idea what Quirk does. It isn't sticking with me. I think I might need it blatantly laid out. I don't need to necessarily care about it, since I'm here to see Quirk and Moth interact, but some grasp of the larger plot would be nice. 

As I go

- Amazon, eh? You're speaking my ecosystem

- the first four pages have delightful imagery and I think you captured the predatory nature of the Amazon perfectly

- the second to last sentence on page 99 does't work for me. Seems out of place and tone, and throws me from the narrative

- page 103, where Quirk wonders about Moth's patience, also seems suddenly out of place. 

- end of 105: I feel let down by not knowing more about the contract. I feel like we were built up to it (the rest just being majestic views and travel), and then we got a fade away. :(

- I keep reading 'boffins' as 'bothans', and then I wonder just how many bothans died to bring us this manuscript?

“Do you mean gin-and-tonic stimulating, or maybe flight-attendant-in-the-washroom stimulating? So far, I'm not seeing it.” AHA THIS! THIS is what I expect with their interactions! Perfection.

- final page, final paragraph. I think this line could use tweaking. I know what you are going for, but again, this line lacks the finesse I associate with Quirk. Suggest something like: I always try to bring a young companion along. Nothing so stimulating as first-degree murder by reason of insanity. The endless ducking questions are merely a bonus. 

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Hey, Kais - thanks for reading, and breaking the critiquing ground on this submission :)

11 hours ago, kais said:

I think I might need it blatantly laid out. I don't need to necessarily care about it, since I'm here to see Quirk and Moth interact, but some grasp of the larger plot would be nice.

Yeah, fair enough. I can see that. I will work something more definitive in earlier on.

11 hours ago, kais said:

Amazon, eh? You're speaking my ecosystem

Err, oh yes. I seem to have got away with it. I was just reading names off a map...

11 hours ago, kais said:

I think you captured the predatory nature of the Amazon perfectly

well shucks, that means a lot from someone who's been there :D (proper chuffed)

11 hours ago, kais said:

last sentence on page 99 does't work for me

edited

11 hours ago, kais said:

I feel let down by not knowing more about the contract.

Yeah, ok. I've tweaked a bit.

11 hours ago, kais said:

I keep reading 'boffins' as 'bothans'

Lol. For what it's worth...

Scottish Gaelic [Noun]

bothan m (genitive singular bothainplural bothain or bothanan)

  1. cottage
  2. hutshed
  3. bothy
  4. shebeen

 

11 hours ago, kais said:

AHA THIS! THIS is what I expect with their interactions!

 Lol - excellent. I continue to strive. Maybe the next edit will see a few more of these premium quality zingers (if I can find them). There's a funny line about a cat in a 100 pages.

11 hours ago, kais said:

final page, final paragraph. I think this line could use tweaking.

Yeah, I agree. I'll have another go at that. The first version isn't very 'Doctor', is it?

Thank you so much for reading. Always a good examination, I feel like it's better already. Much appreciated :) 

 

Edited by Robinski
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So...another travel chapter. I'm still waiting for something to happen. I think this and the last chapter could be edited into one by taking out the boring bits and keeping all the tension between Q&M. I feel like their voices are fading, losing the snappy dialogue that I loved at the start.


First 2 pages are description before an dialogue/action. While I am a big fan of space elevators, perhaps move some of the description into dialogue or cut it.

pg 99: "and the trace of wonder that remained made the most positive look she had ever given him."
--clunky

pg 99: "S-0778’s dark blond synthetic ones."
--yeah--definitely need some android description before this point. I was not aware they were human enough to have hair.

pg 99: "Their luggage, including carry-ons, had been uplifted "
--The luggage now has sentience? O_o

pg 99/100 the departure desk paragraph could probably be cut. We all know the drill.

pg 100: "But no people, thought Q. Not even androids, it just made the whole place curiouser and curiouser."
--why? I would think most places like this would be automated.

end of pg 101/pg 102: lots of passive text here. I'd like to see M's outburst about the travel time.

pg 103: lots of numbers and travel times. especially after the last chapter being travel oriented, this is starting to drag.

pg 103: I bet were"
--I bet you were 

pg 103: "cast that up"
--what does this mean?

pg 105: The bartering for the contract is a bit more interesting, but I'm still waiting for the other show to drop. Is something going to happen while they travel, or are we just going to watch them for the next week or so?

pg 107: "you own body"
--your own body

pg 108: the android parts are more interesting to me than M&Q at this point. Might be WRS, but did we find out what Callan's condition is?

pg 109: This section could be attached to another chapter easily. I don't think it adds anything here.

pg 112: "Five, and you'll need to put your pen down"
--umm...I think you switch from M to Q's POV here until the end of the section...I do like the contract, though.

pg 114: "Uncle Toni said I was a director of like ten companies"
--raised eyebrow.

pg 116: "Q spent the next two hours recounting the details and progress of recent completed cases."
--I think you might be spitballing at this point...

pg 118: "“I try always to bring a young companion along who drives...with their...questions!!” "
--This sort of comes out of nowhere. I'd like to see more of Q's internal frustration to get to this point. As @kais said, their interactions are the best part, and the only thing keeping me going at this point until we happen along some more plot somewhere. I feel like we have a sense of both M and Q's character by now, so I'd like to see how they bounce off obstacles.

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Overall, I feel like Quirk's getting his groove back. I like this section much better than the previous ones! :)
 
"space elevator station ... was still the oddest thing" how did he get down planetside then? Maybe this is  Jumping in teh Middle Syndrome striking again, but if he's unfamiliar with the main way off-planet, it sorta of raises questions as to exactly HOW he got here in the first place, and how much travel he's actually done... 


Just to be clear, by "jumper" you mean a garment you put on over your shirt for warmth, and not a specific kind of sleeveless halter dress typically worn over a blouse and associated with young girls and innocence, correct? Yay regional language differences! (here are a bunch of people arguing about it (and pullover, sweater, cardigan, and woolie, jersey and sweatshirt, with guest appearance by pinafore))

 
"The young man smiled" Which guy again? where did he come from? Also, isn't M somewhere in the 13 to 15-ish range? It feels a little weird to have an adult flirt with her.
 
"The conversation with Moth became even more difficult " I'm starting to feel this way too. It's been a LOT of travel so far but  it feels like very little forward motion
 
"Once organised and acclimatised " this is a very long sentence...
 
"“I know taking shots at me is entertaining, but we've got to get on some kind of " haven't we been though this before? This chapter feels like a retread of the previous one, but if you have to pick between the two, this one is better
 
"Pandora," I like this, this is good! more like this, please. 
 
Still don't know what's going on with the interludes, and i'm not having much luck piecing it together, which is unusual for me. We're 13 chapters in at this point, and i'm not sure why this is even a part of this story, and not off on its own.  It doesn't comment on the chapters before or after it, it hasn't yet tied in to the main story, it doesn't seem to have a narrative of its own besides "corporate experiments bad, pity the poor stuck schmuck" and, so far, I haven't found the poor stuck schmuck either relatable or very interesting. What is the purpose of the interludes?
 
That bit with Q is really weird tacked on to the end of a callahan interlude. If you want to separate it, it might be better off as its own, short chapter. 

just as an aside, infidelity cases would fall under tort law unless there's a prenup, which may-or-may-not make it fall under contract. This is wayyy different from IP-law and insurance investigation.  Marriage laws are HIGHLY state-specific and stupidly intricate. Insurance law is both stupidly intricate, highly contractual, AND highly state-specific. IP law is highly contractual, reliant on caselaw for interpretation, and really bizarre when it comes to international jurisdictional issues. It's really unusual for even county seat attorneys (county seat == general practitioner for doctors. does-a-bit-of-everything non-specialist) to have this wide a spread of specializations. He might be better off as a skip tracer/actual PI, since that gives him a similar skillset with a wider application, and then pick two of the three things listed in the text for him to freelance at.  
 
Though again, I thought most insurance investigators weren't freelance? The ones I know of have fairly rigorous training programs and are employed through the company...  https://www.statefarm.com/careers/become-an-employee/career-areas/claims-investigation-careers
 
"Quirk and Moth were both more than ready to disembark" me, too. this is a lot of travel. A lot. 
 
The end of the chapter falls kind of flat. I liked that I finally got a description of just what exactly quirk does, but combined with the previous 3 chapters... it's a heckuvva lotta travel that does very little for moving the plot. 
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- I really like the details on the Amazon and the sense that the jungle, instead of being threatened by all this technology, is merely biding it's time.

- Would have liked to have seen Moth actually go through with the boarding interview - what was said, etc.

- As always, the banter between Moth and Quirk is spot-on.

- Didn't actually know there was a spelling bee movie entitled "Spellbound". You learn something knew every day.

- Overall, it's good - there's just a lot of traveling, as IndustrialDragon says. It feels like a bit much, but I like the characters, so I don't mind. 

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On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

So...another travel chapter. I'm still waiting for something to happen.

Yeah - I'm not entirely surprised to hear this comment. Noted - I'll see what I can do.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

some android description before this point

Fake hair, but yes, you're right. There is a bit in Chapter 1, but it's never tied down very well. More work required.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

Their luggage, including carry-ons, had been uplifted

Lol - not sentient luggage. Not spiritually uplifted :lol: I'll reword.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

departure desk paragraph could probably be cut

I'll prune back hard.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

I'd like to see M's outburst about the travel time

Hmm, I'll think on that. I was trying to make progress and skip it for once, but I'll revisit this.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

cast that up

It's a (British, I guess) expression meaning to nag / criticise about something specific. "I haven't forgotten when you broke that vase, you know." "Oh sure, cast that up again." - I'll change it.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

did we find out what Callan's condition is?

Perhaps not entirely definitively. I will review.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

I think you switch from M to Q's POV here until the end of the section

Indeed I did - not fixed.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

Uncle Toni said I was a director of like ten companies

I added a bit about Toni getting her to sign a bunch of stuff, in a silent partner sort of way.

On 28/03/2017 at 5:14 PM, Mandamon said:

I'd like to see more of Q's internal frustration to get to this point

Fair comment. I've tweaked this bit in any case, but I can see your point.

Thanks for those comments, Mandamon. I can always trust you to ask me some difficult questions. The travelling is a thing, and I'll need to take that onboard at some point. The biggest part is over, the remainder is in summary, essentially.

Thanks again, much appreciated :) 

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