20170312 - The Seeds of Dissolution - Ch4 v2 - Mandamon - 2750

[Mandamon]

Hello all,
Here is a new version of chapter 4. Still a worldbuilding chapter and dealing with Sam and his anxiety again.

Previously:
Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole
Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien
Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam

Looking for:
-Does Sam's anxiety work?
-Does this chapter have a better arc?
-Sam has a somewhat updated voice. Is it working?
-Anything else you see

[Robinski]

Comments.

• “the wooden walls of the alley” – two months later, this has bubbled to the surface for me. Given the engineering wonders of the Nether, I'm quite puzzled why there are wooden buildings here. It kinda throws my image of the city.

• “was lost to sight” – duplicated phrase.

• “They exited the alley” – is this another alley? I didn’t notice them go into a second alley.

• “took up the story” – I'm not sure about this directly drawing attention to the discussion as a ‘story’. For me it seems a bit deliberate, if that makes any sense.

• “convinced the Aridori and are real” – typo.

Yeah, I found this better than the first version. It felt more directed and I like the protest to add some tension and relieve the flow of information. I’m happy enough with Sam’s emotions through the chapter, and the arc of his ‘treatment’ wearing off.

Looking forward to the next instalment.

<R>

[rdpulfer]

- I like the description of his contained anxiety - his heart is beating faster, yet he can't seem to care.

- "Good for anxiety, not so much for the first time in an alien world". It probably should be on an alien world. Not sure if this is the right phase though - it's not specific enough to the situation. 

- The description of his muted anxiety is working much better this time around.

- I like the world-building in this chapter, and the subtle translation of "disturbance" to "distaste". Curious to see what happens next. 

[kais]

Overall

I'd still like to see more of the anxiety bleed back into Sam steadily as the cottoning fades. I think that would give the chapter a bit of a punch and help balance the world building with character building. Definitely reads smoother this time through!

 

As I go

- page two: ah, the mushroom analogy is much better

- page three: still going to call on the 'cooked mushroom' smell, because that is very vague. Mushrooms all smell very different

- page five: as the 'cotton' begins to clear, I'd expect some of his anxiety to bleed through as well

- page seven: constant reference to 'white dress'. After the first time, it really should just be dress. And it does leave me wondering why no one else's clothes get perpetually mentioned. 

 

[industrialistDragon]

catching some lbl-level little things near the beginning, but nothing big.

 

"they would come right back when the councilor’s work dissipated." They've been doing that the entire chapter. 

 

the main thing I noticed was a bit of inconsistency with the rate of decay in S's magical meds. They're there, then they start to deteriorate almost immediately, then they're practically gone, then they're back but maybe starting to go, then they're nearly gone again, then by the end they're definitely back but failing probably, with the implication that they're going to last for a while yet. It feels a little bit like maybe where old and new versions are meeting?

 

otherwise, still looking good to me. The protest kept it from being a slow chapter for me, and I don't mind an entertaining infodump.

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the feedback! Sounds like this is going in the right direction. I think I can make some minor edits for now and start on later chapters.