Robinski

Robinski - 170306 - TMM, Chapter 8 - 3878 words (LS-reference to body part)

13 posts in this topic

Hey everyone,

I'm pleased to bring you another chapter of TMM, Number 8, to be precise - and the longest submission yet.

For what it's worth, this chapter takes the page counter to a quarter of the way through.

Best, Robinski

 

Edited by Robinski
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Overall

I enjoyed it, but the interaction between Quirk and Moth wasn't all it could be, I thought. They have such amazing potential together and neither seemed to be at their best. I expected more sarcasm on both fronts, and with the way you introduced Quirk, I definitely expected him to meet some of Moth's quips with something about her lacking taste in clothes, or hair, or something. Shoes maybe? Anyway, I continue with high hopes!

As I go

That’s neither accurate nor funny. I'll take this. Yup. I want it to be accurate, of course, but this is an acceptable response. The comment about his own doubt is a little abstract. Suggest instead "It wasn't her spite that he hated, but her word choice. There were many, much more graceful words for like a man in tight pants." Or something akin. Let's see that Quirk flare!

- page six: that letter reads like science spam. I think I have something almost verbatim in my inbox right now. 

“How do they get any contemplation done with you in residence?”

She turned back and flipped him the finger.  <-  the previous interactions felt forced, I thought, and not too in-character. This one feels spot on

- page eleven: LOL at the union quip

- page twelve: Blocking confusion. Are there two androids now? Just the one still?

- page thirteen: becomes clear a page later, but might want to clean up the confusion. Also, I'm with Quirk. The resolution makes the tension fall flat

reached around front and cupped him, so does Quirk like men at all? I get that he is a professional, so doing this makes sense, but if he does like men, and after all of Moth's jabs, I'd think he'd have at least a moment of pause. I'm not a guy who likes guys, but I could tell you that I've had to pat down women before and you better believe I'd hesitate before cupping one. 

- page fifteen: wait, why was the not-plumber sent? I've fall off the train here. To check to see if Quirk is capable?

She was only saying it now because she could see it reached him. <-- this is perfect

- The Paulson thing is completely over my head right now

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So it seems I have similar comments to @kaisa, no surprise. Solid chapter. Things are beginning to progress, and this was mainly things that needed to happen. I'm guessing the offer from the firm is going to tie into the storyline with the doctor on the moon, so I'm looking forward to that.
Moth and Quirk's banter continue to shine, and that's really what's drawing the story along. I will agree with Kaisa again that you could probably punch Quirk's replies up a bit, or if not, show more that he's panicked and not able to quip as usual.

11 hours ago, kaisa said:

reached around front and cupped him, so does Quirk like men at all?

Hmmm. Maybe I've been reading this wrong. I've been assuming Quirk was Bi. Is that not the case?


pg 3: "it wasn’t her spite that he hated, but his own doubt."
--about what? the situation? her name? her calling him queer?

pg 3: "He thought she was going to yawn."
--might be overdoing it

pg 3: "The situation called for the random element."
--probably some WRS, but are they in immediate danger? They don't seem to be from the context. M&Q are just joking around.
--though I do like the banter.

pg 4: "I mean that suit? Please.”
“It’s a classic Merrion.”
--lol

pg 5: "Maybe I can get her to drool in a jar, then lock her up when I go out."
--Glad this made it in.

pg 7: "and that possessions should be stowed away."
--Should they be getting them out, once it stops? Or is it moving at high speed, like an airplane?

Pg 13, first paragraph: Not sure of the blocking here. Confused as to which android is doing what.
 Moth's android is the one that is holding the gun,
right?
--oh, got it. Moth's android is talking to the plumber's android and tell it
not to interfere. Took a couple readings.

pg 14: Uncle Toni sent us a hairy little bon voyage.”
--Why? If the plumber was just following them, then no need to pull a gun. It would be counter to Toni's interests to slow them off planet. Not sure why he did this.
 

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Hey, thanks for reading, Kaisa. I always brace myself just a little before reading your critiques, but I'm always happy afterward. The first reaction reminds me of getting my homework back, the second reaction, meh, not so much :lol: 

16 hours ago, kaisa said:

interaction between Quirk and Moth wasn't all it could be

Okay, I'm going to can-of-worms that, as Howard might say, on the basis that there's a long way to go, and I will have a close eye on character voice in Edit #2.

16 hours ago, kaisa said:

something about her lacking taste in clothes, or hair, or something

Hmm, that feels a bit like a cheap shot to me. Easy for a sophisticate to take take the rise out of a teenager's garb, but she's rebelling. Maybe him complementing her clothes would actually be more hurtful!!

16 hours ago, kaisa said:

That’s neither accurate nor funny. I'll take this. Yup.

Cool - that feels like a tiny bit of progress.

16 hours ago, kaisa said:

reads like science spam. I think I have something almost verbatim in my inbox

Lol, this is very much how I roll in my day job, so if I don't have it down now, I'm in trouble.

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

Blocking confusion. Are there two androids now?

There are two. The second one is Moth's, but its appearance is perhaps not well flagged. I've changed a little to emphasise that there are two. Thanks.

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

I'd think he'd have at least a moment of pause

Ok. My first reaction is that he's not intimidated by short, fat, Italian plumbers/hitmen, but I take your point. I suspect I'm going to spend most of Edit #1 searching for the right tone/balance in Quirk's outlook.

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

why was the not-plumber sent?

Essentially to wind Quirk up and scare him into action if there was any indication that he might be dragging his heals about getting Moth away. Pretty ham-fisted, but I'll see how the other reactions go.

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

The Paulson thing is completely over my head right now

I might need to tidy it up in retrospect, but I'll let it run for now before stepping into changes.

Really appreciate your comments, Kaisa. Thank you so much for reading. 

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Hey, thanks for reading, Man - much appreciated.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'm guessing the offer from the firm is going to tie into the storyline with the doctor on the moon, so I'm looking forward to that.

Phew, I'm pleased to hear you say that.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

you could probably punch Quirk's replies up a bit, or if not, show more that he's panicked and not able to quip as usual

Hmm, okay. One of you two on this point is pause of thought, but both is like a copper-bottomed certainty. I will recap those reactions.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I've been assuming Quirk was Bi. Is that not the case?

Heh - I've been assuming this too! But I need some kind of external corroboration. This said <spoilers>, so I'll need to get through this Edit #1 to see what the overview opinion is at the end. I just feel there is stuff that will attract criticism of tone and consistency, but we'll see.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but his own doubt."  --about what? the situation? her name? her calling him queer?

Yeah, I've tweaked this slightly.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but are they in immediate danger?

It's meant to be nervousness about Toni's warning of assassins - I might need to play up the threat, I guess.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Glad this made it in.

:) 

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Moth's android is the one that is holding the gun, right?

Yeah, I've tried to flag a bit better, but I suspect this will need a bit more work.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Not sure why he did this.

He was supposed to be warning them off by pretending to be an assassin. I need to ponder this. It's not story critical.

Thanks so much for reading, Mandamon. Really helpful, as always, for knowing where to put in more effort :) 

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"neither accurate nor funny" -- I actually don't have a problem with this line, because it comes off as really offhand to me.  I feel like somebody as sure of himself as quirk is wouldn't care what a 14-year-old  says about him overmuch.  At least, not out loud where she can hear it. ;)

 
The jump from the text of the letter back to description of the scenery without any sort of acknowledgement of the text of the letter felt very jarring to me. There should have been something. Maybe a "that looked promsing, but he'd deal with it later" or something. I dunno.
 
Re: the patdown -- seems odd to me that he'd make a point of noting grabbing the guy's crotch and zinging him about it without provocation. Q's clearly done patdowns before and the !plumber didn't seem like a specimen Q was really all that interested in. It feels... a bit out of place. I wonder if its necessary?  Q could zing !plumber on his overalls ('cause nobody looks good in overalls) or something else, seems like, without resorting to being crass in a convent.  
 
The end letter is a nice lead out to the next chapter, but it's an abrupt shift from slinging snark and sarcasm with moth. I feel like i'm missing a segue here and elsewhere with the other letter.
 
 Quirk does seem off his game in this one. Granted, he has just been thrown for a loop, but I feel like that would bring out his snark all the more, not leave him groping around for petty insults like he is through much of this.  
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Hey ID, thanks for reading - much appreciated.

5 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

without any sort of acknowledgement of the text of the letter felt very jarring to me

Yeah, fair comment. I've inserted something.

6 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

It feels... a bit out of place. I wonder if its necessary?

I felt like I needed a (reader) reaction there, but perhaps it doesn't sit with Quirk's personality. I'll weigh the balance of reactions.

6 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I feel like i'm missing a segue here

Again, I've inserted a line.

6 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

not leave him groping around for petty insults like he is through much of this

I've flagged this for pick-up in Edit #2 in terms of the through line of Quirk' tone.

Great comments, thank you!

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- Clearly Quirk does more about Moth's parents, so saying "Nothing" after his jab doesn't really feel convincing or fitting.

- It's a really small thing, but I really like "Famebook" as a FB substitute. 

- I really do like Quirk and Moth's back-and-forth.

- I am also excited by the group so far - Quirk, Moth and a robot. Really curious to see where this is going. 

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Thanks for reading, RD, much appreciated. I'm going to can-of-worms any knowledge or otherwise that Quirk may have about Moth's parents. It might crop up in another story. I think it's good that it comes over uncomfortable.

Glad you're still enjoying the back-and-forth, and still curious :) 

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Another fun read. I have no story level issues at the moment. I'll skip over the typos and just give you some LBLs.

p.62 Top of page. I'm not convinced Quirk's question is technically sarcasm or that he and Moth qualify as quipping here (suggesting a hyphen between out and quip, btw). Actually, I don't know I've ever seen Moth being witty (usually she's just rude or obscene) so I don't really feel her outrage about this. (Outrage about Quirk talking back to her at all, yes, but not about him being better at it than she.)

p.67 I love the Last Crusade quote. (I'm actually kind of surprised I'm the first to mention it)

- "...and eyeballed into his mail." get rid of "into" I think.

p.70 "Yes, they were made from synthetic...", you have two "buts" here, which confuses things; and "sturdy plastic and metal" is basically repeating "synthetic materials". I'd cut the part between "Yes," and "their design", but since I'm not sure what is actually the main point of the sentence that might not be the best option.

p.74 "He didn’t like them, because they got a person shot faster than if your first inclination was to run, but he actually was a fair shot." convoluted sentence construction. Consider reworking that second clause (i.e. "because they...")

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4 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I'm not convinced Quirk's question is technically sarcasm...

Great point - quite right, changed.

4 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I love the Last Crusade quote.

Ha-ha - glad you picked it, you may be the first; and that you liked it. Maybe if TMM was ever published I'd get sued - who knows. It's there cause I thought it was fun :)

4 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

"...and eyeballed into his mail." get rid of "into" I think.

It was supposed to indicate retina scanning to get into his mail, but I guess that didn't come across.

4 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

but since I'm not sure what is actually the main point of the sentence

...and that would be a problem! I've reworded the sentence, chopping it down a bit too - thanks. And I've edited that sentence of P74, much tidier now.

Great comments, Eagle, thank you for reading - much appreciated :) 

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6 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Ha-ha - glad you picked it, you may be the first; and that you liked it.

Totally forgot to mention that! I side-eyed it for a minute while reading, wondering if that's what you were doing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised...

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16 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I guess I shouldn't be surprised...

Lol - Is he really doing that? - I just love the it invokes the voice of Sean Connery.

I knew there must have been others who got it :) 

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