Robinski

Robinski - 170227 - TMM, Chapter 7 - 2911 words (L)

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Hey All,

Here is Chapter 7of TMM in which stuff happens. Super keen as ever to hear your reactions.

Hope you enjoy and really look forward to getting and all comments you see fit.

Cheers, Robinski

Edited by Robinski
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I like the carpet stains joke.

"Q. did not usually... in control." odd use of commas here.

"He looked... over, hard, but... unlikely" I think this would work better as 3 separate sentences: "...over. Hard. But that..."

"‘And’ it cannot wait?" I don't see how "and" indicates a link to the illness.

Unexpected twist, the guardianship deal is not where I saw this going. I am looking forward to Q. and M. interactions, those have the potential to be hilarious, gut-wrenching, or anything in between.

I don't feel we get enough of an explanation as to why T. picked Q. to take care of M., yes, there's some reasons on page 51, but they're a bit far from the rest, so they appear rather disconnected from the other end of the argument.

"two-point-eight six" add a hyphen between eight and six as well, I think. ... hold on, it went from 7,2 to 2,68? Is this supposed to be incentive?

Is M. gonna have to keep spitting on Q. or was the neuro-toxin a one-time thing? If the latter, it's sort of confusing: the moment M. deactivates the poison, doesn't her uncle lose leverage for the contract? If it is a "rinse and repeat" antidote, I think that needs to be specified. (Also, what would happen to Q. after the seven years are over?)

Is there a reason the guys in the hazmat suits are androids?

 

As usual, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

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First, glad to see the story is picking up already. I'm interested to see how Quirk and Moth get along/hate each other. Like Eagle says, not quite sure why Quirk was picked, but I guess he was in the neighborhood.

I was also confused on going from 7.8 to 2.86. Seems a big jump from 50 to 20 million. After all, Toni wants Quirk to take good care of his niece, and he's not going to be using the money, is he? Quirk could just chain up Moth, and swab some spit from her when he needs it.

Quirk's voice seemed a bit off in this chapter from the previous ones. He's under more stress obviously, but I don't think his personality comes through as well, especially in choice of words. Even when in a bad place, he's charming in the first few chapters. Here he sounds like more of a standard con/lowlife.

Pg 2: The comparisons to the fancy hotel don't really work for me. More, I'm just getting confused wondering which one you're referring to, and what this has to do with anything.

Pg 3: Lots of adverbs and modifiers in the first few paragraphs.

pg 3: "This breathing quickened"
--his?

pg 5: "Toni sighed the coughed"
--somthing missing

pg 8: "It’s coded into her saliva gland, absorbed through the dermis.”
--uhhhhh....this leads to a lot of unpleasant connotations. 

pg 12: "never sorry for bring that thing into the world."
--bringing

Pg 12: is the envelope at the end supposed to be the one from the dead drop?
Confused.

Pg 12: "Quirk smiled, rueful 2.0"
--had to read this a couple times to understand it. You only used this type of thing once before.

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Q’s total expenses is fifty million, five hundred and fifty thousand, not counting expenses. Just saying. When you start out a chapter with 000111, I can’t help calculating everything.

That being said, the third-person description used during Q segments sound like Q talking. The opening paragraph has a heavy dose of this. Also, this line. “The doctor saw to him, applying his doubtless years of medical training by smacking Toni di Fantano on the back.” –Doubtless years for smacking someone in the back? I know to do that from spending an afternoon learning the Heimlich Maneuver.

Also, neurotoxin? I’m not certain those can be absorbed through the skin (though inhaling kind of works) and even if they could, I’m not sure that saliva on skin can help (because saliva can’t be absorbed through the dermis, for the most part), and even if it could, the first time would need to be the only time, because once the poison’s been neutralized, it’s been neutralized, and using the terminology like ‘grade 5 neurotoxin’ makes me wonder why Toni can’t whip up an antidote for whatever he’s been poisoned with, and keeping in mind all this, Q is in horrible position once M hits 21 and leaves his custody. *exhale* So, maybe don’t use neurotoxin, but instead use a virus which requires a specific protein in M’s saliva to keep in check, and have a biological clock (something telomere based, maybe?) which kills the virus in seven years.

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All right, here I go again...

 

I dig the binary chapter numbers... even if i always read them backwards and forget the '1' digit. XD

 
What's with all the TM marks all over everything? Why is Autocab marked, but Park Hyatt not? The marks're really jarring to me, and, IRL, not necessary in text, even for existing properties. 
 
(besides which, Autocabs would probably be a service mark *AND* if I was a far-future space-attorney I'd totally sue for generic-ness of name (unless it's the physical object/car itself that's trademarked, and not the automatic driving service, in which case, if you were being pedantic, you'd want both TM/SM, and I'd still probably sue for the service mark at least (depending on the look of the vehicle) and it would be extra silly and extra distracting and probably not what you intend at all 'cause I've just written, like, a paragraph about two completely irrelevant superscript characters already) )
 
"were eight people ... ten now.  one in each corner ...." Okay so. Quirk, Toni, guide, doctor -- that's four. Which leaves 6 people to be "one in each corner" ...so the room is a hexagon? (not counting M, who is stated to be unnoticed until pointed out, but even counting her, that's still a pentagonal room...)

None of the mail program names got the mark, but the live wall did? I am confused. Is there a Jumping in the Middle Syndrome reason for what gets the trademark symbol and what doesn't that I'm just not getting? 
 
His name is an acronym? I love it!
 
sorry, it's a pet peeve -- one feels *nauseated*, not nauseous. Yes, I know it's one of those mostly-accepted shifted meanings things that ought to just be left to grammar trolls, but it still sounds wrong to me, and it's my feedback post and I'm going to say something so there! ;)
 
cLive, no mark. 
 
Monte Blanc, no mark.
 
Having the contract terminate on death of the girl kind of is an incentive for her to die, if one wanted to be rid of the contract's obligations.  Though, much as he's making a to-do, I feel kind of like Quirk might not mind having a kid around - or at least be curious about it.  Not that he'd admit it, never ever not-ever.  But I'm sure the far-future space-lawyers the mob employs have enough other sectiosn in there that Q didn't read to work around that... 
 
I don't think I have enough chapters under my belt to speak to the in-characterness of Q. I enjoyed the chapter -- i'm not sure i could NOT enjoy a chapter with quirk -- however, it did feel ... a little more rushed? than the previous one. Like, from a technique standpoint, the sentences felt more jumbled, and I caught more grammar issues and fast-typing slips (the ones where your fingers put in/leave out a word/s that spellchecks as okay, but reads as weird) than I did last chapter. 
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p.2/3

Red carpet like in a "carpet red from bloodstains"? I had to think about that for a while, though.

" This breathing quickened. " - his

There are several points here that I wonder if you didn't commit a comma splice, but I'm not certain.

p.4

I begin to wonder if G.'s scene from the last chapter was chronologically before Q. getting put into the taxi or not. I hope I find out soon.

Surprised to see M. here. I anticipated her meeting with T. but either I don't remember something or it happened off-screen.

p.5

"T. sighed the coughed" - then

p.6/7

I like the turn of events here. Might be interesting to see Q. babysit.

p.8

Poison no.2. Like it XD

p.11

I'm slightly confused here - will the poison Q. was applied work exactly 7 years?

p.12

Seeing M.'s attachment to T. here I wish I could've seen their reunion all the more.

Overall

A nice chapter with a solid promise. I don't have much to complain about, just as above.

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Hey Eagle, thanks for reading.

20 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

not where I saw this going. I am looking forward to Q. and M

Awesome, I could not have hoped for a better reaction :) 

20 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

why T. picked Q. to take care of M.

Good point - I can see this. I'll see how the others react then pick this up now rather than waiting, I think.

20 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

hold on, it went from 7,2 to 2,68?

Yeah, there's an issue there. Q. does a calculation based on his daily rate, but T. is basically saying, you don't get your full rate under this contract. I've flagged Q's maths by making it clear that he's applying his own rate, before T. makes what essentially is a counter offer.

On 27/02/2017 at 11:56 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

If it is a "rinse and repeat" antidote, I think that needs to be specified. (Also, what would happen to Q. after the seven years are over?)

It is rinse-and-repeat, so if that's not showing, I will need to clarify, which I will do. Lol - what will happen in 2106? Good question!! :) 

On 27/02/2017 at 11:56 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

Is there a reason the guys in the hazmat suits are androids?

No - that's a blooper on my part - although I suppose I could justify it as them not wanting to contaminate their clothes. I will tidy that up.

Thanks for the great comments, some super catches here, definitely better now. Really glad you're enjoying it :) 

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On 27/02/2017 at 6:52 PM, Mandamon said:

not quite sure why Quirk was picked, but I guess he was in the neighborhood

Yeah, it's a bit lame, but that is kind of what it amounts to, however there is a glaring (ok, maybe not glaring) inconsistency in this thread, which comes out later, so I've pretty much already decided to tweak this after Eagle's comments, and you've cemented that, thank you!

On 27/02/2017 at 6:52 PM, Mandamon said:

Quirk could just chain up Moth, and swab some spit from her when he needs it.

:lol: But yes, I've tweaked the money bit a bit, and will probably seek to strengthen it again in the next edit.

On 27/02/2017 at 6:52 PM, Mandamon said:

Here he sounds like more of a standard con/lowlife

I'll take a look at that in the edit - I've skimmed through and made some small dialogue changes.

On 27/02/2017 at 6:52 PM, Mandamon said:

You only used this type of thing once before.

I've actually recorded 4 previous instances in my glossary of Q's smiles.

Title

Description

Occurrences

Special, self-satisfied smile

For responding to sartorial compliments.

Page 11

Sunday smile

Reserved for old ladies and border guards.

Page 39

Simple Smile No.3

No agenda, just happy to see you.

Page 51

Prime Cut incredulous

(On hearing about Moth’s saliva gland implant).

Page 55

Rueful 2.0

(On leaving Toni’s office).

Page 59

Having said that, some are more clearly 'codified' than others. As with several aspects, I'm trying something. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

Really appreciate the comments, thank you so much for reading, Mandamon. Many thanks for the typos, and you've given me something to think about with the tone. This is prominent in my edit list for this version, and I'll admit I'm struggling between sophisticate and gumshoe in places, but I'm just so fond of some of the lines. I'll figure it out, but I know that you guys will challenge me to toe the line :) 

Thanks again! 

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19 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Q’s total expenses is fifty million, five hundred and fifty thousand, not counting expenses. Just saying. When you start out a chapter with 000111, I can’t help calculating everything.

Lol - yes, he was rounding / approximating, but I really appreciate the precision :) 

19 hours ago, aeromancer said:

Doubtless years for smacking someone in the back? I know to do that from spending an afternoon learning the Heimlich Maneuver.

Yeah, it's supposed to by ironic - which as you say places it very much in Q's voice.

19 hours ago, aeromancer said:

So, maybe don’t use neurotoxin, but instead use a virus which requires a specific protein in M’s saliva to keep in check, and have a biological clock (something telomere based, maybe?) which kills the virus in seven years.

Nice thoughts - I will admit to doing no research at all on neurotoxins, so these comments are helpful. I will can-of-worms that to deal with in Edit #2 - thank you!

Super comments, very much appreciated. The variation in what you guys pick up on is absolutely priceless. Really appreciate it.

:) 

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11 hours ago, Ernei said:

There are several points here that I wonder if you didn't commit a comma splice

I think probably I did. I'm trying to given them up, but I still slip up sometimes - thanks for the reminder!

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

I anticipated her meeting with T. but either I don't remember something or it happened off-screen.

Yeah, it was off screen. Although they probably had much to talk about, I felt that it was necessary to have Q make the discovery (or rather experience the reveal) of the contract relating to M, etc.

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

will the poison Q. was applied work exactly 7 years?

That's sort of an open question. You're right to ask, and it's not answered here - but it's a promise to the reader, sure enough!!

11 hours ago, Ernei said:

A nice chapter with a solid promise. I don't have much to complain about

That's super - I'm pleased. It's clear I have some fixes to do for clarity, and everyone's comments are so helpful with this. Thank you so much of reading and thanks for the typos.

:) 

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18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

What's with all the TM marks all over everything?

Yup, you got me. Some nice comments here. It's a deliberate affectation, but you quite rightly pick me up for consistency. I was trying to highlight certain things like Autocab and syRen; I certainly didn't research at this stage. Your comments about SM vs. TM will send me into research mode in Edit #2 for sure. Maybe this will drop out, as I haven't tagged all the real things that do have some kind of mark. We'll see. But thanks for challenging it. I'm not going to edit out in future posts at this stage, so bear with me :) 

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"were eight people ... ten now.  one in each corner ...." Okay so. Quirk, Toni, guide, doctor -- that's four. Which leaves 6 people to be "one in each corner"

Good call. I think I'm one over. T, M, Dr., Q and guide - so 5, plus a guard in each corner = 9 - Not a hexagon!!

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

one feels *nauseated*, not nauseous

Hmm, I don't feel that strongly about it but... Since you mention it, a quick check indicates that nauseated is a verb and nauseous an adjective. On that basis, Q would be nauseated by the toxin, but the toxin would make him feel nauseous. Because the internet's always right, obvs.

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

an incentive for her to die

But losing out on consequent payments; still, I take your point. As to him potentially being please to have the girl around, hmm... I thought he had protested enough on that score, but maybe he protested too much, we shall see...

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

far-future space-lawyers

:lol:  You're going to meet one of two of these - I fear you might be disappointed though - we'll see.

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

i'm not sure i could NOT enjoy a chapter with quirk -- however, it did feel ... a little more rushed

Aw, man, that's just really cool to hear; he's getting some good press (as is Moth), and it's just a great buzz and incentive for me to push on. Fair comment on the word-smithing. It's actually pretty much bang on the cut-off between the early chapters, which were largely material already submitted here in snippets, and therefore being one edit ahead, and the 'new' first draft stuff - so I'm not going to worry about that too much and just edit the p*nts of it at the next stage.

Great comments, thank you, Dragon - much appreciated. You've given me some good fixes and consistency points here that will really help tighten things up, I do believe.

:) 

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4 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Your comments about SM vs. TM will send me into research mode

lol, the interconnectivity of service marks, trademarks, patents and copyrights is fascinating.  Well, if you're me. Most sane people find it deathly dull and overly lawyerly. Basically and briefly: trademark protects logos, design, and "brand image" on things (shoes, watches, etc); service marks protect logos, design, and "brand image" for, well, services (cleaning your house, serving you a meal, delivering your packages, etc. I once did a little presentation on stuff like this using lol-speak and cat macros. Can haz inteelekshuu-al prop-purr-tee?). It's entirely possible to have a thing that's registered under both, as well as copyrighted, and potentially patented to boot. And that's just US law. Then you can get into the different ways different countries handle their logos &etc, and then how all those different guidelines mesh together... ;)

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Ha-ha, excellent. Maybe I'll just stick to making stuff up :rolleyes:

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Overall

The first four pages were rough, and I think could use additional development. The interactions between Quirk and Moth are gold and I became completely submerged. In fact, I was so engaged I wonder if we need to wait this long into the book to get here? It's a serious hook, and might work better earlier, especially if subbing. If you make it past query usually they request the first fifty pages, and we don't hit this interaction until past that.

I want more Quirk and Moth, together. Now. Darn this weekly sub thing.

 

As I go

- hrm. Page one, I think I expect a bit more exposition by Quirk about the lack of red carpet and the state of the ones he sees. He was so image focused early on that I expect that to carry through (and indeed, is one of the reasons I love him)

- page two: I suspect you want His breathing, not This breathing

- also with the artwork, expecting a bit more from Quirk

- I start to connect with the story around page four. Prior to this I really wasn't feeling Quirk, and the descriptions of everything seemed truncated.

- page six: Wait, so Quirk doesn't respond to being called Mr. Queer by a fourteen year old girl? I find that unlikely. At the very least, a flourished bow to mock her mockery

- page ten: read straight through to here. Delighted with the Moth and Quirk interplay

Despite resisting it, Quirk’s memories dragged him kicking and screaming to the last time he’d seen his wife, tearful, begging him not to leave her there, but not sorry – never sorry for bring that thing into the world

Huh? bringING that thing? As in, upset about a baby?

 

 

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- I like Quirk's response to someone touching his suit - especially in such a routine gesture.

- And I also love his rationale about the possibility of having children.

- Oooh, I really like the situation Quirk finds himself in, as an extremely well-paid babysitter. 

- I have no notes, save that I really really want to see what happens next. 

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7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hmm, I don't feel that strongly about it but... Since you mention it, a quick check indicates that nauseated is a verb and nauseous an adjective. On that basis, Q would be nauseated by the toxin, but the toxin would make him feel nauseous. Because the internet's always right, obvs.

I've sort of been working under the assumption that "nauseous" is an alternative spelling for "noxious", meaning it would apply to a substance instead of a person.

To use your example: "Q is nauseated by the toxin, so the toxin is nauseous."

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7 hours ago, kaisa said:

The first four pages were rough, and I think could use additional development.

Check.

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

It's a serious hook, and might work better earlier, especially if subbing. If you make it past query usually they request the first fifty pages, and we don't hit this interaction until past that.

Hmm, great advice. I'll need to think seriously about how I do that, but I take this very excellent point.

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

I want more Quirk and Moth, together. Now. Darn this weekly sub thing.

Yay! There's plenty more where that came from. 

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

also with the artwork, expecting a bit more from Quirk

Done - thanks.

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

Wait, so Quirk doesn't respond to being called Mr. Queer by a fourteen year old girl?

I feel he's pretty concentrated on Toni, and dismissive of the girl. Water off a duck's back.

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

Delighted with the Moth and Quirk interplay

:D 

7 hours ago, kaisa said:

Huh? bringING that thing? As in, upset about a baby?

This is something of a gamble. Basically, it's deep background, and may or may not even be answered in this book. Big old promise to the reader; I'll need to wait and see how the whole thing plays, and if anyone remembers it by the end!!

Super-pleased that you are being carried through pages at a time - it's so encouraging.

Grazie mille for reading! :) 

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6 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

I really really want to see what happens next.

The best note of all!   :) 

Thank you so much for reading, RD.

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16 hours ago, Robinski said:

Rueful 2.0

Noted. I think this one in particular threw me off because it had less connection to an expression. I had to read it twice before I realized it referred to the smile.

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9 hours ago, Robinski said:

I feel he's pretty concentrated on Toni, and dismissive of the girl. Water off a duck's back.

Right but, is Quirk queer? You've written him as hinting at bisexual, and while a straight person might let the slight pass, a queer person very much would not. There would be some type of reaction, even if just an internal cringe and decision to not make a fuss about it. This actually ties into our #ownvoices conversation over on one of my threads. It's cool to write people outside your lane (IMO), but you need to understand them to make their reactions realistic, otherwise the characters will offend readers in that lane, instead of bringing them in. 

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4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

because it had less connection to an expression

Gotcha, I'll watch out for that :) 

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17 minutes ago, kaisa said:

There would be some type of reaction

Yeah, fair comment, I've properly ducked that one here. I will insert a reaction, that was remiss of me. I think it's probably due to me being hesitant about when and how far to go into that, but the answer at the moment is not far enough to be convincing after some of these early references. I need to correct that.

In a similar vein, have you watched Torchwood?

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I volunteer as tribute to help with Quirk's reactions. At the beta stage here, bumbling around in these lane areas is to be expected, I think. 

I have not seen Torchwood. I've never even heard of it, but I also don't have a TV. Of course, if its coming recommended and is available digitally somehow, I will look it up!

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Dear god, Torchwood. I'm going to jump in here with a warning, @kaisa -- the premise is "everyone's bangable" based off a an amazing crazy character from Dr Who, however the treatment of "teh gay" will make you so, SO angry.  There is fridging (s3, but still. big ol' icebox, right up front and center), and a couple other lazy-writing tropes that made me so angry I had to stop watching it. I can count on half of one hand the number of times I've ended a show mid-season and not gone back to it. It also relies HEAVILY on the viewer having a background in Dr. Who, to give the main male protag any sort of character and to flesh out the surrounding universe. I love the bits of it that're good, but I hate the rest of it and without the Whovian background, much of the good is going to fall flat. 

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15 hours ago, kaisa said:

I volunteer as tribute to help with Quirk's reactions.

Accepted! :) My first attempt is this...

“Not a child, Mr. Queer.” The girl, Angelika (Yeah, right.), looked up from under dark brows, her eyes red and her cheeks damp, but she was angry now. So was he; how could she know about him when he didn’t know himself?"

...and this attempts to follow my first inclination which is, if I'm going to try and write the other here, I need to keep this first effort as close to my own experience as I can. To me, Quirk being in doubt is the way to do that, but I would value your thoughts on the matter.

p.s. - I've gone through all instances of the word queer and inserted a reaction at most (are not that many) so, in future submissions, I hope this will be better. I don't expect it to be there yet, and there are other instances of attempted otherness that I dare say also will be off in some way, but I feel like I've taken another step in the right direction. Thank you @kaisa

Edited by Robinski
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