20170206 - The Seeds of Dissolution - Ch3 - Mandamon - 4402

[Mandamon]

Hello all,
Here is chapter 3, half of which is from Origon's POV.

Previously:
Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole
Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien

Looking for:
-Does the worldbuilding work, is it too descriptive?
-Connection to the characters
-How is the arc of the chapter?
-Anything else you see

 

[rdpulfer]

- Really looking forward to reading this from Origon's perspective. I really like the character so I'm curious how he'll react to Sam.

- I know Sam is in shock, but I'd like to see him interject more into the conversation , if only to see Origon react.

- "I'm a psychologist," Rilian said. Origon grunted. He had just said that." - I love that note from Origon.

- I really like the first part of this section. It's really cool to see the world-building from someone who is used to that world, rather than someone like Sam, who is learning about it the first time. Plus I'm curious to see the Song's effect on Sam going forward.

- I was hoping the Song would have a more profound effect on Sam's personality, even if it was temporary. It seems like it just pushes the anxiety into the back of his mind which was . . . kind of anticlimatic to me. But maybe that's just me.

- Overall, I really like this pairing of characters and definitely want to see more. 

[Mandamon]

Thanks to @rdpulfer!

Anyone else?

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Ernei!

Yes, I had other comments about not seeing an arc in this chapter. I'll need to spruce it up with something.

Thanks for identifying the confusing and boring parts--that will help me a lot in editing this!

[Hobbit]

-Does the worldbuilding work, is it too descriptive?

I actually would have liked more description!  But more in the sense of little details as they're talking.  I'm feeling a little bit of the floating head syndrome during the conversation, even though you have nice descriptions later in the chapter.  I think the world sounds interesting.  I liked the bit at the beginning about how there's a glass floor under all the dirt.  It does make me wonder what all these buildings are made of - are they all glass?  What kind of resources do they have here?

I also realized at the end of the chapter that I never figured out what species Ri is.  I assume human, but that's because I'm human.

-Connection to the characters

I had a lot more of a connection to the characters in the first part than the second.  I feel a lot of sympathy for Sam, and not a lot for Ori, because he's kind of being a jerk.  That said, I do find Ori interesting and I'm prepared to like him more when he's not so stressed.  I enjoyed the conflict between the three of them at the beginning.

-How is the arc of the chapter?

I would have liked more tension.  I was invested before Ri gave Sam the telepathic meds, because they were all trying to solve problems.  However, the walk through the city lacked stakes.  I think I'd like to know what might happen to Sam if he loses his composure.  Is he afraid of embarrassing himself?  That the only people he knows in this place will just leave him for lost on the street?  What's driving him to even try to keep going?  I lost the sense of his goals.

-Anything else you see

In-line suggestions!

It was hard to guess at Methiemum expressions...
Later in the chapter, don't you say the Nether translates intent?

The boy—Sam—let his shoulders fall a little, opening up a little.
Not sure I understand Sam's reaction here. Why would he be opening up after they both are clearly not believing or understanding him?

“The same thing happened to you?”
Not sure why Sam is saying this now, rather than a few paragraphs up.

She hadn’t heard of that word either, so it wasn’t something the Nether translated incorrectly.
I just realized what the Nether is doing - translating.

Control it rather than let it control you.
I could believe his Aunt Martha would say this, but a psychologist, in my very limited experience, wouldn't put this in such stark "you versus it" terms. My therapist was always trying to get me to not talk in extremes.  And I can't imagine her ever telling me to try to "control" something.  I've only ever had one therapist, though.

Sam answered, then seemed to relent.
I'm still surprised he lets these people help him so easily. I assume most people who want to stay inside, and who are afraid of crowds, would generally not be very open to strangers poking around in their heads. It would seem that Sam generally wants to protect himself, and if he's already in fight or flight mode, this could be exacerbated. But it could be I'm misinterpreting his character.

the freshest maggots
Haha, nice.

Sam slowed, as something intruded into his fuzzy perception.
Are you talking about a thought here?

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Hobbit!

Yep, needs more tension. Unfortunately, Ori is kind of always a jerk, but he means well ;-)

I'm always afraid to put too much description in, because I get carried away! Good to know I can put some more in here.

Good comments on what the therapist would say. I'll try to take out extremes. Any other missteps you see like this please let me know! 

Had some other comments that Sam gives in too easily. I'll have to punch this up.

[Robinski]

On we go. I’m so glad I dived/dove back in.

• Love the epigraph – great questions and good answer. One quibble; grammatically, I don’t think ‘It is caused…’ is the appropriate response to a question posed as ‘why…’ Big game hunter – lol

• Quibbler No.2 – I don’t think the tracks are tear-stained, I think they are the tear stains. Just sounded off to me.

• “de’Eden” – syntax seems odd – no space, why the apostrophe?

• “There are some mathematical machines like what you speak of” – grammar, ‘that of which you speak’, or something more like that, I think. If it was Ori, I'd be like, whatever, but I expect better diction of Ril.

• “dealing with the fight and fight response” – this seems to be a redneck response.

• “Do you think you can come with us now?” – I ‘saw’ Ril look into Sam’s head, but did she actually do anything? I don’t think I saw that, so how is it any easier for him to leave? > Which then comes just after, but I wasn’t sure why she thought anything had changed just be her looking.

• “I wasn’t going to hurt him” – It wasn’t?

By necessity, there is a lot of new information flowing in this chapter, that’s okay. I think it does tend to slow things down a bit, but I enjoy it well enough. For a lot of the chapter, Ori’s pov feels very light, I almost feel like I am, or should be, in Sam’s, as he is the one making discoveries.

Good stuff.

<R>

p.s.

-Does the worldbuilding work, is it too descriptive? - Yes, I think it works; no, not too descriptive. There is a great deal to learn about the D'verse, and if you don't start labelling it out, it will take too long.
-Connection to the characters - I'm not the best judge, 'cause I'm already connected, but I think Or is spot on, the reveal of him enjoying teaching is very important; Rilan, clearly, is the caring one, but not slow to dish out some lip if it's deserved, spot on again; Sam is less frustrating so far than last time.
-How is the arc of the chapter? - There's forward motion. I get a bit frustrated sometime with the feeling in certain circles that there needs to be tension and plot from the first sentence. I think there is enough tension between Sam and these strangers, and the strange land he's in, to carry this chapter with only the barest scintilla of actual plot (I won't say anymore, since I know where it's all going  )

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Robinski!

Yeah--I'm really not liking "de'Eden" any more. I think it might only be mentioned once or twice anyway. I'll come up with a new last name. I wanted to tie into some of the dutch roots in Charleston. Maybe something like "de Veden" or "van Oen"

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

but I expect better diction of Ril.

Lol--I think this was an Ori line I gave to her.  Need to clean it up.

I definitely need to do something with this and Ch4, but I'm not sure what yet. Might come back to these once I have a for more chapters pinned down.