Robinski - 170206 - TMM, Chapter 3 - 2692 words (L)

[Robinski]

Hey,

 

So, I see there are four submission requests and it's Monday morning. I've got a full day, so I'm going to stick my neck out and submit.

 

This is Chapter 3 and the first appearance of M. Again, some of you may have seen this as bits and pieces, so apologies for the relatively recent repetition. And don't forget the language warning - it's M. I think there are more expletives than adverbs in this, although actually, I've taken one or two swears out.

 

Best, Robinski

Edited December 29, 2017 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Ah. Moth. I'm still a little stuck on how old she is. I would guess middle/late teens? Though she's still growing and hasn't passed the madre in height, so that makes me think early teens. Some hint would help settle it, but her personality still tends older.

The backstory is a little trite, I think. Sort of odd that it's a mob family, and sticking troublesome females in a convent is an option in 2099, considering I don't think it's one today. I would almost prefer some futuristic convent/prison hybrid if that's how Moth and her aunt are treated.

I'm noticing the difference in time between this and the last chapter. I assume this happens before, maybe even days before, as the folder wouldn't be sitting in the trash for a while before Moth picks it up. is there any reason why this comes after the Quirk chapter?

The style, as usual, is easy to read, and I'm definitely looking forward to more!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "Swedes"
--had to look this up.  Like a turnip/rutabega.

pg 4: "Moth gaped in surprise. Her mentor was crying. "
--Not sure which one of the sisters this is. Giulia? Unclear from the paragraph above.
--ok, you mention Giulia's her aunt a few sentences on. So probably yes, she's the mentor. Maybe better to state the relation first?

pg 5: "He didn’t even say ‘hello’"
--Lol

pg 6: "ask for a massage at 2pm today, on the dot"
--this seems..strange. Not related to a restaurant. Wouldn't a less suspicious code be something like "I don't like pickles?"

pg 7: the transition from aunt and mother dancing around to Moth's parents being killed seems overly black/white. I suspect Moth is unreliable, but I also don't believe she believes that.

pg 8: Android in a convent: cool

pg 11: "“Niceties aside, your case officer and I..."
This is odd coming right after the madre is telling her to relax. Seems like I'm missing a couple bits of conversation.
Also "you’re" -> "your"

pg 12: "I said I would ask..."
--Confused here. ask about what? What does this have to do with assuming an
heiress?

[rdpulfer]

- Moth is awesome.

- I love the line, "There has to be an easier way to be a gangster."

- I like the last exchange, but I was a little confused when she said "It might help if you let Him..." since she also said "It's an it", referring to the android. It's a great dialogue, it just needs a little clarifying.

- Overall, I really like these characters, and I'm excited to see where this is going. 

[kais]

Ah yes, Moth. I hope she is amazing as I remember.

Overall

I like Moth's character development, and of course I love her as a foul-mouthed fourteen year old. The chapter itself went a hair slow for me, after talking to the aunt and the walk to see La Madre. Both beats, the first and last, were excellent. It was the transition middle that lagged. 

Why is she placed in the convent? I'd like some explanation there. As @Mandamon says, it seems outdated for this time. If her aunt is there, perhaps its a simple family relations thing? 

I enjoyed the read, as always!

As I go

- The starting sentence is weak. I've read a number of agent blog posts where they caution against starting a chapter and character introduction with boredom. Apparently its overdone and hard to connect with.

- Moth sat back again and mopped her brow again <-- redundancy here

- page four: gagging... it's great imagery just... ick

- page 7: there has to be an easier way to be a gangster? The outlined plan seems pretty easy already.

- page 12: I think the 'him' being 'god' twist would work better if you didn't capitalize 'him'. I realize that is proper, but it sort of spoils the end a bit

[Robinski]

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I would almost prefer some futuristic convent/prison hybrid if that's how Moth and her aunt are treated.

Great comments, thank you. Some testers to this about there - especially this one! I will need to ruminate.

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "ask for a massage at 2pm today, on the dot"
--this seems..strange. Not related to a restaurant. Wouldn't a less suspicious code be something like "I don'

Yeah, the massage thing never sat well with me, good point, and there's an opportunity for a joke there which I didn't take. I will revise this bit.

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I suspect Moth is unreliable, but I also don't believe she believes that.

Err, cool? I think? I hadn't considered this myself, but it does open a door, potentially. Hmm...

Thank you so much for reading, much appreciated, some good points to mull over here, and typos corrected  

[Robinski]

8 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

I was a little confused when she said "It might help if you let Him..." since she also said "It's an it", referring to the android. It's a great dialogue, it just needs a little clarifying.

Hey RD, thanks for reading. Yeah, I've tidied this bit up somewhat. The gag which doesn't seem to land is Moth thinking la Madre is calling the android 'him', but la Madre is talking about God. I've tried to smoothen the language out.

So pleased you're enjoying it. I'm bursting to explain where it's going, but that would be wrong. I feel nervous about a key scene / event coming up, and whether it will work. But, on the other hand, that just confirms to me that I definitely need you guy's eyes on it  

Thanks again!

[Robinski]

5 hours ago, kaisa said:

Why is she placed in the convent?

Yeah - I see this is not working and will need to tidying it up / explain better. It was a throw-away detail from the character sketches that's become enmeshed and now doesn't sit well. I'll consider it.

5 hours ago, kaisa said:

The starting sentence is weak. I've read a number of agent blog posts where they caution against starting a chapter and character introduction with boredom

Great tip - I didn't think of it as boredom, or certainly laced with equal amounts of frustration and anger, but I'll review this.

5 hours ago, kaisa said:

I think the 'him' being 'god' twist would work better if you didn't capitalize 'him'. I realize that is proper, but it sort of spoils the end a bit

Yeah - I've editing this already after RDP's comment; I'll try it without the caps and see how it works in Edit 2.

Thanks Kaisa, great comments as ever, much appreciated  

[Hobbit]

This chapter was fun.  I have to say, I'm definitely more interested in watching Moth try to shrug her new Android therapist than I am in whether or not she'll be successful at the Toni's task.

I think I would be more invested in the situation with the mob and her aunt if I had just a little bit more background.  Since I don't know a lot about it right now, it ends up feeling a little generic.  Mob boss threatening people, killing people, manipulating people, etc.  I also wish I knew a little more about why Giulia lets Moth take over her task without much arguing.  It seems strange that a grown woman would let a 14-year-old take over something so important, especially one who (so far) has shown a complete lack of responsibility or care for the welfare of anyone else.

One small point - if these androids are so expensive, how come this convent has one to spare on some random orphan?  And what if Moth tries to physically destroy it?

Otherwise it was a fun read! Moth is very engaging and I'm excited to follow her wherever she goes.  

Also, great last line.

[Robinski]

Hey Hobbit, thanks so much for reading.

9 hours ago, Hobbit said:

I would be more invested in the situation with the mob and her aunt if I had just a little bit more background.

Good point. I'll consider how to insert a bit more. I think you're right, it would help.

9 hours ago, Hobbit said:

I also wish I knew a little more about why Giulia lets Moth take over her task without much arguing.

Fair comment, and I think this is somewhat wrapped up in the first point above. I shall ponder this in Edit 2.

9 hours ago, Hobbit said:

if these androids are so expensive, how come this convent has one to spare on some random orphan?

Ah-ha, I'm glad you asked that...  

9 hours ago, Hobbit said:

I'm excited to follow her wherever she goes.

Awesome! And glad you liked the last line. It didn't seem to land with all that many people )worth commenting, anyway).

[Robinski]

6 hours ago, Ernei said:

Actually, nuns don't only were black - light grey or even white are common colors in summer and hot climate. Plus, I doubt that they would give Moth a habit, unless she wanted to become a nun herself.

The first bit I did know, but stuck with the black for simplicity and general effect. The second bit, I kind of suspected, but I am really grateful for your confirmation (sorry, I think I that might be a Catholic pun ). One of two others have quite rightly called out some doubts about M's situation, why she is in the convent, etc. I think I might add some background to this, but I need to research a little what her status might be. Thanks!

6 hours ago, Ernei said:

either way my antipathy for Moth is back. Thinking that somebody's tears might be fun is straight-up cruel, no matter what age you are

Yeah, the thing is, I don't think this actually is in character for M, so I'm 90% going to take it out in Edit 2. She's angry, spiteful, frustrated and unpredictable, but towards her own aunt, this isn't the right emotion. She will react here, but not like this.

7 hours ago, Ernei said:

I guess it's not in chronological order, though?

There is a time check. Chapters 2 and 3 overlap somewhere, but M. need longer to go through these scenes then get into town.

Thanks for the typos, fixed now. I'm so glad you are enjoying the android(s), I don't think they/it are/is anyone else's favourite character. You may be pleased to know that there are androids throughout, and they play a significant role in the story.

Please, please, please tell me that 'adorable;' wasn't a typo, but if it was, I don't care - you should patent that, what a glorious word! (I've never heard it before).

Thanks so much for reading, I really needed your perspective on M - really helpful.

<R>

[kais]

2 minutes ago, Ernei said:

Is there a way to delete old threads, you know, just in case?

There is not. I have to have @Silk delete my threads so that people don't search for my book and end up here, seeing all the stuff that didn't work. Heh.

[Robinski]

2 minutes ago, Ernei said:

should I use shortcuts when referring to characters of your story?

Don't worry about it, not necessary for my story, I think. I am trying to train myself to do it all the time, so I don't have to think about it. The handy thing is, Quirk and Moth are 'real' words of course, so G**gling them would probably be pretty much useless, unless one searched for "Quirk and Moth" which might throw this up..., oh, darn 

 

[king007]

Hey, this is me continuing the ride. Here are my thoughts as I was reading.

p.3:

“Every yard she had to move it forward then pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move bucket; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move bucket; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move the storming bucket. storm! »
Although I found the punchline at the end quite funny, reading those short verbs over and over again was tiring. I already knew what you were getting after reading the repetition for about the third time, you had already started making your point by that time. But nice touch nonetheless, it was funny :)

« She re-tucked the habit, sure that nuns only wore black because it was slimming, and was bending forward again when a flash of white caught her eye. »
I’m not sure if the underlined sentence really fits here. The comedy in it seems a little forced and brusque. Perhaps if you would change its place, or give it full attention rather than putting it in the middle of two sentences.

p.4:

“Moth gaped in surprise. Her mentor was crying. Her open mouth closed, her lips moving into a sly smirk.”
I read this over and over again till I figured out you were talking about Moth and not about the mentor.

“Moth made her way inside and through the cool dimness of the convent to the stairs.”
The underlined part made it difficult for me to grasp the meaning. “Moth made to the stairs” is the shortest version. The sentence makes sense by using “made” and “to” together, but when one separates them this much, one could lose the meaning or forget how they started the sentence and have to look back.

“It was all Moth could do not to bang on the old, plain wood, but would attract attention, so she tapped, four times.”
I had trouble with this one as well. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m not native or because it’s genuinely confusing.

p.5:

‘ “Toni was here,” was all that Giulia said.’
I’d argue that the underlined part is unneeded and actually ruins the tone of finality with which Giulia spoke. Since we’re reading a dialogue, we already know it’s all what she said because her speech ended there. Not only that, but this could be confusing since she continues speaking afterwards.

p.6:

I’m wondering why did Moth think she would have fun upon seeing her aunt crying. She seems to care about her.

p.8:

“but the terrible thing about memories was, no matter how horribly they hurt, she would have killed anyone who tried to take them from her. Forget all the stupid chores and rituals, her memories were her penance, her pain and her treasure.”
Got surprisingly too deep there for a second. I wasn’t aware Moth carried this much pain in her, and I’m not sure this was the right time to introduce me to the whole lot of it. I wasn’t ready.

‘ “Someone,” Moth mumbled. “You have to be a someone to send someone else.” ‘
I realize you’re talking about the bot, but the way you phrased it, you could also be talking about La Madre Superiora.

p.9:

Whenever I read “habit”, I had to make the conscious effort of understanding it as a monk dress and not as a tendency or usual practice. Maybe it’s because this is the first time I encounter its other meaning, but it would have made reading easier if it was written as robe or garb. The same thing with “tissue” actually, I wasn’t always sure what you referred to. Was it a paper tissue or an actual cell tissue, especially when you described fluids and what not?

p.12:

“I said I would ask, storming Eight-ball.”
hahaha lol

“Starting tomorrow morning, Angelika. Try to listen, to hear what He says. It might help if you let Him help you.”
I’m not sold on the capitalization of “he” and “him” as a clue that she was talking about God. It’s not evident at all, especially when she hadn’t mentioned him until now, using a pronoun nonetheless.

 

Overall, I quite liked this chapter. I like Moth and I find her hilarious. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapters, and seeing how this story is going to evolve. That said, I can’t help but say that I had to look up the dictionary for a lot of words. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad one, or if it’s just my vocabulary to blame. But I sure did learn a whole new set of words

[Robinski]

21 hours ago, king007 said:

Hey, this is me continuing the ride.

Awesome! I'm excited to get your comments - another perspective is always valuable.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

reading those short verbs over and over again was tiring

Yeah - it's word count after the first bit, isn't it? I'll almost certainly cut some.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

The comedy in it seems a little forced and brusque

Hmm, well that is how Moth is, but I'll try your suggestion and see what I think  

21 hours ago, king007 said:

I figured out you were talking about Moth and not about the mentor

Good point - I'm changing it a little so that 'Moth closed her mouth.'

21 hours ago, king007 said:

Moth made to the stairs

Moth made for the stairs if anything, I think. But you make a fair point. I think I'll save this one for the next edit.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

or because it’s genuinely confusing.

It's certainly a bit wordy, and there's a word missing 'that would attract attention'

21 hours ago, king007 said:

was all that Giulia said

Yes, I'll buy that. I actually took the tag away completely.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

would have fun upon seeing her aunt crying

This line attracted several comments. I'm still going to leave it until the next edit. It's supposed to shock, but... hmm. It might be a bit too harsh.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

I’m not sure this was the right time to introduce me to the whole lot of it. I wasn’t ready.

Hmm, I'll think on that.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

Was it a paper tissue

Yeah, paper tissue, and I note what you say about habit, but I'm going to go with the majority on that one - I don't think anyone else had a difficulty with it. I take your point about it being the first time you've heard the word though.

Ha-ha. The pronoun thing. I started with no capital letters and changed it after another comment on the forum. I'm not sure now. I liked the original with no capitals. I'll see how I feel on the edit.

21 hours ago, king007 said:

I had to look up the dictionary for a lot of words

I'm gonna say 'good thing'!!  I'm glad you somewhat enjoyed this one, but especially that you're liking Moth. That's great. Really looking forward to future comments, if you get the time!

Best, R