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Reading Excuses - 11.14.16 - Choose - EthanBassett - 3959 Words [V]


EthanBassett

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This is a short story I originally wrote my freshmen year of high school. I thought I would never see it again till I found it in a folder I call “Where Ideas Go to Die.” I needed a break from my normal writing so I gave it a rewrite. 

I’m not looking for anything, in particular, this time around, so any input is appreciated.

For those of you who are super into grammar and spelling, I truly am sorry.

I know this takes time to read and critique so thank you all.

 

May the Gods not smite you, 

-E.C. Bassett  

Choose.docx

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Overall thoughts: The dialogue is weak, and could use a fair amount of work. Your descriptions are excellent, though.

Story: I’m … not quite sure what happens in the middle. At the end, the protagonist must make a choice of sorts, her life or four others. The beginning is fine too. The middle is where you mesh physical science with religion, and I lost track of things. The weird drug-haze thing going on, then it switches.

If you wanted to work this further, I’d recommend having the drug induce some form of a precognitive dream (with her remembering the choice, but not the reason), so the choice is clearly one to still make.

Also, one final point of creepiness is that most people who take the pill survive, apparently. Meaning they choose themselves. That’s a bit dark, I’m not sure if you were going for that.

(What does the number means?)

Edited by aeromancer
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Overall

The piece starts off with a decent hook and holds tension well, however I don't understand the ending. I agree with @aeromancer about the dialogue and the descriptions. Overall, it was an interesting read!

As I go

- not the strongest starting sentence, but not horrible, either

- the causation? This doesn't make sense

- the sentence structure on page one is difficult to read

- some tense changes on page two

- page four: she can get an experimental drug at a pharmacy???

- end of page five: need a better transition from swallowing the pill and the crash. I got very confused

- getting lost on page ten. Blocking needs work here

- the dialogue is... sort of trite. 

- I don't understand the ending. What is she supposed to chose?

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14 hours ago, kaisa said:

- some tense changes on page two

 

 

I originally wrote the whole thing in the present tense but it sounded off so I changed it to the past. I guess I missed a little. 

As for the rest of what you said, I cut out a large portion of the story because I felt it was too lengthy for what I was trying to accomplish. I tried to sew it back up but I can tell there are some holes. 

There is something bigger with what I'm trying to say in the ending, and I'm finding it hard to balance. I don't want to spoon-feed the reader my message but I'm not sure how much information is enough information. 

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Similar thoughts to the others, so I won't repeat.

I think the bulk of the story is still too long to get to the point, which is the choice. If you want to keep working with this story to make it stronger, I'd put more emphasis on figuring out what you want to do with it. You say you have something bigger to say in the ending, but I don't think it comes across yet. I was a little surprised that was the end, and was looking for more input from the character on what she would choose and why. It would be different for everyone, so we need more information on the character to tell.

That Charlotte has cancer actually has little to do with the story. She just as easily could have been given the pill as an experiment to correct her eyesight, or a birth defect, or something else. You might want to look at what making this choice means for her and then weave that back through the story.

Hope this helps!

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- "She knew all too well 'better' was only the difference between dead and dying." - I love this line. I'd add some quotes to the word, but that's just me.

- "...she preferred having" - I know what you meant, but I think this line could be sharper.

- Why would she go to Doctor Golan instead of phoning 911 during a medical emergency? At first I thought this was a byproduct of the pills, but in retrospect, the entire sequence is irrational.

- The ending is a swerve-ball. You meant to think something is going to happen with this experimental medication, and instead, follows her experiences in the afterlife. I don't think it's a bad twist ending, but I think it needs a little work - you made promises in the beginning in the set-up, and these promises are left completely by the wayside in the end. Maybe if the beginning and ending felt more linked, and the ending felt more foreshadowed.

- I also think we need to know what she chooses. 

I hope this helps.

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2 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

Why would she go to Doctor Golan instead of phoning 911 during a medical emergency? At first I thought this was a byproduct of the pills, but in retrospect, the entire sequence is irrational.

 

It's a byproduct of the drugs, but you're right. 

I don't intend for this to stand alone. I've been thinking about it, and I want to write more about this world so there will be some unanswered questions.  

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This is a great story. It could use some polishing, but there are some powerful elements in there, especially for something that was originally written in high school.
There are a number of unresolved questions, but that is kind of the point in this type of story, isn't it? It gives off a slight "David Lynch"-vibe.

She knew all too well that better was only the difference between dead and dying.
This is such an awesome line. I agree with rdpulfer, though, that you should put better between quotes; as it is, it makes the sentence somewhat harder to read.

On the downside, on several occasions you use wrong words for things, like you picked them from a thesaurus.
For example on page 1:

  • causation: just use "reason"
  • patrons: "guests", since she isn't offering services in her apartment

and on page 9 (because this one really bothered me)

  • albeit: "except" or "besides" or "but"...

I also suggest you do a thorough punctuation revision. There are a number of dependent clauses that would be better between em dashes than commas IMO.

As a final thought, while I can't offer advice on doing further stories in this setting (since I don't really know anything about the setting), I counsel against continuing this particular story, I have a feeling it works much better as a standalone short story than as a chapter in a novel(-ette, -la).
edit: this is just my opinion based on this single chapter, for all I know, continuing Charlotte's story could be more incredible than I can even imagine.

Edited by Eagle of the Forest Path
reconsideration of a point
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Hey Ethan!

Hm, your viewpoint character focuses a lot on the current presence of her surroundings. I wouldn't say the description is thick, but I did notice that it goes on for several sentences after I already have a sense for what's going on.

Is there a term for a scene that inspires more pity than empathy? The first couple pages of the story involves a conversation that is interrupted after one line with an overview of the situation. The time it took to read through the overview felt much longer than the pause in the conversation would've been. It kind of broke my tempo. The same happens nearly every time there's another overview, whether it be about family or the main character's personal life.

Let's see. These are strong descriptions, but I think the problem is that there's a lot of focus but not as much payoff. You show these detailed moments of sights, sounds, and smells, which are wonderful, but it leads vague thoughts or unrelated conclusions.

I feel like a newly approved drug would be found in the hospital pharmacy. The location of the pharmacy doesn't seem like a big impact, so picking up the pills might work better near the end of the previous scene.

Pace picked up really well when she was rushing around in a panic. The process of winding down that tension didn't land for me, not as much, but it was fine.

Story did a good job of staying rather unexpected. I have no idea what's going on, but I'd be fine with knowing more.

Overall, I think this story would benefit most from condensing. More action and interaction than knowledge.

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  • 2 months later...

Catching up, Take 3. Apologies for long delay. I blame NaNoWriMo, my daughter getting engaged, Christmas and 2017, yes, all of it.

Anyway, I hope there are some comments here that are useful.

  • Usual catalogue of typos and grammar stuff in a draft, but I’m going to glide over those and concentrate on more constructive stuff. It’s a very negative vibe at the start of the story, understandably, but some might stop reading early on if they don’t see the promise of some kind of turn-around. I like some aspects of Charlotte’s perspective, whereas others seem rather pat and familiar, the doctor’s manner, her own anger. It’s not that these observations and touches aren’t good, just that many of these story notes/vibes are expected. Not saying it’s wrong, I guess I’m trying to say there is a real absence of ‘wow’ in the early parts.
  • Then a thought came instantly into her head-” – Okay, I’ll stop for this. Using the word ‘instantly’ makes the thought less instant, I have to read the word before I get to the thought, so it slows me down. Drop ‘instantly’ and the thought is the next thing that happens, which is about as instant as you can get. The same applies to ‘suddenly’, ‘immediately’ and ‘quickly’. There are times for these, but it’s much better to show, not tell, imho.
  • I skipped a couple of paragraphs describing the drawer. For me personally, it was more detail than I wanted in a short.
  • I don’t understand why she’s looking at all the pills. I’m guessing that she thinks one of them was a rogue and was something else that caused her reaction, but it’s not really clear.
  • A thought occurred to her so suddenly and with such clarity it was as if someone had spoken it to her.” – By comparison with my comment above, I have no issue with this line, because there isn’t the same immediacy in this passage, I think.
  • She left everything albeit apart from her keys which she snagged
  • Charlotte could see the bridge slowly receding moving away” – The bridge isn’t moving, I presume.
  • And…. She’s dead, but not, sort of. I find myself, on the last page, with a feeling that the ending is a bit confusing. What did the pills have to do with anything? And the choice itself doesn’t feel difficult at all. If she chooses to live (I presume that’s the choice) she saves 5 people, so it’s easy. I didn’t feel that she would make any other choice, because she seemed to have come to an acceptance of her condition.
  • I’m not entirely sure I know what I’m left with. I don’t particularly feel like I’ve been entertained, and I’m not really satisfied after finishing. I never felt that I identified with the character, or even liked her. I guess I felt sorry for her, but clearly that’s not the same thing. I didn’t dislike her, I just felt ambivalent.

 

 (p.s. - Hah, this is weird, I see you just resubmitted this. I look forward to reading the new version when I eventually catch up with it :) )

Edited by Robinski
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