Elenion Posted May 23, 2018 Report Share Posted May 23, 2018 One time, I was at a party. It was getting late, and I realized that I had lost my watch. As I am accustomed to doing when I'm missing something, so I went looking for it. Eventually I spotted it on the ground, mostly concealed under some guy's shoe. I walked up to ask him to lift up his foot so I could get my watch, but as I did so I realized two things about him: 1): He was absolutely wasted drunk, and 2): he was harassing this young woman. So I punched him in the jaw. Nobody does that to a woman: not on my watch! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gancho Libre Posted May 23, 2018 Report Share Posted May 23, 2018 wow. that was...... Spoiler AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! can I quote you on that? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elenion Posted May 24, 2018 Report Share Posted May 24, 2018 15 hours ago, Gancho Libre said: wow. that was...... Reveal hidden contents AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! can I quote you on that? Sure. It's actually not mine; I stole it off of some guy in a Facebook comment section. And they say nothing good ever comes from the comment sections... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jehoiada Posted May 28, 2018 Report Share Posted May 28, 2018 (edited) When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. Quote A PARENT!!!! Oh I kill myself sometimes *knee slap* Edited May 28, 2018 by Jehoiada 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caesura Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archer Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 (edited) Not a pun, but it fit with the theme Certain people have been making rather malicious remarks about my early retirement from the courtroom. But I don't like to judge. What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted. I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer, hoping they could tell me if I'd be able to sue the airline. He replied, "You don't have much of a case." Have you heard the joke with no punchline? Sources: the Internet Edited June 4, 2018 by Archer 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showman Posted June 6, 2018 Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 I What did Obi-Wan tell Luke at the dinner table? You must use the fork! Did you know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in the jeans. Which birds hang out by the ceiling? The Raftors. A man walked into a bar. There were a bunch of steaks hanging down from the ceiling. He asked the bartender what they were for and he said that if he could grab one, he could have free drinks all night. The man thought about it for a second, but said, "Nah, the steaks are too high." 3 men walked into a bar. You think one of them should have seen it. C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else and is a natural. Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. I LOOOOOVE PUNS!!!!! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Budgie Posted June 10, 2018 Report Share Posted June 10, 2018 On 6/6/2018 at 9:11 PM, Showman said: C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else and is a natural. Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. Dude! I've heard the first part of this one, but those are some great extensions to it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunbird Posted June 14, 2018 Report Share Posted June 14, 2018 Saw this punny sign while I was out today. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KalaDANG Posted June 22, 2018 Report Share Posted June 22, 2018 I'm a big fan of whiteboards, I find them quite... Remarkable. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zath Posted June 29, 2018 Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) Captain Bob was hunting the seas for the infamous pirate ship, the "Line". Bob's own ship was unusual; instead of canon balls, it launched grappling hooks, which could penetrate a ship's hull and then tear it apart when retracted. Eventually, Captain Bob found the pirate ship "Line" and rallied his crew for the impending battle: "Listen well, men! These pirates have terrorized innocents along the coast for several months! Their ship was the one that sunk that passenger vessel just last week! I think I speak for all of us when I say..." Captain Bob turned to point dramatically at the pirate ship (which was now within range) and cried,"She'll fall for it! Hook Line and sink her!" Edited June 29, 2018 by Zath 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotarySojac Posted July 4, 2018 Report Share Posted July 4, 2018 Geologists are great. I can't find fault with them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgereader Posted July 10, 2018 Report Share Posted July 10, 2018 A man and his wife were walking down the street one day in the Soviet Union. It was either raining or snowing, and the two were debating over which it was. The man said it was rain, while his wife insisted it was snow. They saw a soldier standing at the corner and decided to ask him. The soldier, whose name was Rudolph, replied that it was raining. As the man and his wife walked away, the wife said that she still thought it was snowing. The man replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." (It's a little out of season and I did get it from the Internet) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Borio Singaldi Posted September 11, 2018 Report Share Posted September 11, 2018 (edited) Read to me by my dad, and then found online: Breaking news: The Pillsbury Doughboy passed away today from a yeast infection. He was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebs turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, and the Hostess Twinkies. His coffin was piled high with flours. He rose quickly in show biz, but his later life was full of turnovers. He was definitely a smart cookie, yet wasted so much of his dough on half-baked schemes. He wasn't the greatest roll model, but we never really knew how much we kneaded him. He is survived by his wife Play Dough and his children: John Dough, Jane Dough, Dosey Dough, and one more they still have in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. ... I don't know about you all, but this much-kneaded obituary always gets a rise out of me. Edited September 14, 2018 by Firerusteze 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeneralHZRD Posted September 11, 2018 Report Share Posted September 11, 2018 my friend sent me this a while ago, I knew a shepherd once. He stole a lamb-orghini...what a crook! His family even said he was the black sheep in the family. He's on the lamb now, but the police told everyone, "If the baaaaad guy comes past-ure house, ewe better call us right away - wool be there for you!" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ink Posted September 12, 2018 Report Share Posted September 12, 2018 (edited) Driving in the car, I almost had a nervous brakedown. Luckly, I got past it wheel quick. I've decided to stick to using automatic transmission, because manual drives me up the wall. One time, I was so frustrated, I piston the road. (Sorry that last one was a bit crude) I had a dream I was a muffler. When I woke up, I was exhausted. I have some gouda cheese puns. You can't dis A Brie. There is no way you can do cheddar. I'm an all american grate guy. My friend told me to stop quoting "I'm a beliver" and I thought she was kidding. Then I saw her face. Edited September 13, 2018 by Inklingspren Another one. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truthweaver Posted September 30, 2018 Report Share Posted September 30, 2018 This actually happened today: Me: "Chocolate milk doesn't agree with me." Dad: "Aw, what were you arguing about?" 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Doomstick Posted October 2, 2018 Report Share Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) Rand, think outside the box! Edited October 2, 2018 by I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truthweaver Posted October 5, 2018 Report Share Posted October 5, 2018 What do you call it when someone writes a long, angry complaint about a diner? A restau-rant. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunbird Posted October 8, 2018 Report Share Posted October 8, 2018 Saw this one on a sign the other day: Why don't angry witches ride on their broomsticks to get around? Because they don't want to fly off the handle! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truthweaver Posted October 8, 2018 Report Share Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) I've got another one. A captain and crew were piloting a state-of-the-art submarine that was so advanced it was nearly self-aware. As they were steering it through the depths of the ocean, an enormous whale suddenly rose up in front of them. Without any assistance from the captain, the submarine executed a precise maneuver that took them out of the whale's path, saving the lives of both the crew and the sea creature. The first mate was astounded. "That was amazing!" he cried. "I never knew this submarine could do such a thing!" "Oh, I wasn't worried," the captain said, smiling proudly. "It knew what to do in its subconscious." (I'm sorry) Edited October 8, 2018 by Truthweaver Wording 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Straight_Outta_Arrakis Posted October 10, 2018 Report Share Posted October 10, 2018 (edited) Give up carbs? Over my bread body. Edited October 10, 2018 by Straight_Outta_Arrakis 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunbird Posted October 15, 2018 Report Share Posted October 15, 2018 I can't take the credit for coming up with this joke, but I did put it in visual form. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truthweaver Posted October 16, 2018 Report Share Posted October 16, 2018 What do you call it when sodium hits chloride? A salt. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunbird Posted October 22, 2018 Report Share Posted October 22, 2018 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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