Blainejstephenson Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) Hey all! So it's my furst submission! I'm looking forward to seeing what you think, and, if I did anything wrong submission-wise, let me know here as well! ( P.S, my submission is 2314 words long. Forgot that in the title, oops Blainejstephenson Edited October 3, 2016 by Blainejstephenson 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbit Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) Hello Blaine! Welcome to the group! I really liked your submission. It was exciting to read, and overall really well done. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more about Ben's situation and what it has to do with super scary bone-knife-monsters! Great job establishing lots of conflict right off the bat and giving us mysteries to wonder about! I'm relatively new here, so other, more experienced folk might have more to say, but my critiques are all small-level stuff. The only thing that nudged me out of the story as I was reading is that some of your sentences are a little clunky; the phrasing or word choice (or something) didn't feel natural to me, and I had to re-read the sentence to get it straight. Most of your writing is smooth enough for me to read quickly, so when I hit a clunky bit, it stood out more. Here are some of the sentences that made me pause: It was a good thing we were so quiet today; just where the cameras range ended, a man was standing there, quiet, hard to pick out of the changing parade of faces that usually passed by this hallway. (- There are just so many different things going on in this sentence that I had a hard time following it.) I wasted precious time tugging on the blade, and it threw me way off when it didn’t come away from him in my hand. ...his arm seeming more fine than broken in three places. The other thing I'll mention is that around the top of page 3, I started getting a little bit annoyed that I didn't know more about Ben's situation. It wasn't a large annoyance, just a little one. I was still interested enough to keep reading though. It might not be anything you want to change - I'm just giving you my reader reaction. Overall, this was really enjoyable and I'm excited to read the next bit! Great first submission! ETA: About submission format, other people can speak to this more than me (again), but I'll be curious to hear if some people prefer to get your submission in an attached word document. I view all the submissions in google docs anyway, so it didn't make a difference for me. And lastly, your submission definitely counts as having violence! Yay fight scenes! Edited October 4, 2016 by Hobbit 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 Welcome welcome! A quick note - Silk's submission guidelines request a specific submission format. As I often do these critiques offline and then copy/paste the critique later, it would be very useful for me if you would attach a Word document, per the requirements, to your e-mail. Overall The story started out with a lot of interesting imagery and tension. By page two I was utterly confused, and the confusion kept growing from then on. Where is the story taking place? Why is the man/boy imprisoned? You don't necessarily need to fully answer these questions immediately, but the reader needs some sense of place in order to ground the story. The fight meant nothing to me and I was not invested in it because I didn't have any feel for the characters or why they were fighting. On a potentially more serious concern - Bianca. Is she Ben's guard? It sounded that way, but then she is made out to be his friend, and then a moderately-incompetent damsel in distress. This character needs to be much more fleshed out and her relationship with Ben made clear. Also, her actions are completely counter-intuitive for a guard and worrisome within a trope context. I think if you put a few more specifics in the narrative and cleaned up Bianca's character this could be a really excellent cold open chapter. Again, welcome to the forum! We're always excited to have new members! As I go - Page one, opening line: *sings* so I drew a new face as I lau-ua-uaghed. - page two? Unknown, as no page numbers. When Bianca comes in and I still don't have a clear feel for why the kid? adult? is locked in a cage, I start to lose interest. Suggest adding a few more tangible tidbits in the first page to get reader buy-in - the guard is his friend in an imprisonment he doesn't want? I don't understand this dynamic at all - introduction of Mark, and I am becoming increasingly confused. I need context for why the kid? man? teen? was locked up before these characters and their introductions have any weight. MC reported Mark. Okay, great. Why? For what? I have no idea what is going on - Ben puts his hands on Bianca's, his guard, and says he'll handle the standoff?? with Mark? If she's the guard, shouldn't she be guarding him? This section begins my 'female in position of power not being allowed to exercise said power because she is just a figurehead character' side-eye. - Bianca is clinging to Ben's arm now? Double side-eye. She's a guard, is she not? - Bianca gives her weapon to Ben why?? Even love interests should be able to protect themselves. - I don't understand why this fight is happening. Where is this taking place? Why did boy/man's guard lead him to this place with Mark who is maybe not Mark? - "I would not let him get to Bianca" Yes well, she'd have a better chance defending herself if she'd not given you her weapon. What exactly is Bianca doing right now, anyway? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blainejstephenson Posted October 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 1 hour ago, kaisa said: Welcome welcome! A quick note - Silk's submission guidelines request a specific submission format. As I often do these critiques offline and then copy/paste the critique later, it would be very useful for me if you would attach a Word document, per the requirements, to your e-mail. Overall The story started out with a lot of interesting imagery and tension. By page two I was utterly confused, and the confusion kept growing from then on. Where is the story taking place? Why is the man/boy imprisoned? You don't necessarily need to fully answer these questions immediately, but the reader needs some sense of place in order to ground the story. The fight meant nothing to me and I was not invested in it because I didn't have any feel for the characters or why they were fighting. On a potentially more serious concern - Bianca. Is she Ben's guard? It sounded that way, but then she is made out to be his friend, and then a moderately-incompetent damsel in distress. This character needs to be much more fleshed out and her relationship with Ben made clear. Also, her actions are completely counter-intuitive for a guard and worrisome within a trope context. I think if you put a few more specifics in the narrative and cleaned up Bianca's character this could be a really excellent cold open chapter. Again, welcome to the forum! We're always excited to have new members! As I go - Page one, opening line: *sings* so I drew a new face as I lau-ua-uaghed. - page two? Unknown, as no page numbers. When Bianca comes in and I still don't have a clear feel for why the kid? adult? is locked in a cage, I start to lose interest. Suggest adding a few more tangible tidbits in the first page to get reader buy-in - the guard is his friend in an imprisonment he doesn't want? I don't understand this dynamic at all - introduction of Mark, and I am becoming increasingly confused. I need context for why the kid? man? teen? was locked up before these characters and their introductions have any weight. MC reported Mark. Okay, great. Why? For what? I have no idea what is going on - Ben puts his hands on Bianca's, his guard, and says he'll handle the standoff?? with Mark? If she's the guard, shouldn't she be guarding him? This section begins my 'female in position of power not being allowed to exercise said power because she is just a figurehead character' side-eye. - Bianca is clinging to Ben's arm now? Double side-eye. She's a guard, is she not? - Bianca gives her weapon to Ben why?? Even love interests should be able to protect themselves. - I don't understand why this fight is happening. Where is this taking place? Why did boy/man's guard lead him to this place with Mark who is maybe not Mark? - "I would not let him get to Bianca" Yes well, she'd have a better chance defending herself if she'd not given you her weapon. What exactly is Bianca doing right now, anyway? Thank you for your feedback! I guess in a world of sci if and fantasy I do need more grounding information. Bianca isn't a guardian, but a fellow prisoner in this. They are in there to be transformed into super soldiers through genetic modification, but I guess I didn't show that well enough. a LITTLE bit of that confusion is necessary, but that's only the part about Mark. well, I guess I have some revisions to do! I have wondered about redoing it. i needed this information, thank you! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blainejstephenson Posted October 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 And, I'll get the word doc next time. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 - Aren't all days in a prison typically pretty slow? I understand he's talking about the workout, but it seems a little weird by comparison - Mark's transformation was very well-handled and unexpected. - Ben's mention of his dad is really sporadic . . . it seems to come in very random moments, and it's more confusing rather than intriguing. - Overall, I like the action and the pacing, but the plot set-up seems shallow. I'm still trying to figure out what Ben is doing here, what this prison is like or even what the setting is outside the prison. Still, I'd definitely like to read more. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthanBassett Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 I'd like to start by saying that your writing is really good. Most of what I wrote while reading this has already been said so I'll just leave you with this. The action is really strong and exciting. It paces well and I hope to read more. *This a suggestion based on my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt and but keep it in mind The line between fiction and non-fiction is less defined than most would think. When writing a piece of fiction it can be jarring for the reader when expectations are broken without warning. I feel like Mark's transformation was unexpected in a way you didn't intend it to be. Up until the moment when Mark's skin began to change like wax, this story could have existed in any genre, so when it happens it's distracting and seems to take away from the scene instead of adding to it. Unless this is what you wanted, my recommendation is to break reality in a minor way before Mark's transformation. The other thing I will add is to not keep this 'experiment' vague for very long. If you don't have a specific reason not to tell the reader something then just tell them. It's fine for now but don't go on for another three chapter without giving a little insight. You're good. Please don't stop writing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbit Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 9 hours ago, EthanBassett said: I feel like Mark's transformation was unexpected in a way you didn't intend it to be. Up until the moment when Mark's skin began to change like wax, this story could have existed in any genre, so when it happens it's distracting and seems to take away from the scene instead of adding to it. Unless this is what you wanted, my recommendation is to break reality in a minor way before Mark's transformation. 2 hours ago, Ernei said: The transformation took me by surprise (in the bad sense), but since it's the very beginning, I can let it slip. I'll mildly disagree with Ernei and Ethan and share my reader experience for a different perspective. I would expect either the section of the library/bookstore or the cover art of the story would have alerted me to the presence of supernatural elements. (The fact that you're submitting to this forum suggested that you would have supernatural elements in your story!) So for me, I was expecting it, looking for it... and everything seemed natural, normal, and I was like, where is it? Where is it? And then BAM there it was. It was actually a really satisfying moment for me. So I agree that supernatural elements need to be foreshadowed, but I think this could take other forms than being hinted at in your writing. That said, you could totally make sneaky writing hints without ruining the fake sense of "normalcy" that made the transformation pop so much. And as Ernei says, this is chapter 1 - if you had gone through an entire chapter 1 without mentioning your supernatural elements, that would have been a different story. I'll also add that part of the fun of the transformation was that I thought the characters were having a reality-breaking moment like I was, and it sound like that's not actually accurate, since they already know about superhumans. (It can still be fun even if they already know about superhumans though.) That's my perspective. Do with it what you will! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) A belated welcome to Reading Excuses from me, always glad to read a new author on here. Diving straight in, thoughts as I read with a summary at the end. “The iron cross had hardly seemed to tax me” – Words like this create doubt and reduce clarity. We’re in the m/c’s head, either it taxed him or it didn’t. “I hoped I didn’t have to use it, but hopefully he was just here to talk. But, the fact that he was standing in the one spot that didn’t have camera surveillance and that Bianca hadn’t mentioned him by name made me second guess that.” – Really wordy and kind of rambling. “He began changing as if he was made of wax and someone had gotten him had come too close to heat and started molding his features.” – The reader knows what heat does to wax, I don’t think you need to explain it. Also, ‘someone had gotten him’ really dulls the impact of the image. “Bianca recovered faster, and yanked me back” – This transformation scene bugged me. I reckon Ben must have stood there for about a minute, certainly 30 seconds, which I think is just bonkers. The length of the description feels like time passing to the reader. Once the guy starts ‘melting’, I struggle to believe Ben is going to just stand there and admire it. “She clung to my arm, her eyes wide” – I think this might be +1 on @kaisa ‘s fridge-o-meter. Is the female lead going to be a ‘classical’ heroine who clings to the m/c’s arm the whole time? “She passed her knife to me” – Ooh, yes... Doesn’t she know how to throw it? Did she stand there waiting until he had thrown his to hand him her’s? The description of Ben’s stabbing is good; I get a strong impression of what he’s feeling. “Up close, I would likely survive” – It’s all ‘I, I, I...’ here. What is the girl doing all this time? “I would not let him get to Bianca” – Yeah, seems that she is a helpless damsel in distress. “but he was good” – Is he not an ‘it’ at this point? Seems like the man has transformed into a hideous, inhuman monster. “walking towards me, into my room” – Suddenly, I'm disoriented. They had walked out of his room to meet the man, now they are back in the room? Okay, I have a BIG issue with Bianca’s role in this. I am by no means whatever a feminist, ask around here. But it’s not even about gender issues, it’s about believably. You've made her completely inactive and ineffectual in a way that is completely unbelievable, that she would just stand there and do nothing more than hand Ben a knife when his is lost. She doesn’t even shout or scream or anything, throw something, ran away, DO something! This problem quickly dominated the whole submission for me. I'm sorry, but it’s a real fault. Err, sorry, rant over. There were some nice touches of description and mood setting, although I don’t have any physical sense of the surroundings or the people, so I end up forming generic pictures. Still, there is good action from near the start. Because I don’t get if any blocking, I don’t know if it’s surprising that no one comes along. How far from help are they? Is there are road? Where does the rescuer come from? I’ve griped a lot here, apologies for that, and all this stuff can be fixed quite easily if you see it as a problem. I'm interested to read more to see what Bianca’s part is, and if the creatures are the norm, whether it’s a body-jacking sort of story, a la Invasion of the Body-Snatchers, or something different. <R> Edited October 9, 2016 by Robinski Spelled 'meter' wrong!!! Dummy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 On 04/10/2016 at 5:37 PM, kaisa said: What exactly is Bianca doing right now, anyway? Yup. This is a big whole in the story. I'm surprised that more people did not refer to it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 9 hours ago, Robinski said: I'm surprised that more people did not refer to it. I actually yelled it at the computer while I was reading. My coworkers were not amused. I get a little too wrapped up in reading. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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