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Sept 19, 2016 - Vreeah - Dreamt and Lost - Chapter 3 and Interludes (V) - 3,695 words


Vreeah

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Overall

The second two were better glances into the world, although I still don't know much about the twins and their motivations. I think these little shorts were a good way to explore their characters, and I'd encourage you to do a few more with some light conflict to see how they respond. 

I think the three shorts are consistent, which is both good and bad. The dream sequences always seem excessively flowery, if you'll forgive the pun, and I have to work hard not to skim. I understand you are world building, and it might just be personal preference on my part, but I'd love to see a bit of the wandering in those scenes cut so the dreams had more impact and the tension wasn't cut down.

I liked them! Glad to see the twins developing more and get a view into their world!

 

As I go

- page one: Many long teeth dug uselessly into the lance while black gunk pooled on the corridor floor. This is a very vague sentence. Would prefer actual numbers and description of the 'gunk'.

- page two: I don't feel any tension. There is a lot of imagery, which is nice, but overwhelming to the point of killing the tension

- page two: this first section is sort of meh for me. 

- page three: the second section gives decent information on the dream things. I like it

- page five: I am overcome with adorable at their twin knight speech

 

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I liked Chapter three.  I like the way the stakes keep getting higher.  I don't have any "big" critiques for this section, just small stuff.

  • I loved the first two paragraphs of Elias being in his dream.  I think he stays in there for too long, though.  As kaisa said above, we lose too much of the tension.
  • I was a little confused about what was happening as Ellis comes out of his dream.  I think it just needs a tiny bit more to clarify that Sofia stabbed the snake while Ellis was 'out.'  If you changed "the thorn lance had been stuffed" to "Sophia had stuffed her thorn lance," that might be all it needs. 
  • When Ellis and Sofia start talking, they seem casual.  Then Ellis asks "Who's taking the children?" and the seriousness of his question caught me off guard.  Because of his tone before, it seems like he doesn't care that much about who's taking the children, but I don't think that's actually the case.
  • "The pale man tilted his head over..."  That movement sounds so creepy.  Nice line.

The interludes I won't give in-line suggestions on, since they're more of an exercise (I think - right?), but I definitely thought the characters were consistent throughout, as was the tone.  I like the situations you show Ellis and Sofia in as children - they do a good job showing who they are.  Sofia seems clearer to me - she wants to look cool and be awesome, and she wants her twin brother to be her minion.  And it's kind of adorable.  You've done a good job translating her characteristics into adulthood, as well.  She still the lead sibling between her and her brother but the ways she 'manipulates' (I don't mean this in a bad way) him are a lot more subtle.  I think you could push Ellis's development deeper.  I'm still not sure what he actually wants.  He's being overshadowed by his sister, and that can hide a lot of someone's personality, but since we're from his POV I think you have an opportunity to show us hints of the kind of person he would be without his sister to direct him.  He's already a good character, I just still have some questions about him. :)

Hope that helps!  Nicely done!

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  • 2 weeks later...

In the interests of freeing up time for writing, I'm going to try a more summarised commenting style on some submissions. Apologies if this seems briefer than usual, but hopefully there is still something useful in here! And sorry for the delay, pressure of work and all that :)

I was entertained once again, however the structure of this submission was a bit frustrating, I did not appreciate being snatched out of the confrontation with the evil chap after just getting his description. Also, the dream are description heavy and lighter on action. Having these dream interludes one after the other is a lot of description to without much activity.

In terms of character, Sofia’s certainly is consistent. Ellis’s is too, but only in as much as I don’t really get much from him. I can’t think of a single trait that I would use to describe him. Maybe brave, I suppose, he does not hesitate in confronting threat. I might have said inquisitive too, but he was complete disinterested in the book so, probably not.

In summary, if this submission is indicative of the level of description to plot throughout the book, I don’t think I would have the stamina to get through it completely. On that basis, I'm hoping for the pace to pick up a bit in the next submission, and will be keen to read to find out.

<R>

Chapter 3

  • “He watched the ground ripple and turned lucid as a vast lake became the landscape” – there’s something amiss here, I think. Surely it’s ‘turn’ for one thing, but is ‘lucid’ the word?
  • The transition back from the dream is odd, underwhelming. Maybe that’s the way it is.
  • They seem to disregard the snake very quickly. I did not get the sense that its threat was negated just because it is wedged.
  • “Then let's burke this thing” – I don’t know what this means. I looked it up and it’s a term I’ve never heard.
  • I'm confused, why does Ellie need to hold back, because he’s a new sentry? I didn’t get the impression before that his power was any less than the others. Maybe I've forgotten something said in the last submission.
  • “Three enemies," he told them” – No, this is a problem for me. He’s talking like he has authority when he’s just received this information from Sofia. She knows more than him and surely should be doing the briefing.
  • “We're going to burke this monster” – repetition. This is not a common word. Why do you use it instead of ‘smother’? For one thing, burke is defined as murder by smothering, as far as I can see, but they are not murdering the snake, it’s essentially self defence. I don’t think this term conveys the right sense of the situation.
  • “Sofia pushed herself back onto her feet” – since when was she not standing up?

At the Count of Morning

  • Is this how the story goes, or have you just dropped the interludes into this submission? I'm really quite cross at being jerked out of the burgeoning combat situation.
  • “There was a stone treasure chest walking around the tent, moved by tiny little feet coming out of its bottom corners.” – Have you read Pratchett? This is pretty much straight out of The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic. I think you need to do something to make it (more) different. However, “A creature made entirely of four crocodile heads, arranged in a perfect cross” – awesome!!
  • “and touched the raw esprit, absorbing them it into his body”
  • This interlude is fine in itself, but I have not context for it. Sofia being there is extra weird. “Save your stuff for the road. Let's keep going” – Did she drop out of the fight for this? I need some context.

Lotus and Lily

  • You mentioned character being consistent. I’ll come back to that, but I like the characterisation of the children in this scene. I think you’ve got that nicely through Ellis’ petulant dialogue and Sofia haranguing her brother.
  • sprinting squinting her eyes” – right?
  • I was a bit disoriented in the dream. I guess there is a difference between dream and memory, of course, quite reasonable. But it seems that they are not actually asleep in the dream, or that is the aim, but Ellis falling into the memory would have brought sleep on? I'm not entirely clear.

Parlei Adler

  • “fourteen hands sported sprouted out of his back”
  • “the grocery bag she tired tied around Neckle's neck”
  • “She sat onto on the grass” – I would say one climbs (up) onto something, but doesn’t sit (down) onto something.
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Hey Vreeah, I remember liking your first entry in this story, so I decided to get around to this second part now, even though it's super late. I ended up using your doc and making comments throughout, and I replied to your original email with that as an attachment. I enjoy this world and your style a lot. And I'm finding that the characters have some interesting things about them too, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of this piece.

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