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Robinski - 160905 - Qk - Submission 3 - 2707 words (LLLL)


Robinski

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Hey folks, thanks for reading if you have the time. I'm still tracking through Writing Excuses Season 10 as I build my current project. Here's the beef for this week's submission.

[Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep14] – Write 500 words, focusing on just one of the promises you’ve identified for your story. Then stop, and start writing another 500 words with a different promise. Aaaand then do it a third time.

So, here (following) are mine. Which one do you find the most effective / enjoyable / enticing? Plus any and all other notes that you care to mention – much appreciated!!

[Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep16] – Write your first thirteen lines, and see how much you can fit into that space—character attitude, point-of-view, mood, genre, conflict, setting, and more.

Yeah, this one is in there too, I hope. Wow, that’s a really good challenge. Again, I would very much appreciate your comments on that thread.

[Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep17] – Take the world-building you’ve done, write your beginning, and then secretly write down your “gee-whiz.” Now run that beginning past some alpha readers, and have them attempt to identify the “gee-whiz.” Compare their answers with your own.

Hmm, I'm saying nothing about this from my pov, but I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this aspect, if you wouldn’t mind.

 

As ever, my thanks for any comments you can spare.

<R>

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Ep 14

Which one do I like the most? Hrm. I enjoyed the android, although it took me some time to get into it. The start was shaky, but the scrotum section really brought me into the narrative. Quirk's section I didn't care for this time. Whereas our first exposure to him was of a smooth talking showman, here I found him crass and very blunt. I am not as drawn to him in this light. Moth I did enjoy again. You've been very consistent with her character and I think this scene shows us a bit of a softer side of Moth, compared to other encounters, while still being true to her character. So I guess my ranking would me: Moth, Android, Quirk. 

Ep 15

I think you did well with the thirteen line thing. I didn't feel overwhelmed with information at all, and the inserts were smooth. Nice work!

Ep 16

I'm also confused. What does the 'gee-whiz' refer to??

 

Overall

I'm curious to see how you integrate the android into the narrative bits we've already seen. I would like to see more of suave Quirk over coarse Quirk, if only because coarse is really overdone (IMO) in sff, but nuanced characters are hard to come by. I loved Quirk from your first submission. Like, I want to go to clubs with him and seduce women in cafes with him. This one...meh. Maybe we'd drink a beer together. I consistently enjoy Moth, and am looking forward to more of her adventures. I didn't do LBLs since this is more writing exercise than anything, but overall it was an easy read and I stayed engaged the whole time. Nice work!

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2 hours ago, kaisa said:

I'm also confused. What does the 'gee-whiz' refer to??

5 hours ago, Ernei said:

I don't know what the "gee-whiz" is supposed to mean.

Here's Howard Talyer's short explanation from the website:

Quote

“Gee-Whiz” here means the cool piece of world-building or plot-crafting that you want to show off. Giant space stations, ghosts that talk on the radio, that kind of thing.

 

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E14:

I definitely liked all of them.  I think I actually like Quirk's section the best.  I really like mysteries, and this one had a clear mystery - a mysterious intrigue-y dead drop, ordered at gunpoint by a cop!  Our main character already seems in over his head.  Maybe it's not fair, since that section was the longest, and I may have been just as hooked by the others if they went further.  But I liked Quirk.  He got to show a range of emotions across the section and I already felt a connection with him.  There were also a lot of great lines in this one:  I loved "eyelids dragged themselves across gravel."  And I could smell/feel the "hot, sickly fuel-spiced air."  Ugh.

My second favorite was Moth's.  She is just such an interesting character to have in a convent.  She's spunky and blunt, which is really fun.  My Catholic-raised self was (still is) mortified at the mention of other uses for discarded tissues!!  The only thing that ruined it for me was the end, where she prepares to go do something presumably mean to the crying nun.  It made me sad.  But I'm a softie, so others might not have that problem.

Last but not least is the android's section.  I agree with kaisa that the most "touching" part of the piece was scrotum part (oh dear, did I just do that?).  I also got the impression that the doctor is rather emotionless (mostly from the last paragraph), which makes me not like him.  I feel bad for the person who used the android, but I didn't have anyone that I really connected with in that section.  It was still very interesting, just not as compelling.

 

E16:

Android section:

Lines 1-4:  I thought at first there were three "people" here: a human, a syRen, and an andriod.  Turns out the syRen is the android.  I also think these lines are a little clunky.

Lines 5-8: I'm not sure who Bourbon is, or what it has to do with the voice.  Once we start talking about Morgan Freeman I have something to hang my hat on, though I'm still not sure what the android is talking about.

Lines 9-10: Ah, now I've got enough context to start putting things together.  An immobile person watching movies in a sick bed.  Also, there's something called "Expansion" which tells me we're far from these references.

Line 11: Now things are getting really interesting.  The films made the journey - so we're on a different planet?  Shooting data into veins sounds really fascinating - how does that work?  Why did the data have to come that way?

Lines 12-13: Now I'm understanding stuff and getting context.  Yep, different planet.  Still not sure what was happening up in lines 1-8 though.

Quirk's section:

Line 1: I assume this "other man" must not be that important, since he didn't get a name.

Line 2-3: We're on a junky spaceship!  Always fun.

Line 4: Haha.  Now I'm getting the impression that this person is more important than the first line gave him credit for.

Line 5-7: I miss my oxford comma! :(  But now I know we're near Earth and that these two guys are friends (at least friendly).

Line 8-10: So this guy does have a name.  Why didn't it get used before?  Also re-grown teeth sound awesome.  So we've got awesome medical tech in this place, or else Pies is a shark.

 Line 11: It's so much more fun when things break down!

Line 12-13: Not sure what we're talking about here, but it sounds like we're going to Italy.

Moth's section:

Line 1: great image.  Dark bob makes me picture her as edgy already.

Line 2-6: So we're in a convent.  Interesting.  I wonder if convents are much different in 2099?  And it sounds like Moth is a pupil here, with lots of boring manual labor with spiritual significance, which she hates.  Sounds good.  Lots of potential.

Line 7: I'm having a hard time picturing Moth thinking this.  First of all, I don't get the impression that she would think of herself in her own head as "a fourteen year-old orphan."  Second, it seems like a generally odd thought to have.  I could see her thinking, "I can take care of myself, I don't need to know about nurture" or something like that, but thinking "orphan" and "doesn't need to know about nurture" in the same sentence seems off.

Line 8-12:  Oh do I relate to this situation.  I spent a summer as an intern at a university garden.  Weeding towards the shade, indeed.  The problem is that the shade is always moving!  Also I hate picking tiny weeds.

Line 12: More swearing = more edginess = more interesting in a convent!

 

E17:

Gee-whiz factors for Android:  Really interesting new medical technology that could change lots of people's lives.  Interesting colonization methods (movies in your veins??), with something intense happening on Earth.  I definitely want to see a person or people being really happy when they get their bodies back.  And there's a potential for a robot takeover situation.

Gee-whiz factors for Quirk:  Secret agent-y intrigue mystery stuff!  The characters also sound interesting here.  The world sounds really vivid and I'm looking forward to beautiful space travel scenes.

Gee-whiz factors for Moth:  It's all about character here.  And naughty nuns.  But mostly Moth is going to cause trouble, and probably grow up a bit along the way. 

 

Hopefully there's something helpful in all that!

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Hey Robinski, I really enjoyed the android story--easily my favorite. I found the android's situation and personality very interesting. I'd like to read more about him. In the second snippet, your fascinating Quirk character wasn't as recognizable. (Except for your "Sunday smile" line--great line!) As a character, he seemed to be having an off day, maybe a headache. I remember being a little turned off by Moth the first time I read her, but now that I've read three pieces, I'm starting to like her better. Maybe that's because I think I "get" her now; I've decided as a reader that her attitude is a cover for some bad experiences in her life, and that she'll come around in the end. That's my hope, at least.

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Interesting pieces.  I'm with kaisa on this one that I didn't enjoy Quirk nearly as much as before.  His section was rougher than the others in blocking and description, and I much prefer suave!Quirk rather than brash!Quirk.

So that leaves Moth and the Android tied as my favorites.  I'm getting more into Moth the more I read of her, though I was similarly put off by her prospect of fun at someone else's expense.  The android was both depressing, and optimistic.  I got the impression that the "gee-whiz" might be tele-operated androids.  As in the original individual might be a terminal or bed-bound patient that is uploaded to a new body?

I think Moth wins again for the 13-line challenge, followed by the android, and then Quirk. I think the last could probably be compressed even more to get us into Quirk's character quicker.

Interested to see some chapters!

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On 6 September 2016 at 1:19 AM, Hobbit said:

Here's Howard Talyer's short explanation from the website:

“Gee-Whiz” here means the cool piece of world-building or plot-crafting that you want to show off. Giant space stations, ghosts that talk on the radio, that kind of thing.

Thank you so much, Hobbit, I broke the first law of Write Club and didn't explain the question!! I'm in your debt for picking up the pieces on my behalf - iou1 :) 

Also, apologies that I have been tardy reponding to you all's most helpful comments. I have been on the road travelling the 'vast' distances between Glasgow, Stoke-on-Trent, Derby and Glasgow. (Knowing Canada somewhat, I am fully aware that you colonials equates a 250 mile trip with 'popping to the shops' :D 

Anyway, I'm very grateful and will respond in detail over the weekend - thanks one and all!!

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- Okay, I'm a movie nerd, so I know who Brian Cox is. Not sure other readers would, especially in the same sentence as Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins (though both Cox and Hopkins have been Hannibal Lecter).

- Though I do like the bit about pop culture references.

- I did like the ending of the first segment . . . that the whole thing was just a test to begin with. The abrupt shutting down of the android as he pleads for upgrades with money he apparently doesn't have is interesting . . . might be something there.

- I like the line "Earth does have the prettiest curves I've ever seen." Its a cool idea - to see the world from a vastly different perspective.

- Quirk's sadness comes out of nowhere. I'm guessing it's because of his lack of family ties, but it feels out of place, if only because it's short on any specific loss or regret. 

- As always, Moth is awesome.

- I like her lines about nuns wearing black because it's slimming.

- And I really wanted to see what happened next! 

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21 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Interesting pieces.  I'm with kaisa on this one that I didn't enjoy Quirk nearly as much as before.  His section was rougher than the others in blocking and description, and I much prefer suave!Quirk rather than brash!Quirk.

Yeah, the first part of this Quirk 'intro' was the second piece that I wrote for this story, so predates suave!Quirk and this really shows, doesn't it? I'm totally with you and @kaisa and @Coopon that. The 'Sunday smile' line was a small attempt to pry in some suave!Quirk in retro, however much more work required, and there is very little chance of this being the opening of the story anyway, if the scene survives in this form at all.

So that leaves Moth and the Android tied as my favorites.  I'm getting more into Moth the more I read of her, though I was similarly put off by her prospect of fun at someone else's expense.  The android was both depressing, and optimistic.  I got the impression that the "gee-whiz" might be tele-operated androids.  As in the original individual might be a terminal or bed-bound patient that is uploaded to a new body?

Spot on - I think that means we both win!! The prize is a pat on the back. :)

I think Moth wins again for the 13-line challenge, followed by the android, and then Quirk. I think the last could probably be compressed even more to get us into Quirk's character quicker.

Interested to see some chapters!

I would freeking love to write some chapters, but I suppose I should try and keep going with this self-imposed Season 10 regime <grumble>

Thank you very much, @Mandamon - exceptionally helpful comments - I expect no less!!

 

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4 minutes ago, rdpulfer said:

- Okay, I'm a movie nerd, so I know who Brian Cox is. Not sure other readers would, especially in the same sentence as Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins (though both Cox and Hopkins have been Hannibal Lecter).

And Morgan Freeman has only pursued a serial killer as Alex Cross - so he's the odd one out!! Good point about Brian Cox, I can't even remember if I left in the reference to him as 'that guy from the Bourne Supremacy' 

- Quirk's sadness comes out of nowhere. I'm guessing it's because of his lack of family ties, but it feels out of place, if only because it's short on any specific loss or regret. 

Yeah, there's in issue with that. Not having chr-built his background, I'm not sure what the right tone is, but there will be a tone. Importantly, I will need to pace these 'moods' carefully.

- And I really wanted to see what happened next! 

I hope as a felllow movie nerd you enjoy the story - I'll need to be careful I don't go overboard with those references though!!

Thanks RD, really appreciate those comments - very helpful.

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Thank you so much for reading, @Ernei, much appreciated :)

On 05/09/2016 at 8:16 PM, Ernei said:

I don't feel for Moth a bit, and her conclusion that somebody crying might be fun only puts me further off. - This is the common reaction, but there is more to her, I hope - but not visible here, it's on deeper background. Totally understand your reaction though. Most people were the same, and yet seem to come around. She's intended to work better with another character to bounce off, which we have not really seen in any of the three submission so far.

Quirk seems like your typical tough-guy MC - Yeah, really not. This bit is not right, tone-wise and Quirk-wise - (I can't get the name Kirk out of my head for some reason) - Err, yes, good point. it's only a short step from (Peter) Quill as well. I figure if I ever have to change it it's because a publisher is telling me too, which can't be a bad situation, right?

For all I know the scene could take place somewhere in the past, and you could be writing a historical drama book. - Yeah, it doesn't work as an opening, and doesn't have any "gee-whiz" in the sense it's intended.

On the "gee-whiz" - thanks again to Coop for the clarification!

"Pies" :D I caught the meaning, I think :D - Heh, it's really not subtle. There's a phrase in Scotland/UK 'Who ate all the pies?' - In other words 'You Sir (or Madam - although much less likely), are carrying quite a few extra pounds.'

Really helpful comments, thank you!!

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Thank you @kaisa, I always look forward to your comments!! :)

On 05/09/2016 at 10:17 PM, kaisa said:

the scrotum section really brought me into the narrative

Is it okay if I use this as a jacket quote for the front cover? I feel like this kind of incisive endorsement from a published author will really help my story find its market ;):lol:

On 05/09/2016 at 10:17 PM, kaisa said:

Quirk's section I didn't care for this time. Whereas our first exposure to him was of a smooth talking showman, here I found him crass and very blunt.

Yeah, it's not really Quirk, I wrote it out of context some months back, unsure if I can salvage it and achieve #trueQuirk. I will be trying.

On 05/09/2016 at 10:17 PM, kaisa said:

Moth, Android, Quirk

Awesome. As noted above, I don't think Moth's bit here can open the story, it's more likely to be the Scientist/Android section. I think that can work to establish the type of story and the tone, while being largely anonymous, so not treading on characterisation.

On 05/09/2016 at 10:17 PM, kaisa said:

Like, I want to go to clubs with him and seduce women in cafes with him. This one...meh. Maybe we'd drink a beer together. I consistently enjoy Moth, and am looking forward to more of her adventures.

Awe- some! Thank you :)

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Really appreciate your comprehensive comments, Hobbit, thank you so much.

On 06/09/2016 at 2:21 AM, Hobbit said:

But I liked Quirk.  He got to show a range of emotions across the section and I already felt a connection with him.

Excellent. Despite what I say above about the Quirk section not being the real Quirk, I'm glad that those aspects of it connected with you, because they will be remaining through any edit. It's really exciting that different readers are connecting with different parts and with either Moth or Quirk, quite strongly one way or the other. Really satisfying and yet heightens the need to make them both work well.

On 06/09/2016 at 2:21 AM, Hobbit said:

The only thing that ruined it for me was the end, where she prepares to go do something presumably mean to the crying nun.  It made me sad.  But I'm a softie, so others might not have that problem.

Yeah, I was really close to keeping writing there and then ran out of time to get it submitted. It's a really important scene for Moth, very important for the reader to learn that she is maybe not irredeemable. I absolutely love that you, a self-proclaimed softie, and @kaisa (not a softie, I think?!! :P) both like Moth. I hope she is a complex character, or will be once I get through a few more scenes and introduce some background / hints.

On 06/09/2016 at 2:21 AM, Hobbit said:

Last but not least is the android's section...  ...It was still very interesting, just not as compelling.

That's cool. I hope it's not glib to say that it's there really only to establish some important aspects of the world, not to introduce a main character(s).

On 06/09/2016 at 2:21 AM, Hobbit said:

I'm not sure who Bourbon - As in Whisky

Shooting data into veins sounds really fascinating - how does that work?  - No idea, but sounds good, eh?.

Why did the data have to come that way? - Economics of space flight, all about the payload (weight vs. cost).

I don't get the impression that she would think of herself in her own head as "a fourteen year-old orphan - Good point, edited.

Gee-whiz factors for Android:  Really interesting new medical technology... Interesting colonization methods (movies in your veins??), with something intense happening on Earth.  And there's a potential for a robot takeover situation. - Muah-ha-ha!!

Gee-whiz factors for Quirk:  Secret agent-y intrigue mystery stuff! - :)

Gee-whiz factors for Moth:  It's all about character here.  But mostly Moth is going to cause trouble, and probably grow up a bit along the way. :D

Hopefully there's something helpful in all that! - Absolutely, these are fantastic comments. Thank you so much for reading, @Hobbit

 

 

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On 07/09/2016 at 2:50 AM, Coop said:

your fascinating Quirk character wasn't as recognizable. (Except for your "Sunday smile" line--great line!) As a character, he seemed to be having an off day, maybe a headache. - Rofl - yeah, it's some lag from an earlier time, normal service should be resumed in following submissions.

I remember being a little turned off by Moth the first time I read her, but now that I've read three pieces, I'm starting to like her better. Maybe that's because I think I "get" her now; I've decided as a reader that her attitude is a cover for some bad experiences in her life, and that she'll come around in the end. <_< maybe...

Thanks Coop, much appreciated. It's sooo valuable to see what is working :)

 

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Hm, this'll be the first time I've seen this story.

First thought, I have no idea what's going on. Shouldn't be a surprise. There's a triple penalty hitting me over the head.

One, I'm showing up in the middle of something, so now is a time for catching up and guesswork. Two, there's a mix of new terms and situations that I have no clue how to balance, though it's more an effect of sci-fi where everything has advanced half a step out of familiarity. Three, pop culture, my forty-first greatest enemy.

Now then, since I'm finished justifying my confusion, it's on with the decisions.

===

Ep14

Of these three, I shall say that the second is my favorite. Quirk's terribly alright. Pie's a load of fun, crude jokes. The big and wimpy guy reminds me of some office coworker that you wave a hello and goodbye to on each work day. He's one of those type of guys you wouldn't try to find as a friend, but would declare as "pretty cool" if you got stuck with them.

===

Ep16

First one: Two folks are in someplace. They're well dressed. Oh, one's an android. Is it just this dude talking? I think it's just this dude talking. Who's the talking dude? It's the future. A lot of time has passed, but not too much has changed. Data goes in the body, probably. The speaker isn't refined. Mood is... how would I describe it? It's like I'm listening to an old man saying, "Yeah, yeah" as dismissively as he can muster while still caring a bit.

Second one: They're in a spaceship. It's a crappy spaceship. Teeth can be grown. They're not good at communicating to each other about what the heck is going on. They entered Earth's atmosphere not too long ago.

Third one: Punk. Brat. Religious setting with a person that cares very little. Orphan in a place she doesn't want to be. Old style, possibly the equivalent of Amish.

===

Ep17

No idea, so I'm just gonna brute force this. Information downloaded directly into body. The transitional period between robots and androids that you can't distinguish from humanity—androids that are almost there. AIs, AIs everywhere. Honestly corrupt cops that aren't really but might've been. Sadness is taboo

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11 hours ago, Robinski said:

Is it okay if I use this as a jacket quote for the front cover? I feel like this kind of incisive endorsement from a published author will really help my story find its market

Absolutely. And when this goes to print I will be happy to leave stunning reviews all over Goodreads and Amazon! Maybe not about scrotums...although noting my sense of humor, it will probably be about scrotums. It's a good word.

11 hours ago, Robinski said:

(not a softie, I think?!!

Probably not. I do want to chime in here on Moth. I love the character because she is so multi-facuceted and real. She isn't a caricature of adolescence as portrayed by popular media, she is, in as much as she can be, a real person. She has traits consistent with what we know of her upbringing, is complex, and, like many youths in this age range, both endearing, cold / calculating, and frustrating all at the same time. I have a pretty short fuse when it comes to females in this age group in particular, because so many writers, both male and female, want to boil these young women down into either likable or 'mean girl' stereotypes. It's a super complex age and girls are very dynamic during it, and I see that in Moth. She is probably your most consistently written character, @Robinski, which makes me guess that you have a daughter/neice/female relative/associate in or around this age group that you are drawing from. I think Moth is exquisitely portrayed currently, and look forward to reading more of her exploits. 

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  • 4 months later...

What the heck? How the name of holy Hannah did I overlook these comments? I am such a dunderhead sometimes! My apologies, both.

@Vreeah, thank you for tackling something blind like that - brute force is entirely acceptable. I do like your stream-of-consciousness response here. Very interesting. I'm actually just in the process of harvesting edit notes from these threads, since I"VE FINISHED MY FIRST DRAFT, WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOO! <Cough> Sorry, slight overreaction there. Thanks again! Apologies for the slight 4-month delay in responding.

@kaisa, I am indebted to you (again), this time for your positive and encouraging words on Moth. Yes, I have a daughter, she's 22, but capable at any given moment of acting like a 14-year-old doing an impression of an 8-year-old. Did I mention that I finished my first draft? WOOOO HOOOO! I am so excited, I'm diving straight into an edit, because I don't want to put a first draft up here, I want to tidy up all the loose stuff so hopefully you guys can concentrate on the meat.

Edited by Robinski
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