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Aug 15, 2016 - Vreeah - Jeweled Songbirds - Chapter 1 - 2,929 words


Vreeah

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Welcome welcome!

Overall

Interesting. I'd like to see it fleshed out more, and have some quibbles below. I'm not feeling Riley just yet, and think reassessing how you portray her age and paternal interactions would help. The magic systems is intriguing, but I'd like more about it straight off, so when the sodium goes I have some clue what is going on. 

I don't think there was too much world building and in some places, a bit more would be nice. There are some tension dip areas though, where you might remove some of the wb and move to other areas.  Overall, looking forward to the next chapter!

As I go

- page 1: I really hope 'frostwood' is an ongoing thing in here, because I love me some fantasy trees

- The paragraph starting with 'The secret treasury' reads info dumpy. It'd be more fun to have her recall those events as she looks over more items.

- page 2: I'm having a hard time judging Riley's age. Old enough to steal, young enough to live at home. It's a little distracting, but not horribly so yet. Just a heads up. Added to this on page three the father talks about her 'playtime', then invites her to have what I assume is a drink with him. Confusing.

- page 3: missing motivation for why Riley wants to one up her father. And why she thinks of him as 'Reginald' sometimes and 'father' or 'dad' other times. I'd like a bit more grounding on the father/daughter relationship early on, I think, before moving into plot.

- page four helps with the above, but might be needed earlier. If I was bookstore browsing I wouldn't have gone much past the first two. Page four hooks me, and for me, should be earlier.

- page five: paragraph that begins with 'Injury was unlikely' reads infodumpy

- page six: moves too fast for world building, and not fast enough for real tension. Suggest focusing on one or the other

- page seven: the more roof hopping Riley does, the more I want a really sound paragraph or two on imagery of her jumping. You have a bit of one a few pages up, but I'd love to get the sense of exhilaration, of landing on different types of roofs, of dealing with wind. I want to feel like it is me doing the jumping.

- page eight: Hello, fortifier. I'll be shipping you this chapter.

- page eight: 'apparently grew out his beard to appear older' is all kinds of awkward

- page nine: Woah. Wait. Back the chemistry train up. What is she doing to the sodium? I need to have a better idea of what elra are before this happens, because this scene took me right out of the narrative and way past suspension of disbelief. 

- page eleven: Hrm. Was looking for more of a hook ending than the one provided. It'd be nice to get just a bit more on the 'lady' part, than the suggestion that her dad is going to get called for her misbehavior.

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Awesome! Thanks so much for the critique!

Hm, I'll see if I can think up a rearrangement that's more interesting and better paced.

Let's see... if I expand Riley's exploration of her secret treasury, perhaps I can immediately follow it with her motivations and goals from page four. Show something that basically says, "these are my valuable treasures, but they're not worth enough to prove myself to my family, yet."

Maybe I should include a treasure that utilizes Riley's elra affinities, so that I can flaunt the magic she's using before the sodium explosion part. Yeah, then I'd also be able to get the action moving faster during the theft.

After that, I'd follow with the dad-daughter dialogue, probably with some expansion to get a better picture of their relationship. I'll see how much more of their personality I can display. Putting Riley's motivations earlier might end up helping with this part.

Thinking about Riley's jumping was fun. I'll can definitely make her traversal more vivid.

Ah, yes, maybe I should cut the part where the king mentioned Riley's dad and shift the talking points a little. Calling the parent for misbehavior was definitely not my intended impression. I'll try out some different lines.

These are good details to consider. I'll definitely keep them in mind when I revise

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Hey Vreeah, welcome to the group!

I'm afraid that the main issue for me is how similar this is to what I remember of the first Mistborn book, and I'm having trouble seeing past that. Riley uses elra much the same way that Vin used allomancy, not to mention that the two characters feel similar to me, both having roguish, urchin-like qualities about them. The rooftop approach of the hotel reminded me of scenes in those books too. If I wasn't familiar with the Mistborn series, I think I would have read this chapter very differently and might have gotten into it a lot more because there are things about your imagery and writing that I really like. Are there things you can do to distinguish this world more from Sanderson's? I love magic systems, and would like to see what else you can do with it.

Another reaction I had was that the heist sequence was a little unbelievable for me. You mentioned that the penthouse had strong fortifications. If so, would it really be susceptible to her vent-clogging scheme? (Particularly considering this is a magic-using world with lots of dangerous possibilities.) She seems like she's rushing into this heist, not even scouting it out; this doesn't sound like the work of someone who has already managed to rob from so many wealthy, powerful people in the city. She also seems unprepared for what magic-using fortifiers can do. The invisible box trap seems like something an advanced thief would be ready to counter. Also, it sounds like the king is visibly exposed in the penthouse; wouldn't a penthouse (for a king, especially) be a bit more private? Finally, my fatherly instincts kicked in when I read how casually Reginald sent off his daughter to rob powerful people. Even if she's done it a dozen times before, I'm not ready to believe that he could be so easy-going about sending her out into danger.

Again, if this hadn't reminded me so much of Mistborn, I think I would have really gotten into this story, so I'm looking forward to seeing what else you can come up with.

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1 hour ago, Vreeah said:

where the king mentioned Riley's dad

In fact I thought you had thrown a new name in when I first read it, because you abbreviated the father's name. Then on the second read I realized it was the father, so was doubly confused. 

I think your edits sound excellent!

 

ETA: I do agree with @Coop. I noticed similarities to Vin and mist born cloaks and roof jumping right off. I was going to give it another chapter or so to bring it up, in case it veered quickly into fresh territory.

Edited by kaisa
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Ouch, that was a bunch of possibilities I was afraid of. Thanks for letting me know, guys. I need to revise the chapter so that it's clearer. A few of those points are the opposite of what I wanted to show, so that's a major conveyance failure.

I'm going to need to dedicate more words toward making some of the points, such as how Reginald doesn't know about Riley's serial thievery. Reginald being an uncaring father is an impression that I want to stray as far as possible from.

Now then, the parallels with Vin from Mistborn. Hm. I'm going to need to reread Mistborn later to make sure, but for the moment I'll emphasize the differences more in this chapter, instead of waiting for the plot to take over in the next one.

Setting is a simple one. I'll imply how clean the city is, and also mention Riley's thoughts on the fair weather.

Definitely thinking I need some more dialogue between Riley and Reginald. They're a happy family, and Riley looks up to her parents. That's an important part of her motivations that I need to ensure.

Oh, and whoops. I've had it in my head that Riley is cocky from her past successes, which were against targets with less than a tenth the money and influence of the king. It just now hit me that I didn't translate any of those thoughts to the page. I have to add that.

Hrm, this might end up being a pretty thick first chapter. Should be a nice revision experience.

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I quite liked this, as a whole, and am eager to read more.

I'm not quite sold on the first part, in the attic and talking to her father. It's probably an important scene to establish Riley's motivations and relationship with her father, but IMO it would work better later on in the story, either after she gets back home (if that's what happens) or as a flashback. This would also move your hook forward and I think the roof-hopping and the heist are solid enough to stand on their own, without you introducing Riley beforehand. (In late, out early ;) ) 

I ran into the same difficulties as Kaisa with determining Riley's age.

There's some nice writing in the roof-hopping section, but condensing this scene would greatly heighten its impact, I believe. The bit with the Fracture theater for instance, while it is nice world-building (establishing this as a cultured society) I don't think it actually adds something to the story at this point.
I have a small issue with Riley running over the rooftops and vaulting over streets during daytime. Wouldn't she get spotted easily? Unless you have messengers or the like using similar magic and taking the same route.

I like the roof garden, though having the description where it is pulls down the tension somewhat. I think it could work if you write it as Riley scanning the surroundings for witnesses or something.

I'm not sure about the way you wrote the vents. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels slightly off about the logic of the AC system's design.

I'm happy that Riley got caught at the end, I was afraid she'd pull it off since that would have taxed my suspension of disbelief.
I'm intrigued by the solidified air, but I'm missing something in that section. For the other uses of elra, you explained some things, or at least mentioned the affinity used, which doesn't happen for the air-wall.
The magic system as a whole has great potential, I think. I'd like to learn more about it.

As for revision, I advise you write some ways into the story before you start revising, that way you learn more about the story and should have an easier time pinpointing what needs fixing.

Edited by Eagle of the Forest Path
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Hello Vreeah!  It's nice to meet another newbie!

I think this story definitely has potential, but I'm not hooked yet.  The setting and the magic system seem interesting.  The main thing that kept me from getting into it was that I never felt like Riley was in danger.  Like Eagle of the Forest Path, I also wondered if anyone would have spotted Riley as she was roof-hopping.  Do the people around her act surprised when she vaults into the air, or is this kind of thing normal?  You say the penthouse has more security than the rest of the floors combined, but then how did Riley get in so easily?  My read on Riley as a character is that she is very capable, but for me that actually made her less interesting.  She does get herself in over her head with this heist, but maybe you can work in hints of that earlier to raise the stakes.

My other bit of feedback feedback would be to try to put us more in Riley's head during your descriptions.  I'd like to know more about how Riley feels about the things she's seeing.  For example, the paragraph on pg 3 that starts with, "The taller buildings and spires of Shattermound..." You tell us how Reginald feels about the place, but how does Riley feel?  I think adding Riley's thoughts - is she scared? Satisfied? Impressed with the palace? - would also make the setup to the heist more engaging.

One last small thing:  I was confused as to what Riley's motivation was for going to the theater to watch her mom. I liked that scene - the way you dropped details in made the world seem richer - but I wasn't sure why we were there.

I hope that helps!  I'm excited to keep reading!

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P.1

I am, hmm, not loving the opener here. It's not the worst, but it's got kind of a disconnected feel to it.

Honestly most of this page feels like it exists to exposit. There's probably a better way to integrate it; doing this right here isn't strongly compelling me to continue.

p.2

Does she think of her father by given name? Seems odd. 'armor covered him' is kind of awkward phrasing too.

This dialogue doesn't scan right to me, honestly; it feels pretty affected. I'd also keep an eye out for comma splices; you want a semicolon after 'outing today' or 'second tier lightshow', not a comma, eg.

p.3

Lower down on this page honestly feels like a better opener than above, a little. Feels more natural.

p.4

Honestly, going over this, I'm trying to find something to say here, but I'm just not very interested by anything going on here.

p.5

Not sure about the voice here; I always find it a bit weird when something ostensibly in a character's voice goes into the technicals like gravitational pulls and whatnot.

I certainly don't buy that reasoning for why she's unlikely to hurt herself.

p.6

Again, I'm not sure I understand why you're using a given name for her mother in the narration.

This one's closer to a quibble too because it's a legit enough name, but Moria is a word that's got a lot of baggage to it.

So it's relatively normal to be hanging out on skylights? Okay, but I definitely don't buy that reasoning for her being unlikely to get hurt.

'also often obscured sight' is a really clunky-feeling phrase to me.

p.7

No one at all present? No, I don't buy that in the slightest. There's always people who don't/won't/can't drop their work, and so on.

p.8

Okay so here's where I scrolled back to see if there was any suggestion of how much lead time Riley has, because otherwise what you're selling is more or less that Riley just happened to have a really very specific plan to cause a disruption at this location.

And I dunno, it felt kind of spontaneous before. Does she just like being ready to clog vents, or what?

p.9

Just how much sodium are we talking about here?

p.10

Ehhh. Here too, this dialogue does not scan for me.

p.11

This bit's possibly the closest to interested I've been thus far, and I don't think the rest was worth it.

I am not loving this overall, all told; it feels very conventional, almost like it's been assembled from parts. I don't hate it, but there's not much going on here that makes me want to read it. A lot feels like contrivance, and the dialogue overall does not work for me; at its best it feels like people talking at each other rather than to each other, and at its worst it feels like an expository vehicle. Your POV's kind of distant which is fine but I think it contributes to things just not feeling very interesting. As it is, I'm just not sure why Riley doing what she's doing should matter to me.

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Glad you liked it, Eagle!

Hm, she doesn't end up going back home for the rest of the first half, so a flashback later might be the best option to move that interaction down the line. I personally like avoiding flashbacks when I can, though, so another option is to have Riley meet back up with her parents later. I'll see if I can figure out a good way to achieve that.

Seems like I need to get the character's age and features ironed out earlier. I'll put a higher priority on that.

Darn, I used to have a paragraph where Riley noticed some fliers above her. Maybe I shouldn't have cut that out. It was close to the bit with the theatre, and I didn't want too much world building all at once. Seems like it would've been useful now, though. Hm.

Mm, mentions of infodumping are coming up a bit. I'll need to be more creative with that information.

I'll look into the ventilation system. I might end up giving Riley more talismans to work with instead of her original plan.

Mmhm, I like to take my time with the revisions, especially now. There's a lot of ground I want to cover. I know I can't erase all the mistakes, but I've gotten some good ideas on how to improve without compromising the plot. I already put some meat on chapter two and three. Highest priority when I get to the revision is to have a more interesting arrangement of information and events.

===

Hi Hobbit! Yay, newbies unite!

Gotcha, stakes and tension. That's important, so I'll get it done.

Yeah, people could spot her and not care. I'll add some bits to make it clear that magic of her caliber is commonplace.

That's a good reminder. Need to see better from Riley's eyes.

The purpose of the theater scene was to establish more of the world, as well the mom's day job, which will relate to the magic she's going to show off in abundance in the next chapter. I'd like to throw information in the first chapter somewhere, but the theatre itself wasn't vital, and it might not be necessary this early in the story. I might need to gauge how the following chapters are received before I decide on that.

This was a big help, Hobbit. Thanks!

===

Hm, too conventional and uninteresting. Understood. I hope my eventual revision will relieve some of that.

Ah, semicolons, my greatest enemy. I hope you don't mind if I use the em dash instead to fix comma splices. I dislike the appearance of semicolons.

Hm, starting from the city instead of the townhouse? That seems to fit with the recent suggestions. The activity outside has drawn more interest than inside the home.

The urge to have Riley smack against something while jumping increases. Showing more of what Riley's doing instead of what's around her might be the way to go.

Google to the rescue. Right, that one place from Lord of the Rings. It's been a while since I saw the original LotR trilogy. I pulled Moria's name out of an old myth about Athena and olive trees. I'll keep it for now, but it's another thing to consider.

Ah, I meant only the roof garden, not the entire rest of the building. I'll need to make that clearer. There are workers on the other floors of the hotel, doing their usual jobs. I said that most the patrons and staff were down below to imply that places with low foot traffic like a roof garden were likely to be empty.

Another thing I failed to convey. I mentioned how she knew the king was arriving, and then implied it again when he showed up two hours earlier than she expected, so I was trying to use that to justify her having enough advanced warning to come up with a plan. Seems like that fell flat. I'm going to need to make her available planning time more obvious.

Ah crap. Yeah, it's a handful of flattened sodium, enough for a narrow blast that's about three or four meters high. I'll put that somewhere.

Thanks for taking a look, Neongrey. I'm sorry it wasn't an interesting read. I'll do my best to improve it as I go on.

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First off, Welcome to Reading Excuses!

I see some others noted similarities to Sanderson.  I caught a Stormlight Archives vibe myself.


Notes while reading:

Slow to start and a little too happy between the thieves.  I'm interested in the fantastic elements, but not hooked yet.

pg 3: "merchants to duel "
--to dupe?

pg 3: "Reginald's score "
--She also calls him "dad" in this sentence.  Does she think of him by name or by "dad?"

pg 4: a little too much infodumping here.  I'm already forgetting the names by the time you show what they do.  It also seems really close to The Stormlight Archives magic system.

pg 6: "time couldn't be spared"
--very passive wording.

pg 8: "No helmet obscured her face, but wearing any type would've been easy with her scarlet hair at neck length."
--awkward sentence.

pg 8 "It wouldn't be a surprise if he were humming."
--also passive.

pg 11: is Regi supposed to be Riley's father?

Overall, it's an interesting start to a story.  A little slow, and I think the tension could be punched up more, especially in the beginning.  You could even start with the theft and learn about her parents later on. The magic system sounds good, but I feel like it's a rehash of Sanderson's. It might not be, but that's my impression so far.  If you're going to keep up with a made-up name for each power, you're going to need to reiterate the connection.  You told be once, but I don't remember which one does what.  Especially since there seems to be more powers, this will be confusing later.
Interested to see more!

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It's a huge help, Neongrey! I really appreciate it.

===

Thanks Mandamon!

I believe the slow start has been unanimously noticed in different ways, which is awesome information. I'm going to fully concentrate on reversing that.

Hm, thinking about it, maybe I should dial down on the proper nouns for magic. I barely noticed how obscure they are since I memorized them. In a way, I'm probably describing them too much like a teacher and not enough like Riley.

Yeah... I'm going to do some term and description replacements on these following chapters. The approach wasn't right.

Ah, passivity, my third greatest enemy. I shall vanquish you as well.

I can see where the similarities with Sanderson's systems might rise from. I'll see if this new description style captures the essence of my system any better.

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Welcome to Reading Excuses!

I really enjoyed this submission. It's well written and there's an almost perfect blend of the familiar and strange to make me intrigued (frostgun being a primary example). 

As I go:

  • I'm not sure how important this is to the plot, but I'd like to know a little more detail about what "marks" Reginald hit during the day that enabled him to make so much money. Just a little hint about "closing a major deal" or something of that ilk that made it seem important rather than a regular day. This would also impress me as to his skill as a criminal, thus giving expectations about Riley's skill (like father like daughter and all that)
  • A little too much telling for my liking from Riley regarding her past exploits. Perhaps this could be integrated into the scene where she goes through her treasury. 
  • Really like the magic system; brings to mind the allomancy from the Mistborn series. I'm keen to learn more!
  • Also love the city, but I wouldn't mind a little more visceral description of things looked. What were they made of, what did they smell like. Was it clean? Dirty? I find that using all five senses is one of the best tools to use when creating an environment
  • The heist was nice and appropriately quick; normally I'd expect a big build up and execution (think Ocean's Eleven) but since this is just the first chapter I think the quickness and speed is a good way to show Riley's ability to think and adapt on the spot
  • Following the advice of the Writing Excuses podcast, I reckon it'd be more satisfying to give a hint of Linnald's intentions with Riley to the audience prior to the end of the chapter. I'm assuming by "Regi" he means Reginald, but I'm not sure.

Overall, a fascinating start to your work. I'm looking forward to reading on. Well done!

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Glad I captured your interest, AuthorityHellas16!

Hm, yeah, that could be good buildup for Reginald's purpose.

Gotcha. I'll how I can manipulate the information I can give through the treasury.

The magic system is going to be on full blast in the next couple chapters. I hope you enjoy what it does when it blooms.

Agreed. I'll try and ramp up the most important descriptions.

That's what I was hoping for, though it looks like the planning didn't come off too well. I'm going to try and streamline the theft in those portions.

Yeah. I left the wrong impression of Linnald's goal at the chapter's end. Definitely need to show his intentions beforehand.

Thanks for the review! I hope the next couple chapters catch your eye.

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Hey Vreeah, welcome to the forum. I love the anticipation that comes with my first reading of a writer new to the forum, so here goes! (Detailed comments on reading noted below the line. I hope you like line-by-line comments, because I just can’t help myself.)

All detailed comments now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for Grammar/typo, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs!

After reading through, I’ve got some central issues. One is the casual disregard for the criminal protagonist for anyone her family’s criminal activities affect. I'm already hoping that she gets into serious trouble and has to confront the reality of the impact her nefarious activities have on the lives of her victims.

Secondly, the magic system and means of propulsion. I think you need to do a lot more to convince your audience about how this works. You talk about reducing gravity, and suggest that other objects like buildings exert a pull on her. So, the building’s effects are not reduced, only the planets effects? But that means all the buildings would exert a pull on her, not just the one she desires to go towards. This does sound very like the pushing and pulling powers in Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn, except I have to say he does a way better job of explaining how it works. Have you read Mistborn? To summarise, I think you need to do a lot more to convince an audience that will probably include a disproportionate number of scientists, engineers and general tech-heads as to how this propulsion ability works. And then throw in that she is also a kite? I'm getting confused.

The ‘regent king’ thing also bugged me, as these terms are mutually exclusive (notes below). A regent is not a king. In a similar vein, I was unconvinced by the sodium thing, because of the description of the size of the piece involved. Here’s a fun video.

https://youtu.be/HvVUtpdK7xw

At about 1:12, we see a large chunk of sodium going into a pond and producing the size of reaction that I think is described in your chapter, but the size of the sodium used here is much bigger than a piece small enough to fit in a jar. I see you mention a handful of sodium, but the jar has to be small enough to fit under her arm (more issues with that, see below). And is the sodium stored in oil in the jar, or is it just the magic that prevents the normal reaction until she's ready? You say it's submerged, so i presume it is oil, which just adds to my disbelief that she can carry a big oil-filled jar under her arm and jump around rooftops.

Ooh, “Lady Stanza” sounds awful like Lady Sanza (Stark).

I'm very glad that Riley was foiled and captured, she’s done nothing to earn my sympathy yet, in fact her criminality just got my back up, so at least I'm now interested in seeing where things go.

In terms of style, I'm not sure what draft you’re on, but I found some of the phrasing awkward, and the lack of description made it hard for me to picture or invest anything in the setting.

I'm looking forward to the next submission to see how things go from here, but I would say I'm not especially hooked by anything yet and the magic system feels familiar, certainly not distinctive.

Sorry not to have more positives, but onwards and upwards! Thanks for submitting – really interested to go and read the other comments now :)

<R>

---------------------------------------------

(G) – “The secret treasury took had taken several years to gather” – tense issue. I don’t have the theoretical knowledge of grammar to use the correct words to describe what I mean, so I’ll use other words, forgive me. Using ‘took’ makes it sound like a flashback, like we’re viewing a montage of the collection being assembled. However, the context shows clearly that the collection is already assembled, that the assembly took place in the past, i.e. it ‘had been’ assembled previously. There’s a real passion to avoid using ‘had’, and I agree that it can be overdone, but it has its place and usually makes narrative clearer.

(G) – “That meant he took a detour instead” – Yeah, just assume that every time I come across a ‘gap’ where there could (should, imho) have been a ‘had’ that I hate it. I won’t mention it anymore, but I'm thinking it :)

(B) – I'm an engineer, I love numbers, I love mental maths and estimating and calculating. Simple arithmetic is a pleasure, number puzzles, absorbing, but on Page 2 of a novel, I don’t want to read all these numbers. I want to learn about the characters and the setting, but them calculating their haul is pretty boring to me, I'm afraid.

(C) – “Reginald's score hung in her thoughts as she walked” – I find it disorienting that she things of her dad by his name. Is he her stepdad?

(D) – “One more pair of hands that took from unneeded hoards” – I don’t like the tone here. There is no such thing as a victimless crime. I’ve always hated gangster films, I find the casual disregard for life and the cocksure feeling of entitlement abhorrent, and yet the viewer is often encouraged to identify with the criminal. Robin Hood works, that’s fine, but I'm not getting that sense here. Our protagonist seems to consider all the people on the street as viable targets.

(D) – “Hidden beneath a few loose tiles next to the chimney was a midnight blue cloak and black jumpsuit” – No!!! Not the cloak, bad things happen to ‘heroes’ with cloaks! :D

(C/D) – “She was a kite in the breeze” – I'm confused by her system of propulsion. Are you suggesting that her power diminishes the planet’s gravity to the extent that the mass of the building exerts a pull on her? Whoa, I find that extremely hard to believe. It seems like a gross oversimplification of reality. More in summation above.

(D) – “as she trampled through across various roofs” – This implies she is passing through the roofs, as in being insubstantial.

(G) – “The performance being shown on stage was” – Is this happening now? It doesn’t come across like that.

(B) – “Fairgon Bridge came into view” and “Riley landed on a main road building”. There’s a lack of description that makes the setting very bland, I don’t know what it looks like, so I'm picturing generic, dark cityscape, which is pretty boring.

(C) – “Two artificial metal beasts—copper with feline models—pulled the vehicle forward” – I don’t understand the phrasing. Is the metal artificial, are they cats? ‘Artificial’ is redundant, I think, and I don’t see how ‘models’ fits in this picture or sentence structure.

(D) – How did she get his plans, how does she know all this stuff about arrival time, where the king is staying?

(D) – I don’t see how she can do all that she is doing with all this stuff under her arms. She must need to balance and arms play an important part in this, usually, so I'm struggling to picture her motion with all that bulk under one arm and a glass jar under the other.

(B/D) – A regent is not a king. By definition, a regent is “a person appointed to administer a state because the monarch is a minor, is absent or is incapacitated.” There is a fault in this terminology.

(B) – “It must feel great to be a king, Riley mused” – Really? I'm not so sure. I'm not keen on this glib comment. The reality of many monarchs’ lives is probably really constrained by responsibility, duty, political issues and a lack of freedom to do what the heck they want. Okay, this is fantasy land, not Buckingham Palace, but I felt this line highlighted Riley’s naiveté and lack of experience.

(B) – Protagonists getting ‘strokes of luck’ is boring. They should be suffering reversals, disasters and ‘things getting worse’ (see numerous RE casts on the subject).

(D) – “then focused on the elra in the sodium” – This is straining my credulity. This sodium has been sitting in the fountain for ages. In reality, it would have long since have reacted with the water and be gone by now. No doubt magic is preventing the reaction. “The sodium exploded, releasing a thick white cloud overhead and sending the water spraying off the roof” – I don’t believe this. It was described that the sodium was contained in a jar small enough for her to carry under her arm. I don’t that that is a big enough piece of sodium to react in this way.

(D) – “We got all the silence back, Lin” – This is how a serf addresses the king!!!??

(A) – I like the king’s springing of the trap, Surprising yet inevitable? Probably, although I was beginning to think that Riley was going to get away with it, so I guess that worked fine.

(B) – The end falls flat. I don’t feel any zing in this closing line.

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Hi Robinski, thanks for the great critique! There's so much stuff I can practice on here.

I really like this grading system. It's so neat and concise.

I think the consequences of their actions is a big part of many criminal protagonist character arcs. I won't go for the questionable twist of leaving it out, but I do want to make sure it isn't incredibly direct.

Gah, alright, need to figure out better magic descriptions. Yeah, I've read Mistborn. I'll see how well the magic descriptions in my next couple chapters fare. If it goes well, I'll see if I can adapt it to describe internal spells like Riley's gravity redistribution.

Regent king was a sort of a specialized term. I think I introduced it too early. I'll leave that bit out and just let the government be shown later.

Ah. The video I personally used for reference was this one: https://youtu.be/W5y_1nGULdM

There were multiple explosions because the sodium kept getting launched back in the air by the blasts, but I figured there'd be one big explosion of a slightly bigger size if it went off while fully submerged. Magic was suppressing the normal reaction, yes.

Well that was an unexpected similarity. This one is definitely unintentional. I haven't watched Game of Thrones, except for the season 6 finale because everyone was on about how it was such an enjoyable finale (it was).

I shall soon attempt to make you love Riley, or at least dislike her less. Capture was inevitable, though, since she never intended to stop.

This is draft 2 of the first chapter, but I don't think I would've been able to improve all that much on my own. All the critique and analysis so far have pinpointed a lot of faults I wouldn't have noticed on my own, so I greatly appreciate the help so far.

I'm trying to put the magic system on full display, soon. It'll show how I have it working right now. If it doesn't work out, I'll need to revamp it.

Yes, onwards and upwards! I likely can't quite change all my faults at will, but I'm going to practice as much as I can.

===

I do admit to purposefully avoiding "had". I see this was a mistake, and will attempt to correct it as I continue.

Ah math, my thirty-fifth greatest enemy. I knew I shouldn't have allowed you to wander into this domain.

Nope, biological dad. Mistake on my part, I kept slipping out of Riley's perspective.

Agreed, there are no victimless crimes. The idea was for a character arc to involve growing out of this thought process, though if this causes too much negative sympathy I might need to load in some of those Robin Hood-esque character traits earlier on.

I think this is a reference to The Incredibles. If so, then tornadoes are indeed a risk for caped fliers. Not a good place to hide her stuff, I'm guessing?

Yep, that wasn't what I wanted to convey. I definitely need to rework the descriptions. The idea was to use the inhibition affinity to reduce the body's reaction to all gravity, but then use catalyst to let the body make an exception and boost its reaction to one particular source gravity.

Ah dangit, I'm sure that was one of the words I cycled through while writing. I guess "through" shouldn't have won.

I should cut that word, shouldn't I?

Right, need better descriptions.

This part was a lot of brain clashing, because there are metal beasts that aren't artificial, and these ones are modeled after big cats.

This involves a bunch of things I have in my head, but not on my pages. I'll need to find ways to add it without leaving Riley's perspective. The king coming into town was big news that everyone knew about. He knew Riley's method of operation (go for whoever is the richest person at the moment), and arrived early so that there was less time to figure things out. The hotel knew it got to host a king, and made a big deal of it, which the king didn't oppose. The hotel got to flaunt its status and get more business, while the king manipulated Riley into going to a specific place.

Hm, there's a better way for her to carry this stuff. I'll have to figure it out.

I'll need to skip this term, for now. In short, there are six kings with their own lands and courts of nobles.

Yep, ruling is hard and Riley has no idea.

Absolutely. It only seemed like luck to Riley. For the king, it was more like, "please stand in this exact spot when you come in."

The jar of water was the device I tried to use to indicate that the sodium was being magically suppressed. I previously considered leaving it out in the open and implying the suppression magic by describing how it didn't react to the air. I wonder if there's a compromise between these two methods that'll work better.

Not a serf. Walking encyclopedia and ongoing history book, and a king's friend. Will indicate this more clearly, or delay until it's established.

Beware the foolish king, for there are fewer of those than it appears.

Gotcha, ending needs more impact.

===

You know, introducing the king's viewpoint midway would solve a fair chunk of these problems. I wonder if it's worth considering a multiple viewpoint chapter. Actually, it is worth considering, because I'm already considering.

Edited by Vreeah
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9 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

let the government be shown later

Hmm, I await that with interest!

10 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

The video I personally used for reference was this one

Neat, and exploding skimmer. That does seem to be roughly proportional to the vid I found.

24 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

I likely can't quite change all my faults at will, but I'm going to practice as much as I can.

Awesome!  :)

24 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

I see this was a mistake, and will attempt to correct it as I continue.

Everything in moderation. You can definitely go too far, as I probably used to.

25 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

I think this is a reference to The Incredibles.

It is indeed.

27 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

In short, there are six kings with their own lands and courts of nobles.

Hmm, and is one of them the regent over the whole group? That might work after a fashion, if there was an emperor who was absent or incapable and one of them had to step up.

29 minutes ago, Vreeah said:

You know, introducing the king's viewpoint midway would solve a fair chunk of these problems. I wonder if it's worth considering a multiple viewpoint chapter. Actually, it is worth considering, since I'm already considering.

Lol - that could be challenging, especially the transition. David Gemmell would sometimes transition between character povs by sending one into battle and coming out of the battle in the pov of another. Then again, he was David Gemmell - we're not (yet!!!) :D

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